Ihatethewait.

"Symptoms" from yesterday seem to be waning. Possibly being replaced by the slightest bit of breast tenderness? Or maybe I've just poked them a few too many times. I embarrass myself, truly.

Ihatethewait. Ihatethewait. Ihatethewait.

Edited to add: Cramps are back, albeit a milder and less consistent variety, more like twinges here and there versus full-on cramping. Breast tenderness seems to be increasing. Just wouldn't want you to miss out on any of the roller coaster ride...

thank you

Thanks for the pep talk, everyone. Your success stories and words of encouragement really lifted me out of my funk over the weekend. Today I'm feeling hopeful and anxious to test.

M left town today and won't be back until late Wednesday night. This means I'm on my own for my next three PIO shots. I did one over the weekend to make sure I could do it and it was fine. You know, as fine as jabbing a 1.5 inch needle into your own hip can be. Elliot is NOT going to be happy with me providing a minimum of lifting, but we'll have lots of on-the-floor cuddles, I guess.

My body is working on overdrive to crank out the imaginary symptoms. My uterus has a full, crampy feeling with occassional sharper twinges, I'm having a light fertile-ish discharge (just started today), and waves of mild nausea, headache and light-headedness, although I'm pretty sure the last three are real and caused by a combination of progesterone and nerves. I'm impressed that my subconscious still remembers the ol' routine after two and a half years off. But c'mon, it's a little heavy-handed for the equivalent of 8dpo, don't you think?

and now we wait

I know I said I planned to go this one alone, but as it turns out, I need your help.

Transfer was this morning. We thawed all five embryos at the embryologist's insistence with the intent to transfer the best two and refreeze any extras that survived. We did end up with two to transfer, but they were not in good company; none of the other three were viable. One had no visible cells post-thaw, another looked good but had arrested, and the third was growing but had over 30% fragmentation. The two we transferred were described as just "...fine" and that is by our RE who is nothing if not bubbly and optimistic. Both were hatched, but one had "some" fragmentation, and the whole discussion felt so-so at best.

There is one bit of "news" I've withheld from you and that is because it was simply too scary for me to acknowledge or put words to. A few months ago, we learned KD had a vasectomy. So, these three lost snowbabies and the two inside were and are our last chances for a full bio-sibling for E. No pressure.

I have been really optimistic about our chances of success on this FET. Probably more optimistic than the situation warranted, truth be told. When I saw the two flashes of light on the ultrasound screen, I started crying. I couldn't articulate why any more than I could make it stop. The last time I remember that happening to me was when I saw my grandmother for the last time before she died. I was only in town for a couple of days and we had somewhere else to be so my parents were trying to hurry the visit along. I demanded to stay longer and when I finally left, I had the same uncontrollable and unexplainable tears. She passed away a few months later but that was the last time I saw her and I've always wondered if my heart knew something that day that my mind didn't. I had a similar sensation while looking at those flashes of light today and as crazy as it sounds, I find myself wondering if it's because it was the last time I'd get to see those two little stars.

There's nothing to do but wait now and I truly believe that it helps to feel optimistic, but I'm struggling to find any hope to hold onto. After the transfer that brought us Elliot, I felt on top of the world and I just knew that things were going to turn around for us. Today, I feel heavy with worry and grief. Please, if you have any FET or poor-quality embryo success stories to share, I would really, really like to hear them. Beta is scheduled for 2/2 but I will probably test in a week. Any good thoughts you can spare would be appreciated more than you know.

the power of the pregnancy announcement

Is anyone working on harnessing this yet? Because seriously, we could power small cities on it. I've had two (outside the computer) in the last week and I'm consistently awed (in a bad way) by how much they impact me. Still. I'm surprised and, frankly, annoyed that spending two and a half years on this side of my own BFP doesn't provide me with more insulation.

One is due in late August - three days before my potential EDD for the FET that wasn't. We work together so I will have a front row seat to her pregnancy for the next 8 months. I have blogged about her before (during her first pregnancy, which ended just over a year ago) and how hurt I have been by her insensitivity over and over and over again. She's not mean-spirited at all, but she (1) likes to talk and (2) has NO awareness or consideration for what other people might be going through around her, and this turns her into a wrecking ball. She knows everything about our struggles to build our family. I have told her more than most people in a (losing) battle to open her eyes a bit, but that doesn't stop her from bemoaning the hassle of switching to her new last name (granted routinely by virtue of her heterosexual marriage) or telling a fellow co-worker to stop drinking the office water unless she wants to get pregnant because "everyone gets pregnant SOOO easily around here!"

The other is M's co-worker. We went to her wedding 3 months ago. She and her husband planned to "start trying" this year. It would appear they didn't even make it to the starting line. It's not like I see her often or will even get regular pregnancy updates, but it was a punch to the gut to have one more person we know get pregnant so easily. One more person that could have been me but wasn't. One more person to edge us further out on the bell curve and make all we went through seem even less reasonable.

I'm hyper-sensitive right now. I know this. I wish simply acknowledging that would be enough to take some of the weight away. It seems that is not the case.

Did y'all hear?

Cotton Babies is discontinuing their small, medium and large all-in-ones (AIOs). Sad!!!

The good news is that they are selling off their remaining inventory at a huge discount - $9.95 each (down from $15.95) with free shipping.

http://www.cottonbabies.com/product_info.php?cPath=98&products_id=1811

If you have ever thought about trying out cloth diapers, go for it. Now. Today. Seriously, these diapers couldn't be easier. You don't have to deal with sorting or stuffing inserts, snapping down shells, or any of the other parts of CDing that can be intimidating at first. These and the bumGenius bamboo fitteds were all we used for the first 6-8 months of Elliot's life while we were finding our sea legs with cloth diapering. They also provide a great alternative to the bulk of one-size dipes on tiny baby bums. The AIOs are still #1 on our list for daycare or inexperienced family/friends because they go on just like a disposable. If you have been on the fence, these are the perfect "gateway drug" diapers at an unbeatable price. So what are you waiting for? Try them! I may not be able to resist buying more myself - don't tell M. I just can't believe they won't be available anymore.

I promise I have no affiliation with Cotton Babies and I will not profit from this post in any way. This is just a really great deal on a really great product and it would rock if some of you could take advantage of it. Send me an email if you have questions or want to hear more of the many ways I love them. Better yet, leave a comment and the other CD mamas who read can help me out. :-)

something new for 2011

I've never done one of those year end wrap-up posts, but I always enjoy reading others', and I imagine they're fun to look back on yourself months or years into the future, so here goes nothin'...

January: We enjoyed a couple of snow days, and took our first purely independent trip as a family of three. Elliot had traveled a LOT before then - six (long) RT flights and a multi-state road trip - but they were all trips to visit family or attend out-of-town weddings. This was just M and I picking a spot on a map, buying plane tickets and a hotel room, and following nobody's schedule but our own. It was lovely.

February: We had an unusually quiet month with lots of time around the house. The high point was a long visit from C&T, two of our best friends that live way too far away. 

March: We celebrated E's first trip around the sun by getting his first haircut and having a low-key day at home - with a cupcake, of course. The following weekend, we hopped on an airplane and had a big birthday bash with both of our families and a handful of friends.

April: This was the month that K launched a major "extra-curricular" project - her first since E came along - and M passed a big scary test for work. We also dyed eggs (you all saw how that went already, but here's another shot) and got a visit from the Easter Bunny who brought E the coolest chair. He's seriously used it every day since - smart Bunny (a.k.a. M).

May: This month saw our second-parent adoption, the procedure by which M was finally granted equal rights to reflect her equal status as E's parent. It was a frustrating hoop to have to jump through, but a moving and affirming day nonetheless. It was also a big family month as we had Gramma, Papa and Granny all here for visits. We spent lots of time outdoors, soaking up the wonderful weather before the summer heat set in.

June: This was the month K's project kicked into high-gear, leaving little time for much else. We spent a very long, very hot weekend at Pride, Elliot had his first nasty cold - poor baby, and we saw the RE to start the ball rolling for TTC #2.

July: Another month of K being crazy-busy and M taking up the slack, but hey, at least there were fireworks.

August: We had another family-heavy month. M and E took their first solo trip together - a flight to visit Granny and Grandpa. By all accounts (and pictures), a good time was had by all. When they got back, Gramma and Papa were here waiting to continue the spoilage. Between trips, visitors, and the culmination of K's project, we managed to squeeze in a trip to the blackberry patch. 

September: K started off the month by flying with Elliot to visit Gramma and Papa. Lucky us, they live on a lake and it was the perfect farewell to summer. After that, we just seemed to bounce from one busy weekend to the next - 2 weekends in a row of events for M followed by 2 weekends in a row of events with E's school. Oh yeah, and we realized we had an 18 month old. What the... ?!

October: Busy, busy, busy. Granny came for a visit, M and K both had business trips (at different times, thankfully), E started swim lessons, we had half a dozen social engagements and playdates, we converted our basement into a tricked out "man cave" for E (a.k.a. a playroom), we picked apples and carved pumpkins, and of course, dressed our child up as a woodland-creature-slash-lawn-ornament. E also began his battle with the plague, but more on that in a moment...

November: This month started off with a bang, and by bang, I mean first scary-high fever and corresponding trip to the ER. Poor E was so sick. M and I traded off spending days at home with him until we'd both exhausted our sick leave accounts and put off work tasks as long as possible, and then Granny came out to give us some much needed relief. A couple of weeks later, Gramma and Papa arrived for a long Thanksgiving visit. While they were here, Papa built their Christmas gift to Elliot - a train table for his playroom. (Have I mentioned how completely obsessed with trains he is? It's unbelievable.) When he saw it for the first time, he just ran around it in circles hyperventilating. He loves loves loves it.  Just before Gramma and Papa left, E came down with his first ever stomach flu. We're ALL hoping it's the last one he has for a loooong time.

December: Holiday gatherings galore. Cookies and candies made by the gross. Travel to Granny and Grandad's for Christmas. It was Elliot's eleventh RT flight but the first where I had serious doubts we'd all get off alive. The perfect storm of an overtired nearly 2-year-old, who has really become too big and active to be a lap child, on a long, full, late, day-after-Christmas flight made our return trip something out of a horror movie. We've officially sworn off flying until the international trip we have locked in for this summer - lord help us all. But, I really shouldn't let the last 6 hours eclipse the first 6 days. The visit was wonderful - lots of sunshine and good times with family and friends. We took E to an aquarium that rocked his world, he rode a horse for the first time (Granny's horse, with M who is a very skilled rider), and he understood and loved every moment of the Christmas festivities. We said farewell to 2010 over champagne with good friends and brought E home to his own bed, which he stayed in until 9am the following morning. I can't imagine a greater gift. :-)

I hope that 2011 is off to a good start for all of you and your families, and that the remaining 363 days are filled with peace and happiness. Cheers!

ornamental lovin'

Here is the ornament we received in the swap. Cute, huh?!

It doesn't actually have a smudge on it. I just covered up our last name* for public sharing. Actually, the painting is exquisite. I consider myself an artsy kind of gal but there's no way I could have painted such intricate little details as this ornament has. Big thanks to this lovely family for sharing their talents!

*It's not our real last name. It's the jumble of M's and my last names that we made-up and use "internally" to refer to ourselves. I totally love that it made it's way onto our tree this year. :-)

thank you and an update

Thanks so much for your sympathy (and profanity) about the postponed FET. It was just exactly what I needed. Here’s the rest of the story:

I called the clinic on Monday to sort out this early ultrasound business. It turns out the nurse was wrong about me needing a CD2/3 scan, but she was right about the bottom line - there was no way to cycle off my next AF. It has to do with the fact that the embryology lab is closed for the holidays from 12/17 through 1/14 (how do I get a job there?!) and the fact that no patients can be “on the calendar” while the lab is closed. The nurse originally told me I couldn’t even be on estrogen while the lab was closed, but that changed after my meltdown, so I’m still a little confused on what the actual policy is. The non-negotiable part is that the absolute earliest they can thaw embryos for a transfer is 1/21, if my period happened to fall on a day to allow that, which of course it was not set to do.

I had already done some quick EDD calculating and figured out that if I needed to skip a cycle, I’d be due too late to use my flex spending dollars for the ridiculous insurance deductible I’ll have to meet at the time of delivery. When we funded my FSA this year, we put in the full $5000 figuring we’d spend more than that on either 1 FET + 1 delivery deductible OR 2 FETs, and back when we were making this decision, it seemed impossible that either of those possibilities wouldn’t fit neatly into the benefit year. I explained this whole thing to the nurse (tearfully, at times) and she felt bad enough for me that she agreed to talk to the doctor and get back to me with some ideas.

While I was waiting to hear back from her, I did some further research of my own and learned a couple of things: First, my period came early last time but I hadn’t updated the CD1s I’d penciled in for the next few months. That alone bought me a few extra days, let alone any more that would come if my period happened to be early again. I also discovered that the FSA grace period is 75 days rather than the 60 I’d been using in my calculations. The end result was that leaving everything as it was and skipping a cycle would lead to an EDD of 10/28/11 and an FSA grace period run-out of 11/14/11. As long as NOTHING ELSE went wrong, we should be okay.

Armed with this new information, I was considerably calmer when the nurse called back. And then it got even better. She talked with the doctor and they’d come up with the plan of putting me on BC pills starting on my next CD1 to throw my cycle on ice, so to speak. Then, they could take me off BC to induce a period at the right time for a transfer on 1/21 – the earliest possible date after their closure. If AF takes her sweet time coming or my lining isn’t up to snuff, I could get pushed back to 1/28, but hopefully no further than that. I explained what I’d learned and asked if there were any physical or other drawbacks to going the BC route and she insisted there is not and they do it all the time to get people’s cycles lined up correctly.

The final square in this comic strip of my day shows AF arriving a mere two hours after our call. I wasn’t expecting her for at least 4 more days, but there she was, and I have to admit I was thrilled to have someone to blame my rollercoaster emotions on. Fortunately, the nurse had already called in the BC and I was able to start them right way.

So, that’s the new plan. I’m popping BC pills like a high school student and watching the days pass by, again. Looks like we’ll have news of some kind by mid-February. Please, please let it be of the BFN/P variety.

God forbid it ever just be simple.

Tucking myself back underground now.

In other news, we got our ornament from the swap and it’s adorable! E hung it on the tree himself and checks on it nightly. I’ll snap some pics tonight so I can share them with you all. I also finished mine and it will be going out in tomorrow’s mail. Late, I know. We haven’t sent out our holiday cards either, so you’re in good company, oh undisclosed ornament recipient. It’s been a challenging couple of weeks. Sorry.

benched

Since I broke my own gag order about the FET, I'll let you in on the latest chapter so you aren't looking for an outcome report any time soon.

Today was supposed to be transfer day. Today was the day I was supposed to lay on a table with an overfull bladder and watch two flashes of light on an ultrasound screen. M and I both had the day off, my acupuncturist was on standby, and I went to bed Wednesday night in excited disbelief that it was so close. Then yesterday, I woke up with Elliot's stomach flu and puked my guts (and meds) out all day. I guess my body had been doing a good job of holding it at bay, but then I started the pre-transfer prednisone which handicapped my immune system and WHAM. My RE ruled that my body was not ready to go through with the transfer today, and as much as it killed me to hear it, I knew she was right. And with that, 3+ weeks of medications, monitoring and anticipation went out the window. We have to start all over. Icing on the cake? There's a high probability AF will show during the clinic's holiday closure which would mean having to wait another full cycle because they want to scan me on CD2 or 3. There's a chance we'll be into February before we get another shot at a transfer. The original plan was to transfer in October. October. Two days ago, we thought we'd have results by Christmas. Now, we're nowhere. We're not even back at the starting line yet.


I'm planning to argue with them on that early cycle ultrasound. I didn't have one for this cycle and I'm not sure why I would need one for the next cycle. I guess because of the hormone preparation I did? M had the idea to keep doing the PIO for another week to keep AF at bay. I'm still on the fence about this one. I thought it was a great idea, but then I was feeling so sore and achy last night (stomach flu, remember?) that we skipped it. In hindsight I wish we hadn't, but we did, and I kind of feel like my body has kind of been through enough without jerking it on and off progesterone. *sigh* Anyone have thoughts? I'm feeling too defeated by the whole thing to see the right answer in all of this.

trapped under something heavy

I bailed on NaBloPoMo. The only thing stranger (to me) than doing that is the fact that I don't care. I'm usually someone that will move heaven and earth to avoid any type of failure, even the most minor and inconsequential, but I'm not myself right now.

The Thing That Shall Not Be Blogged About is in full swing, and it's taking more out of me than I expected. Other things taking more out of me than expected - both good and bad - include but are not limited to:

- We bought a new (to us) car - yay! It's a 2007 VW Rabbit in great shape with low miles and heated seats. Yes, it has many other luxurious features but none are quite so lovely as the butt-warmers. :-) It will be a bit of a squeeze if we ever need to put two carseats into the back, but we tried it and it works. The fact that it even has a back seat is a huge step up from the tiny pickup M was driving until a week ago. I drive an SUV which is and can remain our primary family car, but this is a much more practical "back up" vehicle, and also M just plain works hard and deserves a better car than the one she had. Mission accomplished.

- My parents were here for an extended visit - yay! Elliot got to stay home from school for almost two full weeks of spoiling. My dad built him a train table for Christmas and he loves, loves, loves it.

- I celebrated a birthday by taking care of a violently ill toddler experiencing his first stomach virus - boo! He projectile-vomited every half hour for four hours straight. I have no idea where the sheer volume came from. Dinner reservations were canceled and towels were gone through two or three at a time. The vomiting started while walking through a shopping mall. I'll spare you the details, but trust me when I say it was the most terrible thing I've seen... ever? Maybe. Anyway, my mom was with us and it was as if time stood still while I had two simultaneous thoughts: The first was "Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod. Mom!! Do something!! Help him!!!" and the second was "Waaaaaaaait a second... FUCK. I'm the mom." There was a pause - only a second or two but it felt like thirty - during which he turned his face toward mine and looked at me with scared, wide eyes and I froze, looking back at him with the exact same expression, I'm sure. And then I figured it out. And then I figured it out again... and again... and again. I've had better birthdays.

- Elliot has decided to discontinue both going to sleep on his own and sleeping through the night - boo! M and I are terribly sleep-deprived. Looks like another round of sleep training is in order. Hate.


- Work is crazy - boo! (Yawn)

So that's the scoop. I'm moody and anxious and emotional and tired and not really blogging, except for skimming my reader between meetings and such. I have been doing my best to keep up to date on everyone (despite how my pitiful lack of commenting makes it seem) but especially on my two bedresting buds who I continue to send good vibes to every single day.