Monday, January 31, 2011

too good to be true

After that beautiful digital test on Saturday morning, I switched back to the two line variety to reassure myself until my beta on Wednesday... and this is how I watched my pregnancy slip right through my fingers. It looks like a chemical this time around. I couldn't detect a second line at all this morning, so my only hope is that my beta is low enough on Wednesday that I don't have to come back again a week later.

I still have symptoms - now all progesterone and/or mentally induced, it seems. The strongest of the pack is the cramping which I guess is my body trying to expel the non-viable Little Engine but the progesterone is keeping it in, and the thought of that battle going on makes me sick to my stomach.

I'm shocked by how quickly I pinned hopes to that embryo, and how painful this is as a result. A chemical pregnancy is a new one for me. In all of our cycles of trying, we never had a BFP until the one that stuck. Until now, my body had never failed to hold on to a pregnancy. Now I have a new inadequacy to add to my collection.

Sadly, the only thing I can think to do to stop the hurting is to try again - now, today - and we can't. We have no more snowbabies. I used to think having to go through another fresh IVF cycle would be terrible, but now I'd start shooting up stims today if they'd let me. But it's not an option for so many reasons. We now have big decisions to make about sperm, and that's not a process I want to rush. Even if there was an easy answer there, we have no infertility coverage and we can't afford another fresh cycle right now. All there is to do now is to sit with the grief, and wait and hope for beta results that give us clear and swift resolution.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

morning sighting

Feeling a bit like the luckiest woman alive right now...

So, so thankful and not taking a moment of it for granted. Looks like we have a Little Engine That Could in there.

We have out-of-town family staying with us so I will have to fill in the details in a later post, but I didn't want to leave you in suspense any longer. Thank you so much for all of the love and support sent our way over the past week.

Holy crap, we're pregnant!

Tuesday, January 25, 2011


"Symptoms" from yesterday seem to be waning. Possibly being replaced by the slightest bit of breast tenderness? Or maybe I've just poked them a few too many times. I embarrass myself, truly.

Ihatethewait. Ihatethewait. Ihatethewait.

Edited to add: Cramps are back, albeit a milder and less consistent variety, more like twinges here and there versus full-on cramping. Breast tenderness seems to be increasing. Just wouldn't want you to miss out on any of the roller coaster ride...

Monday, January 24, 2011

thank you

Thanks for the pep talk, everyone. Your success stories and words of encouragement really lifted me out of my funk over the weekend. Today I'm feeling hopeful and anxious to test.

M left town today and won't be back until late Wednesday night. This means I'm on my own for my next three PIO shots. I did one over the weekend to make sure I could do it and it was fine. You know, as fine as jabbing a 1.5 inch needle into your own hip can be. Elliot is NOT going to be happy with me providing a minimum of lifting, but we'll have lots of on-the-floor cuddles, I guess.

My body is working on overdrive to crank out the imaginary symptoms. My uterus has a full, crampy feeling with occassional sharper twinges, I'm having a light fertile-ish discharge (just started today), and waves of mild nausea, headache and light-headedness, although I'm pretty sure the last three are real and caused by a combination of progesterone and nerves. I'm impressed that my subconscious still remembers the ol' routine after two and a half years off. But c'mon, it's a little heavy-handed for the equivalent of 8dpo, don't you think?

Friday, January 21, 2011

and now we wait

I know I said I planned to go this one alone, but as it turns out, I need your help.

Transfer was this morning. We thawed all five embryos at the embryologist's insistence with the intent to transfer the best two and refreeze any extras that survived. We did end up with two to transfer, but they were not in good company; none of the other three were viable. One had no visible cells post-thaw, another looked good but had arrested, and the third was growing but had over 30% fragmentation. The two we transferred were described as just "...fine" and that is by our RE who is nothing if not bubbly and optimistic. Both were hatched, but one had "some" fragmentation, and the whole discussion felt so-so at best.

There is one bit of "news" I've withheld from you and that is because it was simply too scary for me to acknowledge or put words to. A few months ago, we learned KD had a vasectomy. So, these three lost snowbabies and the two inside were and are our last chances for a full bio-sibling for E. No pressure.

I have been really optimistic about our chances of success on this FET. Probably more optimistic than the situation warranted, truth be told. When I saw the two flashes of light on the ultrasound screen, I started crying. I couldn't articulate why any more than I could make it stop. The last time I remember that happening to me was when I saw my grandmother for the last time before she died. I was only in town for a couple of days and we had somewhere else to be so my parents were trying to hurry the visit along. I demanded to stay longer and when I finally left, I had the same uncontrollable and unexplainable tears. She passed away a few months later but that was the last time I saw her and I've always wondered if my heart knew something that day that my mind didn't. I had a similar sensation while looking at those flashes of light today and as crazy as it sounds, I find myself wondering if it's because it was the last time I'd get to see those two little stars.

There's nothing to do but wait now and I truly believe that it helps to feel optimistic, but I'm struggling to find any hope to hold onto. After the transfer that brought us Elliot, I felt on top of the world and I just knew that things were going to turn around for us. Today, I feel heavy with worry and grief. Please, if you have any FET or poor-quality embryo success stories to share, I would really, really like to hear them. Beta is scheduled for 2/2 but I will probably test in a week. Any good thoughts you can spare would be appreciated more than you know.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

the power of the pregnancy announcement

Is anyone working on harnessing this yet? Because seriously, we could power small cities on it. I've had two (outside the computer) in the last week and I'm consistently awed (in a bad way) by how much they impact me. Still. I'm surprised and, frankly, annoyed that spending two and a half years on this side of my own BFP doesn't provide me with more insulation.

One is due in late August - three days before my potential EDD for the FET that wasn't. We work together so I will have a front row seat to her pregnancy for the next 8 months. I have blogged about her before (during her first pregnancy, which ended just over a year ago) and how hurt I have been by her insensitivity over and over and over again. She's not mean-spirited at all, but she (1) likes to talk and (2) has NO awareness or consideration for what other people might be going through around her, and this turns her into a wrecking ball. She knows everything about our struggles to build our family. I have told her more than most people in a (losing) battle to open her eyes a bit, but that doesn't stop her from bemoaning the hassle of switching to her new last name (granted routinely by virtue of her heterosexual marriage) or telling a fellow co-worker to stop drinking the office water unless she wants to get pregnant because "everyone gets pregnant SOOO easily around here!"

The other is M's co-worker. We went to her wedding 3 months ago. She and her husband planned to "start trying" this year. It would appear they didn't even make it to the starting line. It's not like I see her often or will even get regular pregnancy updates, but it was a punch to the gut to have one more person we know get pregnant so easily. One more person that could have been me but wasn't. One more person to edge us further out on the bell curve and make all we went through seem even less reasonable.

I'm hyper-sensitive right now. I know this. I wish simply acknowledging that would be enough to take some of the weight away. It seems that is not the case.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Did y'all hear?

Cotton Babies is discontinuing their small, medium and large all-in-ones (AIOs). Sad!!!

The good news is that they are selling off their remaining inventory at a huge discount - $9.95 each (down from $15.95) with free shipping.

If you have ever thought about trying out cloth diapers, go for it. Now. Today. Seriously, these diapers couldn't be easier. You don't have to deal with sorting or stuffing inserts, snapping down shells, or any of the other parts of CDing that can be intimidating at first. These and the bumGenius bamboo fitteds were all we used for the first 6-8 months of Elliot's life while we were finding our sea legs with cloth diapering. They also provide a great alternative to the bulk of one-size dipes on tiny baby bums. The AIOs are still #1 on our list for daycare or inexperienced family/friends because they go on just like a disposable. If you have been on the fence, these are the perfect "gateway drug" diapers at an unbeatable price. So what are you waiting for? Try them! I may not be able to resist buying more myself - don't tell M. I just can't believe they won't be available anymore.

I promise I have no affiliation with Cotton Babies and I will not profit from this post in any way. This is just a really great deal on a really great product and it would rock if some of you could take advantage of it. Send me an email if you have questions or want to hear more of the many ways I love them. Better yet, leave a comment and the other CD mamas who read can help me out. :-)

Sunday, January 2, 2011

something new for 2011

I've never done one of those year end wrap-up posts, but I always enjoy reading others', and I imagine they're fun to look back on yourself months or years into the future, so here goes nothin'...

January: We enjoyed a couple of snow days, and took our first purely independent trip as a family of three. Elliot had traveled a LOT before then - six (long) RT flights and a multi-state road trip - but they were all trips to visit family or attend out-of-town weddings. This was just M and I picking a spot on a map, buying plane tickets and a hotel room, and following nobody's schedule but our own. It was lovely.

February: We had an unusually quiet month with lots of time around the house. The high point was a long visit from C&T, two of our best friends that live way too far away. 

March: We celebrated E's first trip around the sun by getting his first haircut and having a low-key day at home - with a cupcake, of course. The following weekend, we hopped on an airplane and had a big birthday bash with both of our families and a handful of friends.

April: This was the month that K launched a major "extra-curricular" project - her first since E came along - and M passed a big scary test for work. We also dyed eggs (you all saw how that went already, but here's another shot) and got a visit from the Easter Bunny who brought E the coolest chair. He's seriously used it every day since - smart Bunny (a.k.a. M).

May: This month saw our second-parent adoption, the procedure by which M was finally granted equal rights to reflect her equal status as E's parent. It was a frustrating hoop to have to jump through, but a moving and affirming day nonetheless. It was also a big family month as we had Gramma, Papa and Granny all here for visits. We spent lots of time outdoors, soaking up the wonderful weather before the summer heat set in.

June: This was the month K's project kicked into high-gear, leaving little time for much else. We spent a very long, very hot weekend at Pride, Elliot had his first nasty cold - poor baby, and we saw the RE to start the ball rolling for TTC #2.

July: Another month of K being crazy-busy and M taking up the slack, but hey, at least there were fireworks.

August: We had another family-heavy month. M and E took their first solo trip together - a flight to visit Granny and Grandpa. By all accounts (and pictures), a good time was had by all. When they got back, Gramma and Papa were here waiting to continue the spoilage. Between trips, visitors, and the culmination of K's project, we managed to squeeze in a trip to the blackberry patch. 

September: K started off the month by flying with Elliot to visit Gramma and Papa. Lucky us, they live on a lake and it was the perfect farewell to summer. After that, we just seemed to bounce from one busy weekend to the next - 2 weekends in a row of events for M followed by 2 weekends in a row of events with E's school. Oh yeah, and we realized we had an 18 month old. What the... ?!

October: Busy, busy, busy. Granny came for a visit, M and K both had business trips (at different times, thankfully), E started swim lessons, we had half a dozen social engagements and playdates, we converted our basement into a tricked out "man cave" for E (a.k.a. a playroom), we picked apples and carved pumpkins, and of course, dressed our child up as a woodland-creature-slash-lawn-ornament. E also began his battle with the plague, but more on that in a moment...

November: This month started off with a bang, and by bang, I mean first scary-high fever and corresponding trip to the ER. Poor E was so sick. M and I traded off spending days at home with him until we'd both exhausted our sick leave accounts and put off work tasks as long as possible, and then Granny came out to give us some much needed relief. A couple of weeks later, Gramma and Papa arrived for a long Thanksgiving visit. While they were here, Papa built their Christmas gift to Elliot - a train table for his playroom. (Have I mentioned how completely obsessed with trains he is? It's unbelievable.) When he saw it for the first time, he just ran around it in circles hyperventilating. He loves loves loves it.  Just before Gramma and Papa left, E came down with his first ever stomach flu. We're ALL hoping it's the last one he has for a loooong time.

December: Holiday gatherings galore. Cookies and candies made by the gross. Travel to Granny and Grandad's for Christmas. It was Elliot's eleventh RT flight but the first where I had serious doubts we'd all get off alive. The perfect storm of an overtired nearly 2-year-old, who has really become too big and active to be a lap child, on a long, full, late, day-after-Christmas flight made our return trip something out of a horror movie. We've officially sworn off flying until the international trip we have locked in for this summer - lord help us all. But, I really shouldn't let the last 6 hours eclipse the first 6 days. The visit was wonderful - lots of sunshine and good times with family and friends. We took E to an aquarium that rocked his world, he rode a horse for the first time (Granny's horse, with M who is a very skilled rider), and he understood and loved every moment of the Christmas festivities. We said farewell to 2010 over champagne with good friends and brought E home to his own bed, which he stayed in until 9am the following morning. I can't imagine a greater gift. :-)

I hope that 2011 is off to a good start for all of you and your families, and that the remaining 363 days are filled with peace and happiness. Cheers!