Wednesday, September 22, 2010

growing up but not out and other updates

Elliot had his 18-month check-up on Monday. In the last three months, he has grown three inches and lost three ounces. This puts him around the 75th percentile for height (33in.) and just over the 50th for weight (26lbs. 5oz.).

He has 12 teeth with "several more" about to break through, per the doctor's observations. He rarely uses said teeth for eating; it has become a monumental struggle to get anything except fruit past his lips these days. He does quite enjoy brushing said teeth and would do so 10 times a day if we let him.

His doctor seemed underwhelmed by his preference to eat crayons rather than color with them, downright disappointed with my confession that he still gets a bottle at bedtime, and drop-jaw amazed by his mad puzzle skillz. (She had a color/shape sorting thing in the exam room and he consistently put everything on the right pegs which she deemed "pretty remarkable" for an 18-month old. Ha! She should see him do his alphabet puzzle! Perhaps you will see him if I can manage to upload the video I took yesterday.)

He seems to be starting to grab onto different names for us. We've been trying to plant seeds of Mom/Mommy for me and Mum/Mummy for M but we knew in the end it would be his decision. He seems to be going more in the direction of "Mama" for me and "Muh" for M. Hey, whatever works kiddo. He has also (finally) started saying his own name. Well, sort of, except he pronounces it "Luh-T" with the T being its own excessively crisp and clear syllable. It's by far the cutest thing he's done. This week. :-)

I started sewing his Halloween costume last night. Lord help us all.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

one point five

I'll keep this brief because I am oh-so-tired, but today is Elliot's 18-month "birthday" and I feel like that deserves  a moment of my time.

Here's my take on what rocks about having an 18-month old. I thought of this as we were driving home from work and school this evening. My car needed some work done on it so M and I traded vehicles, which meant I was in her pick-up, which meant E was on the seat beside me* and I could see and talk to and tickle him at will. When Elliot was a newborn, my love for him was primal; rooted in some evolutionary sense of ownership and duty. I am his mother, he is my son, of course I love him - that sort of thing. I made him from scratch, for heavens sake. At 18 months, I find I love him more because I really, really like him. His personality has taken on dimension and he has characteristics I can count on. I can honestly say I enjoy his company. He has turned into such a sweet little boy; kind, clever, talkative, adaptable, and happy, but with a temper. I feel like I'm finally getting to "meet" him as a person and not just a baby, and while I know (hope?) I would love him unconditionally, I'm thrilled to find I like him as much as I do.

*I would hasten to tell you that yes, we disabled the passenger airbag, but M's car is so old, it doesn't have a passenger airbag to disable. So, yeah. It also doesn't have power steering (or power anything for that matter) and it is sorely overdue for a paint job. Poor M. She really needs a new car. Guess it's time to buy a lottery ticket.

Monday, September 13, 2010

back from vacation

Sorry for the radio silence. Shortly after my last post, E and I ran away to my parents' house for a week with no internet, no cell phone and lots of beach time. It was awesome. The adjustment back to normal life has been a little rough, but we're getting there. I have about a hundred posts in my reader to get through, and that's only because I deleted anything that wasn't from a personal blog. I hope to be caught up with everyone soon.

Speaking of my last post, I'm leaving it up for now. I can't figure out a way to hide it without deleting it altogether and your comments are just too kind to lose. Thanks so much for all the support; I know the happy face was harder to find for some than others. You all are very good friends. :-)

So about that trip...

(the mystery shadow is my brother)

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

coming clean

I have gone back and forth (and back and forth) about whether or not to write this post.

There is an FET in our very near future. We’ve jumped through all the pre-cycle hoops the RE requires and the funds to pay for the procedure arrived in my shiny new FSA this morning. Our original plan was to do a transfer this month until we realized it would fall right on top of a trip E and I are leaving on tomorrow morning. Then, we learned the dates of a major trip we’re taking with BIL/SIL next year and realized it would be good to push everything back one more month. While it doesn’t seem possible that our FET will produce an actual child (20% success rate at our clinic), it seemed like a responsible move to at least consider the fact that I might end up pregnant, improbable though that seems.

I’m sorry for not sharing this with you until now. To date, I have told one friend about our plans. One. I have been coveting this fantasy world where M and I become pregnant with no one else knowing about it. Can you imagine? We’d be so… normal. I knew there were costs – specifically, costs to you, my cherished IF blog community – but I hoped that you’d be able to understand why I did what I did. I wrote my “coming out” post a hundred times in my head – hopefully to be a pregnancy announcement post, but maybe just a “here’s what we’ve been up to but it didn’t work” post – begging for your forgiveness for not telling you and explaining how going through the process NOT on a microscope slide was so important for my own healing and for my relationship with M. With our first pregnancy, I spent two years blogging and message-boarding every decision, every blood test, every setback, and every emotion. You all got me through it. M was there every step of the way, of course, but you were an integral part of our team. In hindsight, I have wondered how things would have been different if I’d turned more toward M during those times of need. Was there a cost to inviting so many people into what is typically a 2-person journey? Did I share things with you I should have kept between us? I don’t know the answer, but I feel secure enough to do things differently this time and see how it goes. It’s different going down this road a second time. I don’t feel as panicked or desperate as I did while TTC #1. (Not yet, at least. Check back with me after a couple of failed FETs and we’ll see where I am then.) My gut tells me it will be good for me and M, and that doing things in a more private way will go miles toward replenishing some of what infertility has taken from me. Can you even imagine getting pregnant with only you and your partner knowing you were trying? How bold. How fantastical. What must it feel like to have that much power over your environment? I was determined to try it.

But then there is the fly in the ointment, and that fly is you, dear readers. I can’t make peace with my decision because I know how deeply a surprise pregnancy announcement would wound you. I have taken too much from this community – from you – to act selfishly now. As I write this, I know it is the right thing to do. I just have one favor to ask of you: I really don’t want to talk about this again until we have news to share. If you’d like to leave a comment on this post, I would be touched and grateful to read your thoughts. But going forward from here, can we all just pretend you don’t know anything? I promise to bring back news whenever there is news to bring.

I know that some (many?) of you have That Feeling in the pit of your stomach right now. How greedy and presumptuous of us to be headed back into the stirrups already. How selfish of me to have waited until now to spill the beans. I know, and I’m sorry. I wish there was more I could do to mitigate that pain. Hopefully you can feel the reverence with which I hold your feelings, even as I share something I know may injure them.

I’m going to leave this post up for about a week and then I will make it private. I figure that will allow plenty of time for any of my regular readers to get up to speed, and you are the only people I feel I owe any disclosure to. I have been blogging (well, journaling I guess, since I haven’t been sharing them) our FET steps up until this point and my intention is to make all of those posts public at some point. I will add this post in with those to be (re)published in the future.

Again, I would be honored to read any and all comments you feel so moved to leave here. I just ask that once this post is sealed off, the information is sealed with it until sometime in the future when it is re-opened under my own (hopefully happy) terms.