Monday, July 30, 2007

A story

During the first month that I went to KD's, my cycle was perfectly synchronized with two other women on my chat board. The three of us ovulated on the same day and proceeded to discuss our imaginary symptoms while we waited out our two weeks from hell together. At the end of the cycle, both of them were pregnant and I was not.

One of them dropped off the board shortly after, but the other has remained a regular poster and I've followed her pregnancy with affection. She's a neat person, and someone I would have been drawn to anyway, but given the circumstances, she also became my living, breathing (if virtual) marker of "what if?" Her due date was set for the same day mine would have been. When she posted pictures of her growing belly, I would look down at my own and think of how strange that would be. When she passed her due date (nearly 2 weeks ago!), I thought about how insane it would be if M and I were having a BABY right now, and also of how anxious she must be to meet the little person that's been kicking her and keeping her up at night for so many months now.

She finally had her little boy last Friday. He was 11 days overdue. She returned to the board last night to post a quick report and a picture. He's adorable, of course. I am very used to these "s/he's here!" posts. There are 3-5 per month on my board, and I usually have no reaction to them, other than thinking the babies are cute and being relieved that everyone is healthy and happy. But reading this story and looking at this picture, I felt a strange and unexpected little tug. It wasn't sadness or jealousy or anything like that. It was just this weird sensation of looking at something that could be mine, chronologically speaking. I have lived vicariously through his mother's pregnancy, and now here he is, and I feel a connection to him that I didn't expect. Aside from that, he is like a living, breathing (again, if virtual) representation of how much time has passed since we began trying. And that time that has passed adds up to a person. It's just kind of crazy, and amazing, and I'm not sure what all else. This probably doesn't make much sense. Admittedly, I haven't made sense of it myself yet. I just thought it was interesting.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Back in the game

Next IUI should be around August 10th.

Friday, July 13, 2007

baby step

I've had a breakthrough. It's a tiny one, but that's all I'm hopin' for these days.

Last night I was thinking about the millions upon millions of possible DNA combinations between sperm and egg and how crazy it is that at some point, this process is going to work and a whole brand new person is going to come into existence - a product of a towering number of tiny variables. (Sidebar: In order to understand my point of view on this, you have to know that despite the impatient venting that frequently appears in this blog, I do genuinely believe that everything happens for a reason, and at the right time... but it doesn't stop me from wishing that right time was sooner rather than later.) Anyway, I had a lightbulb moment when I realized that if this process works even a month (or day or hour) sooner than it is "supposed to," our entire future family will change. Think of the difference between you and your sibling(s). Same sperm provider + same egg provider = totally different people.

The not knowing how long we will have to wait makes the interim months hard, but it doesn't change the fact that there is a certain formula for the creation of our family and if we wish for that to change (i.e. TTC working sooner rather than later), we are actually wishing for a different child than the one we are destined to have. Let's say I'm supposed to get pregnant on try #12. If I were to get pregnant on any of the previous 11 tries, I would be deprived of ever meeting the amazing person that is supposed to come into our lives. That doesn't make the first 11 tries any less disappointing, but I'm hoping this new perspective will help me make some sort of sense of it. We'll see. :-)

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

HSG... check.

The HSG is behind me. It was worse than I hoped but better than I feared, so all in all, I guess that's not bad. However, if I ever have to do another one it will be too soon.

The radiologist said everything looked good. Of course. One more test to tell me there is no reason why I shouldn't already by pregnant. I wish that results like that could be good news, but at this point, they just freak me out. It's just one more "fixable" thing checked off our list of possibilities. The radiologist said he would go over the images in detail and get a final report to the NP by today. I'll call sometime this week to check in since I know she won't call me. Now it is just a waiting game. Our next insemination should be sometime during the second week of August.

I had a really bad night on Friday. It had been building all week and it had to come out sometime, I guess. Some unexpected news ended up being the straw that broke the camel's back and all of the sudden it was like ALL of my grief over our journey so far welled up and spilled over. M and I talked a lot about options and the current thinking is to give this NP one or two more tries, then move on to someone who is willing to be more aggressive. That will be tough to do logistically because of my alter ego (you know, the one who is intimately involved with my brother-in-law, uh, I mean, my heterosexual partner?) but we'll figure it out. I don't have the emotional stamina to keep doing what we're doing with no success and no escalation in sight.

I'm also looking into options for counseling. I seem to have turned an emotional corner this month and I need some help keeping one foot in front of the other. There have been hard times every cycle around each negative result, but they always pass within a day or two. I'm now going into my third week of feeling really low, and that's no good. Before we started, I told myself it could take a while - years, even - but I knew immediately after our first negative result, and have learned more and more each day since, that I never really believed that. There is a part of me that never imagined for a moment that I wouldn't be pregnant by now. That same part of me still can't quite believe it or come to terms with it, and that leaves me feeling really scared and powerless. I've (now) had nearly every test in the book and there is no medical reason why I am not already pregnant. We've been at this for nearly a year and it's like we're exactly where we started - no, worse off than where we started because we now have 7 failed attempts under our belts and a long list of "easy fixes" that we are not candidates for.

*Sigh* I'm sorry I've been so miserable to get updates from lately. Imagine living with me. Poor M! :-/ This is just a tough month but it WILL get better. I know it will.

Thursday, July 5, 2007


I'm having such a hard day. It's one of those days where you're just sitting around minding your own business and it hits you like a train, knocking the wind out of you. I keep tearing up with no discernible trigger. I think I've just hit a point of being too... everything. Tired. Discouraged. Sad. Frustrated. Pessimistic. I'm stuck between feeling like I want to be Done - like TTC is just. too. much. and I need to stop, and recognizing that stopping is no better than the place we're in currently; the place that is making me this sad to start with. It just feels like it might be better because I would be choosing not to become pregnant instead of having that outcome thrust upon me month after month against my will. I know this line of thinking probably sounds crazy and premature to people who haven't been in this place -- hell, it sounds crazy to ME on any day better than this one. Yes, I absolutely do realize I'm young and we have lots of years and options ahead of us -- but there is this reality looming out there that perhaps choosing infertility would be better than having it imposed upon us, and that's a strange and sad horizon. Also, you just reach a point of being so tired and drained that it doesn't matter if how many options are available if you don't feel like you have the stamina to pursue them. I know I'm supposed to be thinking positively and keeping our struggles in perspective, but I'm just having a tough time with that right now. I knew going in that this could take us some time and I thought I was prepared for that, but I was totally off on my prediction of how consuming the tough times would be.

M and I listened to an episode of This American Life the other day that was on "the cringe." It was all about cringe-worthy life experiences and what gives them that quality. The bottom line was that it boiled down to trying. When you really try hard for something and it doesn't work out, you haven't just failed; you've embarassed yourself by putting forth so much effort. (Yes, this is a selective recap and I'm in a pessimistic mood, but this WAS the basic premise of the cringe theory.) Anyway, there is certainly a part of me that feels like at some point, it will be more livable to just stop TTC and maintain some dignity. I'm not so short-sighted to think I am there now, but I have found my thoughts going there more than is usual for me, and more than I would like.

My coworker went in for her second beta today. I would now put a LOT of money on there being at least 2 babies-to-be in there. From her numbers, it could be 3. She'll have an ultrasound next Thursday and then she'll know for sure. I can't say this isn't hard to be around right now. I can't even get pregnant with 1 and she may have 2, or more. I know it's stupid for me to compare our situations as if there is anything fair or balanced about the dice roll of conception. And, her situation isn't all a walk in the park - having twins as a single mom is no joke. But it still makes me wish it was my turn too. She's just so Happy. She's doing all she can to be sensitive and not give me updates unless I ask and all that, but she's unmistakably glowing already and I'm just jealous. No way around it.

My HSG is scheduled for Monday. There was a big mix-up getting it scheduled and I nearly bit someone's head off the other day. In the end, I forgot to remind the inept admin staff at my NP's office that she wanted me to start on an antibiotic and take some Vicodin pre-procedure. I'll call tomorrow to request the scripts. I'm not calling before then or they might realize their mistake in scheduling it Monday morning (a mistake that works in my favor) and tell me I have to have the test tomorrow, and I just couldn't cope with that little development right now.

I know this will pass. It always does. This is just a low point and things will go back up. This rough patch has just lingered longer than any thus far.