Thursday, August 30, 2007


My co-worker announced her pregnancy at lunch today. I've been waiting for this day since I found out she was pregnant and it was both easier and harder than I expected. I found that I was so nervous for her that I was oblivious to my own feelings during her announcement, and the ensuing celebration was fun because I really am so excited for her. But for some reason, or many reasons, I feel really down now. I guess it's just painfully obvious - to me, at least - that I've officially been left behind on my own. I'm just sad that we're so far behind where I wanted to be. There was a point where I thought I'd be holding a baby by now, and instead, I'm not even pregnant.

I think another part of my frustration is that the "mom's club" (aka the two women who had babies in February that get on my nerves to no end) could not have been less receptive to my co-worker's announcement. They didn't smile. They didn't say congratulations, or anything in that vein. They looked at each other and frowned at the table. Literally. It's like they can't share even a shred of the baby limelight, even though their babies are six months old! The celebrity status they claimed during pregnancy and during their first couple of months back was bad enough - now they're going to take away from someone else's joy? Give me a break. My co-worker totally noticed it as well and said something to me about it afterward. It just made me so sad for her.

One of our other co-workers who was not here at lunch just came in and we made her call the pregnant co-worker for the news. She was so genuinely excited and enthusiastic and congratulatory - it was an interesting juxtaposition to the less-than-friendly response the mom's club gave.

At lunch, everyone was making a big joke of starting a pool to predict who would be next to be pregnant. I guess that's what I get for working on a team of 12 women of "reproductive age" (oh how I hate that phrase). Predictions were flying right and left and I'm not sure if anyone guessed me, but I doubt it. I tried to tune the whole thing out. I'm so tired right now and so ready to stop being the big infertile loser around here. I just really, really, really want this next try to work.

Triplet boys on Christmas Day

I did a quick skim through my past posts and couldn't find this story anywhere, so here it is:

A million years ago (like, last spring) when M and I were first planning our TTC adventure, I was crazy. I'm crazy now, but it was a different kind of crazy then. It was the pathetic, naive kind of crazy.

I had all these conditions. Specifically, I really wanted a girl. To be honest, it wasn't so much that I wanted a girl as that I didn't want a boy. What the heck would M and I do with a boy?! So, I read up on all the gender selection tricks and discovered that we could increase our chances of having a girl by restricting our inseminations to a couple of days before ovulation actually occurs. Granted, this decreases your overall chance of becoming pregnant because the closer you inseminate to ovulation, the more likely you are to be successful in general, but it was a trade off I was willing to make. I figured if we could increase our chances of having a girl by letting it take a few extra cycles to work, it would be a worthwhile trade off. See? Crazy.

Another of my conditions was that I did not want a baby born between October and December. M and I both have birthdays during that time, as do many of our family members and close friends. Between all those birthdays and the general holiday frenzy, I just figured it was too crazy of a time already and there was no need to add another (planned) birthday to the mix. Cue more craziness: I just figured that if we weren't pregnant by the time those potential due dates rolled around, we'd just take a break until January came into focus! In all honesty, our first potential due date month was July and I honestly think it never actually occured to me that we might still be trying in October-due-date range, but still, it was my plan at one point.

And the last condition, put in place to avoid my greatest fear of all: I was terrified of the idea of multiples. The idea of twins was enough to make my blood run cold, let alone more than that. Based upon this fear, I decided I would never use fertility drugs. I mean, it's just not worth it, right? Even if it takes us an extra year or more, it's just not worth the risk! Yup, I actually thought that at one point.

...And then we had a few failed attempts and I got a grip on reality. My TTC co-worker (now pregnant) and I were talking several months ago about how our perspectives had changed after a handful of failed cycles and I told her how unbelievable it was to me that I'd ever thought the things I listed above. I said, "At this point, give me triplet boys born on Christmas day and I'll be the happiest woman in the world!" Ever since then it's been a slogan of sorts for M and I. Every time we have to jump through a hoop or do something we never thought we'd do, we look at each other and repeat the mantra. When we very first talked about switching donors and I was totally freaked out about the possibility, M said "This is just the latest 'triplet boys on Christmas day' compromise - how badly do we want this?"

So that's the story. I know it's kind of lame, but it sums up what I consider to be a significant evolution in my perspective. The craziest part of it all is that I really mean it. Give me the freaking triplet boys! I'll take 'em! Of course now, we're looking at something more like Easter or Mother's Day or something, but whatever. You get the point. :-)

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

A heavy-hearted update

Well, we've made a detour on the TTC journey. We're switching to an anonymous donor.

It was a difficult decision that M and I have been wrestling with for the past month - ever since the daunting acting challenge we all went through last cycle. When things were looking grim, we started frantically scrambling for any option that would help us save the cycle, and we ended up with a stack of anonymous sperm donor profiles in our laps. At the time, I could hardly look at them without getting queasy. I have been so thoroughly in love with the way we've been trying to build our family and I was heartsick at the idea of having to go in a different direction. Fortunately we didn't have to cross that bridge at the time because I was nowhere near ready.

Fast forward through one month and one more failed attempt. M and I took a hard look at our goals for the next couple of years and realized that we only have 3 (maybe 4) more months to try to get pregnant before we need to stop for a while. The situation is that we are planning to move sometime between August and December of next year. This means any babies would need to arrive between early June (my due date if I got pregnant this cycle) and August, or maybe September if we were willing to stay an extra month or two. Moving with a 3-4 month old will be hard enough - I can't even imagine going sooner than that. I can't in good conscience start a new job while pregnant, and it's likely my benefits wouldn't kick in in time anyway. Same goes for becoming pregnant a month or two into a new job - tacky! Moving while pregnant could all work out if M got a job with DP benefits and I found some well-paying temp work until the baby was born, but that's a couple too many best case scenarios to bank on. Plus, it would be a pain to have to transfer to a new OB midway through a pregnancy. I know people do it, but it would be nice to avoid if possible, you know? SO, baby has to come before September or not for at least a year after we move. That means there is a year long TTC hiatus looming on our horizon. That threat was all we needed to kick our butts into high gear. A year? I can hardly cope with a month off. A YEAR?!

So we're pulling out all the stops. One pearl of the collective TTC wisdom is that if you try a few times with no luck and all the medical tests say everything's good, change donors. I've seen several women try for months and months, then switch donors and get pregnant on their first or second cycle. Apparently some sperm and eggs just don't play well together. Changing donors is the first step we're taking. If that doesn't work, we'll look into adding acupuncture, herbs, meds, more IUIs per cycle, and heaven knows what else. For the next 3-4 months, we're trying anything and everything. I even consented to let a woman on one of my online boards do "quantum touch" long distance from Texas. We're ready for anything. It still seems a little crazy to me that this change wasn't anywhere on our radar 6 weeks ago, and now we're charging full-speed in a whole new direction, but as I've heard about so many other parts of the TTC craziness - it's good practice for parenthood. Rolling with the punches is definitely one of those necessary skills.

If it works with the new donor, it will truly be bittersweet. There's definitely a part of me that is hoping it doesn't so that we go back to using KD and do whatever it takes, even if that is IVF. However, there's a bigger part of me that just wants this to work, by whatever means necessary, which is not to say I won't still be a little sad if this is how it has to go in order to work. That second part of me is the part of me that wants M and I to have some disposable income again (you know, at least until the baby is born and a whole new world of money bleeding starts!) and be able to talk about something other than OPKs and planning travel around insemination windows. I just want to move on to the next stage of ultrasounds and baby kicks and nursery painting. And then of course there is the baby - the pot of gold at the end of this crazy ride. I feel like we have earned our right of passage.

As M pointed out re: the switch to an anonymous donor, this is our new "triplet boys on Christmas day" challenge. (I've already explained what that means, right? Hmmm, gotta go back and check on that.) If we really want the baby, this is what we have to do. But, we're both still very sad about the change of plans and the turn away from the special bond we've been weaving with KD and his wife. We know the bond has been created no matter where we go from here, but there is still a loss and it is disappointing. Hopefully it will be worth it in the long run.

Monday, August 27, 2007

A low point

It's official, we're on to try #9. It was a sad weekend.

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Hoping. Again.

Everything went really well yesterday. The cryobank sent a full two times as many vials as I expected, which is awesome. We have enough to get through five months of IUIs (including this one) and even add an ICI at home during three of those five to boost our chances. Hopefully we won't need to go through them, but it's wonderful peace of mind to know they are all right here at our disposal.

For some reason, I'm really hopeful this time. I thought I was past the point of getting my hopes up too high, but apparently not. I feel that any little difference from previous cycles is cause for optimism at this point and my ovulation pains were on the opposite side from where I normally have them - stronger ovary, dare I hope? Also, I think our timing was perfect, and there was the HSG... I'm keeping everything crossed.

My show opened last night, and that went pretty well too. Near the end, I was standing backstage and my "daughter" came over to wait with me for our entrance. When she got to my side, she put her arms around my waist, leaned her head against my stomach, and whispered "Hello mother!"

Oh honey, I hope so.

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

The eagle has landed!

I just got a message from the NP that the shipment has arrived at her office. It almost seems too good to be true!

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Update for the soap fans - Part 2

This is my longest blog post ever... possibly THE longest blog post ever. Proceed at your own risk - there is no lifeguard on duty. ;-)

The situation is not yet resolved, to my knowledge, but I think it's as close as it's going to be for the next day or two. People's uniform response to the story has been that someone will need to write a book about all of this someday, so here's the rest of the details, before they are mercifully erased from my memory.

On Thursday afternoon, I came out of a meeting to find a voicemail on my phone at work. It was the office manager at my NP's office, a man notorious for spreading agony and ill will everywhere he goes. (I think I've mentioned this before, but my NP and I work in the same small field, meaning I interact with their office staff on a professional level frequently. As you might imagine, this does make my personal endeavors there a bit awkward at times, but she's the only NP in the city who will do what we need which is, ironically, ignoring the federal booby trap we've just fallen into for "directed donation." This office manager - E - is by far the most hated man in our system. He has made my colleagues cry. Seriously.) So, E left me a message saying I needed to call him back ASAP, which I did. E explained that the cryobank had called him needing some information from my file and he wanted to get it from me to avoid having to pull my chart. However, when I didn't call back within 20-30 minutes, he got my chart out so he was good to go for calling them back. I asked if he knew what they were wondering and he said the message they left was unclear, but he'd call me back if he needed more information or if there were any problems. As soon as I hung up, I started to worry just a bit - ours is a carefully constructed story. I decided I was just being paranoid though, and it's not like I could give much information over the phone anyway. I was on my work phone and I work in a cubicle. Surely he knows the legal atmosphere in which his clinic functions. I called M and we talked ourselves into believing it was probably nothing. We were wrong.

E called back within a half an hour and stated he was really confused now and wanted me to speak to the lab director myself. He mumbled something about our vials not being shipped, a six-month quarantine, and a physical exam for KD, but then said he had no idea what they were talking about. I explained that those things he was mentioning were what they required for cryobank clients who are not intimate partners, which is why the NP instructed us to tell them otherwise, but it sounded as though they had found out the truth. I asked E if he was given any indication of how this could have happened, since I clearly needed to call and lie through my teeth if we had any chance of going ahead this cycle, and after a long pause he said, "Well, me. I told them. I didn't realize that was a secret." He went on to say a bunch of other things about thinking M was KD's wife, then realizing she was my partner and how confusing my chart was with all these names and something about my "special arrangement" with the NP and blah, blah, blah... I couldn't hear much. My mind was racing with if and how this could possibly be cleaned up. As he realized the magnitude of his disclosure, he started apologizing, but he didn't offer to do anything to fix his little disaster. I took the woman's phone number, hung up the phone, grabbed my ttc buddy at work (who is more than familiar with E) and headed for the conference room to freak out. In talking to her, we came up with the following strategy: I call the cryobank the next day to place my shipping order and play dumb. When they tell me that my vials are in quarantine, I come unglued (as your average heterosexual woman would when faced with this situation) and demand to know how this can be fixed because SURELY it can be fixed. I figured the NP would probably need to become involved, but it was too late at that point to call her office back to find out when she would be back from vacation. I just started crossing my fingers that it wasn't any later than Monday.

I had sent an email to KD to give him a heads up and he called a little while later. He said that nothing had been out of the ordinary on his last visit and he was as surprised as I was to hear they'd started digging around in our file. I gave him a run down of "the plan" and agreed to keep him posted.

M and I strategized that night and came up with responses for everything they might be able to throw at me. The one thing we didn't have a ready response for was the existence of KD's wife. What if they had found out about her? What if they have some crazy search program that pulls up marital status and spouse information? If such things exist, it isn't unthinkable that they might have access to it, given the federally regulated field they operate in. Eventually, M pointed out the key: They don't require that I be married to KD, or that he not be married to someone else, only KD and I are "sexually intimate partners." The fact that he's married to someone else doesn't mean we can't be in a relationship or trying to become pregnant. *Sigh* So true. Isn't it amazing that people trying to have children within their extramarital affairs manage to escape moral judgment, but not single women who are attempting to get pregnant with the help of another fully informed and consenting adult? Which atmosphere is likely to be more nurturing to the resulting child? Whatever. The double standard could work in our favor here, so I'm not about to challenge it.

The next morning, I called the NP's office first to find out when she would be returning - Monday. Hallelujah. Then I called the cryobank. I initially tried to do it while driving, thinking that having to focus on something else would help disguise my anxiety, but I was shaking too badly from nerves so I pulled over. I got B (our regular lab contact) and tried to place my shipping order. "Ohhhh," he said slowly when I identified myself. "Um, you're going to need to talk to B2."

"OK," I answered cheerfully.

B2 came on the line. She calmly and politely explained that it had come to their attention that KD is not my partner, which makes him a "donor." Not a donor in the cryobank sense where you call up and give them a number - she was quick to add - because clearly I know KD, but a donor in the legal sense nonetheless. And so, this means that their lab has to... blah, blah, blah.

I knew I needed to interrupt her quickly, if I was to have any credibility, and demand to know how she had come to this ludicrous conclusion, but (1) she was talking really fast - I think she might have been as nervous as I was, and (2) I still didn't know how she had come up with this information and I needed to know what I was up against. It was a balancing act between wanting to show my own righteous indignation and needing to give her a chance to show her cards. I let her talk a little bit longer, then dove in head first.

"I'm sorry to interrupt you," I said, cutting her off. "I'm just confused as to what might have given you the idea that KD and I are not intimate partners." This silenced her for a split second. She wasn't expecting that. She explained that something in our file had tipped them off, and when they called my doctor's office for clarification, their suspicions were confirmed by someone named E.

I won't bore you with all of the details here but in the end, they knew about both KD's wife and M, and I had a lot of explaining to do. After I denied being in a same-sex relationship, she said, "so you don't know an M?"

"Know her?" I shrieked. "Of course I know her, she is KD's sister, but I'm not in a relationship with her. That is absolutely absurd!" I think I even laughed a little, in a totally dumbfounded way. This was the moment that secured my Emmy, and my farthest departure from reality. I may have even bordered on homophobic. Perhaps it was too much, but I just reacted the way I thought the average heterosexual woman would react if falsely accused of being in an intimate relationship with the sister of her male partner. It worked. B2 was clearly embarassed, and I felt bad for that.

When asked about KD's wife, I declined to comment and said I'd have to have KD call because "his personal life may be complicated but it is certainly not my place to discuss it with you." She said that speaking to KD would definitely help.

She asked why we were living in different states and I said that people do it all the time. He is working there, I am working here, and our plan is to be living in the same place within the next year, but we would prefer not to have to wait until then to start a family.

As I type all of this, my comment above about denying my relationship with M being my biggest lie seems strange - the whole phone call was so far out on a limb, it seems silly to quantify degrees - but if you think about it, everything else had some element of truth to it. Are KD and I sexually active in the way she meant it? Of course not. But is there much difference between that and having nearly a year of inseminations under our belt? I think not. If the purpose of the law is to protect my health (which is the BS claim they make), I've already been exposed to whatever it is they're worried about. Seven times. Oops. It is also not a lie that my intention is to be living in the same place as KD a year from now - that's the current plan - or that this family that we are creating is "ours" if you look at the big picture. KD will just be the uncle rather than the dad. There were significant departures from reality to come in explaining KD's relationship with his wife, but those unfortunately fell to him. For my part, my feigning shock and - I hate to say it, but a little bit of disgust - at the "accusation" of being in a lesbian relationship was the hardest pill for me to swallow. I just have to keep reminding myself that I did it for M and I, and it's only a means to an end.

M and I have both been struggling with the "rule breaking" aspect of all of this. For better or for worse, we are the type of kids who like to stay out of trouble and do what were told to do. The decision to throw caution to the wind and GO for this was a scary one, but we felt it was worth a shot. I kept thinking of the King quote about breaking an unjust law openly and lovingly. I'm not putting this miniature act of resistance to discrimination anywhere near on par with the Civil Rights Movement, but it was the "some laws must be broken" nudge that M and I needed to feel comfortable with pushing forward. Up to that point, we had been able to get by using semantics and lies of omission, for the most part. This was going to call for a full scale deception, and would surely carry more serious consequences if it were to blow up in our face.

The other thing I have held in my mind that has helped me stomach all of this is the belief that B2 - who is actually a really nice woman - knows what's up and is cool with it. The idea of her as collateral damage is too unsettling to me. I like to think of her as someone who knows this law is a bunch of BS, but she's got a job to do and she needs to dot her Is and cross her Ts. She wants this all to work out for us, just not at her own expense, which means we still have to get all the documents to her and declare to the death that our relationship is what she needs it to be, but deep inside, she's glad we're sticking it to the man. Perhaps I'm kidding myself, but it makes me feel better about both her and I, so I'm going with it.

But I have digressed, and badly. In the end, B2 agreed to lift the quarantine if and only if I would have KD call to testify about the respective roles his wife and I play in his life, and our NP would write a letter declaring that we are indeed "sexually intimate partners." She said to be sure it used those words exactly. She initially said that it would need to be an original signature, so it would have to be mailed. I insisted this would be impossible for us because I am due to ovulate next week and I couldn't afford to miss this cycle because I had an HSG last month. (At this point, B2 said "awwww" in the most genuinely sympathetic way. Apparently she is familiar with the hell that is an HSG.) She put me on hold for a minute while she asked someone else about making an exception. When she came back to the phone she said they would ship upon receipt of a faxed copy, but I had to promise to have a hard copy mailed as well for my chart. I said I would make these things happen as quickly as possible and we ended our conversation.

After I hung up, I immediately called KD. I recapped a couple of key points from my conversation and asked KD to think about whether he would be willing to call and support the story I'd put out there. He sounded appropriately stunned by the whole thing and said he'd figure something out. A few minutes after getting off the phone, I realized what an idiot I was. Perhaps I should fill him in on some of the details I provided about our life together, huh? We talked again, briefly, to compare notes, and KD said his current plan was to call back and say that he and his wife are amicably separated and pursuing divorce, and she is aware of our relationship and our plans for me to become pregnant. (Is it even necessary for me to say something at this point about how amazingly lucky M and I are to have KD in our corner? Are there even words that would come close to expressing it?) KD agreed to make his phone call by the end of the day, and I left a message for the NP stating I had a logistical emergency and I needed her to call ASAP when she returns from vacation.

KD called later to let me know B2 had been receptive to his call and his side of the story, and now we were just waiting on the letter from the NP. This is where we sat all weekend. For most of the weekend, my mind was at ease, knowing the last piece of the puzzle had to come from the woman who taught me the lie in the first place. By Sunday night, I was a ball of nerves again. For some reason, I decided that the NP was going to say that putting that information in writing was where she would draw the line. She was with us to that point, but that was a threshhold she couldn't cross professionally.

On Monday morning, I called her pager for my standard day 10 check-in (I have to call her daily from day 10 of my cycle on to update her on my ovulation indicators) and left an extra message that I needed to speak with her ASAP about some documents the cryobank needed. She called back about five minutes later. I explained that E had told the cryobank that KD was not my intimate partner and had gone so far as to give them my partner's full name. After a pause, she said that she hadn't talked to E to hear his account of this yet, but she hoped he would not have done that. I recapped my conversation with E in which he admitted it, and she was clearly disappointed. She apologized and asked if she needed to call them. I said that they actually had requested a letter from her and I gave her the specific wording to use. I explained that she needed to fax a copy and put the original in the mail, and gave her all of the relevant contact information. She agreed to do it that morning.

At 12:45pm on Monday, I called the bank to confirm everything was resolved and place my order. I got B, again, who was clearly uncomfortable speaking with me, again. He said that the fax was received, but he could not speak with me further or take my order until B2 had a chance to approve it. I asked if I could give him the information for my order and he could just call me if there was a problem and he said no, but reassured me that B2 would be in within half an hour and he'd leave her a message to call me ASAP.

I called them again at 5:30pm, having stared at my silent cell phone for hours. This time I spoke to B2 who explained, nicely as ever, that they had received the NP's letter, but could not accept it because she is an NP and the letter needed to be from the supervising physician. B2 said she had spoken to the NP and she was working on arranging this, and they expected to receive the fax that afternoon or the next morning. As long as this occured, my shipment would arrive at the NP's office on Wednesday morning. She said that they would confirm a ship date with the NP once the fax is received. Why with the NP and not me? Who knows. I was so DONE talking to these people, I just let it go. The NP is nearly impossible to get messages to unless I use the pager (which I'm not supposed to except for my daily check in) and she doesn't call me for anything, so I know better than to expect to hear something from her to put my mind at ease. I could call the cryobank this afternoon to find out what happened, but frankly, I don't have it in me to call them again. I feel like every phone call to them is a roll of the dice and the whole thing might blow up in my face at the slightest misstep on my part. I've kind of accepted that everyone knows what needs to be done and no amount of hand-holding on my part is going to make that happen any faster. It will come together or it won't. I've done all I can do.

All signs are pointing to early ovulation (hmm, could it be from STRESS??), so I expect I'll be calling in the next day or two to schedule my IUI, and I guess I'll find out at that point if the vials have arrived. M and I just keep saying how much better we'll feel once the vials are here in our own time zone. Perhaps they are already en route. I think that if these 4-6 vials (yeah, I don't even know how many they are shipping) don't do the trick, we'll have to move on to another plan. I think our relationship with the this cryobank may have run it's course. Here's hoping this all becomes a moot point soon.

My apologies for the excessively long update. I should have put an intermission in there somewhere. LOL! I can not WAIT to tell this story to our teenager the first time they throw a fit about how we don't appreciate them enough. :-)

Monday, August 6, 2007

almost out of the woods

I talked to the NP this morning. She was pretty shocked when I told her about her office manager's disclosure. She said she hadn't talked to him yet but she "hoped" he wouldn't do something like that. I told her that he admitted it to me on the phone and she was pretty much speechless.

I explained what needed to happen and she said "I only ever know what my patients tell me. Are you telling me that you and KD are 'sexually intimate partners'?"

"Absolutely," I replied.

She's sending the fax this morning and will put the hard copy in the mail.

I'm going to continue to hold my breath until I talk to the cryobank in a couple of hours, but it looks like this may actually all work out.

Friday, August 3, 2007


I'm gearing up for my big phone call to the cryobank. I am so nervous. I can't believe how much is riding on the outcome of this conversation. Talk about a test of my acting abilities...I couldn't sleep last night. My mind just kept racing about all the possibilities, both good and bad. This morning, I changed our home answering machine so that it has a generic outgoing message. No more of this "Hi, you've reached K and M" business. The need to do that makes me so sad. I feel like it's the 1940s or something.

Update for the soap fans - Part 1

What a bizarre 24 hours it has been. I made the phone call - certainly one of the strangest experiences of my life. I've never lied so blatantly, or with such high stakes. It seems this whole ttc process is one of constantly rediscovering the lengths one will go to.

It turns out that having the quarantine lifted requires three steps:
1) I call and lie.
2) KD calls and adds his own side of the lie. (talk about going "above and beyond")
3) Our NP writes a letter to verify said lie(s).

Steps 1 and 2 are done, and I have a message in to the NP to call me ASAP when she returns to work on Monday morning. I feel confident that she will agree to write the letter we need, especially since her office manager violated my legal rights by disclosing some of the details that he did. If everything continues to click along, we should have no trouble getting the samples here in time for next week's festivities. I can not count the times I have sighed with relief today that we left ourselves a buffer, timing-wise. Having a few extra days of wiggle room in this "waiting to ship" phase will be the thing that saves us for this cycle. That, and a whole lot of very well intentioned dishonesty.

Baby-to-be, you are so very loved.

Thursday, August 2, 2007


Our society is so bass-ackward. Meet M and I: two intelligent, capable, resourceful, and motivated people who want to have a baby, pay for it ourselves, and love it unconditionally. Now meet the morally corrupt system that is telling us we can't.

We have suffered a monumental setback today. For some reason that I can not understand, the cryobank decided to do a little digging into the mysterious nature of my relationship to KD. In their quest for discovery, they did not call KD or I, who would have been happy to reassure them. No, they called our nurse practitioner's office. Unfortunately, our nurse practitioner (the person that first sat me down and informed me of the bullshit laws that are designed to prevent single women and lesbians from conceiving AS WELL AS how to get around them), is out on vacation, so they reached the office manager (weasel) instead. He dutifully informed them that KD is in fact my brother-in-law, and I am attempting to become pregnant via artificial insemination.

And that was that. Our cryobank account has now been flagged as a "directed donation," and we have to put KD through another expensive and time-consuming battery of tests before we can receive any of the samples he has already deposited. The silver lining? We've got nothin' but time to do it in. As a directed donation, all samples are also subject to a SIX MONTH quarantine. That means that all the samples that KD went entirely above and beyond to accumulate in preparation for our next shipment (supposed to be going out in a mere five days) must now be held until the end of J A N U A R Y of 2 0 0 8.

The office manager called me to say that they were mandating quarantine and said he was "so confused" as to why this might be! I said it sounded like they found out we were not "intimate partners" and asked if he knew how that could have happened, since our NP told us what to say and we've never strayed from the story. "Oh," he said. "Well, I guess I told them then. I just read what was here in your chart." He proceeded to tell me how very sorry he was to have caused this situation, but he did not offer to help clean it up. I asked if the NP was available. My first thought was to see if she would be willing to call on our behalf, say that her office manager was confused, and "clear up" any "misunderstandings" that may have occured. This is when I learned she is out on vacation. I didn't have the presence of mind to ask when she would be back - the world had already begun to spin too fast for that.

I really don't know what to do. I can't fly to KD next week. I would miss ANYTHING work-related at this point, but I'm set to ovulate ON the opening night of a play I am in. I can't stomach the idea of taking another break for one month, let alone six. This past month off was too hard on me. Even if I could, we'd be crazy to miss out on one of our 3 post-HSG elevated fertility months. My best idea at this point is to call the cryobank tomorrow morning and feign ignorance. I'm just going to say that I'm calling to make shipping arrangements, and when they tell me about the minor change to my account status, I'm going to be outraged and demand to know how I can fix the mistake that the "clearly confused" office manager has made. How can they possibly ask me to prove that KD and I are intimate partners? Will the demand a demonstration? I think not. On one hand, I can't imagine this will work. On the other, I'd like to see how they can prevent it from working. I'm interested to see what kind of "proof" of intimacy they can possibly ask for, other than our word. The bottom line is that I don't know what else to do. I kind of feel like this is our only hope, and if it doesn't work, well, then we won't be any worse off than we are now, right?

I'm just so shocked and sad that in the midst of a society filled with so many unplanned, unwanted, and unloved children, someone would make this process so damn near impossible for people like M and I. What do they care how I want to get pregnant? Can't I just sign a frigging release saying I won't sue them if I get some horrible disease? Isn't that what lawyers are for, to write contracts like that? I'm so sick of people feeling that they have the right to make such intimate decisions for me and how M and I create our family. We're not hurting anyone. We're just trying to build OUR own family and not be discriminated against. Wouldn't these legislators efforts be better channeled into preventing teen pregnancy, treating babies born addicted to crack, or improving the foster care system. Damn it! Leave us alone already!

I shouldn't have written this right now. I should have let myself cool off. I'm just so...

Damn it.