The Big Chocolate Santa

A few days ago, my BFF In Loco Parentis compared reading my NaBloPoMo posts to opening an advent calendar. I was flattered by the analogy and to thank her, I would like to present her with the prize behind box 24 (or 30, in this case): A post about her and how much I value our friendship.

I'm shamelessly stealing from her playbook on this one. She posted this during my IVF cycle and it was a bright spot during a really stressful time. I revisited the post today and read it again. Glad I did, too. I forgot which stories she shared and it turns out they were pretty much all the same ones I had planned to post, but enhanced by her superior wit and charm. Foiled!

Fortunately, I'm certain I can scrounge up a few more...

For example, did you know that she is a hairless cat owner? Have you ever seen a hairless cat? They are truly unfortunate looking amazing creatures. One might say (and has said, frequently, in fact) that they look like a dinosaur/chicken fetus. In fact, I'm pretty sure that's her current cat's actual name: Dinosaur Chicken Fetus. ILP has to have hairless pets because she nearly died one time of a hamster-induced breathing incident. She would have been in big trouble if she hadn't driven herself to the emergency room and walked herself through the doors before falling unconscious. She is a serious bad ass.

When M and I got married, ILP was one of my bridesmaids. She came up with a hysterical alter ego for the occasion, complete with a special name that hinged upon her achieving a perfectly bronzed exterior prior to the big day. I shared this with KD during the week leading up to the wedding, so when she arrived, the introductions went something like this:
ILP: Hi, I'm ILP (real name, not alter ego name). It's nice to meet you.
KD: You're not very tan.
*palm to forehead* Fortunately, I didn't need to scold him. He beat himself up enough for the both of us, and still does. He's brought it up no less than a dozen times in the years since. Every time ILP comes up in conversation, he asks for confirmation that she's the same ILP he made an ass of himself in front of at the wedding. Yup, that'd be her.

It was awesome having ILP in our wedding. She was really understanding and non-judgmental when I went all bridezilla on my friends and family, or at least she put on a convincing front. She restrained herself from putting the smack down on the bridesmaid newsletters I allowed The N.est to convince me were Absolutely Essential. She sucked it up during a marathon group mani-pedi session and played Apples to App.les for hours on the salon floor. She marched down a dusty mountain in heels because I had A Vision. And to secure her position as MVP, she hung around after the Sunday brunch to fill me in on alllll the juicy gossip she extracted from our wedding guests while I was busy being a princess. What more could a girl ask for, really?

ILP and I share custody of a magic hat. We pass it back and forth depending on who needs its powers most at the time. It may be hard for me to explain the origins of the magic hat, but I feel compelled to try. The hat came from Blockb.uster Video during the original wave of Harry Po.tter madness. ILP and I had been wandering aimlessly through the aisles and I turned around to see her holding an inverted sorcerer's hat in both hands, staring raptly into its depths. When she felt my eyes on her, she looked up and said, in the most incredulous tone imaginable, "This is a magic hat!" I found her child-like awe so irresistible, I demanded the hat go home with us. It turns out that she didn't think the hat was endowed with any magical powers - she was actually referring to the fact that there was an adjustable band inside the hat that allowed it to snugly fit a wide range of head sizes. As I recall, there was some pants-wetting-caliber laughter once we shared our respective understandings of how the hat was magical. She has it now. I may ask for it back if (when) M and I go crazy and decide to ttc #2, lord help us.

We've been through a lot together in our 10+ years of friendship. I think it sucks ass that infertility is on that list. I would have liked to have spared us both the pain it caused. That said, words fail me in describing how therapeutic it has been to have her companionship during our shared journey. A "beginner's luck" baby could have easily been the thing that divided us, but instead, we have both been allll the way around the block and we can swap 2ww and PIO horror stories to no end. We've talked about how much closer we've become as a result of our infertility experiences, and I count that as one of the gifts I'm taking away from the madness. I can't wait to see what the future brings, both for us and our oh-so-wanted little boys. I hope they grow up together, experiencing the same fondness and respect for one another as I have for ILP. Oh, and I hope they share a little magic, too.

Any old Sunday

This is going to be quick and stream-of-consciousness because I do not expect the kiddo to continue napping for long and I've got a thousand more productive things I should be doing right now, but I can't pass up the opportunity to comment on our first Father's Day as parents.

The other day, a co-worker who knows the identity of our donor asked me several questions about how he has responded to Elliot. In each question, she referred to KD as Elliot's "biological father." My answer was that he interacted with Elliot exactly as any other uncle should toward a nephew because that is what they are to each other. My answer satisfied her, but her questions totally weirded me out. This is because I never think of KD as Elliot's father in any way. I almost never even think of him as Elliot's donor. I did not know this was how it would be, but it is. Today, his involvement with our family is so peripheral, I completely forget the special connection exists unless someone calls my attention to it.

Because of all of these feelings, or more precisely, the absence of feelings, I want to extend a special gratitude to KD today. I can't actually do this because it would be inappropriate and freak him out, so I'm casting it out into the blogosphere. I want to thank him for the priviledge he has provided us of forgetting the part he played in Elliot's conception. I believe what he did for us may be as close to an ultimate sacrifice as anyone will ever make for me and my family. On this day of celebrating fathers, I want to thank him for giving up any claim to that role so that M and I can enjoy our son and the way he resembles both of us, without conscious awareness of the biological impossibility we represent. This Father's Day means very little to us, and that is because we do not have to physically or emotionally share Elliot with a father. Not all men would be able to give such an amazing gift and then entrust its future to us so completely but he has, and our family is what it is because of him.

So, Happy Non-Father's Day, KD, and thank you from the bottom of my heart.

already a trouble-maker

On Wednesday, we got our first baby gift. :-) It was a copy of The Runaway Bunny with an inscription in the front from Aunt and Uncle KD - so adorable. They sent it along with a card that said "Pregnancy is the happiest reason ever for feeling like crap." It was pretty timely, actually.

Not 60 seconds before opening the package I had told M that I was feeling terrible and if this is what the next few months were going to be like, I was in for a rough ride. I had been sick to my stomach for the last 24 hours and I was about ready to pass out from exhaustion. I couldn't believe I was feeling so awful at only 5 weeks and I was pretty intimidated by what was in store as my pregnancy hormones continued to compound. I needn't have worried - yet, at least. I'm feeling about a thousand times better. It seems, much to my dismay, that our baby just doesn't like Sesame Tofu. *gasp* On Tuesday night, we went to one of our favorite restaurants and I ordered my favorite dish there... and then I spent the next 36 hours paying for it. It became clear within the hour that I'd made a mistake, but it wasn't until the middle of the night that I realized the extent of what I'd done. No fun.

This Sesame Tofu issue pains me on two levels. First, our baby clearly has a disaster of a palate. Already. This particular entree is one of the finest dishes I have ever tasted and if our child can't appreciate that, I just don't know what to think. Second, if I have to go 9 months without Sesame Tofu, I'm not sure I'm going to make it. I mean, no alcohol? Fine. Limited seafood? I can live with it. No soft cheeses? Eh, not my fave restriction, but I'll make it work. No Sesame Tofu? That may just be crossing a line. Apparently this kid is intent on testing the limits from the word go. Only the size of an appleseed and already has me wrapped around his or her little finger...

a few of my favorite things

There were many kindnesses shown during our IVF cycle that warmed my heart, made me laugh, and/or brought me to tears. I am nearly at a loss for words to describe how uplifting it has been to rediscover just how wonderful our family and friends are, and how humbling it is to know that they are ours; that these people have chosen us to share in their lives. I am not sure that I have said thank you enough, or that I even could, but their gestures have meant the world to me and I thought I would share a few with you here:

• When we were gearing up for our cycle and staring in disbelief at the list of medications we would need to pay for OOP, a wonderful woman that I know only through an online community offered us a large amount of Follistim that she has had saved in her fridge since her successful cycle. Her insurance covered all of it and, per her email to me, she has just been waiting for the right person to pass her good fortune (pun intended) along to. M and I were blown away by her offer, but after quite a bit of logistics research that I won’t get into, we ended up turning it down. Still, her gesture lingers in my mind as a true and uncommon act of generosity.

• The day before our egg retrieval, our dear friend over at In Loco Parentis posted this. The first time I saw it, I read it three times in a row. I have since returned and reread it when my spirit needed a lift. I believe that shared history must be one of the greatest treasures there is. On top of that, to have this friend who knows me inside and out - that I have leaned on through many of the most difficult times in my life over the last 10 years – to have her going through ttc herself (and therefore “getting it”) has been a lifesaver.

• During the dreaded 2ww, a mystery package arrived on our front doorstep. I brought it inside, opened it up, and found… cupcakes! 12 of them, to be precise, accompanied by generous vats of my two favorite icing flavors (one being quite random and hard to find) so that I could over-dress them to my heart’s content. There was no gift card or packing slip to let me know who had ordered them. The mystery actually made them seem all the more magical – as if they had arrived out of thin air. Eventually, my curiosity got the better of me and I emailed the company. Turns out they were a gift from no other than the inimitable J&J, a couple we met while planning our wedding that have since become treasured, life-long friends. I think M ate 2...

• When we got our BFP, In Loco Parentis and one of the J’s were among the first we told. Being out of town as they both are, the announcements were made over email. Their responses were heartfelt and enthusiastic and made me feel at once that perhaps this was actually happening. I’ve printed copies of them both for our baby scrapbook to come. I also talked to one close friend in person, a BFF that I’m also lucky enough to work with, and she literally leapt from her cubicle into mine to give me a hug. Last night, we went to a movie with her and her fiancée and they gave us the sweetest card exclaiming, again, how much they love us and how excited they are for us. Again, one for the archives.

• Also at the time of our BFP, several fellow bloggers (that I know of) took time and space in their own blogs to announce and celebrate our news. In Loco Parentis, notes from 2 moms, mrs. bluemont and puffer and the baby fish... thank you. Seeing our name in lights on your pages made our days. Dozens more of you ventured over to offer congratulations and it meant so much to read each and every note. I am completely awed by this community and so grateful for each and every one of you.

• When I announced our BFP on the bulletin board I frequent the most often, the outpouring of support was beyond anything I could have imagined. Women that I haven’t seen post in months came out to offer their congratulations. People I’ve never met in person said the kindest, most thoughtful, insightful things about our journey and how glad they were to see us succeed at last. These women have been a witness to the whole thing, and it was indescribable to share our success with them after so long.

• A few days after we told KD that we’d finally been successful, he posted an entry in his own blog that brought me to tears. Here is a brief excerpt:
  “It was interesting that, the first thing [KD’s wife] asked me after I heard the news was, "how do you feel?", asking it with a tone of some concern. And I just grinned a silly grin cause I was glad. What I didn't tell her, and one of the reasons I've sort of been delaying writing about this was that I was half expecting me to feel something else when at last we reached this moment. What, I don't know. As if something would surface that had not done so in the two and one half years between K&M asking me if I would, and now. But you see all is crystal clear and simple to me. M and K. Starting their family. Happy. And on their way to great things. All is as it should be.”
  Without a doubt, we are the luckiest KD beneficiaries in the world, right?

I was going to save this post to be a post-beta celebration or a nostalgic “it was great while it lasted” memoir, but screw it. I’m posting it now. No matter what happens tomorrow and in the coming months, I will always be grateful for these things, and thinking back on them will remind me that it is always worth it to go above and beyond for someone you care about. Small acts of kindness go a long, long way.

Thank you to those of you who have gone above and beyond for us.

Side note: I definitely spoke too soon on the absence of pre-beta anxiety. I’m officially nervous. I’m very nervous when my cramps seem too strong, but I’m equally nervous when they disappear altogether. I'm nervous about the fact that when I POAS'd yesterday, while the second line came up right away, it wasn't any darker than the last test I took a few days earlier. (C'mon, can't a girl get a little reassurance around here?!) I still have the symptoms I mentioned before, at least intermittently, but if any of them disappear for any noticeable amount of time I start to worry the whole thing is slipping through my fingers. Mostly, I just worry that this is - in fact - too good to be true. I know the beta is only a first step and once it is over, I’ll just start worrying about the next one, but I’m still looking forward to tomorrow. Hopefully we’ll have a nice, strong number so we’ll know that, for now at least, things are on the right track.

the best laid plans

The whole telling my parents thing didn’t go as smoothly as planned. Got a few minutes? I’ll tell you the whole loooong story.

We decided to tell my parents and M’s brother (KD) by sending them flowers congratulating them on their new family roles. Normally, we would never “announce” a pregnancy this early, but these people have followed our IVF to the day, so it’s not like we can just shut up all of the sudden, you know? So anyway, flowers to Uncle KD – success. Flowers to my parents – another story.

My parents own a B&B in a small town so my mom is a frequent flyer at the local flower shop. She’s in there a few times a week and considers the owner to be a friend. I knew the owner would be thrilled to fill this flower order and she was. She was so sweet on the phone – so excited for us and for my parents and she wanted to hand deliver the flowers herself so she could see the look on my mom’s face. She said she knows all my mom’s favorite flowers and she’d put together something perfect for her. I asked her to wait until a certain time so that I’d be off work when they were delivered and able to field the resulting phone call. From the agreed upon time on, I sat and stared anxiously at my cell phone.

Five hours later… M is home from school, we’ve talked to Uncle KD who received his flowers just as expected, called M’s parents and shared our news with them, and my parents still seem to have not received their special delivery! I started to worry that they were away for the night or something, so I called my mom’s cell phone to try to figure out what was up. She answered and informed me that they’d gone into the nearest city (45 minutes away) to do some shopping and they’d been there all afternoon and evening. They were heading back home soon, but given the time change between us, it would likely be after 11pm by the time they got home. I couldn’t stay up until 11pm these days if I tried! I didn’t want the fact that I called to seem fishy, so I stayed on the phone with my mom for an hour while she shopped, making small talk and smacking myself for coming up with such a complicated plan.

When I got off, M encouraged me to go to sleep and just keep the phone by my head so I would wake up when they called. I woke up at 1:45am with my bedside light on and the cell phone beside me – no missed calls. I turned off the light and tried to go to sleep, but all of these worst case scenarios kept running through my head – them in a ditch, never knowing about the grandchild(ren) to come and so on and so forth. I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep, so I got up to check my email, thinking that as long as I knew they were home safe, I could get to sleep and talk to them in the morning. Thankfully there were two emails from my mom. She hadn’t wanted to call because it was so late – silly! I went back to bed but realized quickly I wasn’t any closer to sleep, so I just got up and called them. And that is how I ended up on the phone with my parents, from 2:00 to 2:45am, talking to them about our expanding family. It was past 3:30am when I finally made it back to sleep. It made for a long, but happy day.

We're back...

...and timidly trying to reintegrate into our normal lives, which seem to be moving at about 10 times the speed of the vacation life we just wrapped up! Disney was awesome, and I'm so, so, so glad that we carved out some time and money to get away together - hard to do during this process.

Not one to waste a moment, I had my trial embryo transfer this morning. All went brilliantly but the RE said she'll still request ultrasound for the actual transfer, just to let both of us see exactly what's going on and put our minds at ease. Sounds good to me.

On Monday, I'm picking KD's vials up where they are currently stored and transporting them to the IVF lab. CD3 bloodwork will be sometime during the week of March 24th, and we're booked for our (5 hour and $100/couple) IVF orientation on April 3rd. Around that same time, we'll pay our bill and get our official calendar. It looks like Lupron will begin roughly one month from right now. So that's our plan**, best we can predict it.

**Subject to reworking, revising, and complete and total overhaul at the whim of our RE, our clinic and my finicky-at-times-especially-lately cycle. :-)

letting 'er drift

I'm back from my weekend away. The best part was the hour I spent sitting at the beach listening to the waves and the seagulls. I miss those sounds so much, and I felt more relaxed and connected to myself for that single hour than I have in months, I think. I tried to memorize every miniscule detail so I could recall them at home, but they are already starting to fade. M and I have decided to go back in a couple of months, and you can be sure I'm going to carve more beach time into that trip than I did into this one.

AF showed up yesterday morning, just in time for my day o' travel to come home. She was a full day late, and since I'd left my thermometer and pregnancy tests at home, I had no negative input to keep my hopes in check. M and I were both positive that I was going to come home AF-free, take a test, and sit back and listen to our own personal Hallelujah Chorus as our second line came into focus. No such luck. True to form, Clomid is making this another period from hell, so that's just a little icing on my cake.

I celebrated AF's arrival by packing up my monitor, OPKs, and thermometer. We won't need those where we're going. (Cue cheesy 80's sci-fi music.) Besides, we're on a break right now - something we haven't been on since July of '07 if you count our HSG cycle and January of '07 if you don't.

I scheduled our IVF consult for March 3rd - one week from today. We're headed to Disney World later that week, and I'm glad we were able to get in for the consult before then. I don't handle unknowns too well, so I think I'll be able to relax more on vacation if I feel like we have a plan in place. M is going to be able to come to the consult, which is awesome. With her crazy schedule, it's not often that she can make it to my appointments.

I'm not really processing the move to IVF just yet. I know the odds are higher, but so are the costs, and I think my fear of it not working is kind of preventing me from thinking about it at all right now. I think I would feel really differently about it if our insurance covered it. It would just feel like the next step. Without that financial safety net, it just feels like a really enormous gamble, and I'm a penny slot kind of girl.

Everything worked out fine with the KD hiccup. My blood test came back as it needed to in order to move forward with no issues, so that's something to be grateful for.

Our count of people in our real lives who have conceived, carried, and delivered babies all in the time we've been ttc went up by one last week. That brings our baby count up to 2 with 4 more moms set to deliver within the next three weeks. That is kind of mind-blowing to me. It's like, look at how much they've accomplished and we're still sitting here twiddling our thumbs. There are more to come. With one friend newly pregnant and several others starting their own ttc journeys, I know there will be more pregnancies to celebrate from the sidelines. I hope that we're at least pregnant by the time some of them deliver, but experience has taught me that even that is asking a lot. So, I'm just trying to prepare myself for those announcements, all the while reminding myself of my belief that our baby is worth waiting for.

Another Op'nin', Another Vein

There was a teeny tiny hiccup in KD's testing - nothing major, but I don't want to say anything more about it until I've had a chance to talk to him. He is in HAWAII for the next week (Lucky!) so it'll be a little while before we can get him up to speed.

The important part of this hiccup, as it relates to the scheduling of my comings and goings, is that I had to go in for a blood test this morning. That would be blood test number 3,758, give or take.

I'm really not complaining. I think I had the best phlebotomist I've ever had in my life (and that's saying something 'cause I've had the opportunity to sample quite a few in the past couple years) and the distance between the time I walked into the clinic to the time I walked out was about 8 whole minutes. They're nothing if not efficient.

I started cramping yesterday. I know this can be a symptom of early pregnancy, but my money is on it being AF scratching at the door. I mean hey, she and I have a good thing going - why mix it up now?

weekend update

I had an awesome weekend - best one I've had in recent memory.

KD and I spent all day Friday running around to various doctor's appointments and we were successful on all ventures. That afternoon, I had an IUI using a fresh sample followed by ovulation cramps that evening, suggesting that our timing was spot on. We'd also had a business meeting the night before, so we were doubly covered. Saturday was absolutely gorgeous so we took the dog on a hike and enjoyed the reprieve from the freezing cold weather we've been having. Saturday night we went to dinner at a restaurant I've been trying to get back to for a few months now and - once we found it - it was every bit as good as I remembered it. On Sunday morning, I slept in while M took KD to the airport (at 4am!!) and then enjoyed a leisurely morning of basking in the glow of the weekend.

KD is one of my favorite people in the world, without a doubt, and it was fun to get to spend a weekend with him. To have had excellent TTC luck and timing on top of that was icing on the cake. And just when we thought things couldn't get better... M and I booked a vacation to Orlando! We leave in less than a month. I was on cloud 9 yesterday morning just thinking about it. Talk about a win-win: If I'm not pregnant, we'll do Disney in style. If I am, then I guess I'll just sit by the pool and be ridiculously happy. Yesterday I told M that I sort of hope I don't get pregnant this cycle, and I am thrilled to be in that position for the first time in a year and a half. (Just to clarify, I don't actually hope that I'm not pregnant, of course. After a year and a half, I'd take being pregnant over just about anything. But to have something so appealing waiting on the other side of a BFN for me is an unfamiliar and welcome change.) I also asked her if we could go to Disney World after every BFN from this point out. She said sure, but I think our finances will disagree.

So, if I'm not pregnant, we move on to IVF, but at least I get to go to Disney World before the needles begin. It's a decent consolation prize. Also, I think having something else to focus on and look forward to for the next few weeks will be good for my spirit. On a side note, while discussing the possibility of taking a vacation, M and I discovered that in the nearly 7 years we have been together, we have never gone on a vacation together where we weren't visiting friends or family, attending a conference or event, or working. We have never once looked at a map, said "ok... there!" and gone - just the two of us. Never once. That is the price we pay for living so far away from everyone we know - all of our vacation time and dollars are spent visiting people, which is fun, but different. I am so excited.

One more note on the TTC side of my weekend, from a post I made on a message board the other day... I swear sperm has hope-inducing chemical properties. It doesn't seem to matter how pessimistic I am going into an insemination. As soon as it gets in there, I become giddy with the excitement of possibility. Our timing could be all wrong or we could have failed 13 times already (but who's counting), and yet there is this irrational part of me that leaves each insemination believing, against all odds, that "this time" will work. It's gotta be the sperm. ;-)

On the flip side, an IRL friend got a BFP this weekend. While I am really and truly over-the-moon-happy for her, I am deeply sad for myself as well. For her part, she could not have told me in a more compassionate way. She told me early and via email so that I had time to craft an appropriate response to her wonderful news - you know, the one I would want to give rather than the hormone-induced, gut response that I don't think any infertile woman can avoid. If anyone finds a way around that selfish/jealous/aching feeling, please let me know. Best I can tell, it is an inseparable part of this nonsense. Here's a link to a blog that talks about it with more wit and insight than I ever could: http://www.redbookmag.com/your/infertility/danger-flying-crockery

I think I'm most sad about losing the one "real-life" friend I had who was on a similar journey. That seems horrible to say because I wouldn't wish this path on my worst enemy, let alone one of my dearest friends, but seeing as we were both going through it anyway, it was nice to have her companionship for a short while. Hopefully I'll be able to get out of this madness soon as well so we will once again be in the same boat, but a happier one this time.

Well, that day shaved a good year off my life.

Oh dear, I'm exaggerating again. Let's go with... 8.5 months? Yeah, that sounds good.

I've been trying to get in touch with the lab director at the RE's office for a few days. KD is coming to town tomorrow and we need to get all our ducks in a row regarding his infectous disease screening so that his stored vials can clear quarantine. I finally caught her by phone today and - long story short - they won't even schedule his tests until they receive copies of a bazillion test results. Fine. I called the cryobank where they completed most of his tests. They can't fax anything to me or the doctor without a release. Duh. I work in healthcare. I know this. Clearly I'm not firing on all cylinders right now. I called KD and got a fax number so the cryobank can send him a release so he can sign and send it back so they can send a report to the lab saying he isn't sick and never was. *sigh*

In the meantime, I started trying to track down the other half of his lab reports: The STD screening he did with his own physician before we even got started. The only thing I could think of was for KD to get these from his doctor before he comes, but he's leaving for the airport at 3am tomorrow (yes, 3am) and today was his last day at work before taking two days off. It was pretty unlikely that he'd have time to run over to his doctor's office this afternoon to dig up old medical records. Still, I asked him to do exactly that because I - apparently - know no limits in my ruthless quest for parenthood. In the meantime, I started thinking about the letters we got from his physician waaay back when and it occured to me that I never heard for sure that his doctor did a chlamydia or gonorrhea screen. HIV, yes. Hepatitis, yes. Syphilis, yes. And then there were a bunch of other random tests that might have included G & C... or maybe not. So, I called KD again and asked him to start by calling his physician and asking if they even did those tests because if they didn't, this whole thing is moot. My RE's nurse had already informed me that if I couldn't produce the full list of pre-quarantine tests, we'd have to start over from scratch, including new samples and a new 6 month waiting period. (Cue anxiety attack... here.)

The next hour or so was spent waiting to hear back from people and attempting to actually work at work (you know, between the mad dashes to the conference room while whispering 'just a moment' to the person who just called my cell phone to talk to me about sperm and STDs). Finally, the nurse from the RE's office called again and said she'd reviewed my chart, was all caught up on our situation now, and was able to be a bit more flexible. She said she hadn't realized initially that KD was M's brother and we were trying to preserve a biological connection to M. I also, by this time, had a definite list of the tests that had been run by the cryobank and was able to assure her that the results should be coming to her over the fax machine in hours, or perhaps minutes. She said as long as they received those, we'd be good to go, and she let me make an appointment for the repeat screening. I asked her about the STDs and mentioned that we were having trouble getting those records before Friday and she said - imagine this! - there is something called a legal release that I can sign saying I accept responsibility for any STDs I may contract from his samples. If I am willing to sign that, they do not need copies of any pre-quarantine STD tests. What a concept! I have been asking for that damn form for over a year and all of a sudden, it appears out of thin air.

Not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, I thanked her profusely, confirmed one more time that there is nothing else they need, and got the heck off the phone. I think this actually may work. Unbelievable.

I'm completely and totally exhausted. I'm also completely and totally relieved with how things worked out. It was looking a little iffy there for a while.

I pick KD up at the airport tomorrow afternoon. Let the games begin. Again.

starting 2008 off right

Lots of good news on the TTC front yesterday. I talked to our NP and she will do an IUI this cycle using one of KD's vials. This is way cheaper for us b/c we've already paid for KD's vials and the NP charges significantly less for an IUI. Also, we get to use KD which we weren't going to be able to do with the RE, AND we don't have to miss this cycle meaning:

1) No wasted Clomid side effects,

2) No involuntary break, and

3) No delay in meeting the 2 more Clomid + IUI cycles our RE is requiring before moving on.

It also looks like KD may be able to come out in a month so we can do an IUI with fresh swimmers (yay!) and he can have the infectious disease repeat screening that he needs for the RE to start using his vials after February 1st.

And here's something we're trying on for size...

We have tentatively decided to move forward with IVF in March/April. I'm still going to try to have at least one more consultation between now and then to allow every opportunity to be swayed, but we have spent the last three days making pro/con lists, staring at calendars, and running scenarios. In the end, this is the route that makes the most sense for us in conjunction with the rest of our goals for the next year. It's not a final decision by any means, but it's what we're going with for now.

Happy 2008 to all my friends in cyberland!

I'm way overdue for an update

M's family was with us for the holidays and just left this morning. I, in the meantime, have largely neglected all of my online duties. So sorry.

I'm not pregnant. I'm sure that's no big shock. If I'd had good news, you better believe I'd have found a few minutes to shout it from the cyber-rafters. I'm halfway through this month's round of Clomid. No symptoms so far to speak of, but last time, they didn't hit me until the 2ww, so the fun is probably yet to come.

I had an ultrasound on Thursday morning. It was perfect. Of course. Perfectly healthy with absolutely nothing to fix. Damn it. I asked the doctor about the laparoscopy and she said (again) that she wanted to do two more Clomid cycles and then she would encourage IVF, but would consider a laparoscopy at the time if that's what I preferred. She also said that she would recommend IVF over laparoscopy because the IVF would likely be the treatment for anything the laparoscopy might find, so basically, if we're "to that point," why not just skip to the finish line. I'm not so sure. If they find Endometriosis in the lap, they can clear it out and it's possible I could get pregnant on my own after that. I'd really like to avoid IVF if possible (duh), and it's not just because of the $15,000 price tag that my insurance won't touch. At least I have two more cycles to think all that through and seek out a second opinion. I hate every single tiny part of this TTC garbage.

Interesting phone calls yesterday: So, the new RE won't use KD without the quarantine restrictions, right? That means that until mid-February (depending on how quickly we can get KD in for an infectious disease screen once the 6 months elapses), we need to stick with KFed. The RE was less than thrilled by our choice of banks and explained it would require some more administration on their part because they'd never worked with our bank before, but agreed to do it. My task was to call the bank and have their CLIA certificate and FDA registration faxed to the RE's lab for pre-approval. I called yesterday. I reminded the sperm bank lady what donor we were using and she notified me that we "might" have an availability problem for next week's IUI. They have some vials of his in storage, but aren't planning to screen him again until the end of January so the vials have to be held until then. She asked for our second choice. I told her I couldn't remember so we'd have to check the profiles again and get back to her. Blech. I hate daddy shopping. HATE. Then I asked her to fax the info to my RE. Turns out, they don't even HAVE a Clia certificate!! Here I am thinking this is the most straightforward part of the whole call and they don't have the damn certificate so the RE won't use them. The best part of this is that it is the afternoon of Friday, December 28th. The next day I'm likely to find people in their offices is Wednesday, January 2nd, and I may need to inseminate as early as the 4th. There is NO WAY IN HELL that we can set up an account with a new bank, choose a new donor, and have the vials shipped to arrive by the 4th. Not gonna happen. And please recall that I'm 3 pills into my Clomid, a drug I do not want to take for a month longer than I have to.

There are three choices as I see them: The first is that I fly out to KD's next weekend and we go back to doing things "the old-fashioned way." Not that way, the other old-fashioned way. You know, a business meeting? This is less than ideal seeing as I just put KD on a plane this morning and I already have a big trip planned for later this month. A second, less-preferable option is that I can just pick up a vial myself from the bank and do an ICI at home. One drawback to both of those routes is that ICI is less effective than IUI so it's a partial waste of the Clomid cycle, but at least we won't lose the cycle altogether. The third and best option (cue heavenly music here) would be for my NP to do the insemination. She'll do an IUI, she's cheaper, and she'll use KD's swimmers. I need to call the RE and ask her about this option and I hope she'll give it the thumbs up, but I'll do it anyway even if she doesn't. The worst she can do is refuse to count this cycle toward the two more I need before we go to the next step (since she didn't end up having control over all variables), but at least I won't miss the cycle. I also have to ask the NP if she's willing to do it, but I feel like she will be. After nearly a year of monthly meetings, I think she wants this for us just about as badly as we do.

Sooo, that's all the news that's fit to print. I'll do a better job of updating - should be easier now that the holiday chaos is going back into hibernation.

outmatched

I'm feeling outmatched by my life right now.

This post has been brewing for a few days, and when it started, it was going to simply be an "I really, really hope I get pregnant this cycle" post. Since then it has been trying to evolve into a raging vent with lots of swear words. I'm hoping to meet myself somewhere in the middle here.

Here's the "I really, really hope I'm pregnant" part:
I am so very tired of this rollercoaster. I have been living my life in two week increments for 15 months now, and each month, I spend at least one day soaring on the highest highs and another weathering the lowest lows. It's downright draining. If this cycle works, my due date will be August 30th. This would suck from a weather standpoint, but that's why God invented air conditioning, right? From every other angle, it would be perfect. M would be totally done with school so she wouldn't have to tear herself away from a newborn to deal with class stuff. It would be early enough to not interfere with our goal to move in the fall but late enough that I probably wouldn't have to go back to work after my maternity leave. It really is just kind of perfect. Also, we were able to use KD as the donor, something we might not be able to do again for a few months.

Since then, I've become totally overwhelmed with all this TTC nonsense, and I am sooooo ready to be done, and not in the fun, optimistic "Gee, I really hope this is my month!" way. I had the consult with the RE last Wednesday and it was completely depressing. I don't even know where to start in explaining why.

1. She is not willing to use KD's stored vials without them passing quarantine. I knew this would be the case, but it still felt like a punch to the gut for some reason. The reality is that KD is who we want to use, and despite all the rationalizing I did to come to terms with using an anonymous donor, KD is still my first choice. At the time, I could justify the switch by needing to rule out incompatibility issues between KD and I. But now, with two failed inseminations using KFed (half the medical "best practice" for ruling out donor issues, but still), I feel comfortable enough to want to proceed with KD as the donor, whatever that takes. I think I talked her into compromising on the quarantine issue enough to count the time the samples have already been in storage toward our 6 months (giving them a release date of 2/1/08), but I won't count that chicken until it's hatched, grown, and laying eggs of it's own. Not after the experience we had with the evil cryobank.

2. I went in with a mental list a mile long of options I expected to be presented with: injectibles, trigger shots, mid-cycle ultrasound monitoring, laparoscopy... She suggested none of these. What she suggested was repeating an ultrasound I had several months ago, 2-3 more cycles with Clomid (but at 100mg. rather than 50mg.), then IVF. That's all folks. I have wrestled with this nonstop since my appointment. I feel like we've paid our dues and I'm ready to fast track this pregnancy. For perspective, you have to remember that we're figuring we only have 3-4 more months to try before we have to take a year off to relocate. So, if IVF is what it will take, then IVF it is, and bring it on sooner than later, please. I just can't believe I'm really at that point. The only explanation I've come up with for why she didn't suggest any of those other options - right or wrong - is that they are all designed to address specific fertility issues, none of which I have based on the battery of tests I've completed. So I guess she's just not wanting to waste time on fixes for things that ain't broke. I'm just disappointed that she didn't think any of those things were worth trying. I really wanted her to believe that those options were viable for me, not in a patronizing or indulgent way, but in a genuine, I-believe-you-CAN-get-pregnant way. It's heartbreaking to hear that the professional opinion is that my only hope is a couple tries with one drug, then IVF. I'm thinking about getting a second opinion. The only problem is time. The waiting period for new patients is 2+ months in most practices - that's what it took me to get in with her. Also, she wants to hit the ground running with the ultrasound and 100mg. Clomid pretty much the second my period arrives, which is less than two weeks away. That doesn't give me a lot of time to make a decision about possibly switching doctors. The more I think and talk this out, the more I realize I need to at least have a consult with someone else, just for my own peace of mind, so I'll work on that. And I guess I'll probably just be stuck with her in the interim, which isn't a big deal. It's only money, and my sanity of course. The one other thing I'm thinking of doing is going back to her and (a) flat-out requesting a laparoscopy - no reason she shouldn't want to do that if I'm willing to pay her for it, and (b) informing her that if all she's planning to do is Clomid and IUIs, no ultrasound monitoring or mid-cycle bloodwork, I'd like to do that with my NP who charges half as much as she does, and return to her having saved up our $$ for IVF when the time comes to cross that bridge. Of course, I have to check with the NP and make sure she will prescribe the 100 mg. of Clomid, but I don't think that will be a problem. You're starting to see the issue though, right? Too many variables. Too many possible configurations. And the clock continues to tick...

I go through periods of feeling more and less sad about my own inability to get pregnant, more and less jealous of others who become pregnant so easily, and more and less desperate about my prospects of ever having a successful pregnancy. Lately, I've just been feeling "more" on all counts. Some days, I'm able to see my infertility as a gift, believe it or not. It's taught me so much about myself and M and our relationship, and helped me to empathize with a community of women who have endured this same challenge that simply can't be understood without having experienced it. But for the last week or so, I've just felt really sad about it all and wanted to go back to the blissful ignorance in which I conceived of myself as a healthy, normal person.

My non-TTC life has been a complete disaster lately, and that's not helping me have the emotional stamina I need to deal with all of this. M and I are both so ridiculously busy, we're lucky if we see each other for 10 waking minutes each day. We are beyond broke. I overdrew our checking account this week - something I haven't done in a looooong time and I'm at a loss to describe how much this stresses and frustrates me. I am drowning at work from having so much time off this month and last month. I feel like I'm on some kind of revolving object (merry-go-round? sit-n-spin?) and it keeps going faster and faster and faster as the world around me dissolves further and further into one big blur. Even acupuncture isn't cutting through the fog right now, and that's been my silver bullet for the last few months.

I have a decent break coming up for Christmas with M's family, and the guest list and agenda (or lack thereof, more accurately) pretty much guarantee that it will be a week o' awesomeness. Still, there's a part of me that is anxious about it because it's more time away from work, and being behind there is a big chunk of what is making me feel out of control right now. Once I get back on top of things at work - and it's totally realistic to do this before my last day in the office on 12/21 - I'm sure I'll be as overjoyed about having the week off as I am about the company I get to spend it with.

Really, what I need to do is sit still and think and talk about all of this. There is an answer and it's already in me somewhere. I just need to find it. I called M this afternoon and scheduled a "team meeting" for this weekend, so hopefuly we'll be able to work some things out. I have a feeling it will involve a significant amount of surrender.

A heavy-hearted update

Well, we've made a detour on the TTC journey. We're switching to an anonymous donor.

It was a difficult decision that M and I have been wrestling with for the past month - ever since the daunting acting challenge we all went through last cycle. When things were looking grim, we started frantically scrambling for any option that would help us save the cycle, and we ended up with a stack of anonymous sperm donor profiles in our laps. At the time, I could hardly look at them without getting queasy. I have been so thoroughly in love with the way we've been trying to build our family and I was heartsick at the idea of having to go in a different direction. Fortunately we didn't have to cross that bridge at the time because I was nowhere near ready.

Fast forward through one month and one more failed attempt. M and I took a hard look at our goals for the next couple of years and realized that we only have 3 (maybe 4) more months to try to get pregnant before we need to stop for a while. The situation is that we are planning to move sometime between August and December of next year. This means any babies would need to arrive between early June (my due date if I got pregnant this cycle) and August, or maybe September if we were willing to stay an extra month or two. Moving with a 3-4 month old will be hard enough - I can't even imagine going sooner than that. I can't in good conscience start a new job while pregnant, and it's likely my benefits wouldn't kick in in time anyway. Same goes for becoming pregnant a month or two into a new job - tacky! Moving while pregnant could all work out if M got a job with DP benefits and I found some well-paying temp work until the baby was born, but that's a couple too many best case scenarios to bank on. Plus, it would be a pain to have to transfer to a new OB midway through a pregnancy. I know people do it, but it would be nice to avoid if possible, you know? SO, baby has to come before September or not for at least a year after we move. That means there is a year long TTC hiatus looming on our horizon. That threat was all we needed to kick our butts into high gear. A year? I can hardly cope with a month off. A YEAR?!

So we're pulling out all the stops. One pearl of the collective TTC wisdom is that if you try a few times with no luck and all the medical tests say everything's good, change donors. I've seen several women try for months and months, then switch donors and get pregnant on their first or second cycle. Apparently some sperm and eggs just don't play well together. Changing donors is the first step we're taking. If that doesn't work, we'll look into adding acupuncture, herbs, meds, more IUIs per cycle, and heaven knows what else. For the next 3-4 months, we're trying anything and everything. I even consented to let a woman on one of my online boards do "quantum touch" long distance from Texas. We're ready for anything. It still seems a little crazy to me that this change wasn't anywhere on our radar 6 weeks ago, and now we're charging full-speed in a whole new direction, but as I've heard about so many other parts of the TTC craziness - it's good practice for parenthood. Rolling with the punches is definitely one of those necessary skills.

If it works with the new donor, it will truly be bittersweet. There's definitely a part of me that is hoping it doesn't so that we go back to using KD and do whatever it takes, even if that is IVF. However, there's a bigger part of me that just wants this to work, by whatever means necessary, which is not to say I won't still be a little sad if this is how it has to go in order to work. That second part of me is the part of me that wants M and I to have some disposable income again (you know, at least until the baby is born and a whole new world of money bleeding starts!) and be able to talk about something other than OPKs and planning travel around insemination windows. I just want to move on to the next stage of ultrasounds and baby kicks and nursery painting. And then of course there is the baby - the pot of gold at the end of this crazy ride. I feel like we have earned our right of passage.

As M pointed out re: the switch to an anonymous donor, this is our new "triplet boys on Christmas day" challenge. (I've already explained what that means, right? Hmmm, gotta go back and check on that.) If we really want the baby, this is what we have to do. But, we're both still very sad about the change of plans and the turn away from the special bond we've been weaving with KD and his wife. We know the bond has been created no matter where we go from here, but there is still a loss and it is disappointing. Hopefully it will be worth it in the long run.

Update for the soap fans - Part 2

This is my longest blog post ever... possibly THE longest blog post ever. Proceed at your own risk - there is no lifeguard on duty. ;-)

The situation is not yet resolved, to my knowledge, but I think it's as close as it's going to be for the next day or two. People's uniform response to the story has been that someone will need to write a book about all of this someday, so here's the rest of the details, before they are mercifully erased from my memory.

On Thursday afternoon, I came out of a meeting to find a voicemail on my phone at work. It was the office manager at my NP's office, a man notorious for spreading agony and ill will everywhere he goes. (I think I've mentioned this before, but my NP and I work in the same small field, meaning I interact with their office staff on a professional level frequently. As you might imagine, this does make my personal endeavors there a bit awkward at times, but she's the only NP in the city who will do what we need which is, ironically, ignoring the federal booby trap we've just fallen into for "directed donation." This office manager - E - is by far the most hated man in our system. He has made my colleagues cry. Seriously.) So, E left me a message saying I needed to call him back ASAP, which I did. E explained that the cryobank had called him needing some information from my file and he wanted to get it from me to avoid having to pull my chart. However, when I didn't call back within 20-30 minutes, he got my chart out so he was good to go for calling them back. I asked if he knew what they were wondering and he said the message they left was unclear, but he'd call me back if he needed more information or if there were any problems. As soon as I hung up, I started to worry just a bit - ours is a carefully constructed story. I decided I was just being paranoid though, and it's not like I could give much information over the phone anyway. I was on my work phone and I work in a cubicle. Surely he knows the legal atmosphere in which his clinic functions. I called M and we talked ourselves into believing it was probably nothing. We were wrong.

E called back within a half an hour and stated he was really confused now and wanted me to speak to the lab director myself. He mumbled something about our vials not being shipped, a six-month quarantine, and a physical exam for KD, but then said he had no idea what they were talking about. I explained that those things he was mentioning were what they required for cryobank clients who are not intimate partners, which is why the NP instructed us to tell them otherwise, but it sounded as though they had found out the truth. I asked E if he was given any indication of how this could have happened, since I clearly needed to call and lie through my teeth if we had any chance of going ahead this cycle, and after a long pause he said, "Well, me. I told them. I didn't realize that was a secret." He went on to say a bunch of other things about thinking M was KD's wife, then realizing she was my partner and how confusing my chart was with all these names and something about my "special arrangement" with the NP and blah, blah, blah... I couldn't hear much. My mind was racing with if and how this could possibly be cleaned up. As he realized the magnitude of his disclosure, he started apologizing, but he didn't offer to do anything to fix his little disaster. I took the woman's phone number, hung up the phone, grabbed my ttc buddy at work (who is more than familiar with E) and headed for the conference room to freak out. In talking to her, we came up with the following strategy: I call the cryobank the next day to place my shipping order and play dumb. When they tell me that my vials are in quarantine, I come unglued (as your average heterosexual woman would when faced with this situation) and demand to know how this can be fixed because SURELY it can be fixed. I figured the NP would probably need to become involved, but it was too late at that point to call her office back to find out when she would be back from vacation. I just started crossing my fingers that it wasn't any later than Monday.

I had sent an email to KD to give him a heads up and he called a little while later. He said that nothing had been out of the ordinary on his last visit and he was as surprised as I was to hear they'd started digging around in our file. I gave him a run down of "the plan" and agreed to keep him posted.

M and I strategized that night and came up with responses for everything they might be able to throw at me. The one thing we didn't have a ready response for was the existence of KD's wife. What if they had found out about her? What if they have some crazy search program that pulls up marital status and spouse information? If such things exist, it isn't unthinkable that they might have access to it, given the federally regulated field they operate in. Eventually, M pointed out the key: They don't require that I be married to KD, or that he not be married to someone else, only KD and I are "sexually intimate partners." The fact that he's married to someone else doesn't mean we can't be in a relationship or trying to become pregnant. *Sigh* So true. Isn't it amazing that people trying to have children within their extramarital affairs manage to escape moral judgment, but not single women who are attempting to get pregnant with the help of another fully informed and consenting adult? Which atmosphere is likely to be more nurturing to the resulting child? Whatever. The double standard could work in our favor here, so I'm not about to challenge it.

The next morning, I called the NP's office first to find out when she would be returning - Monday. Hallelujah. Then I called the cryobank. I initially tried to do it while driving, thinking that having to focus on something else would help disguise my anxiety, but I was shaking too badly from nerves so I pulled over. I got B (our regular lab contact) and tried to place my shipping order. "Ohhhh," he said slowly when I identified myself. "Um, you're going to need to talk to B2."

"OK," I answered cheerfully.

B2 came on the line. She calmly and politely explained that it had come to their attention that KD is not my partner, which makes him a "donor." Not a donor in the cryobank sense where you call up and give them a number - she was quick to add - because clearly I know KD, but a donor in the legal sense nonetheless. And so, this means that their lab has to... blah, blah, blah.

I knew I needed to interrupt her quickly, if I was to have any credibility, and demand to know how she had come to this ludicrous conclusion, but (1) she was talking really fast - I think she might have been as nervous as I was, and (2) I still didn't know how she had come up with this information and I needed to know what I was up against. It was a balancing act between wanting to show my own righteous indignation and needing to give her a chance to show her cards. I let her talk a little bit longer, then dove in head first.

"I'm sorry to interrupt you," I said, cutting her off. "I'm just confused as to what might have given you the idea that KD and I are not intimate partners." This silenced her for a split second. She wasn't expecting that. She explained that something in our file had tipped them off, and when they called my doctor's office for clarification, their suspicions were confirmed by someone named E.

I won't bore you with all of the details here but in the end, they knew about both KD's wife and M, and I had a lot of explaining to do. After I denied being in a same-sex relationship, she said, "so you don't know an M?"

"Know her?" I shrieked. "Of course I know her, she is KD's sister, but I'm not in a relationship with her. That is absolutely absurd!" I think I even laughed a little, in a totally dumbfounded way. This was the moment that secured my Emmy, and my farthest departure from reality. I may have even bordered on homophobic. Perhaps it was too much, but I just reacted the way I thought the average heterosexual woman would react if falsely accused of being in an intimate relationship with the sister of her male partner. It worked. B2 was clearly embarassed, and I felt bad for that.

When asked about KD's wife, I declined to comment and said I'd have to have KD call because "his personal life may be complicated but it is certainly not my place to discuss it with you." She said that speaking to KD would definitely help.

She asked why we were living in different states and I said that people do it all the time. He is working there, I am working here, and our plan is to be living in the same place within the next year, but we would prefer not to have to wait until then to start a family.

As I type all of this, my comment above about denying my relationship with M being my biggest lie seems strange - the whole phone call was so far out on a limb, it seems silly to quantify degrees - but if you think about it, everything else had some element of truth to it. Are KD and I sexually active in the way she meant it? Of course not. But is there much difference between that and having nearly a year of inseminations under our belt? I think not. If the purpose of the law is to protect my health (which is the BS claim they make), I've already been exposed to whatever it is they're worried about. Seven times. Oops. It is also not a lie that my intention is to be living in the same place as KD a year from now - that's the current plan - or that this family that we are creating is "ours" if you look at the big picture. KD will just be the uncle rather than the dad. There were significant departures from reality to come in explaining KD's relationship with his wife, but those unfortunately fell to him. For my part, my feigning shock and - I hate to say it, but a little bit of disgust - at the "accusation" of being in a lesbian relationship was the hardest pill for me to swallow. I just have to keep reminding myself that I did it for M and I, and it's only a means to an end.

M and I have both been struggling with the "rule breaking" aspect of all of this. For better or for worse, we are the type of kids who like to stay out of trouble and do what were told to do. The decision to throw caution to the wind and GO for this was a scary one, but we felt it was worth a shot. I kept thinking of the King quote about breaking an unjust law openly and lovingly. I'm not putting this miniature act of resistance to discrimination anywhere near on par with the Civil Rights Movement, but it was the "some laws must be broken" nudge that M and I needed to feel comfortable with pushing forward. Up to that point, we had been able to get by using semantics and lies of omission, for the most part. This was going to call for a full scale deception, and would surely carry more serious consequences if it were to blow up in our face.

The other thing I have held in my mind that has helped me stomach all of this is the belief that B2 - who is actually a really nice woman - knows what's up and is cool with it. The idea of her as collateral damage is too unsettling to me. I like to think of her as someone who knows this law is a bunch of BS, but she's got a job to do and she needs to dot her Is and cross her Ts. She wants this all to work out for us, just not at her own expense, which means we still have to get all the documents to her and declare to the death that our relationship is what she needs it to be, but deep inside, she's glad we're sticking it to the man. Perhaps I'm kidding myself, but it makes me feel better about both her and I, so I'm going with it.

But I have digressed, and badly. In the end, B2 agreed to lift the quarantine if and only if I would have KD call to testify about the respective roles his wife and I play in his life, and our NP would write a letter declaring that we are indeed "sexually intimate partners." She said to be sure it used those words exactly. She initially said that it would need to be an original signature, so it would have to be mailed. I insisted this would be impossible for us because I am due to ovulate next week and I couldn't afford to miss this cycle because I had an HSG last month. (At this point, B2 said "awwww" in the most genuinely sympathetic way. Apparently she is familiar with the hell that is an HSG.) She put me on hold for a minute while she asked someone else about making an exception. When she came back to the phone she said they would ship upon receipt of a faxed copy, but I had to promise to have a hard copy mailed as well for my chart. I said I would make these things happen as quickly as possible and we ended our conversation.

After I hung up, I immediately called KD. I recapped a couple of key points from my conversation and asked KD to think about whether he would be willing to call and support the story I'd put out there. He sounded appropriately stunned by the whole thing and said he'd figure something out. A few minutes after getting off the phone, I realized what an idiot I was. Perhaps I should fill him in on some of the details I provided about our life together, huh? We talked again, briefly, to compare notes, and KD said his current plan was to call back and say that he and his wife are amicably separated and pursuing divorce, and she is aware of our relationship and our plans for me to become pregnant. (Is it even necessary for me to say something at this point about how amazingly lucky M and I are to have KD in our corner? Are there even words that would come close to expressing it?) KD agreed to make his phone call by the end of the day, and I left a message for the NP stating I had a logistical emergency and I needed her to call ASAP when she returns from vacation.

KD called later to let me know B2 had been receptive to his call and his side of the story, and now we were just waiting on the letter from the NP. This is where we sat all weekend. For most of the weekend, my mind was at ease, knowing the last piece of the puzzle had to come from the woman who taught me the lie in the first place. By Sunday night, I was a ball of nerves again. For some reason, I decided that the NP was going to say that putting that information in writing was where she would draw the line. She was with us to that point, but that was a threshhold she couldn't cross professionally.

On Monday morning, I called her pager for my standard day 10 check-in (I have to call her daily from day 10 of my cycle on to update her on my ovulation indicators) and left an extra message that I needed to speak with her ASAP about some documents the cryobank needed. She called back about five minutes later. I explained that E had told the cryobank that KD was not my intimate partner and had gone so far as to give them my partner's full name. After a pause, she said that she hadn't talked to E to hear his account of this yet, but she hoped he would not have done that. I recapped my conversation with E in which he admitted it, and she was clearly disappointed. She apologized and asked if she needed to call them. I said that they actually had requested a letter from her and I gave her the specific wording to use. I explained that she needed to fax a copy and put the original in the mail, and gave her all of the relevant contact information. She agreed to do it that morning.

At 12:45pm on Monday, I called the bank to confirm everything was resolved and place my order. I got B, again, who was clearly uncomfortable speaking with me, again. He said that the fax was received, but he could not speak with me further or take my order until B2 had a chance to approve it. I asked if I could give him the information for my order and he could just call me if there was a problem and he said no, but reassured me that B2 would be in within half an hour and he'd leave her a message to call me ASAP.

I called them again at 5:30pm, having stared at my silent cell phone for hours. This time I spoke to B2 who explained, nicely as ever, that they had received the NP's letter, but could not accept it because she is an NP and the letter needed to be from the supervising physician. B2 said she had spoken to the NP and she was working on arranging this, and they expected to receive the fax that afternoon or the next morning. As long as this occured, my shipment would arrive at the NP's office on Wednesday morning. She said that they would confirm a ship date with the NP once the fax is received. Why with the NP and not me? Who knows. I was so DONE talking to these people, I just let it go. The NP is nearly impossible to get messages to unless I use the pager (which I'm not supposed to except for my daily check in) and she doesn't call me for anything, so I know better than to expect to hear something from her to put my mind at ease. I could call the cryobank this afternoon to find out what happened, but frankly, I don't have it in me to call them again. I feel like every phone call to them is a roll of the dice and the whole thing might blow up in my face at the slightest misstep on my part. I've kind of accepted that everyone knows what needs to be done and no amount of hand-holding on my part is going to make that happen any faster. It will come together or it won't. I've done all I can do.

All signs are pointing to early ovulation (hmm, could it be from STRESS??), so I expect I'll be calling in the next day or two to schedule my IUI, and I guess I'll find out at that point if the vials have arrived. M and I just keep saying how much better we'll feel once the vials are here in our own time zone. Perhaps they are already en route. I think that if these 4-6 vials (yeah, I don't even know how many they are shipping) don't do the trick, we'll have to move on to another plan. I think our relationship with the this cryobank may have run it's course. Here's hoping this all becomes a moot point soon.

My apologies for the excessively long update. I should have put an intermission in there somewhere. LOL! I can not WAIT to tell this story to our teenager the first time they throw a fit about how we don't appreciate them enough. :-)

almost out of the woods

I talked to the NP this morning. She was pretty shocked when I told her about her office manager's disclosure. She said she hadn't talked to him yet but she "hoped" he wouldn't do something like that. I told her that he admitted it to me on the phone and she was pretty much speechless.

I explained what needed to happen and she said "I only ever know what my patients tell me. Are you telling me that you and KD are 'sexually intimate partners'?"

"Absolutely," I replied.

She's sending the fax this morning and will put the hard copy in the mail.

I'm going to continue to hold my breath until I talk to the cryobank in a couple of hours, but it looks like this may actually all work out.

Update for the soap fans - Part 1

What a bizarre 24 hours it has been. I made the phone call - certainly one of the strangest experiences of my life. I've never lied so blatantly, or with such high stakes. It seems this whole ttc process is one of constantly rediscovering the lengths one will go to.

It turns out that having the quarantine lifted requires three steps:
1) I call and lie.
2) KD calls and adds his own side of the lie. (talk about going "above and beyond")
3) Our NP writes a letter to verify said lie(s).

Steps 1 and 2 are done, and I have a message in to the NP to call me ASAP when she returns to work on Monday morning. I feel confident that she will agree to write the letter we need, especially since her office manager violated my legal rights by disclosing some of the details that he did. If everything continues to click along, we should have no trouble getting the samples here in time for next week's festivities. I can not count the times I have sighed with relief today that we left ourselves a buffer, timing-wise. Having a few extra days of wiggle room in this "waiting to ship" phase will be the thing that saves us for this cycle. That, and a whole lot of very well intentioned dishonesty.

Baby-to-be, you are so very loved.

FUCK.

Our society is so bass-ackward. Meet M and I: two intelligent, capable, resourceful, and motivated people who want to have a baby, pay for it ourselves, and love it unconditionally. Now meet the morally corrupt system that is telling us we can't.

We have suffered a monumental setback today. For some reason that I can not understand, the cryobank decided to do a little digging into the mysterious nature of my relationship to KD. In their quest for discovery, they did not call KD or I, who would have been happy to reassure them. No, they called our nurse practitioner's office. Unfortunately, our nurse practitioner (the person that first sat me down and informed me of the bullshit laws that are designed to prevent single women and lesbians from conceiving AS WELL AS how to get around them), is out on vacation, so they reached the office manager (weasel) instead. He dutifully informed them that KD is in fact my brother-in-law, and I am attempting to become pregnant via artificial insemination.

And that was that. Our cryobank account has now been flagged as a "directed donation," and we have to put KD through another expensive and time-consuming battery of tests before we can receive any of the samples he has already deposited. The silver lining? We've got nothin' but time to do it in. As a directed donation, all samples are also subject to a SIX MONTH quarantine. That means that all the samples that KD went entirely above and beyond to accumulate in preparation for our next shipment (supposed to be going out in a mere five days) must now be held until the end of J A N U A R Y of 2 0 0 8.

The office manager called me to say that they were mandating quarantine and said he was "so confused" as to why this might be! I said it sounded like they found out we were not "intimate partners" and asked if he knew how that could have happened, since our NP told us what to say and we've never strayed from the story. "Oh," he said. "Well, I guess I told them then. I just read what was here in your chart." He proceeded to tell me how very sorry he was to have caused this situation, but he did not offer to help clean it up. I asked if the NP was available. My first thought was to see if she would be willing to call on our behalf, say that her office manager was confused, and "clear up" any "misunderstandings" that may have occured. This is when I learned she is out on vacation. I didn't have the presence of mind to ask when she would be back - the world had already begun to spin too fast for that.

I really don't know what to do. I can't fly to KD next week. I would miss ANYTHING work-related at this point, but I'm set to ovulate ON the opening night of a play I am in. I can't stomach the idea of taking another break for one month, let alone six. This past month off was too hard on me. Even if I could, we'd be crazy to miss out on one of our 3 post-HSG elevated fertility months. My best idea at this point is to call the cryobank tomorrow morning and feign ignorance. I'm just going to say that I'm calling to make shipping arrangements, and when they tell me about the minor change to my account status, I'm going to be outraged and demand to know how I can fix the mistake that the "clearly confused" office manager has made. How can they possibly ask me to prove that KD and I are intimate partners? Will the demand a demonstration? I think not. On one hand, I can't imagine this will work. On the other, I'd like to see how they can prevent it from working. I'm interested to see what kind of "proof" of intimacy they can possibly ask for, other than our word. The bottom line is that I don't know what else to do. I kind of feel like this is our only hope, and if it doesn't work, well, then we won't be any worse off than we are now, right?

I'm just so shocked and sad that in the midst of a society filled with so many unplanned, unwanted, and unloved children, someone would make this process so damn near impossible for people like M and I. What do they care how I want to get pregnant? Can't I just sign a frigging release saying I won't sue them if I get some horrible disease? Isn't that what lawyers are for, to write contracts like that? I'm so sick of people feeling that they have the right to make such intimate decisions for me and how M and I create our family. We're not hurting anyone. We're just trying to build OUR own family and not be discriminated against. Wouldn't these legislators efforts be better channeled into preventing teen pregnancy, treating babies born addicted to crack, or improving the foster care system. Damn it! Leave us alone already!

I shouldn't have written this right now. I should have let myself cool off. I'm just so...

Damn it.

quickie update

My efforts to ignore my reproductive cycle this month have been largely successful. Yay! The down side of this is that fewer updates make it to the blog, but I'm sure none of you are too heartbroken. :-)

I had an ultrasound yesterday. I watched her measure my uterus and both ovaries so I know that I have them and they are roughly in the right places. The sonographer isn't allowed to say anything during the ultrasound but she didn't gasp or anything, so hopefully that's a good sign. KD's solo business meeting of late last week produced two IUI-worthy samples, both of which arrived at the NP's office this morning (I hope). I go in at 4:45pm today for IUI #1. M will be able to come along, so I'm really looking forward to that. It's the first time she's been able to be there. The NP said she could teach M how to do IUIs at home, so the plan is to do that with the second sample either tomorrow or Saturday. I guess we'll see how everything goes.

Now hopefully I can go right back to not paying attention to my cycle. I'm pretty sure it's going to be a lot harder during these two weeks than the last two!

Ups and Downs

My co-worker who is also TTC had 2 lines on her pregnancy test this morning. At my urging, she hurried over to her doctor for a beta and she just got the results. Her HCG level was 147. The average for her cycle day is about 120, so she's in really good shape. Despite the pity party to come in the next paragraph, I am really, *really* happy for her. Until I went to my doctor's appointment a couple of hours ago (more in a moment), I was bouncing out of my seat I was so excited for her. She's been trying for a couple of months longer than M and I and she's nearly 10 years older than us, so it's a relief to see her succeed at this. I literally got goosebumps when she told me.

Then I went to my doctor's appointment, and now I'm back to thinking TTC is complete and total bullshit and a hopeless endeavor to boot. (Catastrophizing? Me??) I'm an idiot and forgot not to eat anything this morning so I couldn't get the fasting blood test. The NP said she wouldn't recommend it for me anyway as she's fairly sure it would come back normal. I was able to get the other blood test I wanted. It's amazing how much of a non-event needle sticks have become to me. A year ago, I would have done just about anything to avoid them. Now I don't even notice them anymore. But I digress. I also talked to the NP about the HSG and other diagnostic options. I found out that she will not do an insemination in the same month as I have the HSG (the pros are divided on this one - some will, some won't), so that means another month off if we decide to do it. It's really too bad I didn't press this issue this cycle because this month would have been a perfectly convenient month to take off instead of making a last minute trip to KD and having to tell our parents what's going on. It would be good to have the HSG soon so that we can avoid throwing more money down the TTC drain if there is a problem, but it means paying a huge chunk of money and taking a whole month off. I just don't know if I can do that mentally right now. I'll have to see what M thinks.

In the "I'm a big dummy and I'm getting my hopes up despite all odds" category: I had some serious lightheadedness last night. The women on one of my boards swear by that as a sign of implantation, although I have my doubts. I have also been crazy emotional for the last few days and it would be wonderful to be able to chalk this up to hormone stuff and not a personality defect. This has been a really rough cycle for me all around though, so it could just be the emotional aftermath of all that. Maybe it's all just catching up with me.

I can't believe I have to wait another week before I can test. :-(