And now, some comic relief from the craziness that is my life, because if you don't have a good sense of humor, you have no business reading a blog about two lesbians navigating this three-ring circus we call advanced babymaking.
M and I stopped by Target the other day to buy pregnancy tests. While there, we found a Williams-Sonoma cookbook that needed to come home and live with us as well. So, we took our tests, our book, and our $1 off coupon for the tests (we have no shame) and proceeded to the express check out. Our checker was a 20-something kid with his pants belted a good 8 to 10 inches below his waist who was perfectly fine with us being in his lane... until he noticed what we were buying. Apparently, two blatant lesbians** purchasing pregnancy tests and a soup cookbook was just a little too much reality for his evening. He dropped our purchases quickly into a bag and wordlessly waved our receipt about a foot out of my grasp. I might have considered this rude, but it wasn't like he knew he was doing it. His gaze was a full 180 degrees the other direction - how could he have seen where my hand was, or in this case, wasn't?
But wait, there's more. As we were leaving the store, I glanced at the receipt before dropping it into the bag. On the top of the receipt is one of those automatic coupons that is generated by something you purchased. Any guesses? It was for $1.00 off Kotex products! "Hey, just in case those tests you just bought don't work out for you, come back and we'll knock a dollar off your tampons!" How very considerate.
(Incidentally, 2 of the 3 tests in that box have been used and have been negative. It looks like we are well on our way to strike-out #13. Against all rational thought, M and I managed to work ourselves into a flurry of high hopes for this cycle so it's been a sad couple of days around here. On the flip side, I am happy to be days away from checking off the first of our last two cycles before our IVF consult. Bring on the better odds, baby!)
**I should note here that I've been sick and holding down the couch for the past few days so I was looking a little ragged on this particular field trip. I'm not saying that lesbians in general are dirty or unkempt or whatever. I am saying that there is a noticeable decrease in my own tendency to pass for straight when I am (a) out with M, who has more external gaydar triggers than I do, and/or (b) looking less primped and fluffed than usual. On this occassion, we had both factors at work, so I know he had us pegged.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Monday, January 21, 2008
somewhere between 11 and 13 dpo
For the first time in 13 cycles of actively trying and 24 cycles of charting, I have no idea when I ovulated. I can get it down to a 2 day window, but after that, all signs are too ambiguous to pin it down further. If I'm 13 dpo, both our ICI and IUI were probably too late. If not... Ah, who knows.
I have no symptoms. None. At a bare minimum, I always have breast swelling and tenderness by now. It usually kicks in around 8 dpo and by now, it's uncomfortable to lay on my stomach. I have no other symptoms to speak of either - no "imagined" pregnancy symptoms, and no "AF is coming" symptoms. It's like my body is suddenly devoid of hormones, which is unlikely as this is a 100mg. Clomid cycle. In the past, I have believed that anything different is good, but I'm not getting the same vibe about this particular difference. The vibe I'm getting this time is that I should have my progesterone checked again.
Oh well, I gave up the driver seat on this ttc road trip a while ago. Looks like it might be time to move into the back seat altogether. Or maybe the trunk.
I have no symptoms. None. At a bare minimum, I always have breast swelling and tenderness by now. It usually kicks in around 8 dpo and by now, it's uncomfortable to lay on my stomach. I have no other symptoms to speak of either - no "imagined" pregnancy symptoms, and no "AF is coming" symptoms. It's like my body is suddenly devoid of hormones, which is unlikely as this is a 100mg. Clomid cycle. In the past, I have believed that anything different is good, but I'm not getting the same vibe about this particular difference. The vibe I'm getting this time is that I should have my progesterone checked again.
Oh well, I gave up the driver seat on this ttc road trip a while ago. Looks like it might be time to move into the back seat altogether. Or maybe the trunk.
Monday, January 14, 2008
a mother of an update, no pun intended
What a wild ride we've been on.
The Clomid made me ovulate late again, so I had the tank for nearly a week. Again. It's really annoying to continue to pee on opk sticks and continue to have negative results as the typical ovulation window passes you by. I started to worry that I'd missed my ovulation altogether, although the raging pain in my ovaries suggested it was still to come. The point of the Clomid is to cause you to create multiple follicles and it must be working on me because for the last couple of days before I ovulated, it practically hurt to take a step. I finally got a positive opk a full 4 days later than I expected. The positive test came in the evening, and by the time I woke up the next morning, the enormous pressure I had been feeling in my ovaries had subsided and my temperature had gone up a bit, so I figured the egg(s) had released. I called the NP, anxious to get in ASAP, and found that she was out for the day. Her secretary offered me an appointment the next day and (clearly warned by the NP) said that even though I would probably worry it was too late, the NP was certain it would be fine. Grrrr.
I took the appointment and called M right away - too soon, really. I ended up being less than cordial with her in my frustration. The decision before us was whether to throw away $250 and a soon-to-pass-quarantine vial in order to check off one of the two Clomid + IUI cycles our RE is requiring before moving forward. We decided to go for it. We also decided that I would come home at lunch and have a solo business meeting (My decision to take out 2 vials "just in case" paid off!) so that we'd have at least one somewhat viable shot this cycle. More important than completing the RE's checklist is the need not to take this horrible medication in vain - we had to do what we could to salvage any use of this Clomid cycle. So, I did an ICI at home - less effective, but hopefully closer to the right timing. This is SO not our month. The next afternoon, I went in for the IUI. M came along. As always, all lights were green, all signs were awesome, blah, blah, blah. She said she felt we caught the end of the "fertile window." We'll see. This cycle might be just F'ed up enough to work.
I ended up going for 2 acupuncture appointments last week and I also started an herbal treatment that is supposed to help with implantation. I was keeping in touch with my acupuncturist every day because she wanted to be sure to do a session right after my IUI, and on Friday when I hadn't surged yet, we went ahead and scheduled it for Monday because "surely" I'd surge over the weekend and go in then. Well, Monday came with no surge in sight but I was feeling pretty fragile emotionally so I kept the appointment. Then I went again on Wednesday after my IUI. That's about as much relaxation as my reproductive system can hope for!
All of the monitoring and calling providers and planning to rearrange my schedule was ridiculously draining. I have never been so fed up with this process as I was last week. I simply can't believe how hard we're having to work for this. I know it will all be worth it, but wow.
OK, the rest of this is me working through some stuff and documenting it for my own purposes. Feel free to skip it. It's not essential to the plot. ;-)
I wrote a LONG email to a good friend today and I hashed out a bunch of stuff about how I've been feeling and where we are headed. The gist is that I've (well, really we've, but I think I'm the one that's been doing more mental gymnastics over it because I'm the overanalyzer in our relationship!) been trying to work out whether being fed up with ttc is reason enough to proceed with IVF in a couple of months even though we're skipping a couple of steps that could come first, and I've come to rest on believing that it is. When we started this whole thing, I was determined to be patient and not rush to interventions we didn't need, and I still think there is value in that course of action for as long as it is working for you. But, it has ceased to work for us. I have been a basketcase over the past couple of weeks and the only thing I know for sure is that we are so ready to be done with this madness. My coworker, who got pregnant after we'd already been trying about 8 months, is less than two months away from giving birth and at this rate, it looks as though I won't even be pregnant by then. I never imagined this would be our road. Several of my friends are starting their own ttc journeys and while I truly and honestly want them to become pregnant quickly, I'm simultaneously terrified of the possibility that they too will be holding babies in their arms while we're still be treading water here in ttc land.
If we do go straight to IVF after our next Clomid cycle, there are really only two steps (one test and one treatment) that we'd be skipping that I might be a candidate for, and if the only benefit we get from that comes in the form of my mental and emotional well-being, then it is worth it for me. I'm ready to do whatever will give us the best chance because each cycle that we try feels so very long to me at this point. Waiting 3 more cycles just to make sure injectibles couldn't work for me before ending up at IVF anyway just does not feel do-able right now. Yes, I understand that the injectible cycles might work, but the chances of them working when Clomid didn't is so marginal - I just need more of a boost in the odds right now. Money is an important factor in this as well. We're really close to being able to afford an IVF cycle and if we have to pay for injectibles instead (several thousand dollars per month), it'll will deplete our IVF piggy bank entirely. I'm not willing to risk that right now.
Let's say the cost of injectibles is X and the cost of IVF is Y. X + X + X = Y, give or take. If we try 3 X cycles, we have to wait until we've saved up Y to try again. If we do things out of order and start with Y, we can try again as soon as we've saved up X, and the next after we've saved up another X, and so on, so there will be less of a break between tries.
Speaking of money, my parents gave us a significant amount of money to use toward IVF. We'll still have to come up with several thousand on our own, but it helps tremendously. They said that they've been meaning to take advantage of some of the "gifting" tax laws for a while, and the fact that they could start now at a time when we have such a large and specific need just made up their minds for them. I guess it goes without saying that we are very lucky women.
Our final argument for skipping to IVF is that we've finally accepted that breaking for a year or more to move just isn't going to be an option. I thought I could do it, but the last couple of weeks have shown me that I can't. So, we've basically decided that we will continue ttc until the house goes on the market with the understanding that if I do get pregnant, we'll be changing gears significantly and hanging out here for a while longer. This decision means we have more tries on our dance card than we thought. All other factors aside, we'd like to move this fall which would involve putting the house on the market in August or September, so the latest I could get pregnant would be then. Getting pregnant in August or September, however, would not be ideal as it would keep us in this part of the world for at least a year longer than we'd like, possibly more. So, looking at having 7+ more months to try and accepting that it may take some or all of half a dozen different treatments, it makes sense for us - strategically - to do whatever gives us the highest chance of working at the most relatively ideal time (in this case, sooner rather than later), then working backward from there.
Anyway, all of these factors and more are leading us to believe that proceeding with IVF after our next failed Clomid cycle will be the way to go. It wouldn't be the right answer for everyone, but it is for us. I know it may seem impulsive or short-sighted to an outside observer, but this process has changed us in ways I can't explain, and it's what we feel we need at this point. We're 16 months and 13 tries in and I am so, so tired. Maybe it won't work, and we won't be any better off than we are now, but we need to give it a shot. I need to give it a shot. I need to be able to move forward somehow.
The Clomid made me ovulate late again, so I had the tank for nearly a week. Again. It's really annoying to continue to pee on opk sticks and continue to have negative results as the typical ovulation window passes you by. I started to worry that I'd missed my ovulation altogether, although the raging pain in my ovaries suggested it was still to come. The point of the Clomid is to cause you to create multiple follicles and it must be working on me because for the last couple of days before I ovulated, it practically hurt to take a step. I finally got a positive opk a full 4 days later than I expected. The positive test came in the evening, and by the time I woke up the next morning, the enormous pressure I had been feeling in my ovaries had subsided and my temperature had gone up a bit, so I figured the egg(s) had released. I called the NP, anxious to get in ASAP, and found that she was out for the day. Her secretary offered me an appointment the next day and (clearly warned by the NP) said that even though I would probably worry it was too late, the NP was certain it would be fine. Grrrr.
I took the appointment and called M right away - too soon, really. I ended up being less than cordial with her in my frustration. The decision before us was whether to throw away $250 and a soon-to-pass-quarantine vial in order to check off one of the two Clomid + IUI cycles our RE is requiring before moving forward. We decided to go for it. We also decided that I would come home at lunch and have a solo business meeting (My decision to take out 2 vials "just in case" paid off!) so that we'd have at least one somewhat viable shot this cycle. More important than completing the RE's checklist is the need not to take this horrible medication in vain - we had to do what we could to salvage any use of this Clomid cycle. So, I did an ICI at home - less effective, but hopefully closer to the right timing. This is SO not our month. The next afternoon, I went in for the IUI. M came along. As always, all lights were green, all signs were awesome, blah, blah, blah. She said she felt we caught the end of the "fertile window." We'll see. This cycle might be just F'ed up enough to work.
I ended up going for 2 acupuncture appointments last week and I also started an herbal treatment that is supposed to help with implantation. I was keeping in touch with my acupuncturist every day because she wanted to be sure to do a session right after my IUI, and on Friday when I hadn't surged yet, we went ahead and scheduled it for Monday because "surely" I'd surge over the weekend and go in then. Well, Monday came with no surge in sight but I was feeling pretty fragile emotionally so I kept the appointment. Then I went again on Wednesday after my IUI. That's about as much relaxation as my reproductive system can hope for!
All of the monitoring and calling providers and planning to rearrange my schedule was ridiculously draining. I have never been so fed up with this process as I was last week. I simply can't believe how hard we're having to work for this. I know it will all be worth it, but wow.
OK, the rest of this is me working through some stuff and documenting it for my own purposes. Feel free to skip it. It's not essential to the plot. ;-)
I wrote a LONG email to a good friend today and I hashed out a bunch of stuff about how I've been feeling and where we are headed. The gist is that I've (well, really we've, but I think I'm the one that's been doing more mental gymnastics over it because I'm the overanalyzer in our relationship!) been trying to work out whether being fed up with ttc is reason enough to proceed with IVF in a couple of months even though we're skipping a couple of steps that could come first, and I've come to rest on believing that it is. When we started this whole thing, I was determined to be patient and not rush to interventions we didn't need, and I still think there is value in that course of action for as long as it is working for you. But, it has ceased to work for us. I have been a basketcase over the past couple of weeks and the only thing I know for sure is that we are so ready to be done with this madness. My coworker, who got pregnant after we'd already been trying about 8 months, is less than two months away from giving birth and at this rate, it looks as though I won't even be pregnant by then. I never imagined this would be our road. Several of my friends are starting their own ttc journeys and while I truly and honestly want them to become pregnant quickly, I'm simultaneously terrified of the possibility that they too will be holding babies in their arms while we're still be treading water here in ttc land.
If we do go straight to IVF after our next Clomid cycle, there are really only two steps (one test and one treatment) that we'd be skipping that I might be a candidate for, and if the only benefit we get from that comes in the form of my mental and emotional well-being, then it is worth it for me. I'm ready to do whatever will give us the best chance because each cycle that we try feels so very long to me at this point. Waiting 3 more cycles just to make sure injectibles couldn't work for me before ending up at IVF anyway just does not feel do-able right now. Yes, I understand that the injectible cycles might work, but the chances of them working when Clomid didn't is so marginal - I just need more of a boost in the odds right now. Money is an important factor in this as well. We're really close to being able to afford an IVF cycle and if we have to pay for injectibles instead (several thousand dollars per month), it'll will deplete our IVF piggy bank entirely. I'm not willing to risk that right now.
Let's say the cost of injectibles is X and the cost of IVF is Y. X + X + X = Y, give or take. If we try 3 X cycles, we have to wait until we've saved up Y to try again. If we do things out of order and start with Y, we can try again as soon as we've saved up X, and the next after we've saved up another X, and so on, so there will be less of a break between tries.
Speaking of money, my parents gave us a significant amount of money to use toward IVF. We'll still have to come up with several thousand on our own, but it helps tremendously. They said that they've been meaning to take advantage of some of the "gifting" tax laws for a while, and the fact that they could start now at a time when we have such a large and specific need just made up their minds for them. I guess it goes without saying that we are very lucky women.
Our final argument for skipping to IVF is that we've finally accepted that breaking for a year or more to move just isn't going to be an option. I thought I could do it, but the last couple of weeks have shown me that I can't. So, we've basically decided that we will continue ttc until the house goes on the market with the understanding that if I do get pregnant, we'll be changing gears significantly and hanging out here for a while longer. This decision means we have more tries on our dance card than we thought. All other factors aside, we'd like to move this fall which would involve putting the house on the market in August or September, so the latest I could get pregnant would be then. Getting pregnant in August or September, however, would not be ideal as it would keep us in this part of the world for at least a year longer than we'd like, possibly more. So, looking at having 7+ more months to try and accepting that it may take some or all of half a dozen different treatments, it makes sense for us - strategically - to do whatever gives us the highest chance of working at the most relatively ideal time (in this case, sooner rather than later), then working backward from there.
Anyway, all of these factors and more are leading us to believe that proceeding with IVF after our next failed Clomid cycle will be the way to go. It wouldn't be the right answer for everyone, but it is for us. I know it may seem impulsive or short-sighted to an outside observer, but this process has changed us in ways I can't explain, and it's what we feel we need at this point. We're 16 months and 13 tries in and I am so, so tired. Maybe it won't work, and we won't be any better off than we are now, but we need to give it a shot. I need to give it a shot. I need to be able to move forward somehow.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
starting 2008 off right
Lots of good news on the TTC front yesterday. I talked to our NP and she will do an IUI this cycle using one of KD's vials. This is way cheaper for us b/c we've already paid for KD's vials and the NP charges significantly less for an IUI. Also, we get to use KD which we weren't going to be able to do with the RE, AND we don't have to miss this cycle meaning:
1) No wasted Clomid side effects,
2) No involuntary break, and
3) No delay in meeting the 2 more Clomid + IUI cycles our RE is requiring before moving on.
It also looks like KD may be able to come out in a month so we can do an IUI with fresh swimmers (yay!) and he can have the infectious disease repeat screening that he needs for the RE to start using his vials after February 1st.
And here's something we're trying on for size...
We have tentatively decided to move forward with IVF in March/April. I'm still going to try to have at least one more consultation between now and then to allow every opportunity to be swayed, but we have spent the last three days making pro/con lists, staring at calendars, and running scenarios. In the end, this is the route that makes the most sense for us in conjunction with the rest of our goals for the next year. It's not a final decision by any means, but it's what we're going with for now.
Happy 2008 to all my friends in cyberland!
1) No wasted Clomid side effects,
2) No involuntary break, and
3) No delay in meeting the 2 more Clomid + IUI cycles our RE is requiring before moving on.
It also looks like KD may be able to come out in a month so we can do an IUI with fresh swimmers (yay!) and he can have the infectious disease repeat screening that he needs for the RE to start using his vials after February 1st.
And here's something we're trying on for size...
We have tentatively decided to move forward with IVF in March/April. I'm still going to try to have at least one more consultation between now and then to allow every opportunity to be swayed, but we have spent the last three days making pro/con lists, staring at calendars, and running scenarios. In the end, this is the route that makes the most sense for us in conjunction with the rest of our goals for the next year. It's not a final decision by any means, but it's what we're going with for now.
Happy 2008 to all my friends in cyberland!
Saturday, December 29, 2007
One more thing...
I forgot to mention this, and it's kind of interesting.
Remember the triplet boys on Christmas Day story? If I do switch to IVF at the time the RE is recommending, and if my cycles stay regular until then, my predicted due date will be... December 26th. How funny is that? Of course, if I were to get pregnant with triplets, there's no chance they'd bake a full 40 weeks. The mantra may need to change to triplet boys due on Christmas Day. Hmmm...
Remember the triplet boys on Christmas Day story? If I do switch to IVF at the time the RE is recommending, and if my cycles stay regular until then, my predicted due date will be... December 26th. How funny is that? Of course, if I were to get pregnant with triplets, there's no chance they'd bake a full 40 weeks. The mantra may need to change to triplet boys due on Christmas Day. Hmmm...
I'm way overdue for an update
M's family was with us for the holidays and just left this morning. I, in the meantime, have largely neglected all of my online duties. So sorry.
I'm not pregnant. I'm sure that's no big shock. If I'd had good news, you better believe I'd have found a few minutes to shout it from the cyber-rafters. I'm halfway through this month's round of Clomid. No symptoms so far to speak of, but last time, they didn't hit me until the 2ww, so the fun is probably yet to come.
I had an ultrasound on Thursday morning. It was perfect. Of course. Perfectly healthy with absolutely nothing to fix. Damn it. I asked the doctor about the laparoscopy and she said (again) that she wanted to do two more Clomid cycles and then she would encourage IVF, but would consider a laparoscopy at the time if that's what I preferred. She also said that she would recommend IVF over laparoscopy because the IVF would likely be the treatment for anything the laparoscopy might find, so basically, if we're "to that point," why not just skip to the finish line. I'm not so sure. If they find Endometriosis in the lap, they can clear it out and it's possible I could get pregnant on my own after that. I'd really like to avoid IVF if possible (duh), and it's not just because of the $15,000 price tag that my insurance won't touch. At least I have two more cycles to think all that through and seek out a second opinion. I hate every single tiny part of this TTC garbage.
Interesting phone calls yesterday: So, the new RE won't use KD without the quarantine restrictions, right? That means that until mid-February (depending on how quickly we can get KD in for an infectious disease screen once the 6 months elapses), we need to stick with KFed. The RE was less than thrilled by our choice of banks and explained it would require some more administration on their part because they'd never worked with our bank before, but agreed to do it. My task was to call the bank and have their CLIA certificate and FDA registration faxed to the RE's lab for pre-approval. I called yesterday. I reminded the sperm bank lady what donor we were using and she notified me that we "might" have an availability problem for next week's IUI. They have some vials of his in storage, but aren't planning to screen him again until the end of January so the vials have to be held until then. She asked for our second choice. I told her I couldn't remember so we'd have to check the profiles again and get back to her. Blech. I hate daddy shopping. HATE. Then I asked her to fax the info to my RE. Turns out, they don't even HAVE a Clia certificate!! Here I am thinking this is the most straightforward part of the whole call and they don't have the damn certificate so the RE won't use them. The best part of this is that it is the afternoon of Friday, December 28th. The next day I'm likely to find people in their offices is Wednesday, January 2nd, and I may need to inseminate as early as the 4th. There is NO WAY IN HELL that we can set up an account with a new bank, choose a new donor, and have the vials shipped to arrive by the 4th. Not gonna happen. And please recall that I'm 3 pills into my Clomid, a drug I do not want to take for a month longer than I have to.
There are three choices as I see them: The first is that I fly out to KD's next weekend and we go back to doing things "the old-fashioned way." Not that way, the other old-fashioned way. You know, a business meeting? This is less than ideal seeing as I just put KD on a plane this morning and I already have a big trip planned for later this month. A second, less-preferable option is that I can just pick up a vial myself from the bank and do an ICI at home. One drawback to both of those routes is that ICI is less effective than IUI so it's a partial waste of the Clomid cycle, but at least we won't lose the cycle altogether. The third and best option (cue heavenly music here) would be for my NP to do the insemination. She'll do an IUI, she's cheaper, and she'll use KD's swimmers. I need to call the RE and ask her about this option and I hope she'll give it the thumbs up, but I'll do it anyway even if she doesn't. The worst she can do is refuse to count this cycle toward the two more I need before we go to the next step (since she didn't end up having control over all variables), but at least I won't miss the cycle. I also have to ask the NP if she's willing to do it, but I feel like she will be. After nearly a year of monthly meetings, I think she wants this for us just about as badly as we do.
Sooo, that's all the news that's fit to print. I'll do a better job of updating - should be easier now that the holiday chaos is going back into hibernation.
I'm not pregnant. I'm sure that's no big shock. If I'd had good news, you better believe I'd have found a few minutes to shout it from the cyber-rafters. I'm halfway through this month's round of Clomid. No symptoms so far to speak of, but last time, they didn't hit me until the 2ww, so the fun is probably yet to come.
I had an ultrasound on Thursday morning. It was perfect. Of course. Perfectly healthy with absolutely nothing to fix. Damn it. I asked the doctor about the laparoscopy and she said (again) that she wanted to do two more Clomid cycles and then she would encourage IVF, but would consider a laparoscopy at the time if that's what I preferred. She also said that she would recommend IVF over laparoscopy because the IVF would likely be the treatment for anything the laparoscopy might find, so basically, if we're "to that point," why not just skip to the finish line. I'm not so sure. If they find Endometriosis in the lap, they can clear it out and it's possible I could get pregnant on my own after that. I'd really like to avoid IVF if possible (duh), and it's not just because of the $15,000 price tag that my insurance won't touch. At least I have two more cycles to think all that through and seek out a second opinion. I hate every single tiny part of this TTC garbage.
Interesting phone calls yesterday: So, the new RE won't use KD without the quarantine restrictions, right? That means that until mid-February (depending on how quickly we can get KD in for an infectious disease screen once the 6 months elapses), we need to stick with KFed. The RE was less than thrilled by our choice of banks and explained it would require some more administration on their part because they'd never worked with our bank before, but agreed to do it. My task was to call the bank and have their CLIA certificate and FDA registration faxed to the RE's lab for pre-approval. I called yesterday. I reminded the sperm bank lady what donor we were using and she notified me that we "might" have an availability problem for next week's IUI. They have some vials of his in storage, but aren't planning to screen him again until the end of January so the vials have to be held until then. She asked for our second choice. I told her I couldn't remember so we'd have to check the profiles again and get back to her. Blech. I hate daddy shopping. HATE. Then I asked her to fax the info to my RE. Turns out, they don't even HAVE a Clia certificate!! Here I am thinking this is the most straightforward part of the whole call and they don't have the damn certificate so the RE won't use them. The best part of this is that it is the afternoon of Friday, December 28th. The next day I'm likely to find people in their offices is Wednesday, January 2nd, and I may need to inseminate as early as the 4th. There is NO WAY IN HELL that we can set up an account with a new bank, choose a new donor, and have the vials shipped to arrive by the 4th. Not gonna happen. And please recall that I'm 3 pills into my Clomid, a drug I do not want to take for a month longer than I have to.
There are three choices as I see them: The first is that I fly out to KD's next weekend and we go back to doing things "the old-fashioned way." Not that way, the other old-fashioned way. You know, a business meeting? This is less than ideal seeing as I just put KD on a plane this morning and I already have a big trip planned for later this month. A second, less-preferable option is that I can just pick up a vial myself from the bank and do an ICI at home. One drawback to both of those routes is that ICI is less effective than IUI so it's a partial waste of the Clomid cycle, but at least we won't lose the cycle altogether. The third and best option (cue heavenly music here) would be for my NP to do the insemination. She'll do an IUI, she's cheaper, and she'll use KD's swimmers. I need to call the RE and ask her about this option and I hope she'll give it the thumbs up, but I'll do it anyway even if she doesn't. The worst she can do is refuse to count this cycle toward the two more I need before we go to the next step (since she didn't end up having control over all variables), but at least I won't miss the cycle. I also have to ask the NP if she's willing to do it, but I feel like she will be. After nearly a year of monthly meetings, I think she wants this for us just about as badly as we do.
Sooo, that's all the news that's fit to print. I'll do a better job of updating - should be easier now that the holiday chaos is going back into hibernation.
Monday, December 17, 2007
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
outmatched
I'm feeling outmatched by my life right now.
This post has been brewing for a few days, and when it started, it was going to simply be an "I really, really hope I get pregnant this cycle" post. Since then it has been trying to evolve into a raging vent with lots of swear words. I'm hoping to meet myself somewhere in the middle here.
Here's the "I really, really hope I'm pregnant" part:
I am so very tired of this rollercoaster. I have been living my life in two week increments for 15 months now, and each month, I spend at least one day soaring on the highest highs and another weathering the lowest lows. It's downright draining. If this cycle works, my due date will be August 30th. This would suck from a weather standpoint, but that's why God invented air conditioning, right? From every other angle, it would be perfect. M would be totally done with school so she wouldn't have to tear herself away from a newborn to deal with class stuff. It would be early enough to not interfere with our goal to move in the fall but late enough that I probably wouldn't have to go back to work after my maternity leave. It really is just kind of perfect. Also, we were able to use KD as the donor, something we might not be able to do again for a few months.
Since then, I've become totally overwhelmed with all this TTC nonsense, and I am sooooo ready to be done, and not in the fun, optimistic "Gee, I really hope this is my month!" way. I had the consult with the RE last Wednesday and it was completely depressing. I don't even know where to start in explaining why.
1. She is not willing to use KD's stored vials without them passing quarantine. I knew this would be the case, but it still felt like a punch to the gut for some reason. The reality is that KD is who we want to use, and despite all the rationalizing I did to come to terms with using an anonymous donor, KD is still my first choice. At the time, I could justify the switch by needing to rule out incompatibility issues between KD and I. But now, with two failed inseminations using KFed (half the medical "best practice" for ruling out donor issues, but still), I feel comfortable enough to want to proceed with KD as the donor, whatever that takes. I think I talked her into compromising on the quarantine issue enough to count the time the samples have already been in storage toward our 6 months (giving them a release date of 2/1/08), but I won't count that chicken until it's hatched, grown, and laying eggs of it's own. Not after the experience we had with the evil cryobank.
2. I went in with a mental list a mile long of options I expected to be presented with: injectibles, trigger shots, mid-cycle ultrasound monitoring, laparoscopy... She suggested none of these. What she suggested was repeating an ultrasound I had several months ago, 2-3 more cycles with Clomid (but at 100mg. rather than 50mg.), then IVF. That's all folks. I have wrestled with this nonstop since my appointment. I feel like we've paid our dues and I'm ready to fast track this pregnancy. For perspective, you have to remember that we're figuring we only have 3-4 more months to try before we have to take a year off to relocate. So, if IVF is what it will take, then IVF it is, and bring it on sooner than later, please. I just can't believe I'm really at that point. The only explanation I've come up with for why she didn't suggest any of those other options - right or wrong - is that they are all designed to address specific fertility issues, none of which I have based on the battery of tests I've completed. So I guess she's just not wanting to waste time on fixes for things that ain't broke. I'm just disappointed that she didn't think any of those things were worth trying. I really wanted her to believe that those options were viable for me, not in a patronizing or indulgent way, but in a genuine, I-believe-you-CAN-get-pregnant way. It's heartbreaking to hear that the professional opinion is that my only hope is a couple tries with one drug, then IVF. I'm thinking about getting a second opinion. The only problem is time. The waiting period for new patients is 2+ months in most practices - that's what it took me to get in with her. Also, she wants to hit the ground running with the ultrasound and 100mg. Clomid pretty much the second my period arrives, which is less than two weeks away. That doesn't give me a lot of time to make a decision about possibly switching doctors. The more I think and talk this out, the more I realize I need to at least have a consult with someone else, just for my own peace of mind, so I'll work on that. And I guess I'll probably just be stuck with her in the interim, which isn't a big deal. It's only money, and my sanity of course. The one other thing I'm thinking of doing is going back to her and (a) flat-out requesting a laparoscopy - no reason she shouldn't want to do that if I'm willing to pay her for it, and (b) informing her that if all she's planning to do is Clomid and IUIs, no ultrasound monitoring or mid-cycle bloodwork, I'd like to do that with my NP who charges half as much as she does, and return to her having saved up our $$ for IVF when the time comes to cross that bridge. Of course, I have to check with the NP and make sure she will prescribe the 100 mg. of Clomid, but I don't think that will be a problem. You're starting to see the issue though, right? Too many variables. Too many possible configurations. And the clock continues to tick...
I go through periods of feeling more and less sad about my own inability to get pregnant, more and less jealous of others who become pregnant so easily, and more and less desperate about my prospects of ever having a successful pregnancy. Lately, I've just been feeling "more" on all counts. Some days, I'm able to see my infertility as a gift, believe it or not. It's taught me so much about myself and M and our relationship, and helped me to empathize with a community of women who have endured this same challenge that simply can't be understood without having experienced it. But for the last week or so, I've just felt really sad about it all and wanted to go back to the blissful ignorance in which I conceived of myself as a healthy, normal person.
My non-TTC life has been a complete disaster lately, and that's not helping me have the emotional stamina I need to deal with all of this. M and I are both so ridiculously busy, we're lucky if we see each other for 10 waking minutes each day. We are beyond broke. I overdrew our checking account this week - something I haven't done in a looooong time and I'm at a loss to describe how much this stresses and frustrates me. I am drowning at work from having so much time off this month and last month. I feel like I'm on some kind of revolving object (merry-go-round? sit-n-spin?) and it keeps going faster and faster and faster as the world around me dissolves further and further into one big blur. Even acupuncture isn't cutting through the fog right now, and that's been my silver bullet for the last few months.
I have a decent break coming up for Christmas with M's family, and the guest list and agenda (or lack thereof, more accurately) pretty much guarantee that it will be a week o' awesomeness. Still, there's a part of me that is anxious about it because it's more time away from work, and being behind there is a big chunk of what is making me feel out of control right now. Once I get back on top of things at work - and it's totally realistic to do this before my last day in the office on 12/21 - I'm sure I'll be as overjoyed about having the week off as I am about the company I get to spend it with.
Really, what I need to do is sit still and think and talk about all of this. There is an answer and it's already in me somewhere. I just need to find it. I called M this afternoon and scheduled a "team meeting" for this weekend, so hopefuly we'll be able to work some things out. I have a feeling it will involve a significant amount of surrender.
This post has been brewing for a few days, and when it started, it was going to simply be an "I really, really hope I get pregnant this cycle" post. Since then it has been trying to evolve into a raging vent with lots of swear words. I'm hoping to meet myself somewhere in the middle here.
Here's the "I really, really hope I'm pregnant" part:
I am so very tired of this rollercoaster. I have been living my life in two week increments for 15 months now, and each month, I spend at least one day soaring on the highest highs and another weathering the lowest lows. It's downright draining. If this cycle works, my due date will be August 30th. This would suck from a weather standpoint, but that's why God invented air conditioning, right? From every other angle, it would be perfect. M would be totally done with school so she wouldn't have to tear herself away from a newborn to deal with class stuff. It would be early enough to not interfere with our goal to move in the fall but late enough that I probably wouldn't have to go back to work after my maternity leave. It really is just kind of perfect. Also, we were able to use KD as the donor, something we might not be able to do again for a few months.
Since then, I've become totally overwhelmed with all this TTC nonsense, and I am sooooo ready to be done, and not in the fun, optimistic "Gee, I really hope this is my month!" way. I had the consult with the RE last Wednesday and it was completely depressing. I don't even know where to start in explaining why.
1. She is not willing to use KD's stored vials without them passing quarantine. I knew this would be the case, but it still felt like a punch to the gut for some reason. The reality is that KD is who we want to use, and despite all the rationalizing I did to come to terms with using an anonymous donor, KD is still my first choice. At the time, I could justify the switch by needing to rule out incompatibility issues between KD and I. But now, with two failed inseminations using KFed (half the medical "best practice" for ruling out donor issues, but still), I feel comfortable enough to want to proceed with KD as the donor, whatever that takes. I think I talked her into compromising on the quarantine issue enough to count the time the samples have already been in storage toward our 6 months (giving them a release date of 2/1/08), but I won't count that chicken until it's hatched, grown, and laying eggs of it's own. Not after the experience we had with the evil cryobank.
2. I went in with a mental list a mile long of options I expected to be presented with: injectibles, trigger shots, mid-cycle ultrasound monitoring, laparoscopy... She suggested none of these. What she suggested was repeating an ultrasound I had several months ago, 2-3 more cycles with Clomid (but at 100mg. rather than 50mg.), then IVF. That's all folks. I have wrestled with this nonstop since my appointment. I feel like we've paid our dues and I'm ready to fast track this pregnancy. For perspective, you have to remember that we're figuring we only have 3-4 more months to try before we have to take a year off to relocate. So, if IVF is what it will take, then IVF it is, and bring it on sooner than later, please. I just can't believe I'm really at that point. The only explanation I've come up with for why she didn't suggest any of those other options - right or wrong - is that they are all designed to address specific fertility issues, none of which I have based on the battery of tests I've completed. So I guess she's just not wanting to waste time on fixes for things that ain't broke. I'm just disappointed that she didn't think any of those things were worth trying. I really wanted her to believe that those options were viable for me, not in a patronizing or indulgent way, but in a genuine, I-believe-you-CAN-get-pregnant way. It's heartbreaking to hear that the professional opinion is that my only hope is a couple tries with one drug, then IVF. I'm thinking about getting a second opinion. The only problem is time. The waiting period for new patients is 2+ months in most practices - that's what it took me to get in with her. Also, she wants to hit the ground running with the ultrasound and 100mg. Clomid pretty much the second my period arrives, which is less than two weeks away. That doesn't give me a lot of time to make a decision about possibly switching doctors. The more I think and talk this out, the more I realize I need to at least have a consult with someone else, just for my own peace of mind, so I'll work on that. And I guess I'll probably just be stuck with her in the interim, which isn't a big deal. It's only money, and my sanity of course. The one other thing I'm thinking of doing is going back to her and (a) flat-out requesting a laparoscopy - no reason she shouldn't want to do that if I'm willing to pay her for it, and (b) informing her that if all she's planning to do is Clomid and IUIs, no ultrasound monitoring or mid-cycle bloodwork, I'd like to do that with my NP who charges half as much as she does, and return to her having saved up our $$ for IVF when the time comes to cross that bridge. Of course, I have to check with the NP and make sure she will prescribe the 100 mg. of Clomid, but I don't think that will be a problem. You're starting to see the issue though, right? Too many variables. Too many possible configurations. And the clock continues to tick...
I go through periods of feeling more and less sad about my own inability to get pregnant, more and less jealous of others who become pregnant so easily, and more and less desperate about my prospects of ever having a successful pregnancy. Lately, I've just been feeling "more" on all counts. Some days, I'm able to see my infertility as a gift, believe it or not. It's taught me so much about myself and M and our relationship, and helped me to empathize with a community of women who have endured this same challenge that simply can't be understood without having experienced it. But for the last week or so, I've just felt really sad about it all and wanted to go back to the blissful ignorance in which I conceived of myself as a healthy, normal person.
My non-TTC life has been a complete disaster lately, and that's not helping me have the emotional stamina I need to deal with all of this. M and I are both so ridiculously busy, we're lucky if we see each other for 10 waking minutes each day. We are beyond broke. I overdrew our checking account this week - something I haven't done in a looooong time and I'm at a loss to describe how much this stresses and frustrates me. I am drowning at work from having so much time off this month and last month. I feel like I'm on some kind of revolving object (merry-go-round? sit-n-spin?) and it keeps going faster and faster and faster as the world around me dissolves further and further into one big blur. Even acupuncture isn't cutting through the fog right now, and that's been my silver bullet for the last few months.
I have a decent break coming up for Christmas with M's family, and the guest list and agenda (or lack thereof, more accurately) pretty much guarantee that it will be a week o' awesomeness. Still, there's a part of me that is anxious about it because it's more time away from work, and being behind there is a big chunk of what is making me feel out of control right now. Once I get back on top of things at work - and it's totally realistic to do this before my last day in the office on 12/21 - I'm sure I'll be as overjoyed about having the week off as I am about the company I get to spend it with.
Really, what I need to do is sit still and think and talk about all of this. There is an answer and it's already in me somewhere. I just need to find it. I called M this afternoon and scheduled a "team meeting" for this weekend, so hopefuly we'll be able to work some things out. I have a feeling it will involve a significant amount of surrender.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Clo-madness
If I'd written a dictionary two weeks ago, this is how the entry would have read:
Clo-madness (n.): 1. A transitory mental illness brought about by the ingestion of Clomid, a medication commonly used to treat ovulatory disorders; characterized by headaches, emotional outbursts, mood swings, antisocial behavior, and unexplained crying spells.
I'd heard stories of women screaming obscenities and throwing small appliances at their partners, friends, pets, and/or anything else that moves. Turns out, I was all prepared for nothing. With the exception of a couple of hot flashes, I was totally asymptomatic while actually taking the darn stuff. However, since stopping it 4 days ago, I have realized that a second definition is needed:
2. A secondary condition characterized by extreme frustration after learning through trial and error that Clomid F's up your ovulation timeline and produces false positives on ovulation redictor kit test sticks. Most commonly associated with taking an OPK on the same day as the last Clomid dose and being surprised when it returns a nearly positive result, causing one to panic and rearrange schedule to make sure IUI-ready samples are on hand for insemination which will surely occur within the next 24 hours. This is followed by the confusing state of continually peeing on OPKs which are turning less positive instead of more, coupled with the total absence of secondary fertility signs (a common side effect of Clomid) making it impossible to cross-check OPKs, and the knowledge that the tank only keeps samples at the appropriate level of freezing for so long. At this point, one typically calls the bank to verify that samples will last until ovulation (assuming it ever freaking happens) and is told that they can not guarantee it unless tank holder takes time off work to drive out to cryobank to have liquid nitrogen refilled. In the meantime, internet research is typically conducted that indicates (1) Clomid causes false positives on OPKs as late as 3 days post last dose of Clomid, even though ovulation never occurs until at least five and sometimes as many as NINE days past the last dose of Clomid, and (2) Clomid significantly delays ovulation, especially if started after day 5 (which would be especially interesting/useful to someone who started it on day 6 of her cycle). At this point, one typically concludes that ovulation is still a few days away assuming said person is only on day 14 of her cycle) and all the commuting back and forth to the cryobank, peeing on sticks, and general stressing that said person has done for the last four days has been totally unnecessary. And this - typically - does not make said person very happy.
If my NP had read the above entry, perhaps she could have told me a couple of things such as not to expect my ovulation to occur on time, and to delay the OPKs (which she requires I start on day 10) until 4 days past my last dose of the Clomid, seeing as it's hormonally impossible for me to ovulate before then anyway. At a minimum, she could have warned me to look out for the
false positives. Those pearls of wisdom could have saved me a lot of money, gasoline, and emotional reserve.
Monday, November 26, 2007
quick update - on to try #12
Just returned home from Thanksgiving with the fam, and thought I should log on quickly to end the suspense. I am not pregnant. I started Clomid today (1 day late - more later) and will probably inseminate again early next week.
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