shock to the system

I have been very hesitant to admit to anyone to what a completely awesome, amazing, wonderful, fantastic sleeper Elliot is. I'm terrified of jinxing it. The reality is that for a while now (cough, past three months), he has been sleeping really, really well (cough, cough, 10+ hours per night, uninterrupted). We had a hiccup on our recent trip across a couple of time zones where his routine was off enough that he didn't sleep straight through the night, but he was easy to get back down with a bottle and a few minutes of rocking, and after a night or two, he was back to normal.

Last night, he and I were wide awake from 2am until nearly 4am, and dozing on and off until 5am when I finally got him settled back into his crib. I have NO IDEA what was going on. He was acting a little weird (aside from being awake, which was weird enough in itself) and he was covered in a cold sweat, but I suspect the latter was just due to the fact that I was holding him against me in a blanket sleeper for hours and his body was reacting to the sauna-like conditions. Anyway, he seems fine today - no signs of illness or anything. M thinks she might not have fed him enough during the day yesterday (I was out and she had solo parenting duty) so I'm really hoping he was just too hungry to sleep through, then was so thrown off by being awake that he couldn't get back to sleep easily. I am familiar with the horror stories about babies who slept perfectly until 8 or 12 or 18 months, only to morph into sleeping terrors, and I hope hope hope that is not be what we are moving into. My heart goes out to those parents - I truly do not know how they do it. Sleep is so essential to my patience and coping ability.

In short, I'm SO out of practice on the nighttime duty (on accounta being luckier than any girl should be and I'll understand if you all hate me now) and I'd love to stay that way, if it's not too much to ask. Pretty please and thank you. :-)

an hour well spent

Warning: Mushy baby story ahead. Proceed (or not) by your own discretion.

As I mentioned a couple of days ago, there's a baby gate in our house. I don't know why this feels worth talking about considering there's an actual BABY in our house, so the gate is pretty small potatoes, relatively speaking. I guess it's just one of those iconic items for me. I spent so long feeling like stuff like that belonged in everyone else's world but mine. But what do you know? We brought one home last week and M screwed it into the studs at the top of the staircase into our basement. It is clear that a baby lives in our house. Crazy.

He has become so mobile so quickly over the past few days. He went from crawling to zooming around to pulling up to furniture-walking in a matter of days. He's also 8 months old today. The speed with which he is growing up is affecting me a bit, I think...

I was trying to put Elliot down for a nap this afternoon and he was putting up one heck of a fight. When he gets really tired, he gets super-cranky and he stiffens and thrashes and can't relax enough to sleep. He's really strong and it's hard not to get frustrated when he fights like that. I'll admit that it is usually with no small sense of relief that I settle him into his crib after one of those episodes. When he finally did pass out this time, he was nestled against me so perfectly that I couldn't bear to let go of him. I put the foot rest up, leaned the recliner back, and laid there with him sleeping on me for almost an hour. As I was holding him, I tried to soak up every last bit of the experience; to memorize the feel of him. I know that before I know it, he will be too big and too "cool" to snuggle with like that. I feel hyper-sensitive to how quickly these days will be gone and how little sensory memory I'll be able to take with me.

overheard

A parent that shall remain nameless said the following tonight:

"You know what I like about this stage as opposed to, say, three weeks old? He isn't the source of my bad moods anymore, and actually, he fixes my bad moods. I come home feeling lousy and he's here and he's happy and it's just impossible to be grumpy around him."

One of the sayings in our house is "I am filled," which is our own shorthand for "I am filled with love and affection and pride and a thousand other good things toward you."

I am so filled.

snuffleupagus

That's what I call Elliot when he's extra snotty, and it's the perfect reference for how I feel at the moment.

We got word today that M's mom was diagnosed with H1N1, or as my co-worker calls it, The Swine. Of course this news comes (a) on the heels of M's visit to her parents' house last weekend where her mom was sick in bed the whole time and (b) at the beginning of me coming down with some illness that has me feeling like my head is full of cotton balls. Awesome. I know H1N1 is respiratory (right?) and what I have seems much more like head-cold-with-a-side-of-sore-throat, so hopefully it's all just a coincidence.

Also in the "I hope this is just a coincidence" category, all reports from Elliot's daycare today were that he was inconsolable. I hope it isn't because he is getting sick, too. Maybe it's teething. Yeah, that's it... teething! (Please.)

He's been a little crabby at home the last couple of nights, too. I have chalked it up to the fact that he has become incredibly mobile overnight (literally) and he resents the restraints we have imposed upon him. I hope that is really all it is. It's been a big week in terms of his independence. He went from tentatively crawling a few steps at a time to speeding from one room to the next in the blink of an eye. We finally installed a baby gate at the top of the stairs last night, so that gives us a little peace of mind. We're still trying to figure out how to safeguard our brick fireplace hearth. He pulls up on EVERYTHING, but he hasn't yet learned to sit himself back down when he wants to move on to the next activity, so he looks around panicked for a minute and then starts whimpering to be rescued. It's both cute and nerve-wracking because I'm constantly watching him, trying not to intervene more than I have to but terrified that he's going to let go of whatever he's holding on to and crack his head on the ground. He hasn't yet, knock on wood. He seems to understand that he can't let go of whatever he's holding on to, he just can't figure out what he CAN do yet.

I can't believe he's nearly 8 months old. If I'd gotten a BFP when he was born, I'd be due around now. Baby time goes so much faster than waiting-for-baby time.

some random thoughts

Thank you so much for the input on my Creme selection! It's so hard to be objective when it comes to your own stuff. I appreciate the advice.

So, I recently underwent a little project to clean up my blog. Those of you following on readers are aware of it because you had random posts flying at you about IUIs and BFNs and sperm counts each time I had a date-stamping snafu. When I moved to this blog from my former home, I copied all of my previous posts into one big catch-up post. This worked fine to catch people up, but lately I've been wanting to go through some of my archives and it's hard to find things when they aren't separated out by the date they were written. It's done now and my clean, chronologically-sound archives index makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. My next project might even include... wait for it... tags. I know, I know, I am truly a blogging wonder.

An interesting thing happened to me while I was working on my little project. I made the mistake of copying them over in reverse chronological order, so like from try #9 (or something like that) back to the beginning and into our pre-ttc planning stages. Reliving your journey in reverse is a truly horrifying experience and I don't recommend it. With each post I copied over, I was getting more optimistic and bubbly instead of less. It was like watching a car crash in slow motion and knowing there is no way to stop it. I wanted to shake the computer monitor and scold myself for my naivete: "It doesn't work! That never worked! Nope, this time will not be different. Ugh, you sound like such a sucker going on about this symptom or that hunch! I am embarrassed for you, truly." I was so adorable and clueless. It's one thing to smile and nod at another bright-eyed newbie. It's another when that bright-eyed newbie is yourself. I really had to fight the urge to edit out some of my Pollyanna musings during those first few tries.

That said, it was neat reading through my thoughts from other times along the way. M and I were talking last night about my blog (I made her vote on the Creme nominees, too!) and she mentioned that she is really glad I kept one throughout our process. From a practical standpoint, it provides a record of what, when, where and how everything took place. It's amazing how many details we have forgotten already. From an emotional standpoint, it's an invaluable time capsule that contains my every thought, hope and fear as we moved through each stage. At some point, I'd like to print and bind the entries from the beginning through Elliot's birth. I think I'd even like him to read them someday. He would need to be old enough to understand it and not get freaked out by it, so what is that... about 35 years old? LOL. I might edit out a few of the more graphic details (but everything relating to breaking laws is in!) and some of my angrier rants, but when he is old enough to see the forest and not the trees, I hope he would read it as a story about how much M and I love him, and have always loved him, even before we knew him. I like to think he'd be proud of how hard we fought for him and impressed by some of the gutsy things we did to get him here.

In mostly unrelated news, I read this hysterical blog where the author has a daughter exactly one month older than Elliot, to the day. She just posted about planning for an FET in the spring. *crickets* Seriously?! I guess that would give her (us) kids about two years apart. Holy crap. I am soooo not ready to go through ttc again any time soon. (Go ahead and exhale, M.)

ETA: I was thinking about this post in the shower this morning and I realized I wanted to clarify this last bit. I am in no way judging this woman for her timeline. My brother and I are two years apart and I always thought it was a good separation - probably one I would try to replicate in my own family someday. My "Seriously?!" wasn't aimed at her making the decision to pursue an FET in the near future, it was in reponse to the reality that we're approaching that time and if we wanted our own kids to be two years apart, we'd have to start trying again in a mere six months or so. That thought is just very overwhelming to me and my hat is off to those who are able to face it head on!

eeney meeney miney...

It's time for The Creme de la Creme again! I have to admit I like the Roundup Extravaganza better - it's so nice to be relieved of the pressure of choosing your own best post! I am very bad at the choosing. Case in point = this post.

I have narrowed it down to three options but now I'm stuck so I'm asking for input. If you aren't drowning in NaBloPoMo posts and have time to read three more, take a look at these and let me know which one is your favorite.

1. A nod to KD on our first Father's Day.

2. A bittersweet reckoning of our infertility journey.

3. A dispatch from my final days of pregnancy.

Thanks to anyone who wades through these and gives me their input! I would be positively thrilled to return the favor if you're having trouble picking your submission. 'Cause you are submitting something, right? ;-)

home sweet home

I am home, praise the everloving deity of your choice. If only I didn't have to go to work tomorrow. That would rock.

For tonight's post, I bring you... pictures. Again! This time, it isn't (just) because I'm lazy, though. Meegs over at A New Day is picking nursery colors and she's considering a shade that looks exactly like the one we used. I don't think I ever posted any nursery pics here, so I figured now was as good a time as any. Good luck with your decision, Meegs!

And one more nursery pic... This is how I found things when I went in to get the kiddo up on Thursday morning:

What a surprise to find him STANDING in his crib! What's next, a motorcycle? (Guess it's time to take the bumpers out. Eek!)

last one

Did I mention I've been posting via iPhone since Thursday? If you've been wondering why my posts look as though they could use a good proof-reading, that's why. The phone will let me type and post, but scrolling back up through the box to check over what I've written? Oh nooooo! That would be too helpful.

Anywho, we're headed home tomorrow and my full-size keyboard and I intend to make up for the less than awesome posting that's been going on lately. Thanks for hanging in there with me. :-)

one down, one to go

My grandfather's memorial was today. It wasn't an official service - there was one of those but we weren't exactly invited. Long story. Anyway, my aunts and uncles and cousins came together to hold our own observance of his life, and it felt a little insufficient, but it was probably the best course of action we could take given all of the variables.

I have hazy, non-specific memories of my grandfather from my early childhood where he is happy and affectionate and sober. Unfortunately, the alcohol and his own bitterness progressively took center stage over the last 15+ years so all of my sharper memories of him are... well... less than warm and fuzzy. He generally tolerated the gay thing okay, which is to say that although he struggled to make eye contact with me (or M on the one occassion they shared physical space), he still spoke to me. When Elliot was born, I felt strongly that he travel to meethis only living great grandfather. I don't know if the baby factor crossed a line for him or he was just too drunk or sick by then, but he was outwardly hostile on that visit. Once I'd had my fill of inquiries about why I'd "given up" on men and comments about my son being a product of science rather than a relative, we decided to leave early. Henever held Elliot. That was the last time I saw him.

Tonight, I am trying to remember him as he was when I came into the world - loving, feisty, fun and hard-working - and I'm trying to forget the rest. The last few years were rough, but I have to remind myself there were many good times way back when. I just wish I could remember more of them.

on sucking it up

After spending all of yesterday on air travel, today I strapped Elliot into an unfamiliar car seat for a 4+ hour drive to stay with people he's never met and sleep in yet another random bed. Aren't I just mother of the year? Ah, the hoops we jump through for family. The truth of the matter is that I'm feeling a little grumpy and put out about this trip myself. It needed to happen, but that doesn't mean I can't complain about it, which brings us to tonights Word, er, I mean blog post:

One of the harder parts of being a parent, in my humble opinion, is never being able to check out of the less enjoyable times. It's days when you've been running around like a mad person and you'd give your right arm to take a nap, but the baby is wide awake and ready to play. This sounds terrible - oh, poor K, she has a baby that wants to play with her. Oh boo f'ing hoo! Don't get me wrong, I don't take that baby for granted for a second. I worked long and hard to get here and I am thankful every minute that he is here and he is mine... But that doesn't mean it's always a barrel of laughs. Sometimes, it's hard, like when you are up with a new baby every two hours around the clock. Totally worth it, but hard.

Today was one of those days. Elliot was righteously pissed when I had the audacity to strap him into his car seat. What I would have liked to have done is said "I'm with you, buddy! This blows, let's throw a temper tantrum and see if we can get out of this altogether." Then I probably would have moped and pouted like a surly teen until I realized it was futile then put in headphones and napped for the rest of the drive. Instead, I talked and sang and made faces and bribed and was basically "on" full-throttle from door to door while Elliot fussed. Not poor me -I'm glad I have him to bring along to family gatherings - but getting us here was just... hard.

The one thing that is neat about those times is that when I'm able to take a step back from the situation, I can see how much I've changed since Elliot came along. I'm more mature than I used to be. Watching myself override my own exhaustion, frustration, or downright misery to care for him makes me feel like a real parent for a brief moment.

Tomorrow we stay where we are, then the next day is the return drive and Monday is the return flight. Lots of feeling like a real parent in my future.