Excuse me ma'am, your neuroses are showing.

So we picked a donor (see below) and I was feeling good about it. But then I didn't place our order. A day passed... Another day passed... And then a couple more. On Monday, our IVF nurse called to see what was up with our sperm order. I waited until Tuesday to call her back and told her I would place our order on Wednesday, even though I could have easily done it right then. I kept the cryobank page pulled up on my work computer all day yesterday but never pulled the trigger. I second-guessed every last thing about our donor choice, but I knew all along those "concerns" were just place-holders for the real issue: I still have hang-ups about our switch to anonymous donor sperm. It was mitigated with The Beatle by having found our perfect, sent-from-above donor. But without that golden parachute, it turns out I'm still angry and sad and, frankly, in denial that we really have to go this route. The timing for this is poor. I start stims tomorrow. We don't have time for me to freak out about using a sperm bank.

The "do as I say, not as I do" lesson is this: Be sure to finalize all donor decisions and orders prior to shooting up large volumes of hormones as you will not be able to think rationally about anything and will instead be reduced to a jumble of tears and emotions when asked to complete simple tasks.

M and I had a good discussion about all of this last night. How she puts up with me I will never know, but I sure am lucky. She gave me the pep talk I needed, reminding me of all of the reasons we have made the decisions we have made up to this point. And I felt good about it again.

This morning, I pulled up the cryobank page, put a vial into my cart and proceeded to check-out. I went back to review his profile one more time... oh yes I did, because I am THAT dysfunctional... and there is just this one fly in the ointment I can't get past. It's the one concern I think might actually be real and not just me setting up false barriers. He has no reported pregnancies.

Here are the facts:

• I did some internet research on whether or not this should be a concern. The consensus is NO. (Possible dissenting opinion may be found here.) Any factors that might inhibit fertility from the male end are ostensibly screened out before a donor is released in the first place. There are many factors that play into whether a donor has reported pregnancies or not and, at best, this data point is a reflection of how long the donor has been active in the program, but even that has multiple limitations. And hey, KD had no reported pregnancies and 14 failed inseminations on his resume before he worked for us during our IVF cycle. Just sayin'...
• I called the bank and he has been active since January of 2011, so only 8 months. The stuff I found online said it often takes around a year for a donor to show reported pregnancies. The bank was adamant that they do not consider his lack of reported pregnancies to be of any concern at this point. But really, what else are they going to say?
• I looked at the 40 donors listed on either side of him numerically, so presumably, the 40 donors who became available immediately before and after him. Of the 40 that became available later, just over half still do not have any reported pregnancies. Of the 40 that became available just before him, only two (gulp, two) do not have reported pregnancies yet.
• On one hand, I think that doing IVF makes this less of a concern because even if his swimmers aren't peak performers, IVF should make that a moot point, right? (I have a call in to the RE to discuss this.) On the other hand, this isn't IUIs where the stakes are relatively lower and we can switch after a month or two if we want. We get one shot. If none of the eggs fertilize, that's it. We're looking at another whole cycle (and another whole $12,000) if we want to try again. This cycle has already been rough on me physically. It's so much harder going through it with a toddler in the house. I can't imagine having to turn around and do it all over again, not that we could afford to anyway.
• I have pored over the other options and I really want to stick with this guy unless we have good reason not to.

So... What would you do?

When will it ever end?

I'm not going to waste your time with the details. The nutshell version is that my closest local friend who was also my doula during E's birth launched a major pregnancy/birth-related project, obviously several months if not years in the making, and I heard about it through someone else. On Fac.ebook, of all places, when I was asked to "like" said project's page.

I'm also not going to waste your time with the freaking dissertation I could write about all the many ways this has ruined my night*. Poor M got an itemized list over dinner. Know that they are plentiful. And know that at least 90% of them are self-absorbed, infertility-and-traumatic-birth-scarred bullshit**. I know this, and yet I can't turn them off.

I have M as a barometer for how a normal, rational person should respond to this situation, and compared to her, I am like some kind of sad, deranged narcissist.

I have been feeling really proud of myself lately - like I might finally be getting a little distance and perspective. Apparently not. I guess I just needed the right trigger to be right back where I started.

No, that's not fair to say. I'm not back where I once was. I don't view every pregnant belly as part of a conspiracy and I have ventured back into certain physical and online spaces I had to stay away from for a long time. I'm better than I was. I guess that makes it all the more surprising (and infuriating) when something so minor can unleash this torrent of sadness and disappointment and frustration.

I just want to be a normal person with normal emotional responses to life. I'm so, so sick of this twisted gift that keeps on giving. I know you all are too, which is why I'm here. I just need to vent to some people who get it, so thanks for listening.

*Here's one weird one, though - perhaps you can help me with it: One of the things that is most upsetting to me is the fact that I can't figure out why she wouldn't tell me. It makes me feel left-out; it makes me feel stupid for not being able to see whatever it is; and it makes me feel nervous and defensive - like whatever I'm missing is going to come crashing down on my head at any second. There is some Reason X why she didn't think I could handle the information or she didn't trust me with it or she didn't value me enough to share it or something else I haven't even considered. Whatever it is, it ain't good. I feel lame for being so upset over something I can't even define, but the fact I can't define it is kind of the point. Not only was I kept in the dark, I'm still there in a way. Any insights to normalize or clarify this jumble would be appreciated.

**10% have nothing to do with anything infertility- or pregnancy- or baby-related and are just plain old hurt feelings at being left out. I literally talk to this woman for several hours every single weekday, and many weekends, too. We talk about anything and everything, or so I thought. But I know that even those feelings are tinted by my residual hurt feelings at being blindsided by her pregnancy announcement, which brings us back to... you get the picture.