I tested this morning. It was a resounding negative. I'm feeling surprisingly bitter about it, actually. I kind of thought I was past that point. I'm wishing I hadn't made travel plans for this weekend because I'd really prefer to sit home and mope.
I had been doing a decent job of keeping my hopes down until last night when I came home after work and PASSED OUT. I woke up 2 hours later, feeling like I could sleep for another week, and decided (of course!) that I must be pregnant. So I took a test. I left the room for a few minutes, and when I came back, there was the tiniest shadow of a second line there if I held the stick at just the right angle. I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me so I left the room and came in again a minute later. Still there. (Rinse and repeat a few times.) I have desperately tried imagining second lines where there weren't second lines on 40-something pregnancy tests to date, and this time, unlike the rest, I could actually see something! It made perfect sense to me that the line would be a mere shadow if anything because I was only at 11dpo and it wasn't FMU. I was home alone and about to shoot through the roof from nerves and excitement, so I went to the mall and walked in circles for a couple of hours until M was due home. She and I had an excited little "what if" kind of evening and I found myself only mildly disappointed about the hot tubs and roller coasters I would have to avoid on our upcoming vacation.
This morning, when I woke up to take my temperature, I watched it climb in excitement. Usually I just stick the thing in my mouth and fall back asleep until it beeps to be taken out, at which point I toss it in the general vicinity of my nightstand and sleep for another hour or two before my "real" alarm goes off. This morning, I was too excited to go back to sleep. I POAS'd, waited for my beautiful second line to appear, and... nothing. No really, nothing. No amount of wishful thinking or squinting or anything was gonna make that a BFP.
I am SO not pregnant. I don't feel pregnant. I feel disappointed, and bitter. Damn this cycle for being another bust and damn me for letting my hopes get away from me last night.
Showing posts with label BFN. Show all posts
Showing posts with label BFN. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Friday, October 26, 2007
moving on
No luck this time. I feel kind of silly even posting it after 10 failures, like it should go without saying.
My mood is okay. I'm definitely a little down, but noticeably less so than on previous failed cycles. I had a hard day on Tuesday when I finally accepted the stack of negative pregnancy tests in the wastebasket, but again, not as bad as it has been in the past. I think I'm (finally) acknowledging to myself that this will probably take a lot more time, if it works at all. I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing. To be honest, it certainly makes the BFNs easier to deal with. On the other hand, I hate the idea of losing faith in myself under any circumstances. Oh well, I'm just along for the ride and if there's one thing I've learned, it's not to bother trying to control my feelings about this stuff.
I can't remember if I mentioned on here that the NP referred me to an RE. I don't think I did. We had the talk I wanted to have and she basically said that she has done everything for me that she can. I took the first available appointment with the doc she referred me to and it was DECEMBER 18TH - over 2 months from the date I made the appointment. Good grief. I called back this morning and switched it to one of the newer doctors in the practice, and I still couldn't get in before November 29th. So, we still have one full cycle before we see her. I'm not sure yet how aggressive we're going to be this time. This might be a good month to save some money before the RE bills start rolling in.
I just typed this next paragraph about a dozen times and deleted every draft. I'm sticking with this one, for better or for worse! :-) I was trying to explain how this journey teaches me, in tidy monthly increments, that there is no true acceptance, only stages of it. Every month, I say all the right things to myself about how it is going to take time, yet I'm still surprised and unprepared when it doesn't work. So, I can't say that I've finally accepted that this is going to take a long time, because I'm sure what feels like acceptance now will seem diminshed in hindsight. What I can say is that I seem to have taken a big step toward accepting it. Despite knowing it "could" be a long journey when we started, I later found out that I'd had no doubt I would be pregnant by my 2Xth birthday (yup, a mere 2 cycles after we started - wasn't I cute and naive?), and after that, by my 2Yth. I remember on my 2Xth birthday thinking I was being so generous by giving myself another year! Anyway, last week I caught myself wondering whether it would be realistic to think I'll be pregnant by the time I turn 30, and feeling that at best, I'd give myself 50/50 odds of that happening. It's entirely possible that as that milestone rolls around (if not before), I'll realize that I didn't actually believe I wouldn't be pregnant by then, but we'll see. I feel like I finally expect this to be a marathon, no asterisk or fine print included. I think the difference is that I'm finally conceiving of myself as having Unexplained Infertility, a label I've rejected until now. Maybe it was making the appointment with the RE that caused the shift, or maybe it's crossing over the one year marker. Whatever it is, it feels like a good development in that it is easing my expectations and bringing some form of peace, even if there is some sadness as well.
We'll get our family. I know we will. If I really stretch, I can even find a part of me that's kind of excited to see what crazy not-yet-dreamed-of way in which it will find us.
My mood is okay. I'm definitely a little down, but noticeably less so than on previous failed cycles. I had a hard day on Tuesday when I finally accepted the stack of negative pregnancy tests in the wastebasket, but again, not as bad as it has been in the past. I think I'm (finally) acknowledging to myself that this will probably take a lot more time, if it works at all. I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing. To be honest, it certainly makes the BFNs easier to deal with. On the other hand, I hate the idea of losing faith in myself under any circumstances. Oh well, I'm just along for the ride and if there's one thing I've learned, it's not to bother trying to control my feelings about this stuff.
I can't remember if I mentioned on here that the NP referred me to an RE. I don't think I did. We had the talk I wanted to have and she basically said that she has done everything for me that she can. I took the first available appointment with the doc she referred me to and it was DECEMBER 18TH - over 2 months from the date I made the appointment. Good grief. I called back this morning and switched it to one of the newer doctors in the practice, and I still couldn't get in before November 29th. So, we still have one full cycle before we see her. I'm not sure yet how aggressive we're going to be this time. This might be a good month to save some money before the RE bills start rolling in.
I just typed this next paragraph about a dozen times and deleted every draft. I'm sticking with this one, for better or for worse! :-) I was trying to explain how this journey teaches me, in tidy monthly increments, that there is no true acceptance, only stages of it. Every month, I say all the right things to myself about how it is going to take time, yet I'm still surprised and unprepared when it doesn't work. So, I can't say that I've finally accepted that this is going to take a long time, because I'm sure what feels like acceptance now will seem diminshed in hindsight. What I can say is that I seem to have taken a big step toward accepting it. Despite knowing it "could" be a long journey when we started, I later found out that I'd had no doubt I would be pregnant by my 2Xth birthday (yup, a mere 2 cycles after we started - wasn't I cute and naive?), and after that, by my 2Yth. I remember on my 2Xth birthday thinking I was being so generous by giving myself another year! Anyway, last week I caught myself wondering whether it would be realistic to think I'll be pregnant by the time I turn 30, and feeling that at best, I'd give myself 50/50 odds of that happening. It's entirely possible that as that milestone rolls around (if not before), I'll realize that I didn't actually believe I wouldn't be pregnant by then, but we'll see. I feel like I finally expect this to be a marathon, no asterisk or fine print included. I think the difference is that I'm finally conceiving of myself as having Unexplained Infertility, a label I've rejected until now. Maybe it was making the appointment with the RE that caused the shift, or maybe it's crossing over the one year marker. Whatever it is, it feels like a good development in that it is easing my expectations and bringing some form of peace, even if there is some sadness as well.
We'll get our family. I know we will. If I really stretch, I can even find a part of me that's kind of excited to see what crazy not-yet-dreamed-of way in which it will find us.
Thursday, April 5, 2007
The slow turning of the gears
No definitive end to this cycle yet, but I know it's coming. I had the negative test on Tuesday, and my temps have continued to fall, so I know we're out of the running. If there are no changes before tomorrow morning, I'll test again so I can call the NP and let her know the results, but I'd be surprised if I get to that point.
Tuesday was hard. I mostly thought I was doing okay, and then I went to a meeting with a colleague who is 8 months pregnant and another whose daughter is nearly 18 months old (she and her partner got pregnant on their second IUI). The woman who is 8 months pregnant now got married the month before M and I did. I supposed it's possible she and her husband had to "try," but seeing as they got pregnant less than 3 months after they were married, it doesn't seem there was much work involved on their end. Perhaps I shouldn't make assumptions.
Anyway, I found myself sitting in that meeting feeling really bitter and intolerant towards the both of them, which was a first for me and marks a point I never wanted to get to. I am on an online discussion board that has segregated itself into "newbies", "tweens", and "old codgers". This division happened a couple of months after I joined because the older members got too frustrated reading the bouncy exuberance of new members, especially when they got BFPs on their first time out of the gate. There is a clear heirarchy wrapped up in it as well. Those who are most invested in the separate threads claim it is just to have space for the different conversations that evolve throught the TTC process, but that's not how it actually functions. The "newbies" get a lot of flack. I totally get this. I mean, if you've been TTC for a year and you don't have a baby on the way to show for it, you should at least get seniority in the TTC forums, and all the trappings that go along with that, even if that means you occassionally flex your muscles at someone else's expense. But I digress. So, I'm technically a "tween" now, by dates, but I have so far boycotted the "tween" thread on principle. I value the idea of staking out space for people that are in different places on their journey to vent and get support, and I'm glad it's there for folks that want that, but the movement to the "tween" thread implies something I'm not comfortable with (yet): That my journey has evolved to the point where I can no longer celebrate other's success without a corresponding bitterness or frustration about my own situation. I feel like if this process takes me to a place where I can no longer share in someone else's joy, I've lost too much of my spirit and it's time to reassess. Anyway, I had my first glimpse of those feelings on Tuesday, and it shook me up a bit.
Back to the meeting. The mom of the 18 month old stopped me afterward to ask how things are going. (She's a friend and the one who referred me to our NP, so she's aware of our process.) I surprised both of us by getting all teared up as I told her I'd tested negative that morning and I knew we were on to try #5. That was the first BFN I've gotten teary over since the first one, and I really didn't know it was in there until it was too late. I was still feeling really awful when I got in my car to go home. I'd been flirting with the idea of going back to Weight Watchers, but kept putting it off because you have to quit if you get pregnant, and I didn't want to go to all the trouble to get registered and pay when I was going to have to drop out in a week or two anyway (you know, 'cause I was going to be pregnant this time for sure!). Anyway, I realized all of the sudden that Weight Watchers would be the perfect place for me to go that night. I need to get the stress eating under control (now more than ever), and I would really like to have the chance to fit back into some of my clothes before my preggo belly outgrows them again. WW is good for these goals. And for bonus points: It's a positive thing that I'm not even allowed to do while pregnant, making it the perfect silver lining to my BFN. Now I have at least a full month to concentrate on WW before the have a chance to kick me out. :-) While in the meeting, I realized another really good thing about starting WW on that particular day. WW offers something I really need right now; possibly the thing I need most right now. It offers the feeling that I have some control over my body. One of the greatest challenges of TTC is the realization that I have zero control over that aspect of my body, and it doesn't matter how many scientific or anecdotal "tricks" I employ. When it comes down to it, I can not make myself get pregnant. But, I can make myself lose weight and be healthier. That is something I can control. Not only will doing those things make me feel better about myself (and not have to spend all my money on a new and larger wardrobe), but they can only help on the TTC journey as well. It's a win-win-win situation.
By Tuesday night at home, I was feeling a LOT better. I still think this process sucks @ss, but I've also regained my conviction to stay away from the "tween" thread... at least for a little while longer. :-)
Tuesday was hard. I mostly thought I was doing okay, and then I went to a meeting with a colleague who is 8 months pregnant and another whose daughter is nearly 18 months old (she and her partner got pregnant on their second IUI). The woman who is 8 months pregnant now got married the month before M and I did. I supposed it's possible she and her husband had to "try," but seeing as they got pregnant less than 3 months after they were married, it doesn't seem there was much work involved on their end. Perhaps I shouldn't make assumptions.
Anyway, I found myself sitting in that meeting feeling really bitter and intolerant towards the both of them, which was a first for me and marks a point I never wanted to get to. I am on an online discussion board that has segregated itself into "newbies", "tweens", and "old codgers". This division happened a couple of months after I joined because the older members got too frustrated reading the bouncy exuberance of new members, especially when they got BFPs on their first time out of the gate. There is a clear heirarchy wrapped up in it as well. Those who are most invested in the separate threads claim it is just to have space for the different conversations that evolve throught the TTC process, but that's not how it actually functions. The "newbies" get a lot of flack. I totally get this. I mean, if you've been TTC for a year and you don't have a baby on the way to show for it, you should at least get seniority in the TTC forums, and all the trappings that go along with that, even if that means you occassionally flex your muscles at someone else's expense. But I digress. So, I'm technically a "tween" now, by dates, but I have so far boycotted the "tween" thread on principle. I value the idea of staking out space for people that are in different places on their journey to vent and get support, and I'm glad it's there for folks that want that, but the movement to the "tween" thread implies something I'm not comfortable with (yet): That my journey has evolved to the point where I can no longer celebrate other's success without a corresponding bitterness or frustration about my own situation. I feel like if this process takes me to a place where I can no longer share in someone else's joy, I've lost too much of my spirit and it's time to reassess. Anyway, I had my first glimpse of those feelings on Tuesday, and it shook me up a bit.
Back to the meeting. The mom of the 18 month old stopped me afterward to ask how things are going. (She's a friend and the one who referred me to our NP, so she's aware of our process.) I surprised both of us by getting all teared up as I told her I'd tested negative that morning and I knew we were on to try #5. That was the first BFN I've gotten teary over since the first one, and I really didn't know it was in there until it was too late. I was still feeling really awful when I got in my car to go home. I'd been flirting with the idea of going back to Weight Watchers, but kept putting it off because you have to quit if you get pregnant, and I didn't want to go to all the trouble to get registered and pay when I was going to have to drop out in a week or two anyway (you know, 'cause I was going to be pregnant this time for sure!). Anyway, I realized all of the sudden that Weight Watchers would be the perfect place for me to go that night. I need to get the stress eating under control (now more than ever), and I would really like to have the chance to fit back into some of my clothes before my preggo belly outgrows them again. WW is good for these goals. And for bonus points: It's a positive thing that I'm not even allowed to do while pregnant, making it the perfect silver lining to my BFN. Now I have at least a full month to concentrate on WW before the have a chance to kick me out. :-) While in the meeting, I realized another really good thing about starting WW on that particular day. WW offers something I really need right now; possibly the thing I need most right now. It offers the feeling that I have some control over my body. One of the greatest challenges of TTC is the realization that I have zero control over that aspect of my body, and it doesn't matter how many scientific or anecdotal "tricks" I employ. When it comes down to it, I can not make myself get pregnant. But, I can make myself lose weight and be healthier. That is something I can control. Not only will doing those things make me feel better about myself (and not have to spend all my money on a new and larger wardrobe), but they can only help on the TTC journey as well. It's a win-win-win situation.
By Tuesday night at home, I was feeling a LOT better. I still think this process sucks @ss, but I've also regained my conviction to stay away from the "tween" thread... at least for a little while longer. :-)
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