Just the facts, ma'am.

Elliot was 11lbs, 8 oz and 24 inches long at his pediatrician appointment yesterday. This puts him in the 50th percentile for weight and the 90th percentile for height. Who'da ever thought I could give birth to a tall, skinny baby? Not me, that's for sure.

Some things are going really well:
- We LOVE cloth diapering. Love. It.
- Sleep: He's up to one seven to eight hour stretch between feedings most nights, which translates into a five to six hour chunk of sleep, which makes Mom a happy lady.
- Dimples have come to town... and to think I thought laughing alone was as cute as it got. Ha!
- His reflux seems to be getting better. We're starting to wean him off the medication and the 30 minutes of upright time with some preliminary success. He is still a spit up machine, but it doesn't seem painful like it used to.

Some things aren't going so well:
- Breastfeeding: What a freaking nightmare this has been. I have a whole post brewing about this. More if and when I find time to sit down and type that up.
- Returning to work: It's happening, and it's happening soon. As hard a job as it is being home with him all day, I am seriously dreading going back to work this Monday. I went to the daycare yesterday to drop some things off and left feeling totally depressed. It's a great daycare and I know they'll take good care of him. I'm just not ready to be away from him so much.
- Post-baby body baggage: I'm really struggling with my body right now. I'm within five pounds of my pre-IVF weight but my body is a completely different shape and I don't have anything that fits. As a result, I'm still in maternity clothes for the most part and this really bums me out. My stomach is big and baggy and stretch-marky and I hate it. There's all this extra skin and it just hangs there looking weird and keeping me out of my pre-baby denim. I thought I'd be more patient about this part but I'm just ready to be in normal clothes again, especially with going back to work.
- Processing the birth experience: I'm working on the birth story, I promise. The problem with that (and my own ability to move on, i suspect) is that I simply don't know a lot of the details about how it all went down during the last 24 hours or so, and it's hard to find people to fill in the blanks for me. Everyone else that was in the room either can't remember or doesn't want to talk about it. It was pretty traumatic for all involved, or parts of it were, at least. I'm considering requesting my labor and delivery medical records. I just have this tremendous need to know how it all happened and it's not going away with time as I hoped it would.

That's the latest from our neck of the woods. I'll have more online time starting next Monday (don't tell my boss!) so I'll post more then if not sooner!

2 months old!

Two months ago, my life changed forever. It seems impossible that it's already been two whole months since he arrived.

My life today bears no resemblance to my life of a few months ago. Most notably:

• My days are spent nursing, changing diapers, walk-bouncing around my house... and very little else. Some days include nothing else.
• I consider any day that I take a shower an exceptional victory. I hit that about 50% of the time.
• I haven't picked up a book that didn't tell me how to do something since the day he was born. Our multiple magazine subscriptions go pretty much from the mailbox to the recycling bin.
• Planning out errand running is now based on how many times I'll have to take the carseat and stroller in and out of the car, and how conveniently located the elevators are since escalators are out of the question  these days.
• I can recite the daytime tv line-up for you. A few months ago, the daytime tv shows I could name could be counted on one hand.
• I spend hours doused in baby spit-up because, really, it's a waste of resources to change clothes before at least th third strike.
• For our recent 10-day trip, I spent approximately nine hours packing for him and nine minutes packing for myself.
• I started this post yesterday morning... :-)

In exchange for all of the sacrifices, I get to spend my days with an incredible little person that lights up when he sees me and learns something new every day. Being his mom is by far the hardest thing I've ever done, but at the end of the day, I can't help but feel lucky that this amazing little spirit has been entrusted to us. He and I have this little "peek-a-boo" game we play during the day where I hold him and we face a mirror, then turn away, then rinse and repeat indefinitely.  At one point I was looking in the mirror and it hit me that I was holding a baby. That in itself was strange enough, and then it hit me that it was my baby. This is it - him and us - from here on out. He is ours. Over all of the months and years we tried to get pregnant, the picture of Here got fuzzier and fuzzier in my mind. Now, not only can I picture it, I'm living it. That is entirely too much to wrap my head around most days.

To Elliot, thank you for coming into my life and making it richer and more meaningful than I ever imagined it could be. I am so glad that we didn't give up during the agonizing wait for you. You are worth every BFN and I am humbled that someone as amazing as you was our missing puzzle piece.

And now I must feed you. :-)

new theory

AF is back in town as of this morning. Now, I'm wondering if she is the cause of my duct issues rather than the extended time between feedings. It seems strangely coincidental that a new breastfeeding issue emerges at the same time as my breast tissue becomes irregular due to AF's impending arrival.

The overall experience of breastfeeding has been terrible for me since day one but I've kept it up through sheer determination. This may be the straw that breaks the camel's back. I can cope with my current situation as an isolated incident, but if this duct issue is going to be a monthly thing, breastfeeding and I may just have to break up. I guess I'll just have to get through this and see what next month brings.

And in related complaining... Damn it for no break from AF! It hasn't even been a full 28 days since my postpartum bleeding let up. I thought breastfeeding was supposed to buy me a reprieve. Booo.

I'd rather have had a sleepless night!

My extended sleep of two nights ago (read: skipped feeding) has yielded me two plugged milk ducts. Ouch.

It might not have come on so dramatically but I've spent much of the past week feeding him every hour and a half to increase my supply. Well, it worked... and then I slept like a rock while disaster struck. I can't believe how much this hurts. I think I got them both unblocked by last night, or at least some milk is coming through, but I'm still in a lot of pain.

It's always something!

A few notes from here

- We went out of town this past weekend for the wedding of an old friend from college. 300 mile road trip each way and an incredibly loud, over-stimulating party in the middle but the kiddo was a complete rockstar all weekend. He let us make both drives with only one feeding stop each way. At the wedding, we put him in the moby right after dinner and he slept there peacefully for the next several hours. We even danced with him in it! He was totally easy-going the rest of the weekend as well, charming all of our friends who were meeting him for the first time. We were so proud. :-)

- He went six and a half hours between feeding last night!! I can hardly believe it. I don't know how much of that he was asleep for because M put him down and while I remember her coming to bed, I have no clue what time it was. I'll ask her when she gets up - I'm posting this from my phone during "upright time" after a 4am feeding. Regardless, going that long between feedings is step one toward a lot more sleep in our house so I'm happy!

- I'm pretty sure E actually IS getting cuter by the day. He's certainly getting bigger. M and I were both marveling at his size yesterday, which seemed to have visibly increased overnight. Ok, she was marveling; I was tearing up over the realization he really is growing up as fast as everyone threatened he would and before I know it he'll be in college or something. I think this kind of crazy thinking means I'm officially a mom, and a cheesy one at that.

- E is all into baths now. He lays there with wide eyes, cooing and smiling away. It's freaking adorable.

- I go back to work in three weeks. I'm ready for a little more structure and I miss the social interaction but the thought of leaving E in daycare makes me queasy. I think daycare is good for kids' development, but that is Theory and this is my baby. He is really recognizing us these days and I'm freaking out that he'll feel abandoned by us each time we leave him there. Unfortunately, I did not win (or even play) the lottery during my leave so we have no choice. Even if we didn't need my salary, we need my health insurance. M can't adopt Elliot for six months and he can't go on her insurance until that happens. Stupid.

- Mother's Day was quite the "what a difference a year makes" event for me, but I'll have to save my thoughts on that for another post as my time is up on this break!