reality check in aisle 2, please

I took off work early today to look at the first of several daycares we're considering. When I got home, there was a bottle (free sample - Medela BPA Free) in my mailbox. My "is that... no... well, maybe" movement of the last week has evolved into definite flutters, taps and rolls over the last couple of days. My life is so very different today than it was 6 months ago. More than that, it's different than I even dared to hope it could be.

The daycare was great. It's a non-profit child development center with awesome core values around social responsibility, diversity, community, etc. It's crazy expensive but they provide lots of scholarships and seeing as I'm technically a single parent, in the legal sense at least, I think we'll probably qualify. The downside is that they have a one-year waiting list for infants. That wouldn't be a big deal if we were looking for a daycare for the long haul, but there's a possibility we'll only need a daycare in this state for a few months to a year, so I'd prefer not to jump around during that time. I think we'll probably sign up anyway in case something opens up sooner, but I recognize it may not work out. M and I are going together to check out another one on Thursday, and I have one more on my list for this week if they ever return my phone call (not a good sign).

I've heard so many people say this that it sounds hopelessly cliche to me, but it's my turn now so just smile and nod at me if you have to: I can't believe how much faster the second trimester is going! I felt conscious of every day, hour and minute of my first trimester, but the first month of my second trimester has gone by in the blink of an eye. I'm glad we're working on daycares already (especially after the waiting list I encountered today!) and the farther I get into my Hyp.nobirthing book, the more I realize we should be starting classes, like, yesterday. By the time we get those two checked off the list, it'll be time to register and look for a pediatrician. I just can't believe The Time For All This is upon us already.

Oh crap, and I promised you a belly shot. This is what 16 weeks looks like around these parts. I've only gained 6 pounds from my pre-IVF weight, but you can see where every last ounce went! Oh well. I'm about 90% thrilled to finally have a baby bump of my very own and 10% shocked and paranoid about how absurdly huge I seem, so I guess that's not a bad ratio. Anyway, on to the pic...

OK Vee, you're up! :-)

I've got rhythm

Baby's HB was in the 150s and all is looking good.

I can't describe what a relief it was to hear that strong little heartbeat today. My last check-up was just before 12 weeks and I've been so fearful of a missed m/c. (Who I am I telling this to? You all read my blog. You know about my neuroses.) Anyway, things are good and after hearing the heartbeat at nearly 16 weeks, I think I may finally be able to settle into the idea that the most dangerous part is actually behind us. It's amazing how much more real this pregnancy seems after each milestone we pass. Also at today's appointment: blood draw for the quad screen. I'm not sure how long it will take to get the results back but I think it's usually a couple of weeks, right? I probably should have asked that. Am I the only person who doesn't think of the right questions to ask until after I leave the doctor's office? At the moment, I'm still basking in the glow of the heartbeat so I really don't care how long it takes. Check back with me in a week or two and see how patient I am then. ;-)

I don't have a date for the "big" ultrasound yet. The doctor's office has to schedule it at a separate clinic so hopefully I'll hear something from them tomorrow. I requested 10/20 because my mom will be in town and I think it would be fun for her to come along. It's hard having her so far away. There are so many things about this pregnancy I'd like to share with her that I just can't on accounta the pile of states separating us.

My OB asked about our birth preferences. M defered to me and I explained that I would prefer to have a natural childbirth and planned to take steps to achieve that, but that we'll have to see what happens and I'm not completely opposed to meds/interventions if the situation demands them. Having never gone through childbirth before, I think it would be presumptuous of me to assume that I definitely can do it without drugs, but equally presumptuous of me to assume that I can't. We told her about our plans to look into Hyp.nobirthing and she advised that we commit to a method and start practicing NOW because this baby will be here before we know it. (Gulp) Overall, she seemed very supportive of our goal and I think she'll do what she can to help our baby come into the world with the least intervention possible.

And about that belly pic... Vee, you're on. We haven't taken a picture since 12 weeks but we'll be sure to take one when I hit 16 weeks on Wednesday and I will post it here. So, if you don't have a good one ready to post, you might want to dust off the camera and start posing with that baby belly of yours! :-) And inlocoparentis, thank you my dear. We will have to remember to get some photographic evidence of the baby bump + the I heart safe sex t-shirt before I'm too big to squeeze into it.

the view from week 15

OK, I'm going to go out on a limb and say it... (drumroll please)

I think I'm starting to feel better! The last time I was so bold as to proclaim that to someone, I was rewarded with another week of yuckiness, but I've had several good days in a row this week so I'm taking the risk.

Interestingly, my crippling fatigue seems to be have been replaced with... insomnia. How's that for weird? I'm already to the point where I can't find a comfortable position in bed (awesome, considering I've got nearly 6 months of growing to go) so it takes me a long time to fall asleep. Then, when I get up to pee a couple of hours later, it takes me another hour to get BACK to sleep. Rinse. Repeat. Some nights I only have to pee once, and those nights rock. The double-bathroom-trip nights (read: two rounds of coaxing myself back to sleep) are starting to get on my nerves. Amazingly, I'm not as tired from this lack of sleep as I'd expect. When I was an obnoxious teenager, I told my mom I could never have kids because I like sleeping too much. I'd never be able to put up with the sleep deprivation. I meant it, too. I seriously did not think I was cut out for it. But now I see that your body truly adapts to not need as much sleep. If you'd told me (even a year ago) how much sleep I'd get over this past week, I'd have predicted I'd be in a coma, but actually, I'm surprisingly functional if I do say so myself. I mean, I'm not at the top of my game by any means, but I've been relatively alert, dressed, working and not biting anyone's head off. I know having a newborn will still push us both to the limits and then some, but I recognize and appreciate the steps my body is already taking to prepare me.

I continue to be enormous for my stage of pregnancy - always the overachiever. I have a doctor's appointment on Monday so we'll see if she mistakes me for a third trimester patient. It could happen. I'm only 5 pounds over my pre-IVF weight, which is right on track according to those weekly emails I get, but I think every last ounce went straight to my belly. I might post a picture one of these days, but every time I see anyone else's belly pics, I lose my nerve. I seem to be double, no triple the size of most 15-16 week pregnant women. I wonder if this baby is going to be 15 pounds when it's born.

I think we're going to do Hyp.nobirthing. I've been leaning toward it for a while and I finally bought the book. I want M to read it too to make sure she's on board, but from my obsessive and neurotic research, it seems to resonate most strongly for me, and to yield the highest success rates for natural births. I found a few instructors in my area but then heard from a friend of a friend who only read the book and used the CD and had one of those freakishly perfect birth experiences, so maybe the classes aren't necessary. I dunno. I have a feeling we're going to need all the help we can get since this kid is (apparently) going to be so ginormous.

We're working on names. We have a short list for a boy that we're both happy with but we're positively lost on girl names. We have a list of names that neither of us love but they're the best we've come up with. That is one thing about not finding out the sex - we have to do double-duty on name generation. Oh well, at least we have lots of time left. Looks like we may need it!

I'm alive

Thank you to dreams for the reminder that there is a whole world out there and that a handful of them might be thinking of me as I sleep my life away. As cheesy as this sounds, it's really heartwarming to know people are looking out for me.

All is well, as far as I know. Of course I'm still terrified something has gone wrong and my body doesn't know it and my OB will inform me of my missed miscarriage at my next appointment, but the worry seems to have receded a bit over the last few days (knock on wood). My belly continues to grow and I'm symptomatic as ever. My next appointment is coming up quickly (9/22) and I'm looking forward to another listen (or glimpse?) of that little heartbeat.

In loco parentis is here for a quick visit and she kept me up until 1am last night - no small feat, these days! I wish neither of us had personal experiences to contribute to a conversation about fertility and pregnancy struggles, but on the flip side, we've had some great talks about the insights our journeys have brought us and how both of us "getting it" has strengthened a friendship between us that was pretty darn good to start out with. I wish she could stay longer, but alas, she has a plane to catch and I just heard the suitcase zip up.

I'm really, really going to try not to be so flaky. Really. And if I disappear again, feel free to call me out on it. I know how scary it is when one of us becomes silent for a while. I will definitely post if anything awful happens - or really anything significant at all - so if you don't hear from me, it's fairly safe to assume I'm just sleeping. Again. Probably for like 12 hours at a time.