The envelope please...

I'm not pregnant. Cue break for painful, expensive test.

in limbo

I'm alternating between feeling really optimistic and being convinced it didn't work this time. I'm not testing for a few more days, but I'm getting there. My coworker and TTC cohort had a positive pregnancy test this morning for the second day in a row, and this morning's was a little darker than yesterday's so hormones levels seem to be moving in the right direction. She had a very early miscarriage on the last cycle she tried, so I'm so happy and excited for her, but I'd be lying if I said it was 100% easy to hear her news. This has been a challenging cycle for me because of how sick I've been from the meds and how overwhelming our lives have been over the last few weeks. It would just be really nice to have an outcome that would make all the pain and stress of the past month or so seem worth it. I can't say I'm not a little jealous of hers. Hopefully I'll have a matching positive of my own in a few days.

I'm more optimistic than not, but trying to prepare myself for a disappointment as well. Fortunately the next few days are busy so hopefully they will pass quickly.

Try #7

I'll probably go in on Thursday or Friday for round 7 of the super-fun-baby-making-extravaganza. Yay.

The Metformin I started last week made me sick, sick, sick, sick, SICK. I was soooo unimpressed. I told M if it was any indication of how morning sickness would be, I wasn't sure I'd make it! She reminded me I would feel a whole lot different if I was actually pregnant and there was a tangible reward coming at a (relatively) predetermined finish line. She's totally right.

I'm very disconnected from this cycle. I think it's because I mentally prepared myself to break this month, and I also think it's too soon for the Metformin to make a difference. I dunno, but apathy is actually kind of a welcome visitor during this process so I'm cool with it.

That said, I think 7 is a great number. Very lucky. The artist formerly known as the symbol (or whatever) has got to be on to something.

next steps

My period is due today, give or take (I actually expected it yesterday) and so far, nothing. However, I have a half a dozen negative pregnancy tests under my belt that tell me not to get my hopes up. I spent some time this weekend researching options and working on a "master plan", which is ridiculously OCD and I get that, but you gotta do what works to cope with this BS. For me, that's planning. I'm a planner to the core. For the first time, M and I started to discuss IVF as a realistic option, which is kinda sad and scary, but reassuring at the same time. There are bigger guns out there. We know what they are, and we know what we have to do to get there. Our current thinking puts us at IVF in December of this year if we don't get knocked up before then.

I also did some poking around regarding PCOS. I've asked the NP about it before, and she has dismissed my concerns because of my periods being so regular and all my hormone tests coming back fine. But when I sought out more information this weekend, I found that 25% of women diagnosed with PCOS have perfectly regular cycles and hormone levels, they just aren't actually releasing eggs. Irregular periods aren't diagnostic criteria, just one of many symptoms. And other than that, I have some form of most of the other symptoms. Anyway, there are a couple of random tests I haven't had yet that can indicate PCOS so I planned to request those, and also to talk to her about starting a couple of medications. This conversation did not go as well as I'd hoped and I don't have the energy to write all the details right now, although I should at some point so that I don't forget them. In the end, I left with one of the two prescriptions I wanted and blood drawn for the remaining diagnostic tests. I also left with a plan to take this month off (grrr) to get the darn HSG out of the way. She mentioned that once I schedule the HSG, she will call in an Rx for Vicodin, so that'll help. I'll also have to do a round of antibiotics because of the invasiveness of the procedure. *sigh*

So the plan is: Start Metformin and break for HSG this month. Next month, resume IUIs with NP. After 2-4 more IUIs (she recommends after 4 but will "consider" after 2 depending on how desperate I become - you can already see how this will end up), she will consider giving me a prescription for Clomid. She told me to stop even thinking about IVF for now as I am "too young and too healthy."

M and I will be having one of the most wanted children in the whole wide world.