the waiting game continues

OK, I feel like I've done a decent job of letting things flow through me for the last five days. I have managed to keep a respectable level of hopefulness despite the cold, desperate fear trying to claw it's way to the surface. I've even been downright optimistic at times, like this morning when I woke up to find my bra size seems to have gone up overnight, or yesterday afternoon when I felt undeniable tugging in my abdomen. I've allowed myself daydreams of pregnancy announcements (something I did at the very beginning but haven't in the looooong time since) and the name lists I filed away a year ago are back on the front burner, simmering contentedly. But we're not even halfway to the beta, and I can feel my buoyancy slowly slipping away.

The usual script is starting to play in my head - the one that reminds me we've had 21 months of no luck and I'm fooling myself if I think that will change now. My body has proven, time and time again, that pregnancy just isn't something it can accomplish. I know the story of That Woman, the one who tries for years, gives up completely, and then finds herself pregnant, but I feel like transplanting myself into that fantasy is akin to expecting to win the lottery. We all know it happens to someone, but we're idiots and doomed to disappointment if we stake anything tangible on it happening to us.

I tested this morning to make sure the trigger is out of my system. It is. That means I have a green light to test from here on out. I initially thought I could hold off until next weekend. Mmmm, not a chance. I'm just hoping to make it to the middle of next week. Wednesday will be 9 dp5dt, or the equivalent of 14 dpo. A test taken that day should be reliable. No need to wait any longer than that. I had hoped to delay testing until I had some time off work because I thought I could manage my emotions better that way. Ha! I can already tell I'll be a nervous wreck by Monday, if not sooner. I'm starting to feel every minute ticking by in anticipation of the time that we can have an answer - whatever it will be. I used to reach this same point in my other 2wws, where even a BFN feels more manageable than not knowing the outcome. The emotional demands of managing my hopes and fears as I float in limbo are, for me, the hardest of all I think. It's like I'm constantly reaching for one outcome or the other, then slapping my own hand and scolding myself back to center.

I'm at a loss to describe how desperately I want this to work. M and I have worked so hard for so long. I can't bear to think of what will happen if we find ourselves back at the starting line again.