Wednesday, November 29, 2006

I'm pretty sure I'm not pregnant. I haven't tested yet or anything, I'm just not feeling it. I'm worried about our timing and the amount of stress I've had the past couple of weeks. My temps were all over the place the week I ovulated, which is probably due to travel, time changes, and my sinus infection, but it is still making me have no confidence in my ovulation whatsoever. Here are the stats, for those who enjoy those type of details: According to my OPKs and monitor, I ovulated on 11/20 or 21, probably the 21st. According to the O pain I think I felt, I ovulated on the afternoon of 11/21, but I had lots of twinges over the next couple of days, so it's hard to rely on this much. According to my temps, I didn't ovulate until 11/23, but I already mentioned the validity problems there. Our last insem was 11/20 and the last insem I have confidence in (it's TMI - you do not want to know) was on 11/19.

Initially I thought I wouldn't test at all this cycle because I'm feeling so doubtful and I didn't want to see the negative test(s). Now that these two weeks are dragging along so slowly, I'm thinking that I will test because I'm ready for some kind of closure. Each day that I don't have a final answer is one more day I can be seduced by the "well, maybe..." and "it's not over until it's over" thoughts. It's taking a lot of effort on my part to maintain my pessimism! ;-) Granted, a negative test isn't 100%, but if I wait long enough to take it, it'll be reliable enough for me to move on mentally, I think. I dunno. We'll see what M and I feel like I doing one day at a time, I guess.

In the meantime, a thesis I have been working on...

Why K is/is not pregnant, according to the influential legal tenets of Mr. Murphy:

IS pregnant
- August in our part of the world is a very bad time/place to be 40 weeks pregnant.
- I have gained 10 lbs. since our wedding (~8 since Labor Day weekend - yeowch!) and it would be good to get back down to a more reasonable weight before I start adding baby and/or food craving pounds.
- I have a gut feeling that this cycle didn't work.
- I've been pretty lax about the PG rules (i.e. no wine, soft cheeses, etc.) - nothing over the top, but still more than I did in my last 2ww.
- I'm feeling generally disorganized and stressed out. It would be nice to have the opportunity to catch my breath and re-center myself.
- It would be a major hardship for my mom to come out for a delivery during the first two weeks of August (due date would be around 8/14).
- More time to build up savings is good. 'Nuff said. Ditto for paid leave at work.
- It would be pretty amazing if this cycle resulted in a pregnancy after the defective monitors, unclear O date, iffy insem, etc.
- Work is a zoo right now. Stress = bad.
- I have had nothing resembling a symptom at all, not even psychosomatic ones. Yes, it's super early, but still.

IS NOT pregnant
- It would be really, really, really cool to be able to announce a pregnancy to our parents at Christmas.
- The next 3 months look horrendous as far as business meeting opportunities. We'll be lucky if we can squeeze any in at all.
- This is the last cycle we could start a pregnancy that would likely deliver before M has to go back to school/internship in the fall.
- I don't want a fall baby. Aside from our own b-days, M and I already have about a thousand friends and relatives with b-days between 10/12 and 12/24. (This one might not count b/c M DOES want a fall baby, so I think we cancel each other out.)
- It would make my day to toss out the early AM temping and kiss my fertility monitor goodbye.

So, based on a preliminary analysis, the "IS pregnant" side has it. Interesting! In phase 2 of my study, I will attempt to weight the importance of the different variables. I have a feeling that may shift things significantly...

Monday, November 20, 2006


Well, we're cruising along here at KD's. I'm going to leave tomorrow and then there will be nothing to do but cross fingers for two weeks. I seem to have returned to my "this isn't going to work" attitude of a week or two ago, which sounds kind of depressing, but I think it's okay. Better to feel that way and be pleasantly surprised than the other way around. I should qualify that: It's not that I just think it's NOT going to work, but I feel very connected to the reality that we have a 20% chance of it working. Last time, I thought I had my head wrapped around that, but the negative tests showed me just how much I was blissfully - and inappropriately - optimistic.

I think our timing is good, despite several pitfalls in the biological surveillance I've been conducting. Due to being sick and traveling between time zones, my AM temps are less than useless so my charting is no help. I learned last time around to supplement my fertility monitor with ovulation predictor kits (OPKs) and I had not one, but TWO defective tests in the past 24 hours: one OPK and one monitor test strip. (You can tell they are defective when no control line shows up.) TMI factoid: You don't get a second chance to pee on a stick; not in the same time window. By the time you've realized a test stick isn't working, it's, well, too late to do one again. All you can do is start drinking water and wait a few hours. So... first defective OPK was yesterday evening, then defective monitor stick this morning at 6ish. I was positive I'd get a peak reading this morning, but since my monitor had no input, it just held me at high. (I realize this is probably Greek to most of you - stop reading when your eyes start blurring.) The good news is I did an OPK at 9am and it showed a major surge. Surges mean you should ovulate within the next 12-36 hours. *Sigh of relief* This means (A) the insems we've done so far have a decent chance of working on their own, and (B) tonight's "business meeting" will be especially well timed. Had I been able to see the whole picture up front, I would have skipped the meeting last night to give KD a night off and let him... well... generate additional power point slide animation (our new analogy for this trip), but oh well. The hardest part of all this is that the picture only becomes clear in the rear view mirror. If the OPK last night had showed I wasn't surging yet, we could have waited, but I didn't have that to go on at the time.

This time has been a lot easier for me emotionally. It's been a non-event, really. I had a split-second of "OMG!" during the first meeting of the trip, but it vanished as quickly as it came. As always, I'm totally in awe of KD and his wife and how wonderful they are about all of this. I am not your typical house guest by any stretch of the imagination.

Soooo, there's the scoop. Here's hoping the holiday season makes the next two weeks go faster than my last waiting period!

Friday, November 17, 2006


And the question is: "How is K feeling right now?"

Yup, I'm headed to KD's in T minus 16 hours and I have a raging sinus infection. That's very high on the list of "things not to fly with" these days, just ahead of bottled water and over 3 oz. of shampoo. The last thing I needed today was a reason to take more time off work, seeing as I'm taking next week off, but I knew I had to get some antibiotics in my system, so I caved and went to my primary care doctor this morning. I am now 1 dose into a Zpac and still feeling sinus-infection-yucky, but now I have antibiotic-side-effect-yucky icing on my cake. Super!

I AM glad that it is a sinus infection and not a recurrence of my dental infection. I was starting to have hyperchondriac fears of antibiotic resistant strains of bacteria setting up camp in my system. Just to make sure this was not the problem, I went to my dentist last night and had him x-ray the infection site. No infection there, so that is good. He did, however, find my unrelated sinus infection, and he also suggested I go to a chiropractor due to a misalignment of my neck which he thinks is causing the mega-headaches I've been having the past couple of weeks. (Yes, he's a very holistic dentist.) I had a mini-panic last night as all of this unfolded and I asked M if she thought I should cancel my trip. I was doubting that a pregnancy could take in a body as broken as mine. M reminded me that crack addicts get pregnant all the time, so I was probably okay. She's got a decent point. That girl has some good perspective.

So: Antibiotics for sinus infection... check. Chiro appointment for neck fixing... going in one hour. After this little tune up, I should be running well. If this doesn't bode well for conception, I don't know what does. Damn, I was trying not to get optimistic about this one. ;-)

In related and good news, my monitor showed a high reading this morning, meaning I *should* ovulate within the next couple of days. Hopefully not tomorrow (please!!), but Sunday or Monday would be perfect. I could come home a day early and go back to work next week. It would be nice not to have to use as much vacation, and get a little work done while I'm at it. The end of this month is going to be upon me very, very quickly.

I'll be sure to keep you all posted on baby-making, round 2!

Friday, November 3, 2006

I suppose it's time for an update

Unfortunately, I have 93% bad news to share. The reason my news is 93% bad is that is the efficacy of the pregnancy test I took yesterday which told me I am not pregnant. Couple this with the hardcore period cramps I'm having (the witch is due tomorrow) and it adds up to all kinds of disappointing.

That being said, I'm doing okay. I can't say I'm thrilled at the prospect of starting over from square one and dragging KD, his wife, and M through this whole circus again, but this is what we are faced with, apparently. The four of us will have to talk to determine when we even *can* try this all again, what with the holidays around the corner and all.

I was super bummed yesterday, but today I'm doing a much better job of remembering that most people don't get pregnant on the first shot, there's nothing wrong with me, etc., etc., etc. M is helping a lot, of course. It's funny, when we were teenagers they filled us with cautionary tales about how it only takes one time and it's so easy to get pregnant and all that jazz. Then, we try to get pregnant as 20-somethings and it turns out it's not quite as easy as the propaganda promised!

I can totally understand how this process can be hard on relationships. When I got that test result, the first thing that popped into my head - irrationally of course, but still - was "what is wrong with me?" I felt like we timed everything right, and KD had a thousand and one tests run so I know there's nothing wrong with him, so the only explanation is that my body is flawed somehow. I instantly started wondering which supplements I should be taking that I'm not, or whether I played too hard with the dog during the past week, or if I should see a doctor for more blood work. Intellectually, I know that it takes the average, healthy couple 4-6 months to get pregnant, but staring at that negative test, I realized how much I expected to be the exception to the rule. I suppose everyone does. I was so sure some kind of beginner's luck was going to sail me straight through. Anyway, I could see how easily an anxious partner could turn my question into "what is wrong with you?" and this whole business could get ugly quickly in a couple struggling with infertility. Sooo, having got all that crazy self-blame BS over with yesterday, I'm doing a lot better today.

My boss is convinced I'm giving up too early, and I know M is holding out a little bit of hope as well. Frankly, I love them for keeping up the faith. I just don't have the energy for it myself right now. The last 13 days have been so challenging, I'm just ready for an answer either way, and I feel confident enough that we have a final answer to move forward emotionally. Besides, if I'm wrong, what an unbelievably wonderful surprise, right? It's a win-win. I should admit in their defense, I do have some inexplicable symptoms that seem like something other than regular ol' PMS, but you didn't hear me say that. ;-)