Unfortunately, I have 93% bad news to share. The reason my news is 93% bad is that is the efficacy of the pregnancy test I took yesterday which told me I am not pregnant. Couple this with the hardcore period cramps I'm having (the witch is due tomorrow) and it adds up to all kinds of disappointing.
That being said, I'm doing okay. I can't say I'm thrilled at the prospect of starting over from square one and dragging KD, his wife, and M through this whole circus again, but this is what we are faced with, apparently. The four of us will have to talk to determine when we even *can* try this all again, what with the holidays around the corner and all.
I was super bummed yesterday, but today I'm doing a much better job of remembering that most people don't get pregnant on the first shot, there's nothing wrong with me, etc., etc., etc. M is helping a lot, of course. It's funny, when we were teenagers they filled us with cautionary tales about how it only takes one time and it's so easy to get pregnant and all that jazz. Then, we try to get pregnant as 20-somethings and it turns out it's not quite as easy as the propaganda promised!
I can totally understand how this process can be hard on relationships. When I got that test result, the first thing that popped into my head - irrationally of course, but still - was "what is wrong with me?" I felt like we timed everything right, and KD had a thousand and one tests run so I know there's nothing wrong with him, so the only explanation is that my body is flawed somehow. I instantly started wondering which supplements I should be taking that I'm not, or whether I played too hard with the dog during the past week, or if I should see a doctor for more blood work. Intellectually, I know that it takes the average, healthy couple 4-6 months to get pregnant, but staring at that negative test, I realized how much I expected to be the exception to the rule. I suppose everyone does. I was so sure some kind of beginner's luck was going to sail me straight through. Anyway, I could see how easily an anxious partner could turn my question into "what is wrong with you?" and this whole business could get ugly quickly in a couple struggling with infertility. Sooo, having got all that crazy self-blame BS over with yesterday, I'm doing a lot better today.
My boss is convinced I'm giving up too early, and I know M is holding out a little bit of hope as well. Frankly, I love them for keeping up the faith. I just don't have the energy for it myself right now. The last 13 days have been so challenging, I'm just ready for an answer either way, and I feel confident enough that we have a final answer to move forward emotionally. Besides, if I'm wrong, what an unbelievably wonderful surprise, right? It's a win-win. I should admit in their defense, I do have some inexplicable symptoms that seem like something other than regular ol' PMS, but you didn't hear me say that. ;-)
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