Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Where am I?

Oh lord, I don't know. I'm sad. Really, really sad. I sort of can't believe this is happening. I hate the way that sounds because I know so many of you have walked this path before me and it's not that I think I'm somehow different than you or immune to the blows you have fallen to but... actually, I guess I kind of did in a subconscious way. I thought my problem was Getting Pregnant, not Staying Pregnant. Once I had a couple of positive pregnancy tests under my belt, I considered the hard part to be behind me. Silly me, I should have realized that being 1 for 1 is just as likely dumb luck as anything else. I hope that this pregnancy was the exception to my body's rule and not Elliot's successful gestation, but I guess only time will tell.

I try not to engage in the Pain Olympics, but it's hard not to feel like a bit of a loser for being so leveled by this disappointment when many of you have stood gracefully on the other side of much worse. Good grief, I was pregnant for like five minutes. I've spent a lot of time today focusing on all I have to be grateful for. I am a very lucky woman. I just don't think I realized how much I wanted this pregnancy until I had it. Going into the FET, I thought we'd roll the dice and if it was negative, we'd break for a while to focus on some other stuff we have coming up and plan our next steps. When I got my BFP and started thinking about a 2011 baby (!!) and a two-and-a-half year age difference between our children, I kind of fell in love with it all. And then it was gone. And now I'm desperate - desperate - to try again, as much as the idea of another full IVF cycle makes me want to vomit.

M and I talked about money last night and came up with some options. I can't believe we're even considering another fresh cycle, but I don't know how to not consider it either. I think we may ask KD about TESE. He may say no, but I need to have asked. I am so head over heels for Elliot and as crazy as he makes me sometimes (ahem, today), I want another child with his exact hard-wiring. I know there's no way to parse out what is nature and what is nurture, and I also know enough about genetics to know that repeating the same equation does not produce the same outcome, but I want to at least roll the same dice if we can, you know? And if that isn't an option, we'll cross that bridge and it will be okay, but I'm not going there just yet.

In the meantime, I'm still having all kinds of symptoms and they're really pissing me off. I have always been really sensitive to biochemical changes - I react strongly to low doses of medications, etc. - and I guess this chemical pregnancy is pumping out just enough hormone to mess with me. I still have the full, twinge-y uterus feeling, the intermittent, mild queasiness, and the fatigue. This afternoon, I got terrible heartburn for the first time since I was pregnant with Elliot. All of these things combined with the fact that I didn't test this morning (so no fresh BFN to keep me grounded in reality) are messing with my head and causing me to fantasize about this all being a terrible misunderstanding. Faulty tests! Yeah, that's it! I'll go to my beta (rescheduled for Thursday, btw) and I'll die of shock when they call to congratulate me on my great number! Even as I type this, I know it's not true. I just need to get through these next couple of days and get some closure so I can stop torturing myself.

Thanks so much for all of your support and virtual hugs after my last post. I've read your comments over and over. The first few times through, they just made me cry, which is probably what I needed. After that, they reminded me of how lucky I am to have you all to lean on. I really don't know how people survive this stuff without a circle of friends to prop them up during hard times.


loveandchaosreign said...

I know how hard it is to engage in the pain olympics, but the reality is pain is pain, and this is yours.

The symptom thing was really hard for me too. You aren't alone - we've been there, and we are here for you. Many of us.

Heather said...

*hugs* yeah, the symptoms that linger are a real kick in the butt... Ugh, this all just totally sucks! I'm here for you if you need me. =/

anofferingoflove said...

your pain is your pain, and this one is very real. this was a huge loss, in so many ways, grieve all you need to.

i know know which women you are referring to who were able to "stand gracefully" through loss - i know it absolutely destroyed me. it was the *worst* time of my entire life. it's okay to feel leveled right now. ♥ ♥

it sounds like you have some good options for moving forward. is it okay if i am a little annoyed with your KD for not offering up a few vials before he went and got snipped? ;)

farmerfemme.com said...

you're doing the very hard work of getting through this, from where you were to where you'll be. you will reach the other side. i'm just so sorry. know that many of us are here, holding your hand as you cross.

Inlocoparentis said...

This is a huge loss, period. You are right to be leveled by it. I am here for you.