Tuesday, February 15, 2011

the weight is unbearable today

My FET buddy had her ultrasound today; the day I would have had mine if the pregnancy had stuck. She is pregnant with twins. She has two perfect, healthy babies growing inside of her and I have none. I truly thought I was prepared for this but I wasn't. I feel like I can't breathe. If I am this torn apart now, how will I survive when those babies are born?

I had a great post planned for yesterday - a shiny, happy, "making lemonade" post. But I never got around to writing it and I really wish I had because it would be such a welcome oasis in this wasteland of a blog. Maybe I will get to it tonight but probably not. At this point, it's probably best put off for a different day anyway.

9 comments:

Trinity said...

Aww, fuck lemonade, K. Perhaps lemonade another day, but not today. And that is totally okay. You will survive this, and you will survive when those babies are born. You will survive with the love and partnership of M, and you will survive with the support and care of your blog friends. Your blog is NOT a wasteland, friend. It already is quite the oasis for many of us in its insight and authenticity.

Keeping you close in my thoughts and sending a warm hug...

loveandchaosreign said...

Oh honey. I know these feelings all too well. And it's ok to have the breath taken out of you by it. And it will pass. And something else will take the breath out of you again. And it's all so so so hard. Just know, we are here to support you. And let you know you aren't alone. And it is survivable. Hugs hugs hugs.

N said...

As PP has said, your blog is not a wasteland. And it's a place for your feelings, even if those feelings are kind of (and justifiably so) crap. Much love to you. One day at a time. ♥

Katie said...

Sending you a virtual hug. Sorry it all has to be so hard. Sometimes the universe just sucks. :(

Katie

Crazy Lesbian Mom said...

As people are commenting, your blog is certainly not a wasteland, and I hope you continue using it as a means of expression.

My thoughts are with you...

tireegal68 said...

dearest K,
I saw the title and came running to read your post. As I was waiting for it to load I was hoping that it was a funny post about weight as in chub. That's just me wanting to skip over the pain part onto the lemonade part. Lots of people care and want to hold your hand while you walk in this painful place. Me and lots of others. Your blog is not a wasteland, ditto to what everyone else has said. But pain is pain and you have this to go through right now when you want to be celebrating your own perfect ultrasound not mourning its loss.
I am so sorry and sad that you have to go through this to give E a sibling and to complete your family.
(I am able to write all this on my puter because Isobel is actually sleeping ( new sleep schedule). (YAY!))
Anyway, to reiterate, as I like to do a lot, we are here, you are there and we will help you through it, just as you will find the strength from somewhere to make this journey hand in hand with M and E and your next little family member. ((HUGS))

anofferingoflove said...

i cant think of anything better to say than what the first commenter said... "aww, fuck lemonade, k." for today (and for as long as you need) it is okay to be sad.

my SIL and i had due dates a week apart ... until i miscarried. i felt the same way you are feeling now, wondering how i would survive her pregnancy, how i would ever look at her kid without pain. its fucking hard, but it will get better - i promise. ♥♥♥

Pomegranate said...

I'm so sorry. As others have said, it's okay to be hurting. This hurts.

Please don't hesitate to blog about your lows. That's what we're here for.

((hugs))

Inlocoparentis said...

Sending love your way.