Wednesday, February 9, 2011


I feel myself slipping into the quicksand. I do this. My mom said that even as a tiny child, I was like a dog with a bone once I got something in my head. I'd like to put the worry to rest, I just... can't.

Newest development as of Monday night: There are no remaining vials of KD's sperm on this planet. But we knew that already, right? Yes and no. Yes, we received this news over the summer and I grieved it mightily at that time. But then a few weeks ago, I read this sentence on KD's post about his vasectomy (on his blog I'd forgotten existed): WifesName and I aren't going to be having any children, but should it be necessary, there is some genetic material stored for those who may need or want it. I'm sorry... what? That's us, right?! It was like a ray of light, albeit a filtered one. On one hand, it couldn't possibly be referring to what I hoped because surely he'd have told us about it and sent us a bill for storage but on the flip side, he has generously absorbed minor expenses before and what else could it possibly mean? The FET was just around the corner so I tried to strike a balance of holding onto this possibility (so as not to implode from the pressure of our "last chance" FET cycle) but not putting any weight into it until we knew what it actually meant. M asked him point-blank on Monday whether he banked anything prior to his procedure and the answer is no, there is nothing saved. I'm crushed. Again. Looks like I didn't do as good a job of suspending my hope as I thought I did.

My next task was to start researching MESA, TESE, and all of those other male factor treatments every lesbian couple should have a foolproof exemption from. The RE said we'd talk about these at our WTF appointment on 2/17, but that is practically a lifetime away. It's a minor procedure - no more invasive than the vasectomy he's already had - but I can't imagine he'll agree to do it for us. That statement is partially genuine (I am truly afraid this will be where he draws the line) and partially just me trying to prepare myself for the worst. History shows me this preparation is useless. I'll still be destroyed if he says no, so why am I bothering to worry about it now? And that is what I came here to write about before I was hit by a case of verbal (er, digital) diarrhea.

It's time to put down the worry. There will be plenty of time to worry and grieve if what I fear actually comes to pass. I have collected a handful of quotes over the years that challenge this charming personality trait of mine, and I'm feeling the need to have them all in one place so I can read them 10 or 20 or 1000 times a day while I wait for the next chapter to unfold. So without further ado...

We are more disturbed by a calamity which threatens us than by one which has befallen us. ~John Lancaster Spalding


Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.  If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.  ~Arthur Somers Roche


We can easily manage if we will only take, each day, the burden appointed to it.  But the load will be too heavy for us if we carry yesterday's burden over again today, and then add the burden of the morrow before we are required to bear it.  ~John Newton


That the birds of worry and care fly over you head, this you cannot change, but that they build nests in your hair, this you can prevent.  ~Chinese Proverb


The bridges that you cross before you come to them are over rivers that aren't there. ~Gene Brown


Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow; it empties today of its strength.  ~Corrie Ten Boom


N said...

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this at all. ♥

jessie said...

I'm a worrier too. So sorry.

Katie said...

Love those quotes, K. Very apropos.

I have to say I'm left wondering what the heck your KD was referring to in his blog. And I also find myself pretty mad at him for "assuming" that you were all set and just getting a vasectomy w/o telling you, or asking if you needed more sperm. I know I don't know you IRL, but in case it helps, I'm pissed off on your behalf! :)