Monday, January 31, 2011

too good to be true

After that beautiful digital test on Saturday morning, I switched back to the two line variety to reassure myself until my beta on Wednesday... and this is how I watched my pregnancy slip right through my fingers. It looks like a chemical this time around. I couldn't detect a second line at all this morning, so my only hope is that my beta is low enough on Wednesday that I don't have to come back again a week later.

I still have symptoms - now all progesterone and/or mentally induced, it seems. The strongest of the pack is the cramping which I guess is my body trying to expel the non-viable Little Engine but the progesterone is keeping it in, and the thought of that battle going on makes me sick to my stomach.

I'm shocked by how quickly I pinned hopes to that embryo, and how painful this is as a result. A chemical pregnancy is a new one for me. In all of our cycles of trying, we never had a BFP until the one that stuck. Until now, my body had never failed to hold on to a pregnancy. Now I have a new inadequacy to add to my collection.

Sadly, the only thing I can think to do to stop the hurting is to try again - now, today - and we can't. We have no more snowbabies. I used to think having to go through another fresh IVF cycle would be terrible, but now I'd start shooting up stims today if they'd let me. But it's not an option for so many reasons. We now have big decisions to make about sperm, and that's not a process I want to rush. Even if there was an easy answer there, we have no infertility coverage and we can't afford another fresh cycle right now. All there is to do now is to sit with the grief, and wait and hope for beta results that give us clear and swift resolution.

19 comments:

Elise said...

Oh K, I am so deeply sorry.

Laurie said...

Shit. I am so sorry. :(

Trinity said...

My heart is aching for you guys. I am so genuinely sorry, K. I know this is unbearable, and I hate that for you. There is such a complex layering of loss in this, and my words feel so pathetically inadequate. I fucking hate that this is your reality right now.

So, so, so sorry... Keeping you close in my thoughts...

Inlocoparentis said...

It was literally a punch to the gut when I read this. I am so, so devastated for you guys. Please know I love you dearly and am thinking of you.

anofferingoflove said...

oh k....

my eyes just filled up with tears. i am so, so, so sorry to hear this news. my heart is broken.

i know there are no words of comfort right now. just know i am thinking of you and sending you much love. xoxo

loveandchaosreign said...

Oh K. No. I'm so so sorry.

Please...email if you want to talk or vent.

kimberleyap@gmail.com

Strawberry said...

I am so sorry. :(

N said...

I'm so so sorry.

wishinghopingpraying said...

K, I am so very very sorry. I know this hurts on so many levels. I am thinking of you and sending love your way.

reproducinggenius said...

K, I am so very sorry this is happening. Sending peace and healing to you.

tireegal68 said...

Oh K, I read the header and waited without breathing for the post to load on my phone. This is so sad on so many levels. I know you have a lot to contemplate. I hope you and M can take some time to grieve this together and then I hope that an amazing hope filled plan comes next. (( hugs))

J and DZ said...

I am so sorry. ):

Pomegranate said...

I am so, so sorry to hear this news.

Katie said...

K, that sucks. I am so sorry to hear that. I have been there and I can say I know exactly how that feels, even in just a day or two you can get very attached and it is very hard to lose it. I know that probably most people wouldn't have even known they were pg at all, but for those of us who invest so much, emotionally and financially, in each try, the elation followed so soon by the crash is heartbreaking. Hugs to you.

tbean said...

Oh K, I am so sorry. I didn't even have a chance to leave my congratulations, I was so happy when I saw your last post. So sorry this one didn't stick around and now there are so many Big Decisions to be made. Hugs to you my friend.

jessie said...

Oh k. I'm so so so sorry to see this. Big hugs. I'm working through the difficult sperm stuff now. Big love to you.

veeandjay said...

I'm so gutted to read this. Heartbreaking for you both.

Emily said...

bah I'm sorry :(

Farmer Femme said...

my heart hurts so much for you. i'm sorry love.