too good to be true

After that beautiful digital test on Saturday morning, I switched back to the two line variety to reassure myself until my beta on Wednesday... and this is how I watched my pregnancy slip right through my fingers. It looks like a chemical this time around. I couldn't detect a second line at all this morning, so my only hope is that my beta is low enough on Wednesday that I don't have to come back again a week later.

I still have symptoms - now all progesterone and/or mentally induced, it seems. The strongest of the pack is the cramping which I guess is my body trying to expel the non-viable Little Engine but the progesterone is keeping it in, and the thought of that battle going on makes me sick to my stomach.

I'm shocked by how quickly I pinned hopes to that embryo, and how painful this is as a result. A chemical pregnancy is a new one for me. In all of our cycles of trying, we never had a BFP until the one that stuck. Until now, my body had never failed to hold on to a pregnancy. Now I have a new inadequacy to add to my collection.

Sadly, the only thing I can think to do to stop the hurting is to try again - now, today - and we can't. We have no more snowbabies. I used to think having to go through another fresh IVF cycle would be terrible, but now I'd start shooting up stims today if they'd let me. But it's not an option for so many reasons. We now have big decisions to make about sperm, and that's not a process I want to rush. Even if there was an easy answer there, we have no infertility coverage and we can't afford another fresh cycle right now. All there is to do now is to sit with the grief, and wait and hope for beta results that give us clear and swift resolution.