Friday, January 21, 2011

and now we wait

I know I said I planned to go this one alone, but as it turns out, I need your help.

Transfer was this morning. We thawed all five embryos at the embryologist's insistence with the intent to transfer the best two and refreeze any extras that survived. We did end up with two to transfer, but they were not in good company; none of the other three were viable. One had no visible cells post-thaw, another looked good but had arrested, and the third was growing but had over 30% fragmentation. The two we transferred were described as just "...fine" and that is by our RE who is nothing if not bubbly and optimistic. Both were hatched, but one had "some" fragmentation, and the whole discussion felt so-so at best.

There is one bit of "news" I've withheld from you and that is because it was simply too scary for me to acknowledge or put words to. A few months ago, we learned KD had a vasectomy. So, these three lost snowbabies and the two inside were and are our last chances for a full bio-sibling for E. No pressure.

I have been really optimistic about our chances of success on this FET. Probably more optimistic than the situation warranted, truth be told. When I saw the two flashes of light on the ultrasound screen, I started crying. I couldn't articulate why any more than I could make it stop. The last time I remember that happening to me was when I saw my grandmother for the last time before she died. I was only in town for a couple of days and we had somewhere else to be so my parents were trying to hurry the visit along. I demanded to stay longer and when I finally left, I had the same uncontrollable and unexplainable tears. She passed away a few months later but that was the last time I saw her and I've always wondered if my heart knew something that day that my mind didn't. I had a similar sensation while looking at those flashes of light today and as crazy as it sounds, I find myself wondering if it's because it was the last time I'd get to see those two little stars.

There's nothing to do but wait now and I truly believe that it helps to feel optimistic, but I'm struggling to find any hope to hold onto. After the transfer that brought us Elliot, I felt on top of the world and I just knew that things were going to turn around for us. Today, I feel heavy with worry and grief. Please, if you have any FET or poor-quality embryo success stories to share, I would really, really like to hear them. Beta is scheduled for 2/2 but I will probably test in a week. Any good thoughts you can spare would be appreciated more than you know.

20 comments:

loveandchaosreign said...

Wow. I know how hard this is. I know how scary it is. Many many good thoughts for you. I've got a hope flag, and I will fly it as high as I can. xoxo

jessie said...

Much love and many many good baby vibes coming your way.

Pomegranate said...

I don't have any good embryo stories to share, but I'm thinking of you and rooting for one or both of these snowbabies to settle in for the long haul.

Stick thoughts!

wishinghopingpraying said...

Truckloads of good thoughts headed to you. I truly hope in about 9 months you get to see one or two of those beautiful flashes of light in person.

Elise said...

Have hope - look what it got you last time! I've been wishing you the best and won't stop.

N said...

Waiting with you, and holding your hand, even if it is virtually. <3

Heather said...

I'll be thinking of you. Too bad you couldn't get a sample or two to freeze before KD got the vasectomy.

bags and bags of sticky dust is headed your way.

1invermillion said...

Wishing you so much luck that this works out. There is still a good shot. And even if it doesn't, all is not lost. Your kids are so much more than their genetic make-up. But I do hope you don't have to go through it again.

Emily said...

best of luck

Inlocoparentis said...

Sorry I'm late to post - I've been thinking of you and sending every good vibe I had to offer. I have so much faith and hope, my friend!

Wishing 4 One said...

Thinking of you.. I am feeling that was NOT the last time you'll see your little ones, rather the first of many to come.

anofferingoflove said...

oh hon, i wish things had gone picture-perfect and you weren't filled with worry. i will keep my fingers crossed for you. our little bird was a FET, so i know they can work.

and ouch! re: the vasectomy. that sucks he didn't offer up another sample or two before getting that done. ((()))

Trinity said...

I have a heart full of hope for you guys, K. I wish I had some magic worry-abating wisdom to share, but all I have is a hand to hold. Thinking of you and wishing like hell for some FET sticky success...

Big hug...

Luisa said...

my embryo's were always so shitty that they kept imploding on me, first fresh go this meant imploded divided and two short lived heartbeats, then failed thaws when they kept imploding straight out of the deep freeze and then another freshy that divided and became the two honeys sleeping upstairs. so crappy embies can and do work, at least your fellas made the thaw - that's the first hurdle. I'm so hopng for a successful cycle for you, I'll send over some positive thoughts for the little guys or gals.
I so wish you could have had smooth sailing though.

Emily said...

We transferred two so-so embryos full of debris and some fragmentation. I am now the mom to two twin girls! Keep your head up!!

veeandjay said...

Oh honey. For the stakes to be so unexpectedly high must be scary and upsetting. I have a good feeling about this though and will be hoping hard for you and those little stars - something tells me you'll be growing to love their little imperfections for many years to come.

sonja said...

We transferred 3 poor quality embryos and I'm now the mother of healthy quadruplets (one embryo split). There IS hope!!

Meegs said...

No experience with FET, but wanted to send you all my growing/implanting/baby-becoming ju-ju. I'm crossing my fingers and I'll keep the faith for you!!

Chickenpig said...

Oh, I have a story for you :) Our 4th round of IVF was a FET. I had gotten pregnant during the previous fresh cycle, but had miscarried at 8 weeks. We had 4 remaining embryos, but two didn't survive the thaw. The remaining two were the worst I had ever transferred. A 4 cell grade C with some fragmentation and a 6 celled one with lots of fragmentation. All of the previous 6 embryos I had transferred had been 8 celled beauties. My RE held out no hope at all and he had always been incredibly optimistic. To make a long story short, I had two healthy boys born 38 weeks later :). All I can say is that what doctors DON'T know about the reproductive process can fill oceans. All they know are the bare-bones mechanics of how to get eggs and sperm together...the rest remains a mystery.

hang in there :)

amiracle4us said...

Here from LFCA...It only takes one persistent one to keep on growing. I have been told repeatedly that although they don't look 'perfect', doesn't mean they won't work. Just like some that are 'perfect' won't work. Best of luck!