I know I said I planned to go this one alone, but as it turns out, I need your help.
Transfer was this morning. We thawed all five embryos at the embryologist's insistence with the intent to transfer the best two and refreeze any extras that survived. We did end up with two to transfer, but they were not in good company; none of the other three were viable. One had no visible cells post-thaw, another looked good but had arrested, and the third was growing but had over 30% fragmentation. The two we transferred were described as just "...fine" and that is by our RE who is nothing if not bubbly and optimistic. Both were hatched, but one had "some" fragmentation, and the whole discussion felt so-so at best.
There is one bit of "news" I've withheld from you and that is because it was simply too scary for me to acknowledge or put words to. A few months ago, we learned KD had a vasectomy. So, these three lost snowbabies and the two inside were and are our last chances for a full bio-sibling for E. No pressure.
I have been really optimistic about our chances of success on this FET. Probably more optimistic than the situation warranted, truth be told. When I saw the two flashes of light on the ultrasound screen, I started crying. I couldn't articulate why any more than I could make it stop. The last time I remember that happening to me was when I saw my grandmother for the last time before she died. I was only in town for a couple of days and we had somewhere else to be so my parents were trying to hurry the visit along. I demanded to stay longer and when I finally left, I had the same uncontrollable and unexplainable tears. She passed away a few months later but that was the last time I saw her and I've always wondered if my heart knew something that day that my mind didn't. I had a similar sensation while looking at those flashes of light today and as crazy as it sounds, I find myself wondering if it's because it was the last time I'd get to see those two little stars.
There's nothing to do but wait now and I truly believe that it helps to feel optimistic, but I'm struggling to find any hope to hold onto. After the transfer that brought us Elliot, I felt on top of the world and I just knew that things were going to turn around for us. Today, I feel heavy with worry and grief. Please, if you have any FET or poor-quality embryo success stories to share, I would really, really like to hear them. Beta is scheduled for 2/2 but I will probably test in a week. Any good thoughts you can spare would be appreciated more than you know.