Thursday, April 5, 2007

The slow turning of the gears

No definitive end to this cycle yet, but I know it's coming. I had the negative test on Tuesday, and my temps have continued to fall, so I know we're out of the running. If there are no changes before tomorrow morning, I'll test again so I can call the NP and let her know the results, but I'd be surprised if I get to that point.

Tuesday was hard. I mostly thought I was doing okay, and then I went to a meeting with a colleague who is 8 months pregnant and another whose daughter is nearly 18 months old (she and her partner got pregnant on their second IUI). The woman who is 8 months pregnant now got married the month before M and I did. I supposed it's possible she and her husband had to "try," but seeing as they got pregnant less than 3 months after they were married, it doesn't seem there was much work involved on their end. Perhaps I shouldn't make assumptions.

Anyway, I found myself sitting in that meeting feeling really bitter and intolerant towards the both of them, which was a first for me and marks a point I never wanted to get to. I am on an online discussion board that has segregated itself into "newbies", "tweens", and "old codgers". This division happened a couple of months after I joined because the older members got too frustrated reading the bouncy exuberance of new members, especially when they got BFPs on their first time out of the gate. There is a clear heirarchy wrapped up in it as well. Those who are most invested in the separate threads claim it is just to have space for the different conversations that evolve throught the TTC process, but that's not how it actually functions. The "newbies" get a lot of flack. I totally get this. I mean, if you've been TTC for a year and you don't have a baby on the way to show for it, you should at least get seniority in the TTC forums, and all the trappings that go along with that, even if that means you occassionally flex your muscles at someone else's expense. But I digress. So, I'm technically a "tween" now, by dates, but I have so far boycotted the "tween" thread on principle. I value the idea of staking out space for people that are in different places on their journey to vent and get support, and I'm glad it's there for folks that want that, but the movement to the "tween" thread implies something I'm not comfortable with (yet): That my journey has evolved to the point where I can no longer celebrate other's success without a corresponding bitterness or frustration about my own situation. I feel like if this process takes me to a place where I can no longer share in someone else's joy, I've lost too much of my spirit and it's time to reassess. Anyway, I had my first glimpse of those feelings on Tuesday, and it shook me up a bit.

Back to the meeting. The mom of the 18 month old stopped me afterward to ask how things are going. (She's a friend and the one who referred me to our NP, so she's aware of our process.) I surprised both of us by getting all teared up as I told her I'd tested negative that morning and I knew we were on to try #5. That was the first BFN I've gotten teary over since the first one, and I really didn't know it was in there until it was too late. I was still feeling really awful when I got in my car to go home. I'd been flirting with the idea of going back to Weight Watchers, but kept putting it off because you have to quit if you get pregnant, and I didn't want to go to all the trouble to get registered and pay when I was going to have to drop out in a week or two anyway (you know, 'cause I was going to be pregnant this time for sure!). Anyway, I realized all of the sudden that Weight Watchers would be the perfect place for me to go that night. I need to get the stress eating under control (now more than ever), and I would really like to have the chance to fit back into some of my clothes before my preggo belly outgrows them again. WW is good for these goals. And for bonus points: It's a positive thing that I'm not even allowed to do while pregnant, making it the perfect silver lining to my BFN. Now I have at least a full month to concentrate on WW before the have a chance to kick me out. :-) While in the meeting, I realized another really good thing about starting WW on that particular day. WW offers something I really need right now; possibly the thing I need most right now. It offers the feeling that I have some control over my body. One of the greatest challenges of TTC is the realization that I have zero control over that aspect of my body, and it doesn't matter how many scientific or anecdotal "tricks" I employ. When it comes down to it, I can not make myself get pregnant. But, I can make myself lose weight and be healthier. That is something I can control. Not only will doing those things make me feel better about myself (and not have to spend all my money on a new and larger wardrobe), but they can only help on the TTC journey as well. It's a win-win-win situation.

By Tuesday night at home, I was feeling a LOT better. I still think this process sucks @ss, but I've also regained my conviction to stay away from the "tween" thread... at least for a little while longer. :-)

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