Ups and Downs

My co-worker who is also TTC had 2 lines on her pregnancy test this morning. At my urging, she hurried over to her doctor for a beta and she just got the results. Her HCG level was 147. The average for her cycle day is about 120, so she's in really good shape. Despite the pity party to come in the next paragraph, I am really, *really* happy for her. Until I went to my doctor's appointment a couple of hours ago (more in a moment), I was bouncing out of my seat I was so excited for her. She's been trying for a couple of months longer than M and I and she's nearly 10 years older than us, so it's a relief to see her succeed at this. I literally got goosebumps when she told me.

Then I went to my doctor's appointment, and now I'm back to thinking TTC is complete and total bullshit and a hopeless endeavor to boot. (Catastrophizing? Me??) I'm an idiot and forgot not to eat anything this morning so I couldn't get the fasting blood test. The NP said she wouldn't recommend it for me anyway as she's fairly sure it would come back normal. I was able to get the other blood test I wanted. It's amazing how much of a non-event needle sticks have become to me. A year ago, I would have done just about anything to avoid them. Now I don't even notice them anymore. But I digress. I also talked to the NP about the HSG and other diagnostic options. I found out that she will not do an insemination in the same month as I have the HSG (the pros are divided on this one - some will, some won't), so that means another month off if we decide to do it. It's really too bad I didn't press this issue this cycle because this month would have been a perfectly convenient month to take off instead of making a last minute trip to KD and having to tell our parents what's going on. It would be good to have the HSG soon so that we can avoid throwing more money down the TTC drain if there is a problem, but it means paying a huge chunk of money and taking a whole month off. I just don't know if I can do that mentally right now. I'll have to see what M thinks.

In the "I'm a big dummy and I'm getting my hopes up despite all odds" category: I had some serious lightheadedness last night. The women on one of my boards swear by that as a sign of implantation, although I have my doubts. I have also been crazy emotional for the last few days and it would be wonderful to be able to chalk this up to hormone stuff and not a personality defect. This has been a really rough cycle for me all around though, so it could just be the emotional aftermath of all that. Maybe it's all just catching up with me.

I can't believe I have to wait another week before I can test. :-(