Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Getting back to this, finally.

Last Wednesday was pretty rough. I'd only realized a week or so earlier that I would have to make a trip to KD at all this month. That was the first foil, and it did not play well with my little OCD problem. I have researched and planned and arranged this whole process to excess, and nowhere on my radar did I see a trip to KD this month. So that was a shock. I had a couple of important meetings last week that made travel arrangments tough. One (the Wednesday 3pm) meeting was a statewide teleconference that I was facilitating, so that one wasn't going anywhere. I rescheduled the Friday meeting and booked an early flight out Thursday morning. All obstacles aside, I would have preferred to go Wednesday, but I really wasn't worried about going Thursday. Thursday was day 14 of my cycle, and over the past year, I've ovulated on day 15, 16 or 17 almost every time.

The cramping started around 5pm on Wednesday and when it hadn't let up by about 7:30pm, I was approaching panic. I don't have ovulation pains every month, but when I do, they last for 2-3 hours and coincide with all the other signs that tell me I'm ovulating right then. I was pretty sure we were done. I went on the Southwest website to find out if I could still cancel a flight I'd already checked in for, and I could, so there was a tough decision to be made. The expense in question was a $400 flight plus whatever other expenses I would accrue during a weekend of traveling. Could I justify spending that if my gut told me we'd missed the window? Under normal circumstances, yes, but considering that we've spent $2000 on our dog in the last month, it seemed a little irresponsible. I was leaning toward not going, and this was the point at which I lost it. I didn't want to have to take a month off and I felt there was NOTHING I could do to salvage this cycle. I could not believe how delicate our timing was - that I could do so much tracking and planning and still have the rug pulled out from under me at the last second. This quickly ballooned into me wondering what was wrong with me that I was spending so much money and putting M and I through so much stress for something that is so totally out of our control. For the first time, I told M I was "done." It truly felt like there was NO WAY to get all the puzzle pieces together at any one time and I was feeling really stupid for how much we've already invested - emotionally and financially. We've talked a lot about moving closer to KD lately - I just figured we were stupid to try any more until that happened so we wouldn't be at the mercy of all the long-distance logistics.

There was a lot of crying, and in hindsight, I think it was good. It released a lot of tension that has been building up over the past 6 months. Also in hindsight, I'm surprised I didn't go through a brief "I'm done!" phase sooner. I knew this process might be long and there could be lots of ups and downs. It feels more healthy/appropriate to the process that I should flip out every once in a while. Post-meltdown, I feel better but definitely not 100%. I'm more resigned to this taking a while, and the fact that it's time to step up the intervention, and these things make me sad. I know this sounds really cheesy, but I feel like I'm mourning the loss of my perception of myself as this young, fertile person who would have no trouble getting pregnant.

On the brighter side of things, I had a delightful talk with the cryobank near KD this morning. They sound about 2000% more enlightened and easy to work with than my local bank, and they're cheaper, too. Woo hoo! :-) I don't think it will be any problem to move forward with them, so that is a relief. I also have an appointment with the NP on Friday to check hormone levels and possibly schedule an HSG for next month. There are lots of options available to me, and I'm doing fine now, really. I just wanted to get last week's episode down somewhere so that in a few years when we're blissfully happy with #1 and considering #2, I can remember what the process *actually* was like rather than the nostalgic, fictionalized account I'm sure I'll carry with me.

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