preparing to receive the torch

First, a word of caution: This is exactly the type of blog entry that was the most gut-wrenching for me to read when I was ttc. So for those of you who are still waiting for your overdue BFPs to arrive, I invite you to skip this post if you're feeling fragile today, or even if you aren't. I understand. I remember those feelings so well, and I'm sending lots of hugs and hopes your way.

On Monday, we were riding high on the wake of our great beta number so we went out to dinner to celebrate. We started talking about things we'd been too nervous to discuss during the preceeding week: choosing a name, setting up the nursery, and what to do about early baby visitors. We are unlucky enough to live more than halfway across the country from our parents, siblings and other family members, so there will be no "dropping in for the afternoon" after the baby is born. We will either have Visitors or No Visitors. We've heard of people instituting a no-visitor policy for the first week, which I feel like I could get behind if our parents could be at the hospital when the baby is born, then disappear for a few days until we summon them again, but it's not as easy to implement when coming and going requires an expensive full day of air travel. Also, I really want at least my mom there for the delivery, and I would feel really crappy depriving any of our parents of that less-than-a-day-old baby magic (remember, first grandchild on both sides) so just having them wait and come out a week after the birth isn't going to work for us. What makes this decision even harder is that, as first-timers, we have no clue how we are going to feel or what we are going to need. Are we going to want hour upon hour of sacred space for our new family of three to get to know each other and bond? Are we going to be dirty and starved and desperate for anyone to hold our screaming, writhing bundle so we can eat and take a shower? Are our parents going to feel valuable and supportive or intrusive and underfoot? Hard to say.

Anyway, as always, M came up with the perfect solution, and this is the part that I wanted to write about when I started this post. Of course this may change a hundred times between now and March, but it feels really good for right now. All the parents can come out at the first signs of labor, but they have to get hotel rooms for the duration of their visit so that we can send them away if we need some space. The tentative plan will be for my mom to stay with us for the first few nights, but since she and my dad will have a hotel room nearby, we can play that part by ear. I am a confessed crier - happy, sad, you name it - but I really haven't cried since getting our BFP. I'm sure I'm saving it all up for the first ultrasound or something. But when M was talking about why she thought my mom should stay with us, I found myself getting all teary-eyed at the restaurant table. She said that to her it feels "organic" for my mom to be by my side and to get me through those first few days of motherhood, like that is "how things should be done." She said it goes back to it taking a village and it just feels so important to her for me to have my mom there, teaching me to be a mother, as women have done for one another forever. Listening to her talk, I realized what a powerful image that was, and it kind of made everything that is to come for us hit home. In eight short months, my mother and I will be hovering over a screaming infant and she will be teaching me how to soothe and calm and nurture, as she has always done for me. The idea of it floods me with emotion, even now.

As far as everything else, we've been pretty much on top of the world since Monday's beta result, nausea, exhaustion and frequent urination notwithstanding. No, you know what? Those are pretty freaking cool too. I love each and every symptom, no matter how crappy they make me feel, because they remind me that things are on track and this is actually happening. My weirdest symptom? I wake up EVERY NIGHT at 3am, give or take 10 minutes. You could practically set a clock by it. It makes no difference what time I go to sleep the night before. Sometimes I have to pee, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I'm overheated, sometimes I'm not. Sometimes the cat is sleeping on my head, sometimes he isn't. There doesn't seem to be any consistent cause. Usually I have no trouble going back to sleep. Last night I was up until 4:45am before I managed to doze off again. So weird. And I love it.