a few of my favorite things

There were many kindnesses shown during our IVF cycle that warmed my heart, made me laugh, and/or brought me to tears. I am nearly at a loss for words to describe how uplifting it has been to rediscover just how wonderful our family and friends are, and how humbling it is to know that they are ours; that these people have chosen us to share in their lives. I am not sure that I have said thank you enough, or that I even could, but their gestures have meant the world to me and I thought I would share a few with you here:

• When we were gearing up for our cycle and staring in disbelief at the list of medications we would need to pay for OOP, a wonderful woman that I know only through an online community offered us a large amount of Follistim that she has had saved in her fridge since her successful cycle. Her insurance covered all of it and, per her email to me, she has just been waiting for the right person to pass her good fortune (pun intended) along to. M and I were blown away by her offer, but after quite a bit of logistics research that I won’t get into, we ended up turning it down. Still, her gesture lingers in my mind as a true and uncommon act of generosity.

• The day before our egg retrieval, our dear friend over at In Loco Parentis posted this. The first time I saw it, I read it three times in a row. I have since returned and reread it when my spirit needed a lift. I believe that shared history must be one of the greatest treasures there is. On top of that, to have this friend who knows me inside and out - that I have leaned on through many of the most difficult times in my life over the last 10 years – to have her going through ttc herself (and therefore “getting it”) has been a lifesaver.

• During the dreaded 2ww, a mystery package arrived on our front doorstep. I brought it inside, opened it up, and found… cupcakes! 12 of them, to be precise, accompanied by generous vats of my two favorite icing flavors (one being quite random and hard to find) so that I could over-dress them to my heart’s content. There was no gift card or packing slip to let me know who had ordered them. The mystery actually made them seem all the more magical – as if they had arrived out of thin air. Eventually, my curiosity got the better of me and I emailed the company. Turns out they were a gift from no other than the inimitable J&J, a couple we met while planning our wedding that have since become treasured, life-long friends. I think M ate 2...

• When we got our BFP, In Loco Parentis and one of the J’s were among the first we told. Being out of town as they both are, the announcements were made over email. Their responses were heartfelt and enthusiastic and made me feel at once that perhaps this was actually happening. I’ve printed copies of them both for our baby scrapbook to come. I also talked to one close friend in person, a BFF that I’m also lucky enough to work with, and she literally leapt from her cubicle into mine to give me a hug. Last night, we went to a movie with her and her fiancée and they gave us the sweetest card exclaiming, again, how much they love us and how excited they are for us. Again, one for the archives.

• Also at the time of our BFP, several fellow bloggers (that I know of) took time and space in their own blogs to announce and celebrate our news. In Loco Parentis, notes from 2 moms, mrs. bluemont and puffer and the baby fish... thank you. Seeing our name in lights on your pages made our days. Dozens more of you ventured over to offer congratulations and it meant so much to read each and every note. I am completely awed by this community and so grateful for each and every one of you.

• When I announced our BFP on the bulletin board I frequent the most often, the outpouring of support was beyond anything I could have imagined. Women that I haven’t seen post in months came out to offer their congratulations. People I’ve never met in person said the kindest, most thoughtful, insightful things about our journey and how glad they were to see us succeed at last. These women have been a witness to the whole thing, and it was indescribable to share our success with them after so long.

• A few days after we told KD that we’d finally been successful, he posted an entry in his own blog that brought me to tears. Here is a brief excerpt:
  “It was interesting that, the first thing [KD’s wife] asked me after I heard the news was, "how do you feel?", asking it with a tone of some concern. And I just grinned a silly grin cause I was glad. What I didn't tell her, and one of the reasons I've sort of been delaying writing about this was that I was half expecting me to feel something else when at last we reached this moment. What, I don't know. As if something would surface that had not done so in the two and one half years between K&M asking me if I would, and now. But you see all is crystal clear and simple to me. M and K. Starting their family. Happy. And on their way to great things. All is as it should be.”
  Without a doubt, we are the luckiest KD beneficiaries in the world, right?

I was going to save this post to be a post-beta celebration or a nostalgic “it was great while it lasted” memoir, but screw it. I’m posting it now. No matter what happens tomorrow and in the coming months, I will always be grateful for these things, and thinking back on them will remind me that it is always worth it to go above and beyond for someone you care about. Small acts of kindness go a long, long way.

Thank you to those of you who have gone above and beyond for us.

Side note: I definitely spoke too soon on the absence of pre-beta anxiety. I’m officially nervous. I’m very nervous when my cramps seem too strong, but I’m equally nervous when they disappear altogether. I'm nervous about the fact that when I POAS'd yesterday, while the second line came up right away, it wasn't any darker than the last test I took a few days earlier. (C'mon, can't a girl get a little reassurance around here?!) I still have the symptoms I mentioned before, at least intermittently, but if any of them disappear for any noticeable amount of time I start to worry the whole thing is slipping through my fingers. Mostly, I just worry that this is - in fact - too good to be true. I know the beta is only a first step and once it is over, I’ll just start worrying about the next one, but I’m still looking forward to tomorrow. Hopefully we’ll have a nice, strong number so we’ll know that, for now at least, things are on the right track.