At the risk of sounding like a hormonal, ungrateful b!tch, I just want to throw this out into the atmosphere in hopes I can get it off my mind. Someone said something to me today that got under my skin a bit at first, and has since managed to fester into something quite bothersome. Some of you may know what I'm referencing - most should not. It wasn't anything from blogland and it certainly didn't come from any of you. I say ungrateful because it's someone I've given and received support to/from for some time now and I know she meant it with the best of intentions, but it's just bugging me and I can't shake it.
Have I somehow given the impression that I'm unrealistically hopeful about our upcoming IVF? Because I feel like I'm kind of the opposite. I find - more days than not - that I fully expect it NOT to work. I've already started cleaning out closets and planning the packing I'll need to do for our impending move (which will get the green light if and when our IVF fails). Anyway, someone felt the need to put my hopes in check today, and I'm totally irritated about it.
Does she worry the last 14 BFNs haven't left their mark? Because they have. Does she think she's close enough to me to say the "tough stuff" and help me to prepare for the worst? Because she's not. If she wants to pick on someone (bear with my editorializing there - I know that's not how she meant it at all), how about calling out one of the starry-eyed newbies who can't wait to cash in on her share of the beginner's luck? Don't get me wrong, I was that girl myself once upon a not-too-distant time, but I'm not now. I'm acutely and painfully aware just how little control I have, how fragile our chance is, and that the likelihood of it NOT working is 54%, which is more than half. The last thing I need is someone reminding me to consider the fact that I may have just written a $16,000 check that will yield no returns.
*sigh* OK, now that I've (hopefully) exorcised my demons for the evening, you may now return to your regularly schedule programming. :-)
Edited 4/9/08 to add: I'm feeling really guilty about this post - so guilty that I thought about deleting it, but decided against it. It contains in honesty what it lacks in grace. Some days are just better than others.