Tuesday, April 8, 2008

just putting it out there (edited to include afterword)

At the risk of sounding like a hormonal, ungrateful b!tch, I just want to throw this out into the atmosphere in hopes I can get it off my mind. Someone said something to me today that got under my skin a bit at first, and has since managed to fester into something quite bothersome. Some of you may know what I'm referencing - most should not. It wasn't anything from blogland and it certainly didn't come from any of you. I say ungrateful because it's someone I've given and received support to/from for some time now and I know she meant it with the best of intentions, but it's just bugging me and I can't shake it.

Have I somehow given the impression that I'm unrealistically hopeful about our upcoming IVF? Because I feel like I'm kind of the opposite. I find - more days than not - that I fully expect it NOT to work. I've already started cleaning out closets and planning the packing I'll need to do for our impending move (which will get the green light if and when our IVF fails). Anyway, someone felt the need to put my hopes in check today, and I'm totally irritated about it.

Does she worry the last 14 BFNs haven't left their mark? Because they have. Does she think she's close enough to me to say the "tough stuff" and help me to prepare for the worst? Because she's not. If she wants to pick on someone (bear with my editorializing there - I know that's not how she meant it at all), how about calling out one of the starry-eyed newbies who can't wait to cash in on her share of the beginner's luck? Don't get me wrong, I was that girl myself once upon a not-too-distant time, but I'm not now. I'm acutely and painfully aware just how little control I have, how fragile our chance is, and that the likelihood of it NOT working is 54%, which is more than half. The last thing I need is someone reminding me to consider the fact that I may have just written a $16,000 check that will yield no returns.

*sigh* OK, now that I've (hopefully) exorcised my demons for the evening, you may now return to your regularly schedule programming. :-)

Edited 4/9/08 to add: I'm feeling really guilty about this post - so guilty that I thought about deleting it, but decided against it. It contains in honesty what it lacks in grace. Some days are just better than others.


Inlocoparentis said...

Seriously? I am so sorry. People can be such insensitive jerks, even if they don't mean to be.

bleu said...

Oh hun, I DO know what you are talking about and I am so sorry this is bugging you. I get why this has hurt you but I want you to know I know she never meant it to.

I think it was really a case of trying to say something when she just should have been silent. She was so hurt and shocked by her _ and I think really caught off guard. She had been so sure and I really think, in her own, albeit misguided way, was trying to forewarn you just in the off chance so you would not go through that.

Do I agree with her? No. I feel so thrilled about this cycle for you. I KNOW you have all the thoughts and fears running rampant in your head. I know you are well informed and as prepared as anyone can be. You are also soooooo long in waiting for this.

I see this as a time for some real hope to be able to come in when it hasn't been able to for so long and I hope you find a way to embrace it. When we have new treatments and changed treatments hope does seem a little easier.

I went through it and am s glad I got that hope back. I felt like it was gone again after my first - to the point I was sure my FET was negative. But you know, I do have it back some again, even through all I am dealing with, and I think it is a good thing. Sure it can hurt when it doesn't come through but I think it is way better to grab it when you can and even cherish it when it is there, even though it has been fleeting for me at times.

PLEASE PLEASE know she said it with the mixed up love of a friend trying to spare someone she cared for but it came out all wrong. I cringed when I read it knowing it just should never have been said but knowing her intent was really pure.

I am here cheering you on wildly by the way.

Much much much love dear cyber sister friend.

K said...

Awww, thanks so much Bleu. I tried a hundred times to remind myself of all that last night because I KNOW you are right about where she was coming from. I guess it's just a symptom of how vulnerable I feel that I couldn't seem to get her words out of my head. I still can't put my finger on all the reasons they upset me so much.

I'm delighted to hear you have found some renewed hope of your own. I will be cheering for you each step of the way as well. :-)

NotesFrom2Moms said...

i'm so sorry someone said that. If I have learned anything through this process it is not to judge anyone else's hopes or low points. We all have them on different days. It isn't fair to dismiss the hopes of the first timer or the 22nd timer. Its your expereince... I'm sorry someone squashed it a bit.

Meegs said...

I'm glad you didn't delete this post K. It is honest... unintentionally or not, she hurt your feeligns, and you used this arena to get the venom out. There is no reason to feel guilty about that.