weekend update

I had an awesome weekend - best one I've had in recent memory.

KD and I spent all day Friday running around to various doctor's appointments and we were successful on all ventures. That afternoon, I had an IUI using a fresh sample followed by ovulation cramps that evening, suggesting that our timing was spot on. We'd also had a business meeting the night before, so we were doubly covered. Saturday was absolutely gorgeous so we took the dog on a hike and enjoyed the reprieve from the freezing cold weather we've been having. Saturday night we went to dinner at a restaurant I've been trying to get back to for a few months now and - once we found it - it was every bit as good as I remembered it. On Sunday morning, I slept in while M took KD to the airport (at 4am!!) and then enjoyed a leisurely morning of basking in the glow of the weekend.

KD is one of my favorite people in the world, without a doubt, and it was fun to get to spend a weekend with him. To have had excellent TTC luck and timing on top of that was icing on the cake. And just when we thought things couldn't get better... M and I booked a vacation to Orlando! We leave in less than a month. I was on cloud 9 yesterday morning just thinking about it. Talk about a win-win: If I'm not pregnant, we'll do Disney in style. If I am, then I guess I'll just sit by the pool and be ridiculously happy. Yesterday I told M that I sort of hope I don't get pregnant this cycle, and I am thrilled to be in that position for the first time in a year and a half. (Just to clarify, I don't actually hope that I'm not pregnant, of course. After a year and a half, I'd take being pregnant over just about anything. But to have something so appealing waiting on the other side of a BFN for me is an unfamiliar and welcome change.) I also asked her if we could go to Disney World after every BFN from this point out. She said sure, but I think our finances will disagree.

So, if I'm not pregnant, we move on to IVF, but at least I get to go to Disney World before the needles begin. It's a decent consolation prize. Also, I think having something else to focus on and look forward to for the next few weeks will be good for my spirit. On a side note, while discussing the possibility of taking a vacation, M and I discovered that in the nearly 7 years we have been together, we have never gone on a vacation together where we weren't visiting friends or family, attending a conference or event, or working. We have never once looked at a map, said "ok... there!" and gone - just the two of us. Never once. That is the price we pay for living so far away from everyone we know - all of our vacation time and dollars are spent visiting people, which is fun, but different. I am so excited.

One more note on the TTC side of my weekend, from a post I made on a message board the other day... I swear sperm has hope-inducing chemical properties. It doesn't seem to matter how pessimistic I am going into an insemination. As soon as it gets in there, I become giddy with the excitement of possibility. Our timing could be all wrong or we could have failed 13 times already (but who's counting), and yet there is this irrational part of me that leaves each insemination believing, against all odds, that "this time" will work. It's gotta be the sperm. ;-)

On the flip side, an IRL friend got a BFP this weekend. While I am really and truly over-the-moon-happy for her, I am deeply sad for myself as well. For her part, she could not have told me in a more compassionate way. She told me early and via email so that I had time to craft an appropriate response to her wonderful news - you know, the one I would want to give rather than the hormone-induced, gut response that I don't think any infertile woman can avoid. If anyone finds a way around that selfish/jealous/aching feeling, please let me know. Best I can tell, it is an inseparable part of this nonsense. Here's a link to a blog that talks about it with more wit and insight than I ever could: http://www.redbookmag.com/your/infertility/danger-flying-crockery

I think I'm most sad about losing the one "real-life" friend I had who was on a similar journey. That seems horrible to say because I wouldn't wish this path on my worst enemy, let alone one of my dearest friends, but seeing as we were both going through it anyway, it was nice to have her companionship for a short while. Hopefully I'll be able to get out of this madness soon as well so we will once again be in the same boat, but a happier one this time.