Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Seriously?

I tested this morning. It was a resounding negative. I'm feeling surprisingly bitter about it, actually. I kind of thought I was past that point. I'm wishing I hadn't made travel plans for this weekend because I'd really prefer to sit home and mope.

I had been doing a decent job of keeping my hopes down until last night when I came home after work and PASSED OUT. I woke up 2 hours later, feeling like I could sleep for another week, and decided (of course!) that I must be pregnant. So I took a test. I left the room for a few minutes, and when I came back, there was the tiniest shadow of a second line there if I held the stick at just the right angle. I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me so I left the room and came in again a minute later. Still there. (Rinse and repeat a few times.) I have desperately tried imagining second lines where there weren't second lines on 40-something pregnancy tests to date, and this time, unlike the rest, I could actually see something! It made perfect sense to me that the line would be a mere shadow if anything because I was only at 11dpo and it wasn't FMU. I was home alone and about to shoot through the roof from nerves and excitement, so I went to the mall and walked in circles for a couple of hours until M was due home. She and I had an excited little "what if" kind of evening and I found myself only mildly disappointed about the hot tubs and roller coasters I would have to avoid on our upcoming vacation.

This morning, when I woke up to take my temperature, I watched it climb in excitement. Usually I just stick the thing in my mouth and fall back asleep until it beeps to be taken out, at which point I toss it in the general vicinity of my nightstand and sleep for another hour or two before my "real" alarm goes off. This morning, I was too excited to go back to sleep. I POAS'd, waited for my beautiful second line to appear, and... nothing. No really, nothing. No amount of wishful thinking or squinting or anything was gonna make that a BFP.

I am SO not pregnant. I don't feel pregnant. I feel disappointed, and bitter. Damn this cycle for being another bust and damn me for letting my hopes get away from me last night.

8 comments:

Janet said...

Love you, DG.

I want to continue to be optimistic on your behalf, but I'm trying to avoid leaving an obnoxious comment . . .

So, just, LOVE YOU.

bleu said...

Oh hun, I so know that feeling, that bitter and pissed at yourself for hoping shit.
I love ya much.

NotesFrom2Moms said...

i'm hoping for a reversal. i'll be tuning in to see if this morning's test was a fluke.

Inlocoparentis said...

Thinking of you, as always.

Lizzie said...

Damn. So sorry.

Mrs. Bluemont said...

I'm sorry love. It's such a rollercoaster. I'm still all hopes for you though and will keep you in my happy thoughts all evening. You better update us soon. oxox

veeandjay said...

Whoever said hope was a wonderful thing clearly needs to be taken out and shot. I wish there was a more effective way of protecting our hearts from this pain. Awaiting further news.

Meegs said...

I'm so sorry hun... I'm sending you positive thoughts.