I'm having a total nothing of a day today. My office is closed and I have spent the entire day in my pajamas in observance of the occassion. It's a little pathetic. I think I'm going to take a shower and see if I can breathe some life back into myself. I did find the time to make Rice Krispy Treats, and I have since eaten my weight in them. Oh well, there are worse things to gorge myself on I guess.
I've been kind of mopey lately. It's not a sharp or acute feeling. I'm just noticing that I haven't felt like doing anything. Everything seems to require too much effort.
I've talked before about the glbt ttc board I hang out on. When I got my 13th freakin' BFN last weekend, there were 6 other women testing within a 2-3 day window. Of the 6, 5 got BFPs. That's unprecedented. The person out of the 5 who had been trying the least amount of time was still on her 4th cycle, and 1 was from IVF (frozen transfer), so it's nice to see people succeed who have been working at this for a while. A couple were people I have become friends with over the past year and half, so I was especially happy for them. Still, I'm sad there wasn't a seat for me on their BFP train. In my "real" life, I'm attending one baby shower tomorrow and another at work on Tuesday. I spent waaay too long wandering around Babies R Us agonizing over choosing gifts on Wednesday night, and I imagine all that's dragging my mood down a bit as well.
I'm feeling a little overwhelmed about the IVF prospect. It's amusing to me, really, because I have been determinedly looking forward to IVF as my salvation from this ttc hell, and now that it is almost upon us, I'm nervous. I'm really not nervous about the shots or the procedures or anything - not that I'm looking forward to them - but I'm terrified that it won't work. I'm also nervous about what it means psychologically to have reached this point. It's the same feeling I had when we took every other leap: to the NP, to IUIs, to the RE, to Clomid, etc. It's just like... seriously? I need this? *sigh*
I'm starting to worry that my infertility is something I'll never overcome. I was reading a post on a "success after infertility" bulletin board the other day and a woman talked about going into Babies R Us to register and finding herself feeling jealous of the pregnant women she saw walking around. She said her husband had to keep reminding her that she herself is pregnant now too. Half a dozen other women responded that they have had similar experiences. I worry about that happening to me. I also worry that no matter how far behind me this gets, I'll always be jealous and resentful of women who get pregnant easily. For the rest of my life, is my stomach going to catch when people excitedly share their "guess I'm just a fertile myrtle!" or "lucky us, worked the first time!" stories? Probably. That makes me sad.
I know that time will heal a lot of this and whatever I'm feeling now - in the throes of the hardest part of this journey so far - is hardly representative of my permanent state of mind. It's just something I've been worrying about a lot lately. I guess I'm just throwing it out into the atmosphere with a genuine hope that in a couple of years, I'll read it again and not recognize the woman that wrote it.