Thursday, September 1, 2011

Excuse me ma'am, your neuroses are showing.

So we picked a donor (see below) and I was feeling good about it. But then I didn't place our order. A day passed... Another day passed... And then a couple more. On Monday, our IVF nurse called to see what was up with our sperm order. I waited until Tuesday to call her back and told her I would place our order on Wednesday, even though I could have easily done it right then. I kept the cryobank page pulled up on my work computer all day yesterday but never pulled the trigger. I second-guessed every last thing about our donor choice, but I knew all along those "concerns" were just place-holders for the real issue: I still have hang-ups about our switch to anonymous donor sperm. It was mitigated with The Beatle by having found our perfect, sent-from-above donor. But without that golden parachute, it turns out I'm still angry and sad and, frankly, in denial that we really have to go this route. The timing for this is poor. I start stims tomorrow. We don't have time for me to freak out about using a sperm bank.

The "do as I say, not as I do" lesson is this: Be sure to finalize all donor decisions and orders prior to shooting up large volumes of hormones as you will not be able to think rationally about anything and will instead be reduced to a jumble of tears and emotions when asked to complete simple tasks.

M and I had a good discussion about all of this last night. How she puts up with me I will never know, but I sure am lucky. She gave me the pep talk I needed, reminding me of all of the reasons we have made the decisions we have made up to this point. And I felt good about it again.

This morning, I pulled up the cryobank page, put a vial into my cart and proceeded to check-out. I went back to review his profile one more time... oh yes I did, because I am THAT dysfunctional... and there is just this one fly in the ointment I can't get past. It's the one concern I think might actually be real and not just me setting up false barriers. He has no reported pregnancies.

Here are the facts:
  • I did some internet research on whether or not this should be a concern. The consensus is NO. (Possible dissenting opinion may be found here.) Any factors that might inhibit fertility from the male end are ostensibly screened out before a donor is released in the first place. There are many factors that play into whether a donor has reported pregnancies or not and, at best, this data point is a reflection of how long the donor has been active in the program, but even that has multiple limitations. And hey, KD had no reported pregnancies and 14 failed inseminations on his resume before he worked for us during our IVF cycle. Just sayin'...
  • I called the bank and he has been active since January of 2011, so only 8 months. The stuff I found online said it often takes around a year for a donor to show reported pregnancies. The bank was adamant that they do not consider his lack of reported pregnancies to be of any concern at this point. But really, what else are they going to say?
  • I looked at the 40 donors listed on either side of him numerically, so presumably, the 40 donors who became available immediately before and after him. Of the 40 that became available later, just over half still do not have any reported pregnancies. Of the 40 that became available just before him, only two (gulp, two) do not have reported pregnancies yet.
  • On one hand, I think that doing IVF makes this less of a concern because even if his swimmers aren't peak performers, IVF should make that a moot point, right? (I have a call in to the RE to discuss this.) On the other hand, this isn't IUIs where the stakes are relatively lower and we can switch after a month or two if we want. We get one shot. If none of the eggs fertilize, that's it. We're looking at another whole cycle (and another whole $12,000) if we want to try again. This cycle has already been rough on me physically. It's so much harder going through it with a toddler in the house. I can't imagine having to turn around and do it all over again, not that we could afford to anyway.
  • I have pored over the other options and I really want to stick with this guy unless we have good reason not to.
So... What would you do?

7 comments:

loveandchaosreign said...

Ok. For me, reported pregnancies was important but it wasn't rational. I had no research one way or the other.

I think the biggest things at work here are a) IVF makes this pretty much moot because this is what people with crappy sperm do and you don't have crappy sperm to work with, and b) he's a new donor.

He's only been a donor for 8 months which means anyone who's currently pregnant by him may be reluctant to report until they deliver. So there may be 10 pregnancies out there but because he hasn't even been active long enough for a child to be born, you're simply dealing with a lack of reporting. I didn't report when I got pregnant, I reported after I delivered.

Breathe. Keep breathing. Order your first choice. If you were doing IUI's I might take one more pass at the donors, but since you're doing IVF, I think you're ok.

Inlocoparentis said...

Honestly, I think a lot of people don't report pregnancies. I didn't - either of them. I don't know why not, but we did report C's birth. As further evidence of this phenomena, our donor ended up having 26 reported births and 3 reported pregancies (which also were counted in the births number). By my calculation, this means *at least* 23 people got pregnant using our donor and never reported it.
Given the short donor participation timeframe and the fact that you are doing IVF and not IUIs, I wouldn't be concerned about the lack of reported pregnancies. Not one bit. Unless your RE says otherwise, go with your gut!

jessie said...

I say go for it. I think a lot of people may not report pregnancies and you're doing IVF so yeah..... GO!

thiswillbe said...

Dear K,

Pull the trigger. You've got every reason to have confidence in your decision to go with this donor.

Signed,
Woman With Two Kids (Albeit Twins) From No-Reported-Pregnancies Guy

anofferingoflove said...

I concur with the others: go for it.

We didn't report our pregnancies/births either. It just felt weird to us, so we never did. I think L&C makes a good point - there could be lots of newly pregnant women (since hes a newish donor) who haven't reported...

And, of course, IVF makes the work much easier for the little guys. ;-)

Emily said...

our donor was brand new and had no reported pregnancies when we used him....and he was a one hit wonder.

we did report our miscarriages and these births though, as i know its important for bank tracking and potentially to other moms.

Katie said...

Like pp, I got pregnant with G from a donor with no reported pregnancies. In 12 cycles using him I had one chemical on cycle 6 and the one that stuck in cycle 12. Imagine that was mostly me [and age] and nothing to do with his sperm. I understand you have a ton riding on this but as everyone said, you are doing IVF so you should be fine. Second-guessing will drive you crazy. Go for it!