The votes in Elliot's contest are so close, I'm afraid I'm going to give myself an ulcer from all the refresh page-ing I'm doing. I'm not sure why I care so much. OK, I have a few thoughts, but I don't want to share until the contest is over. Instead, I'll fill you in on another one of my (many) neuroses, inspired by Puffer's comment about how she feels when she's out without the twins.
I was totally fascinated (in a good way) by it because my own experience is exactly the opposite. When I'm out without Elliot, I too have a conscious awareness that people looking at me don't know I have a toddler at home, but 9 times out of 10, I hate it. If I'm in Tar.get or a grocery store without him, I'll sometimes go out of my way to buy something baby-related, even if we don't need it yet, just because I want people who see me to know. I'm not sure where this need to identify myself stems from - maybe it's some post-infertility brain damage or perhaps just standard-issue insecurity - but it makes me feel more comfortable in my skin, like my outsides match my insides. I think what has happened is that my identity as a mother has become so deeply rooted that I feel naked and self-conscious without my standard marker (the kiddo) on my hip. For the record, I totally think Puffer's take on all this is healthier. ;-)
7 comments:
I'm sure her way is healthier, but I'll admit that I'm the exact same way. I mean, I love having some alone time, but I hate hate hate in public being separated from that mom identity. I do think for me it relates in part to the miscarriage (which doesn't get recognized) and troubles TTC. But I think it also relates to having my pregnancy cut short.
You're not alone, though.
interesting post - i was just thinking about similar things as i was in target yesterday browsing the baby aisles... im with you, even though i agree puffer is healthier! ;-)
rooting and voting for elliot!
you know what (and AOoL can let me know in a couple of months if this premise is true) but I think it is the difference between singletons and multiples. K, I felt the same as you the first time around with our singleton really feeling the mummy void when I was out without the kidlet. BUT going out with twins is sooo freaking annoying. you walk through the mall and about 700 trillionty million people will stop right.in.front.of.the.pram, sick their heads in and say something insightful like "ooooh twins", "hey come look at the twins", "ahh twins does that run in the family?", or my personal favourite "are they twins?" and I have to admit but I do enjoy my breif forays into the world without the freakshow that walking around with a double stroller invariably becomes. and also I think with twins that they are just so full on that any little but of alone time is very very welcome. that's my 2 cents worth anyway.
Yeah, it feels weird sometimes to be in public without him- most especially when we see other parents with their children (which is usually after 7pm when Miles is sleeping and then we also wonder how the heck other kids are still awake lol). Nutella got a motherhood tattoo because of this feeling. Me...sometimes I strike up conversations with parents just so I can let them know "my 18 month old son is at home..." Funny.
Sorry, you know I can't just leave a major typo hanging out there.
I definitely felt this way when I was pregnant and not showing (no one knows I'm pregnant) and early post-pregnancy (no one knows I just had a baby), but I have not felt it yet as a mom. Parenthood is still rather surreal to me - yesterday at swim lessons I looked down at C and was like, "I am in a Mommy and Me swim class. Weird." Remember when we were 18 and went to our first gay bar and talked about how surreal it was, like "whose life am I living?" I feel that way constantly. I feel immense love for him, but I don't feel like a parent yet - is that weird?
I show pictures to changing room people, I discuss them at checkout ALWAYS. They are my loves my joys and my greatest accomplishment. I proudly discuss it whenever they are not with me.
Post a Comment