dollars and sense, or lack thereof

Today was spent running errands and trying to get things in place for our upcoming IVF. I transported the samples to the appropriate lab and will return the tank to the first lab tomorrow. I called the shared-risk IVF program and got all the details about what they offer, but it really doesn't make sense for us financially. We didn't see much savings until we got to the 3 fresh + 3 frozen cycle plan and (1) who knows if we'll even have frozen embryos to transfer, so the 3 frozen might be a moot point and (2) it isn't transferrable to another physician and we're planning to relocate if we are not successful with IVF #1 (or FET #1, if we're lucky enough to have one).

That decision made, we explored financing options for paying our clinic directly. Our clinic only works with one provider of healthcare credit so I applied and was denied! I was totally shocked. My credit isn't spectacular, but it is on the high end of average. We applied under M's name - same outcome. The only thing I can think of is that we just refinanced our house in January and the dust must not have settled from that yet. This caused me to have a bit of a freak out. The financing was the one part I wasn't worried about (silly me!) so to have a road block thrown up there was really surprising and, if I'm honest, humiliating. M pulled me back together and reminded me that we have a long list of other options and this was nowhere near a dead end. I blew my nose and made a half-hearted attempt at dusting off my tarnished ego and we headed for the bank. We are now the proud owners of a home equity line of credit. *sigh*

In the end, this is a better way to go. It's where we should have started, honestly, but my ability to think outside the box has become a little threadbare lately. The interest rate is less than half what we would have paid on the commercial healthcare loan and it's a good thing to have in place anyway. As M pointed out, we can also use it to get the new computer she so desperately needs.

Of more concern to me is how easily I lost it this afternoon. That I have become that fragile; that something so small can shake me so... that makes me feel sad and scared. I have to think it's an issue of cumulative impact. As much excitement as I have about moving toward IVF, there is that much and more trepidation. And I am so completely tired of jumping through hoops and dotting Is and crossing Ts. I feel like all I do anymore is call various offices, fill out paperwork, transport samples, have things faxed... managing our ttc journey is a full-time job, and we're supposedly on a break! Never mind all the lengths I'm asking those around me to go through as well.

I'm just very teary for some reason I can't put my finger on. I think it's a combination of hormones, stress, and disappointment that our vacation is over and we're right back on the rollercoaster. Several of our loved ones are going through trying times, and my heart hurts for them as well.

M and I talked last night about how we're both feeling going into this IVF. I have come to rest on a delicate blend of excitement, optimism, and pure, cold, heart-stopping fear. I'm most nervous about the PIO injections which I hear are a PITA, literally speaking, and the possibility of a BFN. I feel like I will be able to cope with a BFN okay if we have embies to freeze. If not... I dunno. It might get ugly!