Monday, March 3, 2008

and now: today

I don't quite know where to begin with this post. I am positively filled with _________ (anxiety? sadness? nausea? jealousy? anticipation? grief?) as I approach our IVF consult today. I have felt pretty numb since I made our appointment a week ago, and I know it's because I'm too overwhelmed to process what we are embarking upon. While I have many online friends that have crossed this threshold, I don't know anyone personally that has done this. I don't know anyone personally that has had to do this. I know of a friend of a friend - that's our closest connection.

I'm working on questions for the RE. We plan to ask about what schedule they'll put us on, how they decide how many embryos to transfer and on what day, their prognosis given my medical history, what the chances are that some yet-undiagnosed medical issue (endo, lining issues, etc.) could prevent this from working, and of course, how much all this is really going to cost us. I'm interested to know how open they are to working with my acupuncturist. I know a nearby clinic allows her to come to the transfers and do a session before you even get up off the table. This clinic hasn't allowed that in the past, but I want to at least know that they're in support of me continuing to work with her on my own. I've also been advised to ask what their criteria is for freezing embryos and when they make that decision. Being the caring partner that she is, M has some questions about what all this is going to do to me - how we can minimize the discomfort of the shots, how much pain I'll be in post-retrieval, what kind of hormonal free-falls I'm in for, how many days of bedrest I'll be subjected to, etc.

I'm trying really hard to get excited about this next stage of our journey. It is devastating to me that we've come to this point, but the reality is that we're 18 months in no matter what our next step is, so why shouldn't I be thrilled that our next step is to the intervention that will give us the greatest chance of success available? I think I'm just terrified that it won't work - in fact, I'm hardly expecting it to at this point - and then it will just be one more way in which we put ourselves out there, gave it our all, and ended up with nothing to show for it except more debt and heartache. I know, I know - I've got to get a better attitude about this, and I really am working on it. It won't stand a chance of working if I can't calm my nerves a bit. Hopefully this afternoon's appointment will help.

Thanks for all the good luck and kind wishes you've sent our way. I'll update again after our appointment!


veeandjay said...

I want to say something witty and cheerful that will help you move towards IVF more positively, but at the moment I'm only steps behind you in feeling all this ambivalence and disappointment and fear about the same process.

Lists of questions seem like a good place to start, and nobody ever said you need a Polyanna attitude for the procedure tio work, ok. Be as pissed off and scared as you need to be about this because it sucks that you are at this turn in the road at all.

Mrs. Bluemont said...

I'm with v&j. You be you lady and nothing else. Even if it means grumbling and doubting. I'm here hoping and sending tons of positive juju to you. I can't imagine that you've left any stone unturned and will be more than prepared for this appointment. I'm so excited for you and M. Update soon, ok? ox

Lizzie said...

I wish it felt like a big relief and a new step all full of promise. I'm so sorry for the anxiety instead. But I'm guessing it's pretty normal. I'm hoping the appointment goes well. xo