Wednesday, August 29, 2007

A heavy-hearted update

Well, we've made a detour on the TTC journey. We're switching to an anonymous donor.

It was a difficult decision that M and I have been wrestling with for the past month - ever since the daunting acting challenge we all went through last cycle. When things were looking grim, we started frantically scrambling for any option that would help us save the cycle, and we ended up with a stack of anonymous sperm donor profiles in our laps. At the time, I could hardly look at them without getting queasy. I have been so thoroughly in love with the way we've been trying to build our family and I was heartsick at the idea of having to go in a different direction. Fortunately we didn't have to cross that bridge at the time because I was nowhere near ready.

Fast forward through one month and one more failed attempt. M and I took a hard look at our goals for the next couple of years and realized that we only have 3 (maybe 4) more months to try to get pregnant before we need to stop for a while. The situation is that we are planning to move sometime between August and December of next year. This means any babies would need to arrive between early June (my due date if I got pregnant this cycle) and August, or maybe September if we were willing to stay an extra month or two. Moving with a 3-4 month old will be hard enough - I can't even imagine going sooner than that. I can't in good conscience start a new job while pregnant, and it's likely my benefits wouldn't kick in in time anyway. Same goes for becoming pregnant a month or two into a new job - tacky! Moving while pregnant could all work out if M got a job with DP benefits and I found some well-paying temp work until the baby was born, but that's a couple too many best case scenarios to bank on. Plus, it would be a pain to have to transfer to a new OB midway through a pregnancy. I know people do it, but it would be nice to avoid if possible, you know? SO, baby has to come before September or not for at least a year after we move. That means there is a year long TTC hiatus looming on our horizon. That threat was all we needed to kick our butts into high gear. A year? I can hardly cope with a month off. A YEAR?!

So we're pulling out all the stops. One pearl of the collective TTC wisdom is that if you try a few times with no luck and all the medical tests say everything's good, change donors. I've seen several women try for months and months, then switch donors and get pregnant on their first or second cycle. Apparently some sperm and eggs just don't play well together. Changing donors is the first step we're taking. If that doesn't work, we'll look into adding acupuncture, herbs, meds, more IUIs per cycle, and heaven knows what else. For the next 3-4 months, we're trying anything and everything. I even consented to let a woman on one of my online boards do "quantum touch" long distance from Texas. We're ready for anything. It still seems a little crazy to me that this change wasn't anywhere on our radar 6 weeks ago, and now we're charging full-speed in a whole new direction, but as I've heard about so many other parts of the TTC craziness - it's good practice for parenthood. Rolling with the punches is definitely one of those necessary skills.

If it works with the new donor, it will truly be bittersweet. There's definitely a part of me that is hoping it doesn't so that we go back to using KD and do whatever it takes, even if that is IVF. However, there's a bigger part of me that just wants this to work, by whatever means necessary, which is not to say I won't still be a little sad if this is how it has to go in order to work. That second part of me is the part of me that wants M and I to have some disposable income again (you know, at least until the baby is born and a whole new world of money bleeding starts!) and be able to talk about something other than OPKs and planning travel around insemination windows. I just want to move on to the next stage of ultrasounds and baby kicks and nursery painting. And then of course there is the baby - the pot of gold at the end of this crazy ride. I feel like we have earned our right of passage.

As M pointed out re: the switch to an anonymous donor, this is our new "triplet boys on Christmas day" challenge. (I've already explained what that means, right? Hmmm, gotta go back and check on that.) If we really want the baby, this is what we have to do. But, we're both still very sad about the change of plans and the turn away from the special bond we've been weaving with KD and his wife. We know the bond has been created no matter where we go from here, but there is still a loss and it is disappointing. Hopefully it will be worth it in the long run.

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