A story

During the first month that I went to KD's, my cycle was perfectly synchronized with two other women on my chat board. The three of us ovulated on the same day and proceeded to discuss our imaginary symptoms while we waited out our two weeks from hell together. At the end of the cycle, both of them were pregnant and I was not.

One of them dropped off the board shortly after, but the other has remained a regular poster and I've followed her pregnancy with affection. She's a neat person, and someone I would have been drawn to anyway, but given the circumstances, she also became my living, breathing (if virtual) marker of "what if?" Her due date was set for the same day mine would have been. When she posted pictures of her growing belly, I would look down at my own and think of how strange that would be. When she passed her due date (nearly 2 weeks ago!), I thought about how insane it would be if M and I were having a BABY right now, and also of how anxious she must be to meet the little person that's been kicking her and keeping her up at night for so many months now.

She finally had her little boy last Friday. He was 11 days overdue. She returned to the board last night to post a quick report and a picture. He's adorable, of course. I am very used to these "s/he's here!" posts. There are 3-5 per month on my board, and I usually have no reaction to them, other than thinking the babies are cute and being relieved that everyone is healthy and happy. But reading this story and looking at this picture, I felt a strange and unexpected little tug. It wasn't sadness or jealousy or anything like that. It was just this weird sensation of looking at something that could be mine, chronologically speaking. I have lived vicariously through his mother's pregnancy, and now here he is, and I feel a connection to him that I didn't expect. Aside from that, he is like a living, breathing (again, if virtual) representation of how much time has passed since we began trying. And that time that has passed adds up to a person. It's just kind of crazy, and amazing, and I'm not sure what all else. This probably doesn't make much sense. Admittedly, I haven't made sense of it myself yet. I just thought it was interesting.