Thursday, July 5, 2007


I'm having such a hard day. It's one of those days where you're just sitting around minding your own business and it hits you like a train, knocking the wind out of you. I keep tearing up with no discernible trigger. I think I've just hit a point of being too... everything. Tired. Discouraged. Sad. Frustrated. Pessimistic. I'm stuck between feeling like I want to be Done - like TTC is just. too. much. and I need to stop, and recognizing that stopping is no better than the place we're in currently; the place that is making me this sad to start with. It just feels like it might be better because I would be choosing not to become pregnant instead of having that outcome thrust upon me month after month against my will. I know this line of thinking probably sounds crazy and premature to people who haven't been in this place -- hell, it sounds crazy to ME on any day better than this one. Yes, I absolutely do realize I'm young and we have lots of years and options ahead of us -- but there is this reality looming out there that perhaps choosing infertility would be better than having it imposed upon us, and that's a strange and sad horizon. Also, you just reach a point of being so tired and drained that it doesn't matter if how many options are available if you don't feel like you have the stamina to pursue them. I know I'm supposed to be thinking positively and keeping our struggles in perspective, but I'm just having a tough time with that right now. I knew going in that this could take us some time and I thought I was prepared for that, but I was totally off on my prediction of how consuming the tough times would be.

M and I listened to an episode of This American Life the other day that was on "the cringe." It was all about cringe-worthy life experiences and what gives them that quality. The bottom line was that it boiled down to trying. When you really try hard for something and it doesn't work out, you haven't just failed; you've embarassed yourself by putting forth so much effort. (Yes, this is a selective recap and I'm in a pessimistic mood, but this WAS the basic premise of the cringe theory.) Anyway, there is certainly a part of me that feels like at some point, it will be more livable to just stop TTC and maintain some dignity. I'm not so short-sighted to think I am there now, but I have found my thoughts going there more than is usual for me, and more than I would like.

My coworker went in for her second beta today. I would now put a LOT of money on there being at least 2 babies-to-be in there. From her numbers, it could be 3. She'll have an ultrasound next Thursday and then she'll know for sure. I can't say this isn't hard to be around right now. I can't even get pregnant with 1 and she may have 2, or more. I know it's stupid for me to compare our situations as if there is anything fair or balanced about the dice roll of conception. And, her situation isn't all a walk in the park - having twins as a single mom is no joke. But it still makes me wish it was my turn too. She's just so Happy. She's doing all she can to be sensitive and not give me updates unless I ask and all that, but she's unmistakably glowing already and I'm just jealous. No way around it.

My HSG is scheduled for Monday. There was a big mix-up getting it scheduled and I nearly bit someone's head off the other day. In the end, I forgot to remind the inept admin staff at my NP's office that she wanted me to start on an antibiotic and take some Vicodin pre-procedure. I'll call tomorrow to request the scripts. I'm not calling before then or they might realize their mistake in scheduling it Monday morning (a mistake that works in my favor) and tell me I have to have the test tomorrow, and I just couldn't cope with that little development right now.

I know this will pass. It always does. This is just a low point and things will go back up. This rough patch has just lingered longer than any thus far.

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