baby step

I've had a breakthrough. It's a tiny one, but that's all I'm hopin' for these days.

Last night I was thinking about the millions upon millions of possible DNA combinations between sperm and egg and how crazy it is that at some point, this process is going to work and a whole brand new person is going to come into existence - a product of a towering number of tiny variables. (Sidebar: In order to understand my point of view on this, you have to know that despite the impatient venting that frequently appears in this blog, I do genuinely believe that everything happens for a reason, and at the right time... but it doesn't stop me from wishing that right time was sooner rather than later.) Anyway, I had a lightbulb moment when I realized that if this process works even a month (or day or hour) sooner than it is "supposed to," our entire future family will change. Think of the difference between you and your sibling(s). Same sperm provider + same egg provider = totally different people.

The not knowing how long we will have to wait makes the interim months hard, but it doesn't change the fact that there is a certain formula for the creation of our family and if we wish for that to change (i.e. TTC working sooner rather than later), we are actually wishing for a different child than the one we are destined to have. Let's say I'm supposed to get pregnant on try #12. If I were to get pregnant on any of the previous 11 tries, I would be deprived of ever meeting the amazing person that is supposed to come into our lives. That doesn't make the first 11 tries any less disappointing, but I'm hoping this new perspective will help me make some sort of sense of it. We'll see. :-)