Tuesday, July 10, 2007

HSG... check.

The HSG is behind me. It was worse than I hoped but better than I feared, so all in all, I guess that's not bad. However, if I ever have to do another one it will be too soon.

The radiologist said everything looked good. Of course. One more test to tell me there is no reason why I shouldn't already by pregnant. I wish that results like that could be good news, but at this point, they just freak me out. It's just one more "fixable" thing checked off our list of possibilities. The radiologist said he would go over the images in detail and get a final report to the NP by today. I'll call sometime this week to check in since I know she won't call me. Now it is just a waiting game. Our next insemination should be sometime during the second week of August.

I had a really bad night on Friday. It had been building all week and it had to come out sometime, I guess. Some unexpected news ended up being the straw that broke the camel's back and all of the sudden it was like ALL of my grief over our journey so far welled up and spilled over. M and I talked a lot about options and the current thinking is to give this NP one or two more tries, then move on to someone who is willing to be more aggressive. That will be tough to do logistically because of my alter ego (you know, the one who is intimately involved with my brother-in-law, uh, I mean, my heterosexual partner?) but we'll figure it out. I don't have the emotional stamina to keep doing what we're doing with no success and no escalation in sight.

I'm also looking into options for counseling. I seem to have turned an emotional corner this month and I need some help keeping one foot in front of the other. There have been hard times every cycle around each negative result, but they always pass within a day or two. I'm now going into my third week of feeling really low, and that's no good. Before we started, I told myself it could take a while - years, even - but I knew immediately after our first negative result, and have learned more and more each day since, that I never really believed that. There is a part of me that never imagined for a moment that I wouldn't be pregnant by now. That same part of me still can't quite believe it or come to terms with it, and that leaves me feeling really scared and powerless. I've (now) had nearly every test in the book and there is no medical reason why I am not already pregnant. We've been at this for nearly a year and it's like we're exactly where we started - no, worse off than where we started because we now have 7 failed attempts under our belts and a long list of "easy fixes" that we are not candidates for.

*Sigh* I'm sorry I've been so miserable to get updates from lately. Imagine living with me. Poor M! :-/ This is just a tough month but it WILL get better. I know it will.

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