still here, more or less

The wedding last weekend was great – very beautiful and very HOT. I learned the hard way that my pregnant self is a lot worse at tolerating the heat than my un-pregnant self, and that’s saying something ‘cause my un-pregnant self sucks at it. I have the utmost sympathy for women that spend the summer in the third trimester. I can’t imagine. So, after roasting myself for three days straight, I spent two full days recovering on the couch. My work has been such a ridiculous drain for the last two (well, three now) weeks, my boss gave me Monday off as “comp” time, which we don’t even officially have. I didn’t work any extra hours over the two preceding weeks, but I did work my tail off while I was there, and she noticed, which is really nice. If she hadn’t given me the day off, I’d have had to call in sick as I was in no state to attempt a vertical orientation. I slept most of Sunday and Monday and limped back into work on Tuesday, a moderately recovered version of myself… just in time for the madness to start again.

I got a promotion at work and I’m struggling a bit with the adjustment. I’m behind on my normal duties because of some out-of-the-ordinary tasks I took on this month, and I now have a whole host of new duties as well. Fun! I’m slowly getting caught up, one late night at the office at a time, and I’m hoping to be totally on top of things by the end of this month.

In pregnancy news, I feel… pretty lousy. I’m beyond exhausted and I’m unpredictably ravenous or repulsed by food, depending on which way the wind blows. No throwing up yet – just a little queasiness a lot of the time. My biggest shock is definitely the freakish extent of my bloating. My weight is within a single pound of what it was a month before we even began IVF, yet I’m out of all but one pair of pre-pregnancy pants. It’s not so bad in the morning, but by evening, I look like every bite of food I’ve consumed all day is just hanging out on my stomach for all the world to see. Between the IVF hormone, OHSS carryover and early pregnancy triple bloat and the facts that I (a) generally carry all of my extra weight in my tummy and (b) have hips that sit roughly in the region of my armpits (read: nowhere to go but OUT) – I am one gigantic 8w 2d pregnant lady.

I’m also nervous as all hell. Our next ultrasound is Tuesday and despite all of my efforts to avoid it, I’ve become totally dependent on medical reassurance that all is well – as if such a thing even exists. We all know stories of people who’ve been reassured at every turn and still encountered devastating and unfair outcomes. I’m petrified that we’re going to show up on Tuesday in our little cap and gown, all set for our big graduation to the OB, and they are going to dismantle us in a single blow with, “I’m sorry, we seem to have lost the heartbeat,” or “Hmm, no growth since the last scan. That’s not good.” I’ve seen it happen to more deserving women than us, and there is a part of me that still believes all this is just too good to be true – plain and simple.

Heart-stopping fear notwithstanding, we’ve started sharing our news with IRL friends and it’s been a blast. I’ve been hugged so tightly my sunglasses flew off my head, yelled at in excitement, and empathized with by morning sickness survivors. We’ve received the sweetest cards from friends and family near and far. I’m a little nervous that we’re jinxing ourselves by opening up so early, or that we’re setting ourselves up for some awkward conversations if things don’t continue to go well, but we decided we wanted our friends to know what was going on, no matter the outcome. Today, we’re pregnant, and that is a triumph to be celebrated. Telling people just feels like an important part of embracing the positive and the hopeful – diving in head first, if you will. If the worst case scenario comes to pass, we’ll need the support of our friends then, too, and we suspect it will be easier to ask for if they already know what’s going on.

In less than a week, we’re headed out to my parents’ house for a big family gathering and we plan to share our good news there too. (See, more wanton disregard for the hurdle to be cleared between now and then – aren’t we just little optimists?) Our tentative plan is to paint a serving dish or bowl with the words “K & M are having a baby!” or something like that, then serve dinner in it the first night we’re there. It’ll be like one of those puzzles where you uncover one square at a time and have to figure out the picture underneath. What was that old game show? Concentration? Anyway, we’ll see if the heat relents enough for us to venture out this weekend to paint pottery. If we can’t muster the motivation, we may go to plan B which involves recording a talking picture frame for my grandmother to congratulate her on becoming a great-grandmother for the first time. I’m excited about either option, so we may just see what kind of mood we’re in come Sunday (i.e. shopping/craft day). Other than that, my plan for the weekend includes 3 new Netflix arriving today, round-the-clock air conditioning, and a bunch of naps. After my last three weeks at work, I am really looking forward to putting my feet up for a while!