I had my first TTC-but-not-BFN-inspired breakdown today. M is out of town and I've been muddling my way through one hell of a logistical nightmare. I'm not even sure where to start in explaining all this.
Here are the known facts:
1. M and I have decided to expand our efforts to include one intra-uterine insemination (IUI) in the NP's office (all we can afford at the moment) per cycle.
2. My ovulation, which is typically very regular, was about 5-6 days late last cycle, making it very difficult to predict when I will ovulate this cycle.
3. If I were to ovulate "on time" this cycle, it will likely fall between Friday, 3/23 and Sunday, 3/25.
4. If I ovulate on Saturday or Sunday, we are S.O.L. as the NP only does inseminations Monday through Friday. (Technically, we can go in on Friday or Monday, whichever seems closer, but the farther you get away from ovulation, the less likely you are to be successful and therefore the less rational it seems to spend the big bucks.)
5. KD's boss who earned MVP honors last month by letting KD telecommute (read: stay with us for longer) has decided that's not going to fly this month. KD has generously offered to take vacation time to fly out, but the longest he can get away for is a weekend plus two business days.
6. In order to have an IUI, we have to take the power point slides to a cryobank and have them processed. The cryobank charges a hefty amount of money for this, of course.
7. In order to continue IUI's over the next few months when KD's schedule gets crazy busy, we need to have banked specimens there. (keep adding up the $$$) These specimens will either have to be deposited by KD in person, or shipped using one of the convenient yet suspicious (in my opinion) shippers offered by the bank (more $$$).
8. In order to bank specimens there, KD and I have to go in together, in person, and LIE, saying we are a heterosexual couple that are using assisted reproductive technology due to living apart from each other right now. More precisely, we have to tell this lie so that they will not quarantine his sperm for 6 months while he proves he was not HIV positive at the time of the deposit. This little lie also knocks our fee for the deposit down by about $1500. Yes, I recently found out the exact price tag on my integrity, folks.
9. In order to bank specimens there (yup, there's more), KD and I both have to have a mile-long list of tests done. I had mine done this past week at the NP's. KD will get his at the cryobank when he is out here next, and they'll only cost us a measly $450!
10. One can only generate so many power point slides in a day.
11. The cryobank is only open from 8am to 4pm, Monday through Friday. Please refer back to #5, and remember that it takes an entire day to travel from KD to us by plane. So, even if KD takes the first morning flight out, he won't make it here in time to visit the cryobank that same day.
12. Starting next month, KD launches a major project and won't be able to come out again for more than a regular weekend until at least July.
13. For some unexplainable reason, all of the flights between our two cities are booked for the weekend in question and the fares are $540+ across the board.
And this is where my head explodes.
Do we have KD come out at all, or do we put off IUIs for another month and send me to him? If he comes here, what combination of home business meetings, banked samples, and clinic IUIs do we do? What combination of those things can we afford? If I go there this month, that means NOT using the cryobank services at all until KD has a chance to come out here again to open the account with me. How will we feel about having made that decision three months from now? Can I keep traveling out there all those months if needed to keep trying a process that hasn't worked so far? Or, are we moving to IUI too fast? I mean, can we seriously justify spending $2000 or more on TTC this month? What if I don't ovulate while he's here? Should we have him come Thursday through Sunday, in hopes I'll ovulate Friday? Should we assume my ovulation will be late again and have him come Saturday through Tuesday? How many minutes or hours do we have to make this decision before the airfares go up again?
My reserve for coping with this is low. I am sick and M is out of town visiting a friend. I only got to talk to her for a few minutes today, and unfortunately - albeit predictably - that's when I had the breakdown. A few tears later, we realized we needed to prioritize. We decided that objective #1 has to be getting the account set up at the cryobank. Checking this off the list will give us a lot of options over the next few months, and it's our only chance to do it before mid/late summer. Even if we get nothing else accomplished on this trip of KD's, that will be a significant step. From there, objectives #2 and #3 are doing a clinic IUI and banking a deposit, in that order. If the timing works out and we have the money in the bank account to do an IUI in the clinic while he's here, perfect. If not but we're able to bank a sample, that'll be good too. If we run out of time or money for either of those things, no big deal as long as we accomplish objective #1. We decided to fly KD out Thursday through Sunday. If by Sunday morning, I have not ovulated, we can can always do one at-home business meeting before he leaves and cross our fingers, but again, objective #1 is the priority. I thought I would feel sad about possibly losing the opportunity to try this cycle, but mostly, I just feel relieved to have a workable plan.
This TTC stuff is not for sissies.
KD is simply amazing. His altruism blows me away. I don't know what it is inside him that prompted him to agree to get involved in this crazy business, and keeps him committed as this drags on and becomes more complicated. I only know that words completely fail me when I try to express how grateful I am to him. I would like to think that if the roles were reversed, I would be as empowering and generous of spirit. I hope that I would. He has one hell of a sense of humor about the whole thing, too. Reading his blog on the subject is a trip.
So there's the update, for now. I'll post more after his visit. I'm sure we'll have lots of fun stories from our acting performance in cryobank-land.