outmatched

I'm feeling outmatched by my life right now.

This post has been brewing for a few days, and when it started, it was going to simply be an "I really, really hope I get pregnant this cycle" post. Since then it has been trying to evolve into a raging vent with lots of swear words. I'm hoping to meet myself somewhere in the middle here.

Here's the "I really, really hope I'm pregnant" part:
I am so very tired of this rollercoaster. I have been living my life in two week increments for 15 months now, and each month, I spend at least one day soaring on the highest highs and another weathering the lowest lows. It's downright draining. If this cycle works, my due date will be August 30th. This would suck from a weather standpoint, but that's why God invented air conditioning, right? From every other angle, it would be perfect. M would be totally done with school so she wouldn't have to tear herself away from a newborn to deal with class stuff. It would be early enough to not interfere with our goal to move in the fall but late enough that I probably wouldn't have to go back to work after my maternity leave. It really is just kind of perfect. Also, we were able to use KD as the donor, something we might not be able to do again for a few months.

Since then, I've become totally overwhelmed with all this TTC nonsense, and I am sooooo ready to be done, and not in the fun, optimistic "Gee, I really hope this is my month!" way. I had the consult with the RE last Wednesday and it was completely depressing. I don't even know where to start in explaining why.

1. She is not willing to use KD's stored vials without them passing quarantine. I knew this would be the case, but it still felt like a punch to the gut for some reason. The reality is that KD is who we want to use, and despite all the rationalizing I did to come to terms with using an anonymous donor, KD is still my first choice. At the time, I could justify the switch by needing to rule out incompatibility issues between KD and I. But now, with two failed inseminations using KFed (half the medical "best practice" for ruling out donor issues, but still), I feel comfortable enough to want to proceed with KD as the donor, whatever that takes. I think I talked her into compromising on the quarantine issue enough to count the time the samples have already been in storage toward our 6 months (giving them a release date of 2/1/08), but I won't count that chicken until it's hatched, grown, and laying eggs of it's own. Not after the experience we had with the evil cryobank.

2. I went in with a mental list a mile long of options I expected to be presented with: injectibles, trigger shots, mid-cycle ultrasound monitoring, laparoscopy... She suggested none of these. What she suggested was repeating an ultrasound I had several months ago, 2-3 more cycles with Clomid (but at 100mg. rather than 50mg.), then IVF. That's all folks. I have wrestled with this nonstop since my appointment. I feel like we've paid our dues and I'm ready to fast track this pregnancy. For perspective, you have to remember that we're figuring we only have 3-4 more months to try before we have to take a year off to relocate. So, if IVF is what it will take, then IVF it is, and bring it on sooner than later, please. I just can't believe I'm really at that point. The only explanation I've come up with for why she didn't suggest any of those other options - right or wrong - is that they are all designed to address specific fertility issues, none of which I have based on the battery of tests I've completed. So I guess she's just not wanting to waste time on fixes for things that ain't broke. I'm just disappointed that she didn't think any of those things were worth trying. I really wanted her to believe that those options were viable for me, not in a patronizing or indulgent way, but in a genuine, I-believe-you-CAN-get-pregnant way. It's heartbreaking to hear that the professional opinion is that my only hope is a couple tries with one drug, then IVF. I'm thinking about getting a second opinion. The only problem is time. The waiting period for new patients is 2+ months in most practices - that's what it took me to get in with her. Also, she wants to hit the ground running with the ultrasound and 100mg. Clomid pretty much the second my period arrives, which is less than two weeks away. That doesn't give me a lot of time to make a decision about possibly switching doctors. The more I think and talk this out, the more I realize I need to at least have a consult with someone else, just for my own peace of mind, so I'll work on that. And I guess I'll probably just be stuck with her in the interim, which isn't a big deal. It's only money, and my sanity of course. The one other thing I'm thinking of doing is going back to her and (a) flat-out requesting a laparoscopy - no reason she shouldn't want to do that if I'm willing to pay her for it, and (b) informing her that if all she's planning to do is Clomid and IUIs, no ultrasound monitoring or mid-cycle bloodwork, I'd like to do that with my NP who charges half as much as she does, and return to her having saved up our $$ for IVF when the time comes to cross that bridge. Of course, I have to check with the NP and make sure she will prescribe the 100 mg. of Clomid, but I don't think that will be a problem. You're starting to see the issue though, right? Too many variables. Too many possible configurations. And the clock continues to tick...

I go through periods of feeling more and less sad about my own inability to get pregnant, more and less jealous of others who become pregnant so easily, and more and less desperate about my prospects of ever having a successful pregnancy. Lately, I've just been feeling "more" on all counts. Some days, I'm able to see my infertility as a gift, believe it or not. It's taught me so much about myself and M and our relationship, and helped me to empathize with a community of women who have endured this same challenge that simply can't be understood without having experienced it. But for the last week or so, I've just felt really sad about it all and wanted to go back to the blissful ignorance in which I conceived of myself as a healthy, normal person.

My non-TTC life has been a complete disaster lately, and that's not helping me have the emotional stamina I need to deal with all of this. M and I are both so ridiculously busy, we're lucky if we see each other for 10 waking minutes each day. We are beyond broke. I overdrew our checking account this week - something I haven't done in a looooong time and I'm at a loss to describe how much this stresses and frustrates me. I am drowning at work from having so much time off this month and last month. I feel like I'm on some kind of revolving object (merry-go-round? sit-n-spin?) and it keeps going faster and faster and faster as the world around me dissolves further and further into one big blur. Even acupuncture isn't cutting through the fog right now, and that's been my silver bullet for the last few months.

I have a decent break coming up for Christmas with M's family, and the guest list and agenda (or lack thereof, more accurately) pretty much guarantee that it will be a week o' awesomeness. Still, there's a part of me that is anxious about it because it's more time away from work, and being behind there is a big chunk of what is making me feel out of control right now. Once I get back on top of things at work - and it's totally realistic to do this before my last day in the office on 12/21 - I'm sure I'll be as overjoyed about having the week off as I am about the company I get to spend it with.

Really, what I need to do is sit still and think and talk about all of this. There is an answer and it's already in me somewhere. I just need to find it. I called M this afternoon and scheduled a "team meeting" for this weekend, so hopefuly we'll be able to work some things out. I have a feeling it will involve a significant amount of surrender.