moving on

No luck this time. I feel kind of silly even posting it after 10 failures, like it should go without saying.

My mood is okay. I'm definitely a little down, but noticeably less so than on previous failed cycles. I had a hard day on Tuesday when I finally accepted the stack of negative pregnancy tests in the wastebasket, but again, not as bad as it has been in the past. I think I'm (finally) acknowledging to myself that this will probably take a lot more time, if it works at all. I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing. To be honest, it certainly makes the BFNs easier to deal with. On the other hand, I hate the idea of losing faith in myself under any circumstances. Oh well, I'm just along for the ride and if there's one thing I've learned, it's not to bother trying to control my feelings about this stuff.

I can't remember if I mentioned on here that the NP referred me to an RE. I don't think I did. We had the talk I wanted to have and she basically said that she has done everything for me that she can. I took the first available appointment with the doc she referred me to and it was DECEMBER 18TH - over 2 months from the date I made the appointment. Good grief. I called back this morning and switched it to one of the newer doctors in the practice, and I still couldn't get in before November 29th. So, we still have one full cycle before we see her. I'm not sure yet how aggressive we're going to be this time. This might be a good month to save some money before the RE bills start rolling in.

I just typed this next paragraph about a dozen times and deleted every draft. I'm sticking with this one, for better or for worse! :-) I was trying to explain how this journey teaches me, in tidy monthly increments, that there is no true acceptance, only stages of it. Every month, I say all the right things to myself about how it is going to take time, yet I'm still surprised and unprepared when it doesn't work. So, I can't say that I've finally accepted that this is going to take a long time, because I'm sure what feels like acceptance now will seem diminshed in hindsight. What I can say is that I seem to have taken a big step toward accepting it. Despite knowing it "could" be a long journey when we started, I later found out that I'd had no doubt I would be pregnant by my 2Xth birthday (yup, a mere 2 cycles after we started - wasn't I cute and naive?), and after that, by my 2Yth. I remember on my 2Xth birthday thinking I was being so generous by giving myself another year! Anyway, last week I caught myself wondering whether it would be realistic to think I'll be pregnant by the time I turn 30, and feeling that at best, I'd give myself 50/50 odds of that happening. It's entirely possible that as that milestone rolls around (if not before), I'll realize that I didn't actually believe I wouldn't be pregnant by then, but we'll see. I feel like I finally expect this to be a marathon, no asterisk or fine print included. I think the difference is that I'm finally conceiving of myself as having Unexplained Infertility, a label I've rejected until now. Maybe it was making the appointment with the RE that caused the shift, or maybe it's crossing over the one year marker. Whatever it is, it feels like a good development in that it is easing my expectations and bringing some form of peace, even if there is some sadness as well.

We'll get our family. I know we will. If I really stretch, I can even find a part of me that's kind of excited to see what crazy not-yet-dreamed-of way in which it will find us.