deep breath in

I'm trying a new approach to this cycle - hopefully it will help me not obsess so much. It may flop, we'll see. :-) All I know is I can't do whatever happened last month again. It was too much for me, too much for M... just too much.

I'm taking a break from charting (OCD beasts, be still), I'm staying away from all but one of my online communities, and I'm trying to focus on other things. It's only day 4, but it's working well so far - knock on wood. It seems like I think about it less and less with each passing day, which is really nice. I have no idea what went so wrong for me emotionally last cycle. First and foremost, there was some other body weirdness going on that coincided with what would have been pregnancy implantation time leading me to have all sorts of strange symptoms. It was probably a cyst or something, but it got my hopes up a little too high for my own good. Also, I think telling my parents was a mistake. Well, not a mistake, exactly. It certainly made negotiating the schedule overlap easier and it was really, really nice to get to see them. But I think it put a lot more pressure on this last cycle than I realized. As much as I know intellectually that my inability to get pregnant is not some form of personal failure (and I DO know that, in my head), that's still the way it *feels* to me and it was embarassing and stressful to know that my parents were witnesses to my latest incident of inadequacy.

Buuuut... All of that is irrelevant now that we're in the zen cycle. :-) My goal for the next week is to lose track of what cycle day I am on. So far, so good. I actually had to look at the calendar to figure out today was day 4 when I typed it above. Usually I know my cycle day as clearly as I know my own name. The plan is to reduce my consciousness to the bare minimum. The first thing I *have* to do is start daily OPK-result phone calls to the NP on Mother's Day, and my plan is to ask M to remind me to do that, then LET GO of it myself. I found a local acupunturist who specializes in fertililty. Now whether we'll be able to afford for me to go is another question, but not one that needs to be addressed at the moment. I also printed out an updated yoga schedule for the gym.

Cue new leaf.