damn

We're back on a break. :-(

I went to the doctor this morning to follow up on the sinus problems I've been having. Along with the holidays, the sinus problems were the primary reason we took a break in December - I wanted to pursue more aggressive medical intervention. For some reason, it never crossed my mind that she might ask me to take another break. (Stupid, in hindsight.) My condition improved after the last round of treatment - not 100%, but better - so I guess I just thought I'd be able to go ahead and we'd get rid of the remaining issues concurrently. This is not to be. I go in tomorrow for a CT scan and she started me on 14 more days of the big antibiotics (bad for babies-to-be) and 12 days of prednizone. Once she gets the result of the CT, we'll make plans for any further interventions... surgery or saline something... I don't know. Frankly, she lost me at "you need to take one more cycle off".

I'm SO devastated. I was doing great at the beginning of the break last cycle, but became really impatient during the second half. My survival strategy was focusing on this month's try and counting the minutes until I got there. Now I have to hold off again. And there's no guarantee that we'll be able to go ahead in February, either. We'll have to wait to get the CT results to make plans on that. She gave me the option of going ahead with this cycle - as all good doctors should - but said I needed to let her know right then if I was going to despite her advice because she'd switch me to some weaker antibiotics and postpone everything else. She said this is not the treatment she'd recommend (obviously), but it's what she would need to do if I said I was going to continue TTC right now. I have to admit, I was tempted. Fortunately I had the presence of mind not to make a bad decision just because I was upset and told her I'd take the break. The thing is, there is no potential good outcome of me going ahead with TTC this cycle. If I do not get pregnant, then the trip was a waste, I'm still sick, and I'm right back where I started with the same decision to make regarding next cycle. If I did get pregnant, then I'd be trying to treat the same chronic problems with way less artillery available to me.

M has been a total sweetheart about the whole thing. I called her in tears from the doctor's parking lot and she encouraged me to call in sick for the rest of today, which I did. Then she brought me flowers when she came home. She's a keeper. I think we're going to head out in search of something fun to take our minds off the setback. I don't know what yet, but I have a feeling keeping busy is going to become an important part of my strategy for the next few weeks. My last post couldn't have been more timely, huh?