Ow, ow, owwwwww! Any and all tips welcome.
ETA: Sorry. SPD for those who have been lucky enough to avoid it (as I was for the entirety of my last pregnancy) is this.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Friday, February 17, 2012
first major milestone
24 weeks today, and I have to admit I'm not breathing the sigh of relief I expected to.
On one hand, we're at 24 weeks! Hooray! If something awful happened and the babies had to come tomorrow, they'd have a reasonable chance of surviving.
On the other hand, we're at 24 weeks! Scary! That is still so early, and they have so much more growing to do before we can genuinely expect good health outcomes.
(I don't have any reason to believe they won't continue to bake for another 2-3 months. I'm just being neurotic.)
So, in an effort to ditch my Debbie Downer attitude (because - Hey! 24 weeks! Viability! Yeah!) I now present this list of Very Cool Things:
On one hand, we're at 24 weeks! Hooray! If something awful happened and the babies had to come tomorrow, they'd have a reasonable chance of surviving.
On the other hand, we're at 24 weeks! Scary! That is still so early, and they have so much more growing to do before we can genuinely expect good health outcomes.
(I don't have any reason to believe they won't continue to bake for another 2-3 months. I'm just being neurotic.)
So, in an effort to ditch my Debbie Downer attitude (because - Hey! 24 weeks! Viability! Yeah!) I now present this list of Very Cool Things:
- Baby B is kicking away as I write this post and if I stop typing for a minute and look down at my belly, I can see it twitching and jumping from the outside.
- E moved into his new bedroom last week. It was really fun (and a LOT of work) getting it all set up, picking out "big boy" furnishings and accessories, and moving all of his books and toys into his new space. He'll be three in less than a month, but somehow, it's the move to the big boy room that has me all misty over how fast he's growing. He seems to dig the new room for everything but sleeping right now, but we'll get there. Change is hard.
- We're struggling something awful with names. We are pretty sure we have one first name picked out, but the second one just isn't falling into place, and we haven't even begun to discuss middle names. E has had two consistent suggestions since the day we told him he was getting little brothers: Crash and Bash. Hmmm.
- E is excited, if confused, about the impending arrival of his brothers. Every time our dog barks, signaling someone has arrived at our house (or any of our nearby neighbors'), E's eyes turn to saucers and he exclaims "My brothers are here!" Freaking. Adorable.
- The babies were 1lb. 1oz and 1lb 2ozs. at my ultrasound almost two weeks ago. Not too shabby. I'm hoping my random appetite surge of the past week indicates a decent growth spurt since then, too. (The amount of food I have consumed since last Friday is truly shocking. I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't watched it pass my lips.) C'mon babies! Keep on growing!
- And one obnoxious brag: Peter and the Wolf has been on heavy rotation in my car for months now, and E has long been able to identify the different instrument families in it, and other pieces of classical music as well. During the last few days, he has also started singing the instrumental parts along with the CD when it plays. His favorite is Grandfather. His brain is so amazing.
Monday, February 13, 2012
you can't unring a bell
I have been writing this post in my head for well over a month and even have a few attempts saved in my drafts folder. On one hand, I want to capture our processing of all that has happened in full, technicolor detail. On the other, it feels too personal to share; uncharted territory for me, considering all the gut-spilling I’ve done on this blog over the years, but there it is. But, I want to share why I’ve been so silent, here and in your comments sections, and also get you up to speed on where we are now, so here is the nutshell version:
When we went for our “first look” ultrasound in November, Baby B’s NT measurement was high and we were given 1:86 odds of Down Syndrome, compared with 1:2611 on Baby A. Baby B’s risks of other trisomies were elevated as well. We told no one for weeks until I finally opened up to two friends – one over email and one during a weekend lunch date in which I held her hostage for four long, self-absorbed hours. M and I did a bunch of research and soul-searching and doctor-grilling and decided to book an amnio during the same office visit as our early-January anatomy scan with the hope of declining the amnio on the spot if Baby B’s heart and other organs looked okay on the ultrasound. And – thankfully – we were able to do just that when Baby B sailed through without a hitch. As did his brother. (Did you catch that? We decided to find out the sexes this time and we are having two more boys. Heaven help us.) We’ve had one more in-depth cardio scan since that ultrasound and everything still looks good. They will continue to look at the boys’ hearts monthly from here on out, along with the standard growth scans. (The anatomy scan also revealed that Baby A’s placenta is completely covering my cervix, but it’s early, so I’m hoping it will move away with time.)
The weeks between the NT scan and the Amnio-That-Wasn’t were dark times. I have never felt so vulnerable. Even though I knew Baby B's odds weren’t that bad in the grand scheme of things (1:86 = 1.2%), they seemed enormous compared to Baby A’s and it put an impenetrable dark cloud over my pregnancy as a whole. Before the NT scan, I’d been anxiously awaiting the end of the first trimester to shout our news from the rooftops. As it turned out, we had very close friends who didn’t even know I was pregnant until just shy of 17 weeks. Basically, if I didn’t *have* to tell someone because they came face to face with my rapidly growing belly, they didn’t get to know. I was terrified to tell anyone about the babies in case one or both would not be ours to keep. I felt like a fraud every time I told someone it was twins; like I needed to follow it up with “…but, one of them may be very sick.” It sounds like an overreaction now, but at the time, the fear was paralyzing. Around 13-14 weeks, I realized my subconscious had built a protective wall between me and my pregnancy and I'd prevented myself from developing a connection to the babies. It freaked me out and I launched a concerted effort to tell more people, and then to lock in on their excitement and try desperately to make it my own, but I just couldn’t. The fear was stronger than any amount of will or logic.
Ultimately, telling more people (including the eventual FB announcement) and the two clear scans have helped a lot, but the fear has left its mark as well. I no longer fear for Baby B’s health in the specific, intense way I once did, but the sense of vulnerability remains, similar to how your calf aches the morning after a charlie horse woke you during the night. The experience has been a powerful reminder of how fragile everything is, how little control we have, and how quickly things can change or be lost. I’ve had intermittent cramping and spotting over the past few weeks (too much activity, I’m sure) and at one point, I felt so worried it was the beginning of the end, I called my OB and went in right away (sooo not my style), only to learn my cervix was long and closed and perfect.
I will be 24 weeks on Friday. So close, I can taste it. I couldn’t be more anxious to reach a milestone.
When we went for our “first look” ultrasound in November, Baby B’s NT measurement was high and we were given 1:86 odds of Down Syndrome, compared with 1:2611 on Baby A. Baby B’s risks of other trisomies were elevated as well. We told no one for weeks until I finally opened up to two friends – one over email and one during a weekend lunch date in which I held her hostage for four long, self-absorbed hours. M and I did a bunch of research and soul-searching and doctor-grilling and decided to book an amnio during the same office visit as our early-January anatomy scan with the hope of declining the amnio on the spot if Baby B’s heart and other organs looked okay on the ultrasound. And – thankfully – we were able to do just that when Baby B sailed through without a hitch. As did his brother. (Did you catch that? We decided to find out the sexes this time and we are having two more boys. Heaven help us.) We’ve had one more in-depth cardio scan since that ultrasound and everything still looks good. They will continue to look at the boys’ hearts monthly from here on out, along with the standard growth scans. (The anatomy scan also revealed that Baby A’s placenta is completely covering my cervix, but it’s early, so I’m hoping it will move away with time.)
The weeks between the NT scan and the Amnio-That-Wasn’t were dark times. I have never felt so vulnerable. Even though I knew Baby B's odds weren’t that bad in the grand scheme of things (1:86 = 1.2%), they seemed enormous compared to Baby A’s and it put an impenetrable dark cloud over my pregnancy as a whole. Before the NT scan, I’d been anxiously awaiting the end of the first trimester to shout our news from the rooftops. As it turned out, we had very close friends who didn’t even know I was pregnant until just shy of 17 weeks. Basically, if I didn’t *have* to tell someone because they came face to face with my rapidly growing belly, they didn’t get to know. I was terrified to tell anyone about the babies in case one or both would not be ours to keep. I felt like a fraud every time I told someone it was twins; like I needed to follow it up with “…but, one of them may be very sick.” It sounds like an overreaction now, but at the time, the fear was paralyzing. Around 13-14 weeks, I realized my subconscious had built a protective wall between me and my pregnancy and I'd prevented myself from developing a connection to the babies. It freaked me out and I launched a concerted effort to tell more people, and then to lock in on their excitement and try desperately to make it my own, but I just couldn’t. The fear was stronger than any amount of will or logic.
Ultimately, telling more people (including the eventual FB announcement) and the two clear scans have helped a lot, but the fear has left its mark as well. I no longer fear for Baby B’s health in the specific, intense way I once did, but the sense of vulnerability remains, similar to how your calf aches the morning after a charlie horse woke you during the night. The experience has been a powerful reminder of how fragile everything is, how little control we have, and how quickly things can change or be lost. I’ve had intermittent cramping and spotting over the past few weeks (too much activity, I’m sure) and at one point, I felt so worried it was the beginning of the end, I called my OB and went in right away (sooo not my style), only to learn my cervix was long and closed and perfect.
I will be 24 weeks on Friday. So close, I can taste it. I couldn’t be more anxious to reach a milestone.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
2011 Holiday Craft Exchange
It's our second year participating in the Holiday Craft Exchange organized by the amazing S over at An Offering of Love. Things have been so hectic lately, I all but forgot something would be coming to me as well. This is how I found myself staring, puzzled, at the unfamiliar return address on an envelope that arrived yesterday. I opened it up and discovered these three adorable photo frame ornaments, crafted especially for us by the family at That's A Lot of Esses. I can't wait to fill them with pictures of our THREE children next Christmas! It turns out we have a lot in common with the Esses - both of our families have one (adorable) boy here and twins due this June - so I am grateful not only for the ornaments, but also for being introduced to their wonderful blog. Thanks so much to Leander and his mommies!
Go here to see what other participants received!
P.S. The craft we made for another blogger family is going out in tomorrow's mail. We were thwarted by a supply shortage and it took a couple of days to squeeze in the necessary shopping mission. But, I sealed up the box tonight and it will be on it's way soon!
Go here to see what other participants received!
P.S. The craft we made for another blogger family is going out in tomorrow's mail. We were thwarted by a supply shortage and it took a couple of days to squeeze in the necessary shopping mission. But, I sealed up the box tonight and it will be on it's way soon!
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
You know you're tired when...
I work in the "penthouse" of my office building (a hilarious term considering people regularly smoke/drink/fight/sleep in our stairwell and there's fresh urine in the elevator at least once a week) and the bottom floor is a dialysis clinic. Every day, I walk in and out past their large picture windows and look in at the rows of turquoise vinyl-covered recliners, each surrounded by a dozen pieces of medical equipment and a 9-inch television monitor on a retractable arm. And every day this week, I have thought "Man, if only I had kidney failure, someone would make me sit in one place with my feet up and my own tv for several hours a day, several days a week. I'd probably even get a blanket with no pet hair on it." True story.
I am in that part of pregnancy where you are so exhausted to the core of your being that you feel like you could sleep for the next 1000 years and still be tired. My body aches from it. M has been awesome, picking up all kinds of slack around the house while I lay useless on the couch, but I still have a full-time job that is an 11 on the stress meter right now, two more weeks of a 3-hour class to teach (including a final assignment to grade 24 copies of), time-sensitive tasks to complete for two separate boards/committees (not that I'm doing any of the things I'm supposed to be doing for either), and a toddler to feed, bathe, clothe and care for. It's a lot, and I'm looking forward to having a few days off.
I have so much more I want to write about, but I have GOT to get some things crossed off my list at work. More over the weekend, I hope. If not, I want to say now how thankful I am for all of my blog friends. Happy Thanksgiving to all who celebrate it. I hope your holiday is warm and joyful!
I am in that part of pregnancy where you are so exhausted to the core of your being that you feel like you could sleep for the next 1000 years and still be tired. My body aches from it. M has been awesome, picking up all kinds of slack around the house while I lay useless on the couch, but I still have a full-time job that is an 11 on the stress meter right now, two more weeks of a 3-hour class to teach (including a final assignment to grade 24 copies of), time-sensitive tasks to complete for two separate boards/committees (not that I'm doing any of the things I'm supposed to be doing for either), and a toddler to feed, bathe, clothe and care for. It's a lot, and I'm looking forward to having a few days off.
I have so much more I want to write about, but I have GOT to get some things crossed off my list at work. More over the weekend, I hope. If not, I want to say now how thankful I am for all of my blog friends. Happy Thanksgiving to all who celebrate it. I hope your holiday is warm and joyful!
Friday, November 18, 2011
and... exhale
2 beautiful heartbeats = 1 very relieved mama
I would say two relieved mamas, but M informed me this afternoon that she never doubted for a moment that the babies were fine. Ah, the enviable un-damaged outlook!
One of the babies started the scan by flipping around wildly, then relaxed to a steady stream of punches and kicks. The other was cool as a cucumber the whole time. The NP and I have a difference of opinion about which baby was which (A or B). She's not an ultrasound expert and admitted she couldn't really tell where they were placed in the uterus. I have even less experience reading ultrasounds, but I have seen THESE babies two more times than she has, and I also know that Baby B has been our big acrobat thus far.
Appointments are every two weeks for now. That is a welcome change from the one month wait between reassurances with E! First trimester screen will be in the next 2-3 weeks too, if the MFM can fit me in. The NP was a little concerned that we're calling too late to get an appointment in time, but we'll see. Have to call there in a few minutes and hope something works out.
I feel like I've been holding my breath for the past week and a half and I can finally let it out. So, so grateful to have seen those little hearts beating away. At least for today, our surreal and amazing journey continues.
I would say two relieved mamas, but M informed me this afternoon that she never doubted for a moment that the babies were fine. Ah, the enviable un-damaged outlook!
One of the babies started the scan by flipping around wildly, then relaxed to a steady stream of punches and kicks. The other was cool as a cucumber the whole time. The NP and I have a difference of opinion about which baby was which (A or B). She's not an ultrasound expert and admitted she couldn't really tell where they were placed in the uterus. I have even less experience reading ultrasounds, but I have seen THESE babies two more times than she has, and I also know that Baby B has been our big acrobat thus far.
Appointments are every two weeks for now. That is a welcome change from the one month wait between reassurances with E! First trimester screen will be in the next 2-3 weeks too, if the MFM can fit me in. The NP was a little concerned that we're calling too late to get an appointment in time, but we'll see. Have to call there in a few minutes and hope something works out.
I feel like I've been holding my breath for the past week and a half and I can finally let it out. So, so grateful to have seen those little hearts beating away. At least for today, our surreal and amazing journey continues.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
quick update
Thank you for all the reassuring comments on my last post. It's amazing how much comfort others' words and experiences can bring.
I felt awful all day yesterday - probably stayed up too late the night before, stressing and blogging - so that relieved some of my worries as well. Next objective is to start enjoying the breaks in The Sick when they come along rather than stressing about the underlying cause of them. I'm afraid that's easier said than done, but I'm gonna give it a go.
Thanks for the doppler feedback, too. I am still on the fence. I think I'm going to try to wait for my appointment on the 18th and see how much trouble my doctor has. If she finds them easily, maybe I'll be able to as well. If she struggles, that might be a rabbit hole I'm better off avoiding. I wish I knew someone locally who had one I could borrow just to try it out, but I can't think of anyone who might. We haven't spilled the news on FB yet, but maybe once we do, I can put out the call. :-)
I felt awful all day yesterday - probably stayed up too late the night before, stressing and blogging - so that relieved some of my worries as well. Next objective is to start enjoying the breaks in The Sick when they come along rather than stressing about the underlying cause of them. I'm afraid that's easier said than done, but I'm gonna give it a go.
Thanks for the doppler feedback, too. I am still on the fence. I think I'm going to try to wait for my appointment on the 18th and see how much trouble my doctor has. If she finds them easily, maybe I'll be able to as well. If she struggles, that might be a rabbit hole I'm better off avoiding. I wish I knew someone locally who had one I could borrow just to try it out, but I can't think of anyone who might. We haven't spilled the news on FB yet, but maybe once we do, I can put out the call. :-)
Monday, November 7, 2011
Back in Crazytown
Nobody will be more relieved than I will when I finally start feeling fetal movement. Well, except M. Oh, and every last person who reads this blog. This post started out in my head with some sort of a logical flow, but it seems to have turned into a disorganized jumble of Crazy, which is probably more fitting to my mood anyway.
My confidence after last week's "perfect" scan lasted a couple of wonderfully blissful days before it started slipping through my fingers. By Friday evening, the fear had wrapped it's ice cold fingers around my heart again. I became sure that one of the babies was gone. Problem is, I'm in the no-mans-land between the RE's office and regular prenatal care, and my first appointment with my OB isn't until 11/18. Nowhere to turn for help. And what would they do for me even if I had someone to call? Neither provider offers daily peace of mind ultrasounds that I'm aware of.
I spent time I didn't have on Saturday and Sunday googling symptoms disappearing around 9 weeks (I know, I know...) and what I found just scared me all the more. Nearly every post I came across where someone mentioned their symptoms going away included the qualifier that they were still ravenously hungry, and that's the one thing that is consistently MIA around these parts. All weekend, I was "normal hungry" at best, and ate primarily because it was time to do so, not because I felt I needed to. This is a far cry from the 5-6 meals a day I desperately required to feel remotely human during weeks 6 through 8. I still feel pregnant most of the time, but I feel pregnant with one instead of two. The first few weeks were so intense and... different... but now I just feel the same as I did with E - kinda hungry, kinda queasy, kinda tired, kinda heartburn-y, and kinda normal sometimes too. Really, all of the symptoms I'm left with could just be from the progesterone. I swear that my belly bump is smaller today. And, after weeks of practically falling asleep at my desk at 2pm, I worked an hour late tonight because M and E were out together. It's 10pm now and I'm still not all that tired.
Also of concern:
As part of my internet meanderings of the weekend, I trolled various blog rolls to locate every twin pregnancy blog I could find. I figured out how old their children are now and counted backward to find the first trimester section of their archives. I learned that I am in good company. It seems that nearly every twin mom-to-be, at least those who have gone through infertility along the way, experiences one or more periods of being utterly certain it's all over. And yet, in every blog I found, those intuitions turned out to be incorrect. Seeing that helped, and is a big part of why I wanted to write this post even though I'm sure it's annoying to read.
I'm thinking of renting a doppler. I considered one early on in my pregnancy with E but then decided against it after my own OB had a very difficult time locating his heartbeat at one of my appointments. If she couldn't find his heartbeat using her expertise and professional-grade equipment, what hope did I have? I resisted a week at a time and, finally, was able to feel regular movement so it became a moot point. This time around, I feel so anxious and so worried and so sure that something is wrong, I kind of don't see how it could make things worse. I have realistic expectations - I know that I might not always be able to find one or both heartbeats, and that even when I can, it might take a while to do so. I think I could chalk any difficulties up to user and/or machine error and not panic myself further. I could be wrong. But oh.... What if I could find a heartbeat or two? What if it could be that simple to quiet the scary voices in my head? In my weekend tour de blogs, I read at least a hundred dopper pro/con comments as well, including lots of (1) I got one and loved it and here's why or (2) I feel good about my decision not to get one and here's why comments. I even found a comment of my own on tbean's blog - comment category #2, obviously. What I didn't see were any comments of people saying they got one and wished they hadn't. Anyone feel that way and care to share? Or want to offer any recommendations of dopplers they found to be really effective in case I can't resist?
I know that the odds are in my favor. There is a reason seeing the heartbeat is considered a major milestone. Our chances of a miscarriage are low, statistically. But statistics are only so comforting in a high-stakes, all-or-nothing situation like this one. Our chances of miscarriage may be in the single digits, but if we find ourselves on the wrong side of the odds, the heartbreak will be experienced at 100%.
Good grief, this is a mess of a post. My ability to survive the first trimester is seriously in question. If you are still reading, thanks. And also, sorry. I'll be 10 weeks on Friday. Feel free to join in the countdown to the return of my (relative) sanity.
My confidence after last week's "perfect" scan lasted a couple of wonderfully blissful days before it started slipping through my fingers. By Friday evening, the fear had wrapped it's ice cold fingers around my heart again. I became sure that one of the babies was gone. Problem is, I'm in the no-mans-land between the RE's office and regular prenatal care, and my first appointment with my OB isn't until 11/18. Nowhere to turn for help. And what would they do for me even if I had someone to call? Neither provider offers daily peace of mind ultrasounds that I'm aware of.
I spent time I didn't have on Saturday and Sunday googling symptoms disappearing around 9 weeks (I know, I know...) and what I found just scared me all the more. Nearly every post I came across where someone mentioned their symptoms going away included the qualifier that they were still ravenously hungry, and that's the one thing that is consistently MIA around these parts. All weekend, I was "normal hungry" at best, and ate primarily because it was time to do so, not because I felt I needed to. This is a far cry from the 5-6 meals a day I desperately required to feel remotely human during weeks 6 through 8. I still feel pregnant most of the time, but I feel pregnant with one instead of two. The first few weeks were so intense and... different... but now I just feel the same as I did with E - kinda hungry, kinda queasy, kinda tired, kinda heartburn-y, and kinda normal sometimes too. Really, all of the symptoms I'm left with could just be from the progesterone. I swear that my belly bump is smaller today. And, after weeks of practically falling asleep at my desk at 2pm, I worked an hour late tonight because M and E were out together. It's 10pm now and I'm still not all that tired.
Also of concern:
- I have been having really, really strong cramping every night and occasionally during the days as well. Everything I read says not to be alarmed by cramps unless they are accompanied by bleeding, but I have the PIO to keep that from happening. What if the PIO is standing in the way of my body communicating what has happened?
- I am under huge, crazy amounts of stress right now. I'm dealing with a personnel nightmare at Job #1 that reduced me to tears today and that isn't going away without further stress and discomfort on my part. I'm also behind on everything else at Job #1 because of all the time and energy I've had to divert to said personnel issue over the past week. I'm about 20 hours behind on grading an assignment for Job #2 that I'm supposed to be returning to students tomorrow (not gonna happen). I can't seem to pick up the critical and time-sensitive balls I've dropped for a committee I chair for E's school (more on this later?) and I have outright abandoned my last two month's worth of responsibilities as Secretary of a community board I sit on. I hate feeling so behind. It stresses my Type A personality way the fuck out. And then I feel bad for being stressed, because that's the last thing I or the babies need right now.
- I know that cramping can be normal, especially with twin pregnancies. I remember having cramps with E (earlier though, not this late) where I thought "there is NO WAY a fetus can survive this" and yet he did. My weekend affair with Dr. Google DID reassure me on one thing: The star-spangled, dizzying pains that would seize one side of my uterus for 10-15 seconds at a time were round ligament spasms - totally normal. Interestingly, since finding out what they were and thus being less petrified of them, they seemed to have stopped.
- I know that stress alone does not kill babies. If it did, we would not need abortion clinics because no unwanted pregnancy could ever survive the amount of stress and anguish its mother experiences while making her decision and pursuing her right to choose. If it did, women would never be able to sustain pregnancies through tragic life events, such as the unexpected loss of a spouse or parent, and yet, women do. I know that babies can hang on through the most seemingly hostile of biochemical environments. I also know that sometimes they do not survive in even the most serene and welcoming ones. Wait, this is supposed to be a positive bullet point.
As part of my internet meanderings of the weekend, I trolled various blog rolls to locate every twin pregnancy blog I could find. I figured out how old their children are now and counted backward to find the first trimester section of their archives. I learned that I am in good company. It seems that nearly every twin mom-to-be, at least those who have gone through infertility along the way, experiences one or more periods of being utterly certain it's all over. And yet, in every blog I found, those intuitions turned out to be incorrect. Seeing that helped, and is a big part of why I wanted to write this post even though I'm sure it's annoying to read.
I'm thinking of renting a doppler. I considered one early on in my pregnancy with E but then decided against it after my own OB had a very difficult time locating his heartbeat at one of my appointments. If she couldn't find his heartbeat using her expertise and professional-grade equipment, what hope did I have? I resisted a week at a time and, finally, was able to feel regular movement so it became a moot point. This time around, I feel so anxious and so worried and so sure that something is wrong, I kind of don't see how it could make things worse. I have realistic expectations - I know that I might not always be able to find one or both heartbeats, and that even when I can, it might take a while to do so. I think I could chalk any difficulties up to user and/or machine error and not panic myself further. I could be wrong. But oh.... What if I could find a heartbeat or two? What if it could be that simple to quiet the scary voices in my head? In my weekend tour de blogs, I read at least a hundred dopper pro/con comments as well, including lots of (1) I got one and loved it and here's why or (2) I feel good about my decision not to get one and here's why comments. I even found a comment of my own on tbean's blog - comment category #2, obviously. What I didn't see were any comments of people saying they got one and wished they hadn't. Anyone feel that way and care to share? Or want to offer any recommendations of dopplers they found to be really effective in case I can't resist?
I know that the odds are in my favor. There is a reason seeing the heartbeat is considered a major milestone. Our chances of a miscarriage are low, statistically. But statistics are only so comforting in a high-stakes, all-or-nothing situation like this one. Our chances of miscarriage may be in the single digits, but if we find ourselves on the wrong side of the odds, the heartbreak will be experienced at 100%.
Good grief, this is a mess of a post. My ability to survive the first trimester is seriously in question. If you are still reading, thanks. And also, sorry. I'll be 10 weeks on Friday. Feel free to join in the countdown to the return of my (relative) sanity.
Monday, October 31, 2011
babies' first graduation
Second u/s was this morning. Both babies are doing great! Baby B is ever-so-slightly smaller than Baby A but they both rounded to 8w2d for their official measurements. Heart rates were 174 (A) and 179 (B). The ultrasound tech tried and tried to get a picture of them both together, but she wasn't able to due to their positioning. (Baby A is low and vertical and Baby B is high and horizontal.) We got several good shots of each of them on their own, though. Our RE gushed and gushed over how perfect they both look and sent us off with hugs and pleas to bring the babies in after they are born.
In related news, I feel dehydrated, queasy, hungry, and drop-dead exhausted All.The.Time. I can't believe how much sicker I am this time around. I'm about halfway through Dr. Luke's book (thanks to An Offering of Love for the recommendation!) and I'm doing my best to follow her guidelines about what and how often to eat. That seems to be helping a bit. Other than that, I'm just giving myself hourly pep talks about how likely it is I'll feel better in a month or two and if not, the babies will be here in 7 months so this can't last forever! I'm sorry I've been such a lousy blog commenter lately. I've been reading (usually horizontally, on the couch) but I'm bad about typing comments on my phone keypad. I promise I'm thinking of you all and sending thoughts out to those who need them!
Next step: Making some decisions about prenatal care. I liked the OB that delivered E, but not the hospital where he was born and after marinating on it for the past couple of weeks, I've decided to deliver elsewhere this time around. Unfortunately, my OB only delivers at the hospital where E was born, so I'll have to switch care providers. My RE said that since I had an uncomplicated pregnancy with E, I should go to a regular OB for prenatal care this time as well. Dr. Luke's book is adamant that all twin pregnancies are fundamentally different and should be managed by a perinatologist. Those of you who have carried twins, what type of doctor did you see? What did you like/dislike about your experience?
In related news, I feel dehydrated, queasy, hungry, and drop-dead exhausted All.The.Time. I can't believe how much sicker I am this time around. I'm about halfway through Dr. Luke's book (thanks to An Offering of Love for the recommendation!) and I'm doing my best to follow her guidelines about what and how often to eat. That seems to be helping a bit. Other than that, I'm just giving myself hourly pep talks about how likely it is I'll feel better in a month or two and if not, the babies will be here in 7 months so this can't last forever! I'm sorry I've been such a lousy blog commenter lately. I've been reading (usually horizontally, on the couch) but I'm bad about typing comments on my phone keypad. I promise I'm thinking of you all and sending thoughts out to those who need them!
Next step: Making some decisions about prenatal care. I liked the OB that delivered E, but not the hospital where he was born and after marinating on it for the past couple of weeks, I've decided to deliver elsewhere this time around. Unfortunately, my OB only delivers at the hospital where E was born, so I'll have to switch care providers. My RE said that since I had an uncomplicated pregnancy with E, I should go to a regular OB for prenatal care this time as well. Dr. Luke's book is adamant that all twin pregnancies are fundamentally different and should be managed by a perinatologist. Those of you who have carried twins, what type of doctor did you see? What did you like/dislike about your experience?
Monday, October 24, 2011
Talk me down? Please?
First order of business: I apologize in advance for being an annoying, paranoid pregnant lady. You'd think I've never done this before or something. I'd show you my google history from the weekend but then I'd have to kill you. It's that embarassing. But, I'm still here, about to ask for your reassurance and success stories, so... yeah. Sorry.
I have continued to be sicksicksick since the ultrasound. The sick and the shock are the two main reasons I haven't posted since. I haven't known what to say, nor have I had the energy to peel myself off the couch long enough to say it.
Serious TMI alert on this whole paragraph: I became pretty constipated late last week and over the weekend. In the early hours of Saturday morning, I woke up with what felt like contractions - long, sustained cramping in the area of my uterus. Of course, I became completely freaked out. How can two tiny, fragile embryos possibly withstand that much pressure? I poked around online and decided that the pains were probably from gas and constipation. I remained constipated and continued to have a lot of discomfort and bloating through the weekend. Then last night, my intestinal system did a 180 and the constipation gave way to diarrhea. The bad kind. The kind with cramps and tears and the feeling that everything you've eaten in your whole entire life has just been purged from your body. The kind where you think that - surely - anything else in that area, two tiny embryos for example, must have been expelled as well.
This morning, I feel better, and I'm scared half to death over it. My stomach is still queasy, but honestly, it feels more like a nervous stomach than anything else. The bloated, crampy feeling in my pelvic region that I've had since before my BFP is completely gone, which makes sense given the great purge, but is also completely terrifying. I dont have the Must.Eat.Now feeling anymore - haven't been very hungry at all since last night. Most concerning of all, I just have a bad gut feeling. I can't explain it. I just feel like something's wrong. I'm contemplating calling the nurse but I know what she's going to say - hang in there, symptoms come and go, we'll see how things look at your next u/s on 10/31. How am I going to make it through the next week?!
If anyone has stories of fetuses hanging on through episodes of severe abdominal/intestinal distress, please share them. Ditto any stories of all being fine when your gut told you otherwise. I'm beside myself with worry, and I know THAT is as bad for the fetuses as anything else, but I'm having a hard time shaking it.
Sorry again for being so neurotic.
Update: The Sick is back. I haven't taken any Zofran today partly out of fear over what it might do to my fragile intestines and partly in hopes I would start feeling sick again to put my mind at ease. Well, the latter goal has been accomplished, which is both good (obviously) and bad (obviously). :-) Thank you so, so much for all of your comments. I honestly don't know how people get through any of this without a community like this one to turn to. You all rock.
I have continued to be sicksicksick since the ultrasound. The sick and the shock are the two main reasons I haven't posted since. I haven't known what to say, nor have I had the energy to peel myself off the couch long enough to say it.
Serious TMI alert on this whole paragraph: I became pretty constipated late last week and over the weekend. In the early hours of Saturday morning, I woke up with what felt like contractions - long, sustained cramping in the area of my uterus. Of course, I became completely freaked out. How can two tiny, fragile embryos possibly withstand that much pressure? I poked around online and decided that the pains were probably from gas and constipation. I remained constipated and continued to have a lot of discomfort and bloating through the weekend. Then last night, my intestinal system did a 180 and the constipation gave way to diarrhea. The bad kind. The kind with cramps and tears and the feeling that everything you've eaten in your whole entire life has just been purged from your body. The kind where you think that - surely - anything else in that area, two tiny embryos for example, must have been expelled as well.
This morning, I feel better, and I'm scared half to death over it. My stomach is still queasy, but honestly, it feels more like a nervous stomach than anything else. The bloated, crampy feeling in my pelvic region that I've had since before my BFP is completely gone, which makes sense given the great purge, but is also completely terrifying. I dont have the Must.Eat.Now feeling anymore - haven't been very hungry at all since last night. Most concerning of all, I just have a bad gut feeling. I can't explain it. I just feel like something's wrong. I'm contemplating calling the nurse but I know what she's going to say - hang in there, symptoms come and go, we'll see how things look at your next u/s on 10/31. How am I going to make it through the next week?!
If anyone has stories of fetuses hanging on through episodes of severe abdominal/intestinal distress, please share them. Ditto any stories of all being fine when your gut told you otherwise. I'm beside myself with worry, and I know THAT is as bad for the fetuses as anything else, but I'm having a hard time shaking it.
Sorry again for being so neurotic.
Update: The Sick is back. I haven't taken any Zofran today partly out of fear over what it might do to my fragile intestines and partly in hopes I would start feeling sick again to put my mind at ease. Well, the latter goal has been accomplished, which is both good (obviously) and bad (obviously). :-) Thank you so, so much for all of your comments. I honestly don't know how people get through any of this without a community like this one to turn to. You all rock.
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