Thursday, April 7, 2011

That's gonna leave a mark.

There are moments when I find myself really surprised (and consequently sad/confused/angry) that I'm not pregnant. I was, once upon a not-so-distant time, and would be still if things had gone differently. Mostly, I'm okay with the fact that I'm not. Regardless of how much I wanted one or both of those embryos to be our forever baby/ies, they just weren't. No use getting upset over that. It is what it is. There are some days I almost forget about what might have been. But then, there's this sting-y, ouch-y feeling that creeps up on me when I read a pregnancy reference in someone else's blog, and I can't help but recall whether they are a little ahead or a little behind of where we would be if we still... were. It also visits when my FET buddy posts a FB update about her pregnancy, as she did this morning to share that she'd entered the second trimester. Wow. Really? I'd forgotten how quickly it feels like everyone is speeding away from you when they are pregnant and you are not. Pregnancy time moves so much faster than ttc/waiting time. It's like running full-speed on a treadmill and going nowhere while the person next to you flies by on a moving walkway. If we're able to stick to the current timeline, I think we'll be testing for our IVF cycle right around my due-date-that-wasn't. The length of an entire pregnancy will have passed us by.

I made a ticker to keep me company while we wait to ttc again. Our wait is so long, I had to divide it into Part One and Part Two. I don't look at it every day. In fact, I try to avoid it for as long as I can so that when I DO look at it next there will be Big, Impressive Movement (with fireworks!) for me to feel giddy over as I pat myself on the back for being so distracted and unaffected by this silly waiting business. I was sure that when I looked at it yesterday, it would be nearly done. Surely it's almost time for Ticker Number Two! I've waited so long and been so disciplined! So very wrong. I'm just over 2/3 through the first ticker, which means barely 1/3 through the whole wait. Please excuse me while I deflate.

Speaking of disappointments... Remember this guy? We'd planned to buy a vial about a month ago upon learning his inventory was low and then just, I don't know, never pulled the trigger. The end of the break just feels so far away, it is hard to generate any sense of urgency. Shame on us for that because I logged onto the bank's website to check up on him and he is completely sold out. It's not a big deal. In the same email in which we learned his inventory was low, we were encouraged to buy quickly because it might be two! whole! months! before his next batch of samples cleared quarantine. That was 6 weeks ago, so I'm sure they'll pop up soon; long before we need them. That didn't stop my heart from skipping a beat when I saw the "no longer available" banner across his profile last night, though. It's just unsettling, and perhaps a little re-triggering (or restimulating, In Loco Parentis??) to be denied access to a donor we've pinned our hopes to. Reminder #637 that any sense of control we perceive is an illusion and can disappear at any time.

Geez, what a pitiful, mopey post. It's hardly befitting a woman who took her two-year-old for a walk around the neighborhood after dinner tonight; his first real walk sans stroller. Spring is in the air. The wait will end. The pinpricks really are few and far between, in the grand scheme of things. Our vacation was off-the-charts blissful. E is doing great in his new room at daycare, one heart-stopping incident notwithstanding. I swear he's grown up more in one week of observing the older kids than he did in the several months that preceded his switch. His language development alone is unbelievable. On our vacation, he was sitting at the kitchen table with my mom and he asked her to peel a clementine for him. When she complied, he said "Good job, Gramma. I'm so proud of you." Reminder #638 to stop my whining already and bask in the lottery winnings I've already collected.

5 comments:

motherwilling said...

As someone who's waited (years) for ttc, I know how it feels to have a long time to go. I love the ticker idea, and my go-to trick is to break up the wait with smaller milestones (travel, etc). Enjoy your newfound walks with E!

Inlocoparentis said...

Good post, buddy. Hang in there.

anofferingoflove said...

reminder #637 = so true, and yet so hard to remember when ttc.

reminder #638 = a good lesson for us all.

xo

Crazy Lesbian Mom said...

{hugs to you}

erathora said...

#638 is so beautiful. And, I know doesn't make things any easier for you.