Wednesday, September 1, 2010

coming clean

I have gone back and forth (and back and forth) about whether or not to write this post.

There is an FET in our very near future. We’ve jumped through all the pre-cycle hoops the RE requires and the funds to pay for the procedure arrived in my shiny new FSA this morning. Our original plan was to do a transfer this month until we realized it would fall right on top of a trip E and I are leaving on tomorrow morning. Then, we learned the dates of a major trip we’re taking with BIL/SIL next year and realized it would be good to push everything back one more month. While it doesn’t seem possible that our FET will produce an actual child (20% success rate at our clinic), it seemed like a responsible move to at least consider the fact that I might end up pregnant, improbable though that seems.

I’m sorry for not sharing this with you until now. To date, I have told one friend about our plans. One. I have been coveting this fantasy world where M and I become pregnant with no one else knowing about it. Can you imagine? We’d be so… normal. I knew there were costs – specifically, costs to you, my cherished IF blog community – but I hoped that you’d be able to understand why I did what I did. I wrote my “coming out” post a hundred times in my head – hopefully to be a pregnancy announcement post, but maybe just a “here’s what we’ve been up to but it didn’t work” post – begging for your forgiveness for not telling you and explaining how going through the process NOT on a microscope slide was so important for my own healing and for my relationship with M. With our first pregnancy, I spent two years blogging and message-boarding every decision, every blood test, every setback, and every emotion. You all got me through it. M was there every step of the way, of course, but you were an integral part of our team. In hindsight, I have wondered how things would have been different if I’d turned more toward M during those times of need. Was there a cost to inviting so many people into what is typically a 2-person journey? Did I share things with you I should have kept between us? I don’t know the answer, but I feel secure enough to do things differently this time and see how it goes. It’s different going down this road a second time. I don’t feel as panicked or desperate as I did while TTC #1. (Not yet, at least. Check back with me after a couple of failed FETs and we’ll see where I am then.) My gut tells me it will be good for me and M, and that doing things in a more private way will go miles toward replenishing some of what infertility has taken from me. Can you even imagine getting pregnant with only you and your partner knowing you were trying? How bold. How fantastical. What must it feel like to have that much power over your environment? I was determined to try it.

But then there is the fly in the ointment, and that fly is you, dear readers. I can’t make peace with my decision because I know how deeply a surprise pregnancy announcement would wound you. I have taken too much from this community – from you – to act selfishly now. As I write this, I know it is the right thing to do. I just have one favor to ask of you: I really don’t want to talk about this again until we have news to share. If you’d like to leave a comment on this post, I would be touched and grateful to read your thoughts. But going forward from here, can we all just pretend you don’t know anything? I promise to bring back news whenever there is news to bring.

I know that some (many?) of you have That Feeling in the pit of your stomach right now. How greedy and presumptuous of us to be headed back into the stirrups already. How selfish of me to have waited until now to spill the beans. I know, and I’m sorry. I wish there was more I could do to mitigate that pain. Hopefully you can feel the reverence with which I hold your feelings, even as I share something I know may injure them.

I’m going to leave this post up for about a week and then I will make it private. I figure that will allow plenty of time for any of my regular readers to get up to speed, and you are the only people I feel I owe any disclosure to. I have been blogging (well, journaling I guess, since I haven’t been sharing them) our FET steps up until this point and my intention is to make all of those posts public at some point. I will add this post in with those to be (re)published in the future.

Again, I would be honored to read any and all comments you feel so moved to leave here. I just ask that once this post is sealed off, the information is sealed with it until sometime in the future when it is re-opened under my own (hopefully happy) terms.


anofferingoflove said...

wow, how exciting!!! i am so happy to read about this possibility for your family! thank you for trusting us enough to share :)

i understand wanting to keep things quiet, i struggled with that SO much myself. its hard to do an ivf cycle without everyone irl knowing, especially when you need assistance with childcare!

anyhow, will be thinking of you and wishing you speedy success this time (and keeping my mouth shut, er, fingers still? from here on out on the blog!)

N said...

How very very exciting! And, of course, do whatever you need to do, but I am so glad you did say something. I'm cheering you on. :)

jessie said...

I'm excited for you! Thank
you for sharing and good for you for doing the best thing for our family. I wish you a quick quick journey to #2.

And please know that you can also change your mind. If you decide you want some outsider support later on, we will be here for you.


Anonymous said...

Boy, I know *exactly* what you mean about coveting a fantasy world in which no one knows you're trying and you can announce your pregnancy and feel so "normal" about it all. I think about it all.the.time. Best of luck to you! My fingers are crossed.

Laurie said...

I know exactly where you are coming from. I am rooting you on and look forward to hearing good news some time in the near future!!

Pomegranate said...

I've been following your blog for a while although I know I'm not one of those regular readers that you're talking about. I found your blog long after Elliot came into your life, and for some reason added you to my Reader next to all the TTC blogs I had started following.

I just want you to know that I think you're being too hard on yourself about this. You don't have an obligation to share the journey of TTC #2 with anyone other than your partner if you don't feel it. Honestly, I would think your regular readers would be happy to hear you are expecting if you broke out with that news after you went through the process.

If you need the support, blog it. If you don't, continue sharing the little pieces on parenting that you do now, and tell people what they need to know when you're ready to do so.

I'm posting this comment because I really hope you can stop feeling guilty. It's awesome that you're trying again. I wish you luck. If you want to keep your journey private this time, you have the right to do so.

I'd like to think we're all here in this blogosphere to support each other through the journey if and when it's needed, not to judge each other or become petty when someone doesn't want or need to share.

Inlocoparentis said...

You made the right choice, I think. You understand how much it sucks to get surprise pregnancy news when you are in the bad place and it's considerate of you to think of others' feelings (you always do). At the same time, I am of the opinion (and will continue to be, politically correct or not), that if you've gotten screwed over and over again in the fertility/birth arena, the rules no longer apply to you and you can do whatever you want because you've earned it. Sure, a "possibly triphasic" fertility friend graphic on the second try brings out the ugly in me. But in your case, I can honestly say I will be FUCKING THRILLED on the day that I open up your blog to find a picture of a postive pregnancy test. Much love to all three of you.

tireegal68 said...

How cool! I was just wondering about this as I was looking at pictures of E on Facebook the other day. But I know not to ask!
I echo your previous commenters. Thanks for being so considerate but please I hope you don't feel too guilty for too long!
I wish your clinic had better FET stats.
I'm sending lots if fertile vibes your way. Looking forward to hearing your news and will keep quiet until then:)

Meegs said...

Good luck hun! I'm very excited for you and M, and hope this leg of your journey will be a much shorter one. Can't wait until I open this blog to find pregnancy news.

tbean said...

Wow! This is tres exciting! And I'm not surprised, given your 5 frozen embryos, that you are planning on trying this now.

Epic struggles with IF rob you of so much. If keeping this quiet is healing and empowering, by all means. But I am glad for the heads up. Even in my current pg state, an out-of-nowhere pg announcement can throw me off a bit.

Also, I like the ridiculousness of keeping a FET a "secret". You know, cause only several doctors, nurses, lab techs, nurses aids, receptionists, and you and M will know about it! :) But yeah, in warped IF logic, I get it. It makes sense.

I wish you all the luck in the world. The only way the universe makes sense is to give those that have struggled forever a short and easy journey to a second child. I got that (ha!) and I know you will too!

Strawberry said...

Just wishing you a lot of luck with #2, and thanks for sharing this with us :)

Trinity said...

FET? What FET? ;)

I can genuinely understand your desire to attempt to restore some sense of normalcy to your conception experience. That's one of the glaring items that I clutch to desperately right now: trying to reclaim a bit of myself from this IF experience. You, my dear, owe none of us an apology for your hope in preserving the intimacy of this experience. We've all lost so much of this along the way...and it's a very precious commodity.

Even if you are keeping this part of your world close to your chest right now, that doesn't mean that you can't keep us updated on other things in your world! Just don't go too far away. ;)

I have a big ol' heart full of hope for you guys, and I'm wishing you an infinite amount of luck...

lori said...

Hope this journey goes easier this time down the road. Good luck!

For the Long Haul said...

So happy for you and I actually really respect what you've said. I tried to conceive for 3 years before I succeeded with my son (who is now 4 1/2) and the TTC rollercoaster was one of (several) things that ended up ending my relationship with my partner. So I commend the hell out of you for looking to your partner for support. And you're right; the concept of trying to get pregnant with no one but you and your partner knowing? That's not anything I could imagine, but I wish I could. You don't owe us anything. And I for one and nothing but happy for you both. Lips will be sealed until we hear about happy news. Good luck!

thiswillbe said...

Just a brief note to say I wish you all the best! Thanks for sharing.

Luisa said...

I for one would be THRILLED to click over to your blog one day to see a pregnancy announcement - stop feeling guilty lady this is your journey and your decision who/when to tell. anyone that has been following your story will know what a shitty time you had of it trying for you wonderful baby boy - no one would ever begrudge you a +, I only hope that you get it soon.
good luck to you
a beautifully written post as always

Anonymous said...

I do think things are different the second time around. I wish you three so much love and peace as your family grows. xo