Romancing the Stork

2011 Holiday Craft Exchange

2011-12-15T21:02:00.000-06:00

It's our second year participating in the Holiday Craft Exchange organized by the amazing S over at An Offering of Love. Things have been so hectic lately, I all but forgot something would be coming to me as well. This is how I found myself staring, puzzled, at the unfamiliar return address on an envelope that arrived yesterday. I opened it up and discovered these three adorable photo frame ornaments, crafted especially for us by the family at That's A Lot of Esses. I can't wait to fill them with pictures of our THREE children next Christmas! It turns out we have a lot in common with the Esses - both of our families have one (adorable) boy here and twins due this June - so I am grateful not only for the ornaments, but also for being introduced to their wonderful blog. Thanks so much to Leander and his mommies!

Go here to see what other participants received!

P.S. The craft we made for another blogger family is going out in tomorrow's mail. We were thwarted by a supply shortage and it took a couple of days to squeeze in the necessary shopping mission. But, I sealed up the box tonight and it will be on it's way soon!

You know you're tired when...

2011-11-23T09:30:00.000-06:00

I work in the "penthouse" of my office building (a hilarious term considering people regularly smoke/drink/fight/sleep in our stairwell and there's fresh urine in the elevator at least once a week) and the bottom floor is a dialysis clinic. Every day, I walk in and out past their large picture windows and look in at the rows of turquoise vinyl-covered recliners, each surrounded by a dozen pieces of medical equipment and a 9-inch television monitor on a retractable arm. And every day this week, I have thought "Man, if only I had kidney failure, someone would make me sit in one place with my feet up and my own tv for several hours a day, several days a week. I'd probably even get a blanket with no pet hair on it." True story.

I am in that part of pregnancy where you are so exhausted to the core of your being that you feel like you could sleep for the next 1000 years and still be tired. My body aches from it. M has been awesome, picking up all kinds of slack around the house while I lay useless on the couch, but I still have a full-time job that is an 11 on the stress meter right now, two more weeks of a 3-hour class to teach (including a final assignment to grade 24 copies of), time-sensitive tasks to complete for two separate boards/committees (not that I'm doing any of the things I'm supposed to be doing for either), and a toddler to feed, bathe, clothe and care for. It's a lot, and I'm looking forward to having a few days off.

I have so much more I want to write about, but I have GOT to get some things crossed off my list at work. More over the weekend, I hope. If not, I want to say now how thankful I am for all of my blog friends. Happy Thanksgiving to all who celebrate it. I hope your holiday is warm and joyful!

and... exhale

2011-11-18T15:54:00.000-06:00

2 beautiful heartbeats = 1 very relieved mama

I would say two relieved mamas, but M informed me this afternoon that she never doubted for a moment that the babies were fine. Ah, the enviable un-damaged outlook!

One of the babies started the scan by flipping around wildly, then relaxed to a steady stream of punches and kicks. The other was cool as a cucumber the whole time. The NP and I have a difference of opinion about which baby was which (A or B). She's not an ultrasound expert and admitted she couldn't really tell where they were placed in the uterus. I have even less experience reading ultrasounds, but I have seen THESE babies two more times than she has, and I also know that Baby B has been our big acrobat thus far.

Appointments are every two weeks for now. That is a welcome change from the one month wait between reassurances with E! First trimester screen will be in the next 2-3 weeks too, if the MFM can fit me in. The NP was a little concerned that we're calling too late to get an appointment in time, but we'll see. Have to call there in a few minutes and hope something works out.

I feel like I've been holding my breath for the past week and a half and I can finally let it out. So, so grateful to have seen those little hearts beating away. At least for today, our surreal and amazing journey continues.

quick update

2011-11-09T15:00:00.000-06:00

Thank you for all the reassuring comments on my last post. It's amazing how much comfort others' words and experiences can bring.

I felt awful all day yesterday - probably stayed up too late the night before, stressing and blogging - so that relieved some of my worries as well. Next objective is to start enjoying the breaks in The Sick when they come along rather than stressing about the underlying cause of them. I'm afraid that's easier said than done, but I'm gonna give it a go.

Thanks for the doppler feedback, too. I am still on the fence. I think I'm going to try to wait for my appointment on the 18th and see how much trouble my doctor has. If she finds them easily, maybe I'll be able to as well. If she struggles, that might be a rabbit hole I'm better off avoiding. I wish I knew someone locally who had one I could borrow just to try it out, but I can't think of anyone who might. We haven't spilled the news on FB yet, but maybe once we do, I can put out the call. :-)

Back in Crazytown

2011-11-07T22:23:00.001-06:00

Nobody will be more relieved than I will when I finally start feeling fetal movement. Well, except M. Oh, and every last person who reads this blog. This post started out in my head with some sort of a logical flow, but it seems to have turned into a disorganized jumble of Crazy, which is probably more fitting to my mood anyway.

My confidence after last week's "perfect" scan lasted a couple of wonderfully blissful days before it started slipping through my fingers. By Friday evening, the fear had wrapped it's ice cold fingers around my heart again. I became sure that one of the babies was gone. Problem is, I'm in the no-mans-land between the RE's office and regular prenatal care, and my first appointment with my OB isn't until 11/18. Nowhere to turn for help. And what would they do for me even if I had someone to call? Neither provider offers daily peace of mind ultrasounds that I'm aware of.

I spent time I didn't have on Saturday and Sunday googling symptoms disappearing around 9 weeks (I know, I know...) and what I found just scared me all the more. Nearly every post I came across where someone mentioned their symptoms going away included the qualifier that they were still ravenously hungry, and that's the one thing that is consistently MIA around these parts. All weekend, I was "normal hungry" at best, and ate primarily because it was time to do so, not because I felt I needed to. This is a far cry from the 5-6 meals a day I desperately required to feel remotely human during weeks 6 through 8. I still feel pregnant most of the time, but I feel pregnant with one instead of two. The first few weeks were so intense and... different... but now I just feel the same as I did with E - kinda hungry, kinda queasy, kinda tired, kinda heartburn-y, and kinda normal sometimes too. Really, all of the symptoms I'm left with could just be from the progesterone. I swear that my belly bump is smaller today. And, after weeks of practically falling asleep at my desk at 2pm, I worked an hour late tonight because M and E were out together. It's 10pm now and I'm still not all that tired.

Also of concern:

I have been having really, really strong cramping every night and occasionally during the days as well. Everything I read says not to be alarmed by cramps unless they are accompanied by bleeding, but I have the PIO to keep that from happening. What if the PIO is standing in the way of my body communicating what has happened?
I am under huge, crazy amounts of stress right now. I'm dealing with a personnel nightmare at Job #1 that reduced me to tears today and that isn't going away without further stress and discomfort on my part. I'm also behind on everything else at Job #1 because of all the time and energy I've had to divert to said personnel issue over the past week. I'm about 20 hours behind on grading an assignment for Job #2 that I'm supposed to be returning to students tomorrow (not gonna happen). I can't seem to pick up the critical and time-sensitive balls I've dropped for a committee I chair for E's school (more on this later?) and I have outright abandoned my last two month's worth of responsibilities as Secretary of a community board I sit on. I hate feeling so behind. It stresses my Type A personality way the fuck out. And then I feel bad for being stressed, because that's the last thing I or the babies need right now.

On the flip side:

I know that cramping can be normal, especially with twin pregnancies. I remember having cramps with E (earlier though, not this late) where I thought "there is NO WAY a fetus can survive this" and yet he did. My weekend affair with Dr. Google DID reassure me on one thing: The star-spangled, dizzying pains that would seize one side of my uterus for 10-15 seconds at a time were round ligament spasms - totally normal. Interestingly, since finding out what they were and thus being less petrified of them, they seemed to have stopped.
I know that stress alone does not kill babies. If it did, we would not need abortion clinics because no unwanted pregnancy could ever survive the amount of stress and anguish its mother experiences while making her decision and pursuing her right to choose. If it did, women would never be able to sustain pregnancies through tragic life events, such as the unexpected loss of a spouse or parent, and yet, women do. I know that babies can hang on through the most seemingly hostile of biochemical environments. I also know that sometimes they do not survive in even the most serene and welcoming ones. Wait, this is supposed to be a positive bullet point.

I am way more anxious at this point of pregnancy than I was with E. I don't know if it's being older and having witnessed more loss since then, feeling more vulnerable with two beating hearts at stake, or something else, but I hope it's a case of double the hormones equaling double the crazy. One can dream, right? One other note of optimism is that I walked into my office's kitchen this morning and the smell of the breakfast someone had prepared there made me gag. The violent reaction both startled and reassured me, but both the feeling and the reassurance were fleeting.

As part of my internet meanderings of the weekend, I trolled various blog rolls to locate every twin pregnancy blog I could find. I figured out how old their children are now and counted backward to find the first trimester section of their archives. I learned that I am in good company. It seems that nearly every twin mom-to-be, at least those who have gone through infertility along the way, experiences one or more periods of being utterly certain it's all over. And yet, in every blog I found, those intuitions turned out to be incorrect. Seeing that helped, and is a big part of why I wanted to write this post even though I'm sure it's annoying to read.

I'm thinking of renting a doppler. I considered one early on in my pregnancy with E but then decided against it after my own OB had a very difficult time locating his heartbeat at one of my appointments. If she couldn't find his heartbeat using her expertise and professional-grade equipment, what hope did I have? I resisted a week at a time and, finally, was able to feel regular movement so it became a moot point. This time around, I feel so anxious and so worried and so sure that something is wrong, I kind of don't see how it could make things worse. I have realistic expectations - I know that I might not always be able to find one or both heartbeats, and that even when I can, it might take a while to do so. I think I could chalk any difficulties up to user and/or machine error and not panic myself further. I could be wrong. But oh.... What if I could find a heartbeat or two? What if it could be that simple to quiet the scary voices in my head? In my weekend tour de blogs, I read at least a hundred dopper pro/con comments as well, including lots of (1) I got one and loved it and here's why or (2) I feel good about my decision not to get one and here's why comments. I even found a comment of my own on tbean's blog - comment category #2, obviously. What I didn't see were any comments of people saying they got one and wished they hadn't. Anyone feel that way and care to share? Or want to offer any recommendations of dopplers they found to be really effective in case I can't resist?

I know that the odds are in my favor. There is a reason seeing the heartbeat is considered a major milestone. Our chances of a miscarriage are low, statistically. But statistics are only so comforting in a high-stakes, all-or-nothing situation like this one. Our chances of miscarriage may be in the single digits, but if we find ourselves on the wrong side of the odds, the heartbreak will be experienced at 100%.

Good grief, this is a mess of a post. My ability to survive the first trimester is seriously in question. If you are still reading, thanks. And also, sorry. I'll be 10 weeks on Friday. Feel free to join in the countdown to the return of my (relative) sanity.

babies' first graduation

2011-10-31T16:15:00.001-05:00

Second u/s was this morning. Both babies are doing great! Baby B is ever-so-slightly smaller than Baby A but they both rounded to 8w2d for their official measurements. Heart rates were 174 (A) and 179 (B). The ultrasound tech tried and tried to get a picture of them both together, but she wasn't able to due to their positioning. (Baby A is low and vertical and Baby B is high and horizontal.) We got several good shots of each of them on their own, though. Our RE gushed and gushed over how perfect they both look and sent us off with hugs and pleas to bring the babies in after they are born.

In related news, I feel dehydrated, queasy, hungry, and drop-dead exhausted All.The.Time. I can't believe how much sicker I am this time around. I'm about halfway through Dr. Luke's book (thanks to An Offering of Love for the recommendation!) and I'm doing my best to follow her guidelines about what and how often to eat. That seems to be helping a bit. Other than that, I'm just giving myself hourly pep talks about how likely it is I'll feel better in a month or two and if not, the babies will be here in 7 months so this can't last forever! I'm sorry I've been such a lousy blog commenter lately. I've been reading (usually horizontally, on the couch) but I'm bad about typing comments on my phone keypad. I promise I'm thinking of you all and sending thoughts out to those who need them!

Next step: Making some decisions about prenatal care. I liked the OB that delivered E, but not the hospital where he was born and after marinating on it for the past couple of weeks, I've decided to deliver elsewhere this time around. Unfortunately, my OB only delivers at the hospital where E was born, so I'll have to switch care providers. My RE said that since I had an uncomplicated pregnancy with E, I should go to a regular OB for prenatal care this time as well. Dr. Luke's book is adamant that all twin pregnancies are fundamentally different and should be managed by a perinatologist. Those of you who have carried twins, what type of doctor did you see? What did you like/dislike about your experience?

Talk me down? Please?

2011-10-24T10:14:00.002-05:00

First order of business: I apologize in advance for being an annoying, paranoid pregnant lady. You'd think I've never done this before or something. I'd show you my google history from the weekend but then I'd have to kill you. It's that embarassing. But, I'm still here, about to ask for your reassurance and success stories, so... yeah. Sorry.

I have continued to be sicksicksick since the ultrasound. The sick and the shock are the two main reasons I haven't posted since. I haven't known what to say, nor have I had the energy to peel myself off the couch long enough to say it.

Serious TMI alert on this whole paragraph: I became pretty constipated late last week and over the weekend. In the early hours of Saturday morning, I woke up with what felt like contractions - long, sustained cramping in the area of my uterus. Of course, I became completely freaked out. How can two tiny, fragile embryos possibly withstand that much pressure? I poked around online and decided that the pains were probably from gas and constipation. I remained constipated and continued to have a lot of discomfort and bloating through the weekend. Then last night, my intestinal system did a 180 and the constipation gave way to diarrhea. The bad kind. The kind with cramps and tears and the feeling that everything you've eaten in your whole entire life has just been purged from your body. The kind where you think that - surely - anything else in that area, two tiny embryos for example, must have been expelled as well.

This morning, I feel better, and I'm scared half to death over it. My stomach is still queasy, but honestly, it feels more like a nervous stomach than anything else. The bloated, crampy feeling in my pelvic region that I've had since before my BFP is completely gone, which makes sense given the great purge, but is also completely terrifying. I dont have the Must.Eat.Now feeling anymore - haven't been very hungry at all since last night. Most concerning of all, I just have a bad gut feeling. I can't explain it. I just feel like something's wrong. I'm contemplating calling the nurse but I know what she's going to say - hang in there, symptoms come and go, we'll see how things look at your next u/s on 10/31. How am I going to make it through the next week?!

If anyone has stories of fetuses hanging on through episodes of severe abdominal/intestinal distress, please share them. Ditto any stories of all being fine when your gut told you otherwise. I'm beside myself with worry, and I know THAT is as bad for the fetuses as anything else, but I'm having a hard time shaking it.

Sorry again for being so neurotic.

Update: The Sick is back. I haven't taken any Zofran today partly out of fear over what it might do to my fragile intestines and partly in hopes I would start feeling sick again to put my mind at ease. Well, the latter goal has been accomplished, which is both good (obviously) and bad (obviously). :-) Thank you so, so much for all of your comments. I honestly don't know how people get through any of this without a community like this one to turn to. You all rock.

This is ours...

2011-10-19T16:01:00.001-05:00

...or should I say these.

Both have good uterine placement and are measuring on track. Heart rates were 115 and 119 bpm and we were able to hear them both.

I am in complete shock. I thought twins were a possibility after my early pee sticks but then my beta numbers seemed too low and I settled firmly into my belief it was only one. I have thought all along that if it WAS twins, M would completely freak out and I'd be nervous but excited. It's exactly the opposite. M is cool as a cucumber; very enthusiastic and sending me sweet, reassuring text messages. I am relieved and grateful, of course, but also scared out of my mind. We left with a dozen pictures, a toddler covered in Spiderman stickers, and a prescription for Zofran (Hooray!).

It's been a "double" kind of day around our house: Double ear infection for E, poor guy. He started an antibiotic already so hopefully he'll feel better soon. We should go buy a lottery ticket. Maybe we'll win twice. Heaven knows we could use the money...

Holy crap, you guys. I am going to need so much help from those of you who have done this already!

how very predictable

2011-10-19T09:57:00.000-05:00

Well, it's ultrasound day so you know what that means: The stone cold fear has set in. I still feel like complete crap which offers some reassurance, but it doesn't mean there will be a heartbeat.

Bonus: E came back from his trip with a fever which is currently on day 3, so I'm home with him instead of working the half day I'd planned on. Keeping a toddler entertained is way more involved than my regular day job so there's a lot of sitting down to catch my breath and stop my stomach from flip-flopping between the train play and puzzles and the books. I think we're going to venture out to a clinic to make sure his ears are clear. The last time he had a double ear infection, we let it go for over a week because he never gave a single indication of ear pain and it just seemed like he had a cold. Imagine our guilt when we finally got in with his pediatrician and she told us one ear was completely blocked and the other wasn't far behind. She was very surprised he hadn't been crying or pulling on his ears or anything, but said some kids just don't express symptoms like that. It took us three different antibiotics and more than a month to clear them up. So, yeah, trying to learn from past mistakes and get him checked sooner this time.

This also means he has to go to the ultrasound with us, which adds to my nervousness. If it doesn't go well and I get upset, I don't really want him to be around for that. But it is what it is and all we can do is hope for the best.

Three and a half hours and counting...

sick as a dog

2011-10-16T20:20:00.003-05:00

A switch flipped on Friday (6 weeks exactly) and since then, I have been insatiably hungry ALL THE TIME. The problem is that I'm also still queasy and turned off by the idea of food; a bad combination. I drug myself to the store on Saturday and stocked up on a bunch of high-protein, easy-to-prepare foods and I've been trying to eat as much as possible since then. The problem is I'm also ridiculously exhausted, to the point I feel weak from head to toe, and that doesn't help my motivation any. I'm on about a 2-3 hour cycle: Eat something, lay down to rest and end up falling asleep, wake up feeling like I'll die if I don't eat right that very second, but also feeling too weak to get up off the couch and walk the 15 feet to the kitchen where the food is. So, I lay there for a while psyching myself up, and finally roll off the couch to grab a bunch of different snacks, none of which sound or taste good to me. I eat them in rapid succession, then lay back down waiting for the queasiness to subside, and the cycle continues.

Did I mention M and E are out of town? They left Friday afternoon and will be back on Tuesday. I was looking forward to a weekend of lounging around without feeling guilty for slacking off on my parental responsibilities, but as it's turned out, I've been too sick to enjoy a minute of it. It's crappy being home alone when you feel this terrible, and I really miss my people. I feel like a hug from E would go a long way in making all of this more tolerable.

I had things I wanted to accomplish this weekend, too. (Ha! Hahahahahahahahaha!) I was going to make E's Halloween costume. (I managed to cut out the pattern. Oh, and I washed the fabric. It's been sitting in the dryer for the last 36 hours.) I was also going to prepare the 3-hour lecture I'm supposed to give for the first time on Tuesday night. (Still haven't even glanced at it.) I'm off work tomorrow so there's still time, but I'm not feeling optimistic that tomorrow will be any better.

After my second beta, I felt pretty sure we were out of twin territory. Now, I don't know what to think. I know for sure that I never, never felt this awful when I was pregnant with E. My first ultrasound was supposed to be tomorrow but we pushed it to Wednesday when M will be back in town. I do have acupuncture tomorrow morning, which I'm really looking forward to. Hopefully she can get things flowing in a better direction for me.

still pregnant

2011-10-10T12:51:00.000-05:00

2nd beta came back at 4451. Doubling time of 52.68 hours. I feel like I need a pinch. Is this really happening?!

I may or may not be back later with a blog carnival post on disappointment. I started one, but... I dunno. It feels a little insensitive to pull my chair up to the disappointment table today.

Dispatch from Beta Canyon

2011-10-07T11:49:00.002-05:00

I’ve been doing a pretty good job of staying hopeful this week as I wait for my next beta, aided in large part by the mountain of symptoms that do a lot more “coming” and a lot less “going” than the first time I was pregnant. Maybe it’s a girl. They’re supposed to make you sicker, right? ;-) I’ve already made a mad dash for my work bathroom (false alarm) and have been leaning heavily on saltines and ginger ale, at least during the day, because in another change from last time around, my “morning sickness” really does seem to be worse in the morning and early afternoon. Dinners haven’t been bad so far, knock on wood. Also in the “new and different” column, I had a weird thing happen a couple of nights ago where the muscles in my legs went tingly and numb like I’d just run a marathon. It came on like the flip of a light switch. Needless to say, I haven’t run any marathons lately (or, you know, ever) but it was the end of two long (read: normal) days with no naps, unlike the three that preceded them. I went to bed as soon as I got E down and woke up the next morning with my legs feeling exactly the same, as if I hadn’t rested at all. They still feel weak and shaky. Weird. But good, right?

After Sunday, I didn’t test again… until this morning. My symptoms have been reassurance enough and, frankly, I was scared of getting a result that appeared to be any lighter with too many days left to worry before my next beta. Yesterday, I had a few breaks in my symptoms which allowed the fears to creep in* and then last night, I felt exhausted, but still the best I’d felt in a week. This, of course, completely freaked me out. I woke up this morning and gave myself another in-bed pep talk: Even if it is lighter, all is not lost. Hormone and dye levels both fluctuate. The sticks can only tell you so much. And then I headed for the bathroom.

Um, yeah. That's by far the most positive pregnancy test that has ever been under my roof!

*I will admit to writing a post yesterday about how difficult and draining the uncertainty of early pregnancy is. I saved the draft because it’s an honest snapshot of one dip on the rollercoaster, but I’m not going to post it because it feels wrong to put anything other than gratitude out into the universe right now.

September: Purple

2011-10-03T21:36:00.000-05:00

This was a tough month for me. Not sure why since purple is one of my favorite colors. Hopefully I will do a better job of October/Orange!

it's official

2011-10-03T14:28:00.000-05:00

Beta came back at 488. I know single results don't mean anything on their own, but that seems like a good number for 17dpo so I'm a happy girl. Betabase says it's above median for a singleton and below median for twins, so no help there. :-)

Repeat beta isn't until 10/10. My clinic is so cruel.

Thanks for all of your kind comments over the past week. It's been an exciting one!!

lesson learned

2011-10-02T22:38:00.002-05:00

You know I didn't stop testing at 6dp5dt, right? Nope, I tested at 7dpt and 8dpt as well. Between three days of obviously darkening lines and what I then realized were actual symptoms (mostly just a lot of strong cramping and sensitivity to smells, with a little fatigue and flashes of mild nausea thrown in for fun), I did not test on Friday morning (9dpt). I didn't feel like I needed the reassurance and I only had a dol.lar tree test left so it would be hard to compare to my series of FRERs anyway.

On Saturday, I woke up early for an event I felt kind of... good. Better than I had in days. Breasts weren't as sore; no cramps. I decided to use my last test. Beta is Monday, last test was Thursday, let's split the difference, shall we? Surely it would be darker and would scare off all those pesky fears that were trying to creep in.

I'm sure you can guess where this is going.

The test was not darker. It actually looked barely positive at all. Like, I had to hold it at the right angle and squint just right to make out the line. Definitely lighter than the last dol.lar tree test I took on Thursday. And of course, I didn't have another test in the house to get a second opinion.

I tried to tell myself it was clearly a faulty test. I tried to reassure myself that after three strong positives, one almost-negative test couldn't be taken on its own, but I still kept thinking nononononononono, I've been here before and I know what comes next. I can't do this again. I can't. The angel/devil argument kept playing as the cramps and heavy uterus feeling settled back in. It kept playing as my stomach danced, regretting the veggie burrito bowl I put into it for lunch. It kept playing despite my highly-unusual afternoon nap (?!) and echoed still as I crashed on the couch at 9pm. It prompted me to buy another package of FRERs at the store yesterday afternoon.

When I woke up needing to pee at 5am this morning, I laid in bed for a while, trying to convince myself it would be okay if it was negative. I'd be okay. I'd survive. It would be beyond terrible but I'd take a week off work to mourn and regroup. No need to hoard my vacation time for a maternity leave anymore. We'd talk to our RE and come up with a plan. There's no way we could afford another IVF cycle for at least a year, but maybe I could qualify for a study? Surely someone would want to study why my uterus seems to be burning through embryos at such a ridiculous rate. In any case, we'd need to answer that question before we'd consider doing anything with our lone snowbaby. Sounds like a long, scary road. When I finally made it to the bathroom, I dipped the test in the cup and half-watched the liquid spread across the test window with an asteroid in my stomach. Even out of the corner of my eye, I saw the test line begin to darken instantly, well before the control line started to appear. I breathed a sigh of true, deep gratitude as the lines darkened. Three minutes later, the test line was clearly wider and darker than the control.

I'd like to think today's symptoms (more cramping, more mild stomach upset, and holy-hell, the hit-by-a-truck-fatigue has arrived) would have put my mind at ease even without the test, but I doubt it. I had a teacher in high school who's catch phrase was "Engage Brain." He said it to us all the time, as in, think. Don't just believe what you are told. Come to your own conclusions. Three BFPs + symptoms + one fluke test shouldn't have had me jumping to the worst of conclusions, but it did. Fear was more powerful than logic for me yesterday. I'm sure it's not the last time that will happen.

Beta is tomorrow. I'm feeling confident and pregnant. And very tired.

Switching gears for a moment... Three toddlerisms from today that I don't want to forget:

M to E, after putting her ball cap on his head and twisting it to the side: Say "'Sup, Homies"
E: 'Sup, Ponies

E, moving his trains around the track: Here you go, Sweetheart... Come this way, Sweetheart... (Got that one on video, thank goodness.)

Damn it. Already forgot the third one. *sigh* I really miss my brain.

Headed to bed. Will post with a beta number as soon as I have one!

6dp5dt

2011-09-27T11:02:00.000-05:00

Want to be cautiously optimistic with me?

Sorry the pic is so dark and blurry. I should have tried to get a better one. But, I think you can make out the important part. :-)

Cautious optimism, okay? I am endlessly excited and grateful to have seen two lines this morning, but also nervous to share something that feels so precarious. I know too well what can happen between now and my beta. That said, this morning's line was at least as dark as the "most positive" test I had with my chemical pregnancy, so I'm trying to draw reassurance from that and tune out the rest of the noise.

Please keep growing, little one. I am so happy to know you are here.

confessions of a early testing addict

2011-09-26T21:11:00.002-05:00

When I was a kid, I used to get into swimming pools an inch at a time. I’d sit poolside on the hot concrete lip and dip just my toes into the icy water, concentrating on holding my legs steady so that no strip of skin slipped below the surface before I gave it permission to do so. Once my toes had acclimated, I’d drop my knees a bit so that half of each foot was submerged. Once my legs were in as far as they’d go, I’d turn around and lower the rest of my body in at the same slow, deliberate pace. Hips… Waist… Chest… Shoulders… I’d focus on this task and ignore the trembling in my muscles for as long as it took. I had unwavering confidence in my strategy, despite my brother entering the pool via cannonball over my head and my dad’s assurance that, no really, it would be so much easier to just jump in and get it over with.

And so it goes, for me, with testing. I admire those of you who can hold out until 14dpo and take one test, knowing that whatever result you see is the final answer, let alone those of you who wait past 14dpo and go straight to your beta without having peed on a single stick (Cannonballers!!). I am soo not one of you. I need to ease into my BFNs, each day shining a little more light on the answer, like watching a scary movie through slightly-fanned fingers. In all of my 16 previous cycles, I have started testing around 9 or 10 dpo, not because I thought I had a chance of getting a BFP that early, but because I needed to acclimate myself to staring at a BFN. Once I had a couple of “fake” BFNs under my belt, I felt ready to start absorbing the real deal. Each day, the stark BFNs chiseled away at my hope, but left some intact as well. Maybe it’s just too early. Maybe there will be a faint line tomorrow. Probably not, but maybe. By the time I hit 13 and 14dpo and knew that the BFN was real, I had eased myself into it by degrees. I was ready for it; eager, even, if only to stop the parade of pee sticks and uncertainty.

Until this cycle. This cycle brought something surprising and unfamiliar. I have had NO desire to test. More than that, I've been genuinely fearful of it. Don’t get me wrong, it's not because I'd rather dive right in to the deep end. I want nothing to do with it altogether. Like, maybe I can just skip my beta and go on not knowing until I either have a baby in 9 months or not? A test means the end and if the end is bad news, I’m simply not ready for the hard decisions that come next. When M asked me yesterday when I planned to start testing, I told her I didn’t know and that I didn’t even have any tests in the house. This is crazy, people. I used to buy pregnancy tests by the metric ton and look at them every day, counting down the seconds until I could rip one open and pee on it. (Oh, the crazy things I have admitted in this blog!) M was – understandably – surprised and offered to grab some at the store for me. She asked what brand I wanted. I said “I don’t know, whatever is on sale I guess. Actually, no, don’t get any. I don’t know what I want to do yet.” And I went to bed last night knowing that I would wake up on 5dp5dt with nothing to pee on. It felt right last night. Well, right-ish. Most relatively right? OK, let’s be honest: I was really just avoiding the issue as if that would somehow make it go away.

This morning, it didn’t feel right at all. It turns out the only thing more scary to me than testing is NOT testing. I woke up and, within moments, felt pure, unadulterated panic. What had I done? I got my BFP with E at 6dp5dt. That meant that this morning was my last chance to take a pregnancy test with nothing of substance riding on it. From here on out, they count. Scary, scary. I briefly pondered the idea of waiting until my beta, or at least the weekend, now that I’d already missed my preferred entry point. The mere thought of setting myself up to be at the mercy of a single test, a single three-minute window to prepare myself for an answer of this magnitude, was more terrifying to me than any test result I could have seen this morning. Clearly, I had made a tactical error.

And that is how I ended up going to Dol.lar Tree on my lunch break and squinting at a pregnancy test in the fluorescent lighting of my work bathroom. It was completely and unsurprisingly negative. Aside from being ridiculously early and not FMU, I’m still chugging water by the gallon at my nurse’s insistence, so there’s barely a concentration of urine in my urine at the moment. Still, it felt good to pick up the security blanket of my practice BFNs. I should have known that abandoning the only strategy I've ever used would feel more scary, not less. The days march on. The answer is coming, whether I want it or not (NOT). Better to get it on familiar terms than to start diving headfirst into the pool now.

Oh geez, you guys. I'm so nervous. I just don't know what I'm going to do if this cycle is a bust.

I've had a lot of cramping since 2 days post-transfer, lots of breast tenderness, and a couple other... well, let's just call them oddities. I suspect they can all be chalked up to the combination of PIO and continued recovery from the ovarian stimulation and retrieval. As I said to a friend over email this weekend, I’m just hoping that I happen to be pregnant, too. You know, incidentally to my many "symptoms."

LMaF2: Donor Sperm

2011-09-26T13:41:00.001-05:00

I am throwing my hat into the ring for the Love Makes a Family Blog Carnival. This week’s theme is donor sperm. I have written a lot about donor sperm over the years so I figure the best way to do this without beating too many dead horses is to give a recap of our story for anyone who is new to my blog (Hello! Welcome!) and include links to some of those past posts in case there’s any part of our donor dealings you’d like to know more about.

We started out with a KD, my partner’s brother. [more] We did 8 or 9 tries with him before two things happened: (1) We ran into an absurd logistical roadblock [more] and (2) our desire to Get Pregnant Now outweighed our desire to have the bio link to M’s family and we switched to an anonymous donor for two tries. [more] Our selection process that time was uncomplicated. We were using a small bank (Midwest) and the options were quite limited. We read through the bios on all of the available donors and picked the guy we most wanted to be friends with. Easy peasy. Those two BFNs bought us the time we needed to resolve the issues with KD and the peace of mind to know another donor wouldn’t be a “one hit wonder” and we switched back to KD. Our son was conceived using KD’s sperm on try #15, our first IVF. We were also lucky enough to end up with 5 snowbabies after that cycle.

Shortly before we began TTC #2, we learned that KD had taken it upon himself to get a vasectomy several months earlier. [more] I did not take this news well at all and it led to some very dark ~~days~~ months around our house. I felt like the anticipated FET was already scary enough because I was so desperate to avoid another fresh cycle, but now the stakes were raised exponentially. Those five snowbabies were our last chance to have the specific family I’d been dreaming of for so long. Our RE and embryologist were adamant that we thaw all five despite our repeated requests for them to offer us an alternative plan. It’s a good thing we followed their advice too, because only two of the embryos survived the thaw, and neither were in great shape. We transferred both this past January and had a chemical pregnancy.

There is no way for me to capture in words the amount of grief and anger I felt at that time. Even now, I have to consider it indirectly, the way you would look at a solar eclipse or one of those goofy Magic Eye pictures, to avoid the white-hot burn of the emotions. I was sad that I wasn’t pregnant, of course, but mostly, I was grief-stricken/angry/heartbroken/frustrated that we were at the mercy of donors at all; that their decisions and whims – whether or not to donate at all, whether or not to get a vasectomy, whether or not to come in for STD testing – could have such epic consequences for my little family, and there was nothing I could do to shield us from it. The climb out of that hole was a steep one and took time. [more] We eventually decided to move forward with anonymous donor sperm. [more] Right away, we found a new donor we were really excited about and I felt like the stars came back into alignment. [more] Then that donor turned out to be a flake (Bad genes, I’m sure!) and we had to go back to the drawing board. [more] The process of picking yet another donor was much harder. There was no clear winner like before; no “love at first sight” to soothe my superstition into trusting we were on the right path. Instead, there was an abundance of candidates, all of whom were… fine, but nobody that made my heart sing. I couldn’t figure out how to sort through them. [more] Eventually, time ran out and we had to make a choice. [more] I continued to feel angsty about it for a while. As recently as a few weeks ago, I still didn’t feel settled on our decision. [more] But last week, we transferred two embryos that anonymous donor's sperm helped us to create. It wasn’t until we were sitting in the waiting room on transfer day, watching a UPS carrier haul in the unmistakable tall, rectangular box someone else hoped would be the answer to their prayers, that I turned to M and told her I’d completely forgotten the donor was ever part of our puzzle. Those embryos in a lab down the hall could not have felt any more ours, and the fact that I’d ever worried using an anonymous donor might take something away from that seemed completely absurd.

All of that said, I know I am still harboring some wounds from how our transition back to donor sperm played out. It’s not unlike having E at the end of a terrible labor. Was I happy to have the baby? Yes. More than I can ever say, yes, of course. But it didn’t stop me from grieving the parts of myself I lost along the way. Having him didn’t stop me from wishing I could have a baby and also feel strong and accomplished and in-control. There were important lessons learned along the way and, in time, I know I will come to feel grateful for them. I’m also hoping with every fiber of my being that, 9 months from now, I will be holding a tiny someone who will give the ultimate meaning to every twist, turn and bump along our road.

Next up in the carnival: An Offering of Love

the lone ranger

2011-09-22T14:55:00.000-05:00

We have one snowbaby. I took the call at my desk and was concentrating so hard on keeping my side of the conversation discreet, I didn't ask what stage it was frozen at, but I'm okay not knowing. Hopefully it will become a moot point thanks to a BFP. And yes, I will be sure to update on my adventures in testing as they unfold. :-) Last time around, we had a bunch of outside-the-computer friends and family we wanted to tell before risking them seeing it online. This time, we've told almost nobody, so you all will be the first to know!

I had a tiny bit of spotting just now - first I've had since the transfer. Just noting it.

2w 5d

2011-09-21T16:48:00.000-05:00

Here's hoping, anyway!

We transferred one blast and one late-stage compacting embryo at 1pm today. More details about the transfer to come (just 'cause I want them recorded somewhere) but that's the critical information. We should know tomorrow or Friday whether we have any snowbabies. Many of the embryos have already arrested but she said we might get one or two blasts or morulas that are suitable to freeze. Hopefully they won't be needed!

Thanks to everyone who is still reading this blog despite all the crazy that's been seeping into it over the past few days.

Beta is October 3rd. At-home testing to begin in about a week.

corrections

2011-09-20T16:29:00.000-05:00

Hey, did you know that 8 cells is not the minimum standard for Day 3 embryos? It’s actually the precise stage of development they look for. It’s a subtle difference, but an important one. Some experts even believe that dividing too quickly (>10 cells on Day 3) is just as much an indicator of poor quality as dividing too slowly. I guess a lot of you did know all of that, but I didn’t. tbean’s comment yesterday inspired me to consult Dr. Google and… Oh. Oops.

I never researched Day 3 embryo quality during my last cycle because when I got the anticipated update call, I clung blindly to the nurse’s reassurance that everything was perfect. “Anything 8 cells or higher is great for this stage,” she said. This led me to understand embryo development as More = Better, without qualification. I used that schema to evaluate my update this time around, and I got myself worked up over something I shouldn’t have.

Here’s the thing: I’m just nervous. So, so nervous. I keep trying to find a measuring stick that will help me prepare for whatever the outcome of this cycle will be, even though I know such a thing doesn’t exist. When I got what I thought was a not-so-great update yesterday, I vomited my nervousness all over my blog before even taking a moment to think about it, let alone research what it actually meant. Rest assured that I’m feeling rather humbled today, and also extremely lucky and grateful to be where we are.

Transfer is tomorrow at 11:30am. Our clinic uses a surgical rotation and the doctor that will be doing the transfer tomorrow is the same one that nestled E into place 3 years ago. That feels like a good sign. I had acupuncture today and she planted three "seeds" in my ear that will remain there until Thursday evening. I'm ready. Let's do this.

serenity now

2011-09-19T15:27:00.001-05:00

I just got the call from the hens at the RE's office. All 12 embryos are doing their thing to some extent. Here's what we have:

2 4-cell
1 5-cell
2 6-cell
3 7-cell, and
4 8-cell

They are dividing slower than last time. So, that's a bummer. On the flip side, we still have 12 embryos, so feeling lucky about that.

My main goal right now is to keep myself centered in the belief that anything is possible. Every little bit of news that comes in tries to lure me into the dreaded all-or-nothing thinking...

Stimming doesn't seem to be going as well as it did last time. It's not going to work!
My BFF In Loco Parentis contributes the single most important ingredient to our BFP cocktail. It's going to work! (P.S. Thanks for the toddler!)
The nurse tells M we only had 11 eggs retrieved. It's not going to work!
Fert report comes in confirming 19 eggs retrieved and 12 embryos. It's going to work!
Embryo update pales in comparison to where we were last time around; many are lagging behind where they want to see them. It's not going to work!

I'm doing an okay job of staying open and hopeful, but it's hard, and of course there is room for improvement. To that end, anyone who wants to tell me success stories about sluggish embryos is kindly requested to pull up a chair. Also, if anyone can remind me when I'm supposed to start eating pineapple, that'd be awesome too. ;-)

OMG

2011-09-17T10:35:00.002-05:00

Fert report is in and it's very, very good.

20 eggs retrieved. 19 mature. 12 fertilized (4/9 ICSI, 8/10 conventional).

As you know, they'd only found 11 eggs by the time we left yesterday. I made the nurse double-check that she hadn't switched my chart with someone else's because the news seemed to good to be true. She pulled my records up in the computer to verify there hadn't been a transcription error and reported that I "can be happy all day."

That is only one less embryo than we had last time. Un-freaking-believable.

We made an eleventh-hour decision to do partial ICSI (like, in my cap and booties three minutes before the retrieval) as an insurance policy against the "no reported pregnancies" concern. Not only did we not need it but, apparently, it hurt rather than helped us. Oh well, there's no way to have known that in advance and with 12 embryos dividing in a lab across town, I am nowhere near complaining.

home

2011-09-16T15:58:00.000-05:00

I'm still really groggy and drifting in and out (mostly out) of consciousness on the couch, but the doctor thinks she got 11 eggs. We'll know more tomorrow when the fert report comes in.

Friday Follies

2011-09-14T15:25:00.000-05:00

Triggering at 9:30pm tonight for a Friday morning retrieval.

Nurse said my E2 is "just under 4000" and I actually had 19 measurable follicles this morning, but many are still immature. She cautioned me that we might only end up with 5-6 eggs to work with. I hope that is a conservative estimate, but of course we'll be grateful for anything we get.

Fear and hope. Hand in glove. Thank you for keeping us in your thoughts.

The Part That Is Easier & The Road Taken

2011-09-14T12:38:00.003-05:00

I've been working on two different posts during stolen minutes over the past few days. They are related, but not seamlessly, so my preference would be to post them individually. That said, I'm starting to worry that I'll never get around to finishing and publishing them separately between all of the cycle updates, so here they are. Together. Mind the gap.

I wrote this post a while ago about the parts of TTC#2 that felt harder than TTC #1. I was hurting and venting and it was completely one-sided. There are things that suck about TTC#2 that are different from what we went through last time, but there are also things that are better. One big one in particular: Elliot. No matter what happens with this cycle, I am already a parent. The "worst case scenario" is that we stay a family of three, not that we might have to re-imagine our future without a child in it. Knowing that is luxury I didn't have the first time around; a luxury my friends currently battling primary infertility do not have. It is true that the longing to not have an only child has a familiar fire to it, but it's not the same. The fundamental cross-over is really from child-free to parent, isn't it? Everything after that is important, yes, but it doesn't redefine everything from your morning routine to your overall identity the way becoming a parent for the first time does. I feel like a jerk for bemoaning the growing age gap and the omnipresence of babies and bellies everywhere we go without acknowledging the privilege contained therein. Sorry about that. I was in the quicksand at the time. Having stood on both sides of the fence, I can officially confirm that there's a whole lot of brown (and green) grass everywhere.

Another edge secondary infertility has over primary is that your life is a 3-ring circus and it is virtually impossible to obsess too much over the details of your treatment cycles. (To a fault, at times.) Time flies by, and your cycle rolls along with it. Here's hoping the 2ww passes as quickly as the last month has.

Choppy segue to more good stuff...

As I mentioned a few days ago, my FET cycle buddy gave birth to healthy twins last week. (And holy crap are they adorable.) It's hard to have such a tangible reminder of where we desperately wanted to be right now. They are the Road Not Taken. The only thing that makes seeing their beautiful faces bearable is that I guenuinely feel good about where we are instead. Back in February, I wrote this post including all of the silver linings to not being pregnant following the FET. Among them:

Fulfilling Maid of Honor duties for my out-of-town friend in April. Check. It was really fun, and really exhausting, and that was without any hit-by-a-truck pregnancy fatigue. If I were pregnant, there's no way I could have participated to the extent I did, if at all. Sharing in her wedding was so special and I'm not just being trite in saying I will treasure my memories of it for the rest of my life. The champagne was good, too.
Trip to England in June. Check. I had more than one bout of feeling cranky and disenfranchised leading up to this trip, but I knew that once we were there, it would feel worth every sacrifice, and it did. I met members of M's extended family for the first time (after 10+ years as a couple) and watched them play with and love on our son. We spent 4 days cruising up and down a canal - hiking mile upon mile during the day and drinking pint upon pint at night. We met the lovely Vee and Jay and marveled as our Transatlantic Twins took Legoland by storm - these two amazing beings we all spent years fearing we'd never conceive. I took over 1000 pictures (so basically a flip book) and every time I look at them, I feel deeply lucky that we were able to take this vacation when we did. Who knows when we will have the opportunity to go again and who of M's family elders will still be around to receive us?
Lose 10-15 pounds. Check. 14.4 pounds, to be exact, and at least a full pant size. This has come in extremely handy as my midsection expands to epic proportions in response to the stims. Both yesterday and today, I gingerly zipped myself into pants that haven't seen the light of day in months. Aside from the logistics of not having to go to work naked, it feels good to be hopefully launching a pregnancy from a healthier starting point.

In addition to those items I laid out months ago, we've done other things that make the timing of all of this feel like it worked out for the better:

I was in a musical. Not just any musical - a challenging, rave-reviewed, all-out party of a show (See loss of 14.4 pounds above.) So much fun. So many memories. So, so glad I was able to do it.
We took E to Disneyland. It was one of the best vacations I've ever been on. Seriously. E (aka Evil Knievel) loved every second of it, and it's true what they say about everything seeming new and exciting through a child's eyes. Oh, and I was able to ride roller coasters to my heart's content. (Do NOT miss California Screamin' at the California Adventure park. Amazing.)

I have a good life and a great family. Things don't always (okay, almost never) seem to go as I plan them, but it all works out in the end. I'm hoping to the moon and back that my wishes for a successful cycle, a BFP, and a healthy pregancy will be granted. Of course I am. We've invested unfathomable amounts of money and effort and hope in this cycle. But we'll be okay, no matter what happens.

My reasons for spewing rainbows into the blogosphere this morning are two-fold: (1) I really wanted to get all of this down "on paper" before my retrieval. I'm worried that if things don't go well at any stage, I'm going to lose sight of some of this, and I want it documented to come back to. (2) I am a hot mess this morning and feel the need to off-set it a bit. It's gray and rainy, I look and feel like crap, I have purple and green bruises on both arms, I could pass for 5 months pregnant with all the bloating, and I woke up with a raging case of Pink Eye. Oh yes, I did. My doctor is calling in a prescription for the last item on that list so hopefully I can pick it up on my lunch hour. Still 18 follicles on ultrasound and they were bigger this morning, but barely. Now I'm nervous they're going to make me wait one more day which means more expensive meds to order and more waddling to do. I'm fine with whatever they think will give us the best chances of success, but I also wouldn't complain if they said I could be done sooner than later. :-) More news as soon as I have it!

I can't think of a play on the number 18.

2011-09-13T17:39:00.001-05:00

But that's how many measurable follicles I had this morning. Most are in the 15-16mm range or smaller, but there was one 18mm one in the mix. All newly-measured follicles are on my right side - left side tally remains at 4. Guess my left ovary is officially phoning this one in. No trigger shot tonight (yay!) and back tomorrow for another scan/stick. The nurse said she thinks that should be the last one. She didn't mention my E2 number and I didn't think to ask for it until after I hung up. I'm still queasy and tired, and this afternoon, I finally started feeling like my ovaries were reaching a respectable level of discomfort, so more reassurance that things are progressing. And that's the scoop for today!

Thanks so much for all of the support and cheerleading. It really means a lot to me. :-)

10-4

2011-09-12T16:54:00.000-05:00

Today's update is in at last. E2 is 1799 and I'm up to 14 measurable follicles - 4 on the left and 10 on the right. 4 of them are still very small (10-11mm) but the rest are between 13 and 16. I had acupuncture during my lunch hour and she must have really stirred up my hormones because I feel lousy - really queasy and achy. That's a good thing though... right? Next stick/scan is tomorrow.

The nurse said there is still the possibility of a Thursday retrieval but it seems more likely it will be this Friday, which is GREAT news. M and I both have work responsibilities that make Friday (and the resulting Monday or Wednesday transfer) easier to accomodate than Thursday. We'll make it work whenever it falls, of course, but perhaps we'll be lucky enough to avoid the hurdles altogether.

I know 10 good-sized follicles are worthy of celebration, but it's hard not to compare this cycle to last time and feel disappointed in my lesser response. So, I'm adding a line to my mantra...

The odds are on our side.
This worked for us last time.
No reason not to hope for the best.
It only takes one.

Moving on... M and I are having an honest-to-goodness date night tonight! I can't remember the last time we had one. First we are cashing in a Groupon at a non-child-friendly restaurant (with wine! and award-winning desserts!) and then we're going to see the last Harry Potter movie. We've been aggressively searching for an opportunity to see it together since it was released and now, almost exactly two months later, we're doin' it! I'm super excited. I think this is exactly what we need to fortify ourselves for what is sure to be a week of emotional and physical intensity.

And on that note, I am over and out!

Lucky 7

2011-09-10T15:23:00.001-05:00

An 8am monitoring appointment on a Saturday with a side of extended vein fishing is cruel and unusual punishment. But hey, they don't give IVF stripes out for free, right? E2 came back at 736 and, after 7 days of stimming, I have 7 measurable follicles (5 on the right, 2 on the left) with another 24 that were less than 10mm. It's not as good a response as I was having last time at this point in the cycle, but apples and oranges and all of that and it only takes one so... yeah. Things are good. All meds stay the same. Next scan/stick is Monday morning.

I wrote a big long post about a story I wanted to share, but once I got it all written out, I lost the nerve to publish it. The abridged version is that due to a bizarre constellation of circumstances, something really cool unfolded for us over the past couple of days and has me feeling really lucky, and humbled, and like even the big ol' universe is pulling for us a bit on this one.

egg on my face

2011-09-07T11:55:00.001-05:00

I just talked to the nurse and I messed up my meds last night.

I was admittedly distracted when the call came in yesterday afternoon with my new doses, so that was the first strike. Then, it was not my normal nurse (who is very conscientious about explaining things slowly and checking for understanding along the way) and I got totally confused listening to her instructions on how to reconstitute the Menopur. I realized about 1/3 of the way in that I had no idea what she was talking about - she pretty much lost me at "Q-Cap." I told the nurse I wasn't following but knew there were videos on my pharmacy's website that I could watch. She said the videos are good but cautioned me to only use half a mL of diluent instead of the full mL shown. End of call. I wasn't overly stressed about it, but I did leave work early so I could look over all of the injection supplies while watching the video before my class to make SURE I had no questions.

The problem is that I was thinking of Menopur as a fixed dose med, like a trigger shot - one vial of diluent, one vial of powder and voila! I thought my only concern was how to mix it, not how much to mix. My stomach dropped when I watched the video and learned that you can dilute up to six vials of Menopur in a single mL of diluent because, you know, some people are supposed to use several at a time. Oh, shit. I had this very vague memory of the nurse saying something that might have been "and then you inject all of the liquid into the other vial," but I was so confused by that point I hadn't really absorbed it. What was it she said? What was it she said?! I picked up the phone and called the clinic immediately but it was just past 4pm and all of the phones were already set to nights. I called every number I had for various clinic staff - all straight to the main recording with no inbox to leave a message. My question didn't seem worthy of calling the exchange and I knew they probably wouldn't have access to my chart anyway. I did a quick Google search to see if I could tease out a "most common" initial Menopur dose - no dice. All I learned was that there is waaaaay more variety in people's IVF drug protocols than I ever imagined. I could not for the life of me (and still don't) recall the nurse ever articulating a numeric dose for the Menopur, but it's entirely possible she said it and I missed it. I eventually settled on using one vial with the rationale that it seemed like a more easily-corrected error to under-stim than to over-stim.

I was supposed to do two vials.

The nurse is checking with the doctor on whether it's worth it for me to run home and inject a second vial now or just let it go and start the full dose tonight. I know this is not a big deal - the worst case scenario is that I stim for an extra day. I just really hate making mistakes, especially those that could have been easily avoided with a little more preparation on my part.

The backdrop as all of this plays out? My officemates' loud and lengthy debate about who is most likely to be pregnant next. *sigh*

Update: The nurse called back. No catch-up shot today, just start the 150 tonight.

What's new?

2011-09-06T23:12:00.000-05:00

Oh my, this post is going to be a complete hodge podge. Brace yourselves.

First up: What a difference three years makes. Stim day 4 E2 was 70 this morning. 3+ years ago it was 83. Nurse says 70 is a fine number. I find it interesting (yup, just interesting, not scary or dismal or foreboding or...) to see the difference my age has made on my response to the stims. Apparently there is some truth to that whole business about your fertility decreasing over time. Who knew? I started Menopur tonight which means the pharmaceutical road has diverged and I can no longer compare my monitoring results to my last cycle. Probably for the better.

Next up: What a difference 8 months makes. My local FET buddy delivered healthy twins today at 35w2d. I am happy to report that I did not fall apart as I predicted I would. There was special weight to seeing their pictures on FB this afternoon, but it didn't linger. I am grateful for all of the adventures we filled our break time with. It has certainly made it easier to make peace with being so far behind where I once wanted so desperately to be.

Sperm has been ordered. Delivery should take place on Friday.

I teach a class on Tuesday nights from 5:30-8:30pm. I'm supposed to do my injections between 6-7pm. As you may recall, tonight was the first night for Menopur. Here's a vignette for the baby book: Running upstairs to a secluded bathroom during our 7pm break, frantically reconstituting Menopur, prepping Lupron and Follistim injections, then administering the trifecta, all the while watching the time on my phone like I'm trying to meet some Olympic qualifying time. I'm adding it to the list of bizarre places I've shot up during this cycle. Already on the list: Multiple Disneyland/California Adventure restrooms, the main cabin of an airplane just after take-off, a city park restroom (grossgrossgross), and between rounds of a Bocce Ball tournament M and I played in over the weekend.

My parents are coming into town in a few days. They are going to take E on a mini-vacation while I recover from the retrieval. I'm a little anxious about the couple of days away from him, but if my recovery goes anything like it did last time, I know it will be better for everyone if he's off having fun somewhere else. If we're going through all of the angst of the separation, I wish we were at least getting some kind of a romantic getaway out of it (instead of the ultra-glam couch moaning I expect to be doing) but I guess a shot at expanding our family will have to do. ;-)

E is so freaking amazing and wonderful and adorable right now. His development deserves a post unto itself. In lieu of that (later? maybe?), I will tell you that his music of choice right now is the Jurassic Park soundtrack (in which he does a pretty darn good job of identifying the various instruments, for a 2 year old) and Peter and the Wolf. We've had more than one driveway tantrum brought on by our request that he come inside the house to play and he instead insists on staying in the car to "listen to the cellos." Hilarious. He's all about negotiating doing this or that for "a little bit" or "five minutes" and he says things are "just fine" all the time. A couple of days ago, he started exclaiming "Oh, wow!" in response to things. We have no idea where this came from. Tonight while he was in the bathtub, we played I Spy with different colored things, and in addition to finding things when I suggested a color, he would tell me the colors of things to look for as well. The best new development of all? When we tell him we love him, he will sometimes say "I love you too" in this very genuine, non-reflexive way, and it sounds like he truly understands and means what he says. Those moments alone make all of this IVF nonsense seem worth it.

imaginary crisis averted

2011-09-03T09:30:00.000-05:00

Thanks for your thoughtful comments and encouragement on my last post. I couldn't get an audience with my RE (that place is like Fort Knox sometimes) but I talked to the nurse who confirmed what we all thought: After all of the pre-screening the donors go through, the only variable left that might make someone a relatively better or worse donor is sperm count, and that is a moot point for IVF. So, we're going for it. And I feel good about it, thanks in large part to all of you.

Stims were pushed back a day to keep my first blood draw off their holiday workload, so we'll start tonight. I'm ready to get this show on the road!

August: Green

2011-09-03T09:17:00.002-05:00

Excuse me ma'am, your neuroses are showing.

2011-09-01T16:35:00.000-05:00

So we picked a donor (see below) and I was feeling good about it. But then I didn't place our order. A day passed... Another day passed... And then a couple more. On Monday, our IVF nurse called to see what was up with our sperm order. I waited until Tuesday to call her back and told her I would place our order on Wednesday, even though I could have easily done it right then. I kept the cryobank page pulled up on my work computer all day yesterday but never pulled the trigger. I second-guessed every last thing about our donor choice, but I knew all along those "concerns" were just place-holders for the real issue: I still have hang-ups about our switch to anonymous donor sperm. It was mitigated with The Beatle by having found our perfect, sent-from-above donor. But without that golden parachute, it turns out I'm still angry and sad and, frankly, in denial that we really have to go this route. The timing for this is poor. I start stims tomorrow. We don't have time for me to freak out about using a sperm bank.

The "do as I say, not as I do" lesson is this: Be sure to finalize all donor decisions and orders prior to shooting up large volumes of hormones as you will not be able to think rationally about anything and will instead be reduced to a jumble of tears and emotions when asked to complete simple tasks.

M and I had a good discussion about all of this last night. How she puts up with me I will never know, but I sure am lucky. She gave me the pep talk I needed, reminding me of all of the reasons we have made the decisions we have made up to this point. And I felt good about it again.

This morning, I pulled up the cryobank page, put a vial into my cart and proceeded to check-out. I went back to review his profile one more time... oh yes I did, because I am THAT dysfunctional... and there is just this one fly in the ointment I can't get past. It's the one concern I think might actually be real and not just me setting up false barriers. He has no reported pregnancies.

Here are the facts:

I did some internet research on whether or not this should be a concern. The consensus is NO. (Possible dissenting opinion may be found here.) Any factors that might inhibit fertility from the male end are ostensibly screened out before a donor is released in the first place. There are many factors that play into whether a donor has reported pregnancies or not and, at best, this data point is a reflection of how long the donor has been active in the program, but even that has multiple limitations. And hey, KD had no reported pregnancies and 14 failed inseminations on his resume before he worked for us during our IVF cycle. Just sayin'...
I called the bank and he has been active since January of 2011, so only 8 months. The stuff I found online said it often takes around a year for a donor to show reported pregnancies. The bank was adamant that they do not consider his lack of reported pregnancies to be of any concern at this point. But really, what else are they going to say?
I looked at the 40 donors listed on either side of him numerically, so presumably, the 40 donors who became available immediately before and after him. Of the 40 that became available later, just over half still do not have any reported pregnancies. Of the 40 that became available just before him, only two (gulp, two) do not have reported pregnancies yet.
On one hand, I think that doing IVF makes this less of a concern because even if his swimmers aren't peak performers, IVF should make that a moot point, right? (I have a call in to the RE to discuss this.) On the other hand, this isn't IUIs where the stakes are relatively lower and we can switch after a month or two if we want. We get one shot. If none of the eggs fertilize, that's it. We're looking at another whole cycle (and another whole $12,000) if we want to try again. This cycle has already been rough on me physically. It's so much harder going through it with a toddler in the house. I can't imagine having to turn around and do it all over again, not that we could afford to anyway.
I have pored over the other options and I really want to stick with this guy unless we have good reason not to.

So... What would you do?

The Breakthrough

2011-09-01T15:39:00.000-05:00

Finally getting back to this...

So we had these two guys. Let’s call them Dr. Doolittle and The Boy Next Door. We liked them both equally, which is to say they were the best of the profiles we reviewed. I wanted one of them to reach out and grab me the way The Beatle had, but the longer I stared at the profiles, the more certain I became that we would have to use actual decision-making to choose one of them. But how? How do you weigh the relative values of this quality or that trait?

These were the criteria we used to narrow it down to Dr. Doolittle and The Boy Next Door, roughly in order of importance to us, and how they both rate in each category:

ID Release: This has been non-negotiable for me since Bleu suggested it in a comment on this post. Both of these donors made the cut.
Physical resemblance to M’s family: They both have it. Kind of. Neither are the ringer The Beatle was, but their features are fairly neutral and neither have noses or brows or chins that look dramatically different from M's family. The Boy Next Door might have a slightly greater resemblance to KD, and therefore E, but Dr. Doolittle looks a bit more like M, which presents an interesting option.
British heritage: M’s family is deeply English in appearance, speech and mannerism. The Beatle was 100% English as well. Neither of the new donors are. Dr. Doolittle has some English in the mix, along with 3 or 4 other things, and The Boy Next Door is Irish and Welsh so, close but no cigar. At one point, this felt important to me. I wanted our kids to have the same answer to the “What are we?” question, as I remember going through a phase where my own cultural heritage felt very salient. I’m over it, though. I’m down with understanding culture experientially rather than biologically and in that respect, our next child will be 50% English, just as E is, no matter what his or her donor’s nationality was.
Artistic: Both M and I are. Both of our families are. It feels important to us. The Beatle was. Neither Dr. Doolittle or The Boy Next Door claim any artistic ability. This criterion lost out to others when we couldn’t find a (second) perfect match, but I still feel a little unsettled about that.
Intelligent: Huh, how to justify this one without sounding like a first-rate narcissist? M and I both come from smart-ish families (if not humble ones, ha ha!) and E is a smart little cookie. If we were starting from scratch, I'd prioritize kindness or creativity over intelligence any day, but we want to conceive a child that will fit in well with E and be able to hold his or her own in the inevitable sibling scuffles. We aren't looking for a rocket scientist, just someone of at least average intelligence. Both donors seem to meet this criteria. Assessing this is a total guess anyway. Sure there are test scores and GPAs and fields of study and interview responses, but how much of that is nurture, socialization and access to resources? Quite a bit, I'm guessing.
Laid-back temperament: M has this. I do not. E does not. It seemed like it might be a good idea to balance our family out a bit rather than add another strong-willed cook to the kitchen. Both donors seem to have this, Dr. Doolittle more so than The Boy Next Door.
No major health issues: This goes without saying, but to be honest, we weren't all that hung up on it. We kind of figured that anyone who would make the cut to be in a donor program would have a cleaner family medical history than either of us. Aside from one donor who got the ax for too many cancers on too many branches of his family tree, we didn't put too much weight into this category.

M was leaning toward Dr. Doolittle and, looking at the list above, I agree that he seems to have a slight edge. The clincher for M was the clip of his audio interview in which he managed to come off sounding smart, funny, easy-going, compassionate, and all-around amazing… all in a 30-second answer to a single question! But for some reason, I couldn’t get on board. It wasn’t because I wanted The Boy Next Door. I just couldn’t choose either one over the other.

The Breakthrough came when I read through each profile in great detail and tried to distill their most attractive qualities down to a 1-2 sentence summary. What I came up with was that I liked The Boy Next Door because he seemed like M’s people – smart, thoughtful, soft-spoken, laid-back – and he is studying the same subject both M and KD have made careers in. There is nothing particularly flashy or attractive about his profile. He’s just a good, solid candidate. I liked Dr. Doolittle because, well, he kind of seems like the perfect guy. Even the person recording his "staff impressions" clearly had a crush on him (no joke). He has cool interests and a cool field of study and cool belief systems and just seemed like the kind of genes you’d like to recruit into your family. But then I realized that a big part of what made Dr. Doolittle so attractive to me was his Other-ness; the novelty of his Philosophy major (we don't have any of those anywhere on our family trees) and the Mr. Cool voice in his audio recording (like all the popular kids I was too Type A to hang out with in high school and college). The opportunity to literally purchase qualities I admire in others was a seductive one. That said, if we are sincere about our efforts to conceive the child that is most genetically pre-disposed to blend in with our families and the child we already have, The Boy Next Door is the obvious choice. I shared these thoughts with M who agreed, and thus the decision was made.

In one of the stars, I shall be living.

2011-08-31T11:20:00.000-05:00

We’re back from a wonderful visit to Disneyland. I was worried E might be too young to get much out of it but that wasn’t the case at all. He loved every minute of it and I’m really glad we took him when we did.

I very purposefully unplugged for the duration of our trip. I checked email once a day, and stayed off FB and blogs altogether, with two exceptions: I logged on each night to check on an outside-the-computer friend who had a c-section scheduled for Monday morning (her daughter couldn’t wait and was born eight hours prior to the appointment – 9lbs. 15oz. and 22.5 inches long, a week before her due date!) and both Laurie and Heather’s FB pages for updates on their boys. I can tell you that there is nothing to jar you out of the Happiest Place on Earth like the news that two friends have endured the greatest loss imaginable. Reading of Parker’s passing rocked me to my core and I haven’t stopped thinking of them since. I know so many of you are in the same place. I’ve been particularly focused on channeling all of the positive energy I can muster to Zachary in hopes that he gets stronger by the minute and can join his family at home soon.

I have more of my own stuff to write about, but I don’t want to muddy this post with talk of lupron, sperm shopping and the like.

Rest in peace, dear Parker. You touched so many people in your short time on Earth and we will support your mothers in their grief for as long as they need it.

odds and ends

2011-08-24T21:39:00.002-05:00

1. Lupron injections use tiny syringes. I had forgotten how easy and painless they were. Quite a change after the PIO I shot up most recently. One shot down, eleventy billion to go.

2. Two nights ago, E said he wanted a new baby. M asked if he wanted a brother or a sister and he chose sister. It was the first time he's said anything like that to either of us. We, of course, haven't discussed anything related to IVF or potential siblings in front of him. I would be knocked over by his superhuman display of perception except that I'm 99% sure this was brought on by the fact one of his best school buds is expecting a little sister in the next couple of weeks. I'm certain they've all been talking about it a lot. So yeah, it's totally a coincidence, but the timing of his declaration is not lost on me.

3. We're headed to Disneyland on Friday. The fact that we haven't let E watch anything but the odd Thomas episode here and there has made the Disney characters complete strangers to him. We've had him in boot camp for the last couple of weeks, watching youtube clips of Disney movies (hence his recent crush on Belle) and listening to the music for The Tiki Room, Pirates of the Caribbean, and so forth. I think he's ready. ;-) The last time we went to Disney (World, that time) was right before our last IVF cycle. Hopefully it will bring us good luck this time, too.

ready or not

2011-08-23T22:54:00.000-05:00

Hey, look what I get to delve into tomorrow.

Last time we did this, I felt giddy on Pincushion Eve; like things were finally going to start happening for us. Tonight I feel a little excited, a little detached, and scared out of my ever loving mind that it isn't going to work. I think I'm still rattled from the chemical pregnancy, and I'm really, really scared that we're going to pour all of this money and time and emotion into this cycle come up empty-handed again. Just trying to take deep breaths and focus on the positive.

The odds are on our side.
This worked for us last time.
No reason not to hope for the best.

donor daze

2011-08-19T23:58:00.001-05:00

I think we have a new donor picked out. I realize few if any of you care about all of the angst it took to get us here, having experienced similar angst yourselves so hey, stop your unoriginal whining already K, but some day I'll forget about all of the drama we went through (or so I'm told) so I'm preserving it here for all eternity. Or until the internet implodes. Whichever comes first.

I've been pouting and head-in-the-sand-ing and generally wasting time when it comes to picking a new donor, hoping we'd get a magical call from Xy.tex that would sound something like this: "We're sorry, we know we told you your chosen donor hadn't been in for his STD screening yet and then we'd still have to wait three weeks after he showed up before we'd be able to lift his quarantine but you know what? He stopped by this morning and he just looked so darn virile and healthy, we decided it would be crime not to expedite his lab results so we have them back already and he's clean as a whistle. We started calling his waiting list this afternoon and, wouldn't you know it? All five people ahead of you answered their phones on the first ring and deferred their claim to his vials which means they're all sitting right here with your name on them and I'll ship one out first thing tomorrrow morning."

The call didn't come. Shocker.

Over the weekend, the sound of the ticking clock in my head began to drown out all rational thought so we started poring over every last detail the cryobanks would give us for free. We made a list of seven or eight donors between Xy.tex, Fai.rfax and C.CB that we wanted to take on a second date.

On Monday, I talked to the nurse at my RE's office and she said it was time to call the donor sperm coordinator to get our vials ordered. Crap. I published a blog post looking for people who had already paid for unlimited access to donor information on one of these sites in hopes I could pay one of them to slip me some classified intel. Unfortunately, my blog doesn't know anyone with the necessary security clearance. Late that night, we caved and purchased the "a la carte" baby pictures for four donors at Fa.irfax as well as an unlimited membership to CC.B so we could check out three donors there. The information gathered helped us narrow the pool down to two favorites - one at C.CB and one at Fai.rfax. Then we got stuck.

On Tuesday, I was perusing C.CB donor profiles at work (shh, don't tell) and found a third candidate that I felt rivaled the two we already had on the medal podium. I showed him to M that night and she agreed. After much deliberation, we took the first C.CB donor out of the running leaving Fair.fax and C.CB2 in the race. Stuck again.

On Wednesday, I wrote an email to a friend explaining how annoying sperm shopping is and how we went from zero donors to two donors and I didn't have any confidence that we'd get it back down to one any time soon, and I wasn't sure how much longer I could blatantly disregard the nurse's instruction to get our sh*t together before they'd hunt me down. Right after I hit send, I printed out every last bit of profile information we can access on C.CB2 and Fa.irfax, read through it all once, and had The Breakthrough. I went home that night and pitched it to M who agreed and thus, the decision was made to go with C.CB2 (who is already hurting for a new blog name).

On Thursday, we sat with the decision. It held up nicely. There was a bit of a hiccup when I noticed (for the first time, because I'm totally perceptive like that) that the lovely CC.B2 has no reported pregnancies yet. Oh, for the love... Then I went and looked at all the other donors around his same number. Less than half (maybe even less than a quarter) have reported pregnancies. I think he's just too new to the program for that to be a meaningful data point. Plus, we're probably doing ICSI (because, you know, it costs more so why not?) on at least half the embryos which is kind of What They Do for less than optimal sperm, so we should be covered even if there is an issue. I'd be more worried if we were doing ICIs, which... bwahahahahahahahahahaha.

Today, I finally placed the call to the donor sperm coordinator and she told me - you knew that couldn't be the end of the story, right? - that we have until the day before our retrieval to get the sperm there. What? That's, like, 10+ days more than I thought we had. Not long enough to make any real difference, but I didn't let that stop me from trying. I emailed Xy.tex to see if maybe, just maybe, The Beatle had shown up for his STD screening and they'd be releasing vials prior to our new deadline. Turns out The Beatle is a flake (bad genes, I'm certain of it) and still hasn't even shown up. She actually went so far as to say she doesn't think he;s going to come in at all, which means those vials are as good as incinerated. So that's that. CC.B2 it is, and I'm mostly good with that; good as I can be with an anonymous non-Beatle, I guess.

Stay tuned for the next chapter in which I over-process The Breakthrough.

indecent proposal

2011-08-15T18:04:00.000-05:00

Does anyone have an active s p e r m b a n k subscription (particularly to one beginning with X, F, C or N) and an entrepreneurial spirit? If so, shoot me an email at romancingthestork [at] gmail. I have a proposition for you. ;-)

tickled pink

2011-08-09T21:47:00.000-05:00

Thanks for being pissed off with me yesterday. Today, I’ve downgraded my dissatisfaction to “ugh, whatever” but of course I still wish things were different. I went home last night and reviewed the profiles/photos of other donors that I’d downloaded back when our membership was about to expire. You know, just in case. Ha ha. I picked out my distant second- and third-place options to run by M, and also did some poking around on other banks’ websites to see how much it would set us back to look at some more donor pictures. Today I checked the Xy.tex website and would you believe it? My second-choice donor is sold out, too! Awesome!! I got on his pending list which is such a joke because we need to order sperm in the next 2-3 weeks, but whatever. I also got another email from the Xy.tex rep and she sounds really hopeful that something may still work out with The Beatle, despite the timeframe I gave her and the pending list placement she gave me. I don’t know whether to be grateful or annoyed about this. I’m leaning toward grateful for her good intentions but realistic about the (non-existent) chance that she’s on to something.

Last night was rough. Every time I looked at E, I got sad all over again that we’ll never get another shot to roll the same dice that brought him to us. Here we have this amazing kid who is smart and feisty and funny and cute as a freaking button, and I just want him all over again, or at least as close as the genetic lottery will allow. That option has been off the table for ages, and yet somehow it’s like the loss of it happened yesterday. It’s so bizarre how old wounds can get re-opened by new twists and turns. I also can’t stop re-hashing the opportunity we missed back in February when The Beatle had units available. If we’d been told at the time how this would actually go – nothing available until a final release in August/September – I’m 100% sure we would have bought then, but that’s not the message we were given. Nothing to do now except try to get the track to stop playing in my head. To that end, here’s a funny story about that perfect kid to reinforce why I should spend less time whining and more time counting my blessings.

I was tied up with a project all weekend and in my absence, M and E went aquarium shopping. They came home with a 10 gallon tank kit and had it set up by the time I got home on Sunday. We talked about how E would get to pick out a fish and name it and it could be his pet, just Elmo has a pet fish named Dorothy. I asked what he thought he might name his fish and without a millisecond of hesitation, he declared that his fish would be named Sandwich. OK then!

We made a deal with E that he could pick out a new fish for his aquarium every week that he did well during his swimming lesson*. Last night provided the first opportunity – a bit of a stretch perhaps, but we’re rewarding even the smallest of steps right now – and off to Pe.tsmart we went. E and I walked back and forth along the wall of fish, taking in the magnitude of options. I asked E what color fish he wanted and, again with no hesitation, he requested “pink!” I was just starting to say I wasn’t sure they had any pink fish, and maybe we could get red instead, when lo and behold, a perfectly pink guppy swam past our noses. E deemed it to be love at first sight and a few minutes later, we were headed out the door with little pink Sandwich.

The kid has a thing for pink. Also on this week’s shopping list: A new toothbrush for E. He is now the proud owner of a sparkly pink, purple and turquoise toothbrush with a picture of Belle on the handle that he picked out all by himself. He is over the moon. M is kind of happy about it as well. I think it tickles her to think of how irate the Reli.gious R.ight would be if they knew how our little lesbian family was single-handedly dismantling Gender one toothbrush (and fish) at a time…

*We’ve been going to swimming lessons once a week for the past year. E has consistently loved it and been eager to attend. About a month ago, E decided he hates swimming and refuses to go in the pool. We have no idea what happened. I have been blaming it all on his current instructor who I find to be overly-touchy (even when he is clearly uncomfortable with it) and untrustworthy (using bait and switch to get the kids to go underwater after she tells them they don’t have to). That said, I don’t really know if she is all or even part of the problem. I talked to the supervisor last night and she said it isn’t uncommon for kids his age to go through periods where they don’t want to participate. We’re switching instructors again (I think… I hope…) in a few weeks and we’ll see if things improve. If not, maybe we’ll just take a break for a while. The swimming school he goes to is pretty pricey and there’s just no need to pay that much money to watch our kid ruin everyone else’s experience when we can fight with him at home for free. So anyway, this week he got a fish just for going in the water and putting his head under once. I’m hoping that by the time we run out of aquarium real estate, we won’t need the bribe anymore. I guess that gives us about 9 more weeks. Cross your fingers…

Beatle Breakdown

2011-08-08T12:48:00.000-05:00

I just heard back from Xy.tex. The Beatle still hasn’t come in for his blood work. Once he does, it will take three weeks to get the results back, at which point they will begin calling his pending list. We’re number 6, so… yeah. She didn’t say how many vials they have in quarantine but I’m guessing sixth place isn’t going to make the cut. Even if they had enough vials to get to us on the list (assuming several people ahead of us pass or only purchase a couple), we’re still probably out of the running based upon timing. He’d have to have a blood draw in the next 72 hours to have any chance of his samples reaching the clinic by their deadline.

I feel completely crushed under the weight of this news. I really thought I’d be okay with needing to use a different donor – not thrilled, of course – but not destroyed either. I was so wrong. It’s the powerlessness thing again. I GET that I am not in control of anything when it comes to conception, pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding... Really, I do. Is it so necessary to keep reminding me of it at every single goddamn turn?

I’m trying to keep perspective and remember that someday, this will all feel like exactly what needed to happen, but I’m also feeling pretty fucking angry at whatever powers don’t see fit to cut us a break on this one.

Beatle update, but first...

2011-08-05T11:52:00.004-05:00

Here’s the follow-up on Meno.pur: The nurse I talked to yesterday said she’d try to use her “limited knowledge” to answer my question and proceeded to recite the same explanation you already gave me (FSH/LH versus FSH alone, promotes better egg development, etc.). Then she gave me the most salient reason of all: All of the clinic’s standard protocols have been updated since my last IVF cycle to include Me.nopur. It’s just What They Do now. Apparently, the Me.nopur sales rep hit the jackpot with the director of my clinic, either through booze and bribes (always a cynic!) and/or incontrovertible scientific proof (always an optimist!). I explained that I was just hesitant to add anything to a cocktail that worked so well for us before and she said, “I understand but you know what? You’re going to do great. Try not to be nervous. I know you will be anyway, but try not to because you’re going to do really well.” She doesn’t know me at all (my regular nurse is out all week) and has nothing to base her reassurance on, but for whatever reason, it satisfied me. I’m taking a laid-back approach to this cycle (relatively speaking, of course) which leads me to…

We may have a Beatle problem.

We picked The Beatle back in February. We were told at the time that his inventory was low and if we did not buy before they ran out of vials it might be “a couple of months” before they’d have more available. We did not buy any. It felt premature, and we knew were weren’t going to be doing IVF again until at least July or August, so the 2 month wait wasn’t a big deal. Shortly thereafter, his vials sold out. Fast forward to May when our 3-month membership was about to expire. I went online to print off his profile and pictures and… Hmm. He was still out of stock. I emailed our Xy.tex rep who sent me all of his data via email. She also informed me that (1) The Beatle wasn’t scheduled for another blood test until July so his vials wouldn’t clear until “sometime in August”, and (2) since our communication in February, he resigned from their donor program, so (3) the vials they currently have in storage will make up his last release, and (4) we can be added to the waiting list to receive first (well, behind whoever else is on the list ahead of us) right of refusal to his vials once they are available.

I asked her to add our names to the list and went about my day with only the slightest itch of worry that his vials wouldn’t release in time. I’d projected my IVF dates based upon my last cycle and figured my transfer wouldn't be until late September, so as long as he released in August as she said he would, we’d be fine. Over the next couple of weeks, I got my clinic schedule and found they’d tightened up the timeline quite a bit. My retrieval would be scheduled 1-2 weeks earlier than I expected. I also started thinking about who else might be on the list ahead of us, what they were told about the donor’s future availability, and what resources they might have at their disposal to snatch up and store a few extra vials. It was easy to imagine a scenario in which the one or two people ahead of us on the list might buy up all of his vials before we even reached the front of the line, and we’d be back at the starting line with very little time to make our next choice. And that is when panic set in. We already lost KD, and now we might lose our diamond in the rough, too. Where in the world would we find another donor that would so closely fit our KD-shaped hole?

I sat with the worry for as long as I could stand it, and then I wrote an email to our Xy.tex rep asking if she could tell us how many people were ahead of us in line and how many vials they expected to release in August. That wouldn’t give me the answer I needed – are we going to get one or not – but it would let me adjust my expectations appropriately. If she told me they had forty vials ready to release and we were second on the list, I’d feel pretty good. If she said they had six vials to release and there were four people ahead of us, I’d start looking at other options. I challenged myself to sleep on the email before sending it, and the next day, I decided to hold off sending it as long as my obsessive demons will allow. I wrote the email on July 11 and haven’t sent it yet. *deep breath* What will be, will be. Being high strung about it won’t change anything except my anxiety level. I wouldn’t say we “chose” The Beatle anyway. We chose KD, and then forces beyond our control led us to where we are now. Maybe The Beatle was just a stop along the way. If the universe hasn't quite connected us to the child(ren) we’re meant to have yet, well I guess we still have a couple of twists and turns on this ride. Either way, I’m tired of driving. I’m ready to be a passenger for a while.

I explained the situation to the nurse and asked when the absolute latest, drop-dead date they needed the sperm in-house was. She said they prefer to have it there on CD1, or at least by the start of Lu.pron, but could probably stretch it to the day I start stims (September 2nd), given the circumstances. This gives us almost a month before we’ll have to activate a contingency plan, but I’m hoping, hoping, hoping they call me before then to tell me The Beatle is ours.

**Edited to add: Email has been sent; no more scary stories, please. The bottom fell out of my stomach when I read J and DZ's comment, and has yet to return. Way to ruin a girl's Zen, y'all. ;-) Just kidding, and as always, I am endlessly grateful for your input. Will update again when I know more.

start your engines

2011-08-04T14:48:00.002-05:00

CD1, baby.

July: Red

2011-08-02T15:42:00.000-05:00

IVF meds... Meno-wha?!

2011-08-01T15:44:00.004-05:00

A couple of weeks ago, we got a printout of the medication order for our latest round of IVF fun. I forgot how freaking long the med list is for a fresh cycle. We have two new additions to our list since last time: Birth control pills to be started on CD4, and Me.nopur to be used along with the Fol.listim. I’m not exactly sure why the Me.nopur was added when I did fine with the protocol I had last time (Fol.listim alone) and I plan to ask the nurse about that. It makes me nervous to rock a boat that sailed so well the first time out. I am supposed to call the clinic on CD1 which should be at the end of this week. Getting through their phone system is a nightmare so I figured I’d consolidate my calls and ask about the med change during the same conversation. In the meantime, I turn to you, oh knowledgeable Internets!

Why add Me.nopur to Fol.listim when there is no history of poor response? Is this just the med cocktail du jour? Have new findings come out about the efficacy of a Me.nopur-boosted cycle? I let my virtual RE degree lapse about three years ago, so I am not up on the latest in our field. Give me the scoop, friends.

I’d rather not add in the Me.nopur for several reasons:

As I mentioned before, why fix something that ain’t broke?
I’ve heard it burns going in. What’s not to love about that?
Another needle per day? I do okay with the shots, but come on!
We’re pretty well stocked up with Fol.listim at the moment, and I’d really like to use that before paying out of pocket for other meds we may not even need.

About that last point above… We were the lucky recipients of a large amount of unused Foll.istim, passed along to us by another blogger after her family found her through a different avenue. Based upon our dosing/response from our last IVF, it should be enough to get us through a full cycle without having to purchase anymore on our own. Have you ever received a gift that was so generous, so life-changing, so… huge… you didn’t even know how to respond? That is what happened to me when these meds showed up on our doorstep. Their generous gift saved us thousands of dollars in OOP medication costs. Thousands. That is hard to wrap your head around. I sent a thank you card, but really, what do you say to someone who does that for you? I guess you let the gushing overflow into your blog and hope they read it and can somehow feel how much you appreciate what they have done.

So on that note, it seems ungrateful and silly to raise an eyebrow at $750 worth of Me.nopur, and of course we will gladly pay it if the RE thinks it will make a difference, but… will it? What do you all think? What has your experience been like on Me.nopur, with or without Foll.istim? (And yes, I promise that I will ask my nurse about it and get Actual Medical Advice before leaping to any conclusions. I just trust you guys, and I’m curious to hear your thoughts.)

looking backward and forward

2011-07-29T16:53:00.002-05:00

This is my 400th post. Interestingly, this month also marks my fifth anniversary of blogging. My first post was on July 13, 2006. Five years. It’s amazing to think of all that has been captured here: Good moments like this one and this one and this one and this one, and bad like this one and this one and this one and this one. I feel as though I’ve made real friends along the way, and I’m so grateful to all of you who have held my hand, and allowed me to share in your lives as well. Since starting this blog, I have survived infertility, experienced pregnancy and childbirth, raised an infant into toddler-hood, grieved an early pregnancy loss, and found myself on IVF’s doorstep yet again. What a wild ride. There is a lot of growth catalogued in this blog. I know this because I can hardly stand to read anything I posted during the first year. I was so pathetically bright-eyed and sure of myself. I try to go easy on the girl who wrote those posts, but mostly I just want to grab her by the shoulders and give her a good shake. I guess that’s not all bad. It’s a sign I’m evolving, right? Anyway, 400 down, 400 to go? Hmm, we’ll see about that. But I’m glad to be here today, and while I can’t say I’m thrilled to be picking the IVF torch up again, I’m feeling very grateful to have this blog and this community to help me through it.

I have a bunch of posts in the queue. Specifically:

Screw you, IRS. And screw the anti-gay-marriage folks, too! (A Rant in Two Acts)
IVF Meds… Meno-wha?!
Screw you, health insurance. And screw the anti-gay-marriage folks, too!
Beatle update
The recurrence of my TTC-related shopping disorder
My impending move to Wor.dp.ress

I was also planning to write a vent about this blogger comment situation, along with a summary all of the comments I haven't been able to leave on your blogs over the past two weeks, but then I read this post by Jersey and it totally worked! So, I'm sharing here in hopes it can help some of you as well.

I’ll write more here soon, and hopefully more in your comment boxes now, too!

hello again, friends

2011-07-15T17:32:00.000-05:00

Well, this is an awkward post to write an intro for. Sorry I disappeared without a word of warning and stayed away for... Yikes, over three months? That was rude. All I can say is this break was hard - much harder than I expected - and I needed to turn inward for a while to make it though.

Even when we were in the darkest days of TTC #1, I still thought those struggling to conceive #2+ had it worse. Maybe “worse” is the wrong word, but I could appreciate that there were things about TTC that would be made harder if you already had a child. Based upon my experience over the last six months, I’d say I was right in ways I expected and ways that weren’t even on my radar.

The part I knew:

When we were TTC #1, I was acutely aware of how quickly life was moving for everyone around us, and I realized that perception would be all the more agonizing with a would-be sibling under your roof to act as the measuring stick. The difference between starting your family at age 26 or 29 or 32 isn’t insignificant, but I felt (and still feel) strongly that it doesn’t alter your life to the same magnitude as having children that are 2 years apart versus 5 or 8. The experience of infertility shaped who I am in monumental ways, but setting that aside, I don’t believe that having a baby two years later than I hoped to changed the experience of becoming a mother in any kind of a fundamental way. (Remember, infertility scars aside.) However, I DO think there are tangible, life-long differences for both parents and children in raising siblings that are close in age versus farther apart. I believe that siblings that are 2-3 years apart relate to each other differently than siblings that are 4-5+ years apart do – not inherently better or worse, just differently. And parents of children that are 2-3 years apart go through parenthood differently than those whose children are 4-5+ years apart. And if you want one for whatever reason, being forced into the other by circumstances beyond your control is lousy. For me, the last six months have been disappointing and disempowering in different and more lasting ways than my primary infertility was capable of. I watch E grow and change by the day, and every day I mourn the fact that I am currently powerless to stop this developmental divide from stretching its roots into the fabric of our family.

The part I didn’t know:

Now that I have a child, my social calendar is full to the brim of things like swim lessons and daycare picnics and birthday parties and playdates at the park. Guess who else frequents these places? Other people with kids. Fertile people. Fertile people with kids who, like mine, are at the prime age for bringing a new baby into the family. And they’re doing it in droves, let me assure you. I accompanied E’s class on a field trip to a concert at a park the other day and as I watched the other moms and toddlers congregate, I couldn’t help but notice that well over half of the women in attendance were sporting baby bumps. I tried to take some sort of odd comfort in the fact that not EVERY woman there was knocked up (sad state of affairs when that’s the best you can do) until I realized that, statistically, half of the non-bump ladies probably WERE pregnant too. They just didn’t have the bellies to show for it yet.

It’s happening on my blogroll, too. When we were TTC#1, I only read blogs of other people that were struggling like we were. I tucked myself into an insulated little corner of the internet where everyone was comparatively sucky at getting and/or staying pregnant. (Said with the utmost of love and solidarity, my dear sisters.) Then I got pregnant and had a baby and (very, very) slowly, I tiptoed out to read the blogs of other people who had babies the same age as mine. In the beginning, I’ll admit I kept a mental tab of who had trouble conceiving and who didn’t, and I kept the latter group at arm’s length. However, as my affection for their families deepened (and my own infertility scars continued to heal), I lost track of who was who and subsequently forgot the difference ever existed. Now E is at That Age where people start thinking about and conceiving and delivering siblings, and I forgot how quickly and easily fertile people can accomplish all that. Those fertile bloggers are my friends now, and I’m happy for them – genuinely – but reading their stories also stirs up all the old $#*%@ about how relatively broken I am. How unlucky. How cash-strapped and expense-heavy. How powerless. How behind the curve, again.

I needed a break. Refusing to take E out into the world wasn’t exactly an option, but the blogosphere was something I could limit my exposure to, and so I did, for my own sake. I know it was kind of a selfish move, but it was what I needed to do. I was having a really, really hard time. In many ways, I still am. But our IVF cycle is right around the corner and that helps. I’ve also had time to reflect and heal and make my own peace with how everything has played out.

I’ve come to the point where I feel really okay with it all, most days. I feel genuinely grateful to have this extra time alone with E before asking him to share us. At age 2 and some change, I find myself marveling equally over how big and independent he seems at times, and how much of a baby he still is at others. On the days when he seems younger, I’m glad we don’t have another baby to tend to so that we can give him 100% of our focus and nurturing. That said, I feel like the expiration date for this mindset is drawing near. Our current plan calls for a fresh IVF cycle that would result in an EDD a few months after E’s 3rd birthday. And that works for me. I feel really good about the idea of a 3 year gap, and not in "silver lining" kind of way - in a "I feel genuinely positive about the fact that we are giving Elliot three full years as the sole center of our universe" kind of way. Pushing it out any further than that though, for me, tips the scale to where the benefits of giving him our undivided love and attention start to be eclipsed by the consequences of having too large of a developmental gap between him and his sibling(s).

So what if the IVF doesn’t work? Well, the options are not pretty. We have a major move on our horizon that we have put off for years for various reasons – most of them infertility related – but we’re nearing the end of being able to extend that, too. We want to put down roots in a new community before E starts school, and we’re moving to a city we know very little about, so we need to build in a year or two to fine-tune our location after we parachute into the general area. But I’m going to stop all of this here because it is (a) hopefully moot and (b) definitely overwhelming.

I have my IVF schedule in-hand and my meds have been ordered. AF is expected around August 5th with a transfer in mid-September. Here we go again. *deep breath*

June: Black

2011-07-02T19:53:00.000-05:00

May: Yellow

2011-06-01T20:44:00.000-05:00

April: Pink

2011-05-02T10:55:00.001-05:00

P.S. We're still alive, just crazy busy. Proper update coming soon, universe willing.

That's gonna leave a mark.

2011-04-07T21:52:00.000-05:00

There are moments when I find myself really surprised (and consequently sad/confused/angry) that I'm not pregnant. I was, once upon a not-so-distant time, and would be still if things had gone differently. Mostly, I'm okay with the fact that I'm not. Regardless of how much I wanted one or both of those embryos to be our forever baby/ies, they just weren't. No use getting upset over that. It is what it is. There are some days I almost forget about what might have been. But then, there's this sting-y, ouch-y feeling that creeps up on me when I read a pregnancy reference in someone else's blog, and I can't help but recall whether they are a little ahead or a little behind of where we would be if we still... were. It also visits when my FET buddy posts a FB update about her pregnancy, as she did this morning to share that she'd entered the second trimester. Wow. Really? I'd forgotten how quickly it feels like everyone is speeding away from you when they are pregnant and you are not. Pregnancy time moves so much faster than ttc/waiting time. It's like running full-speed on a treadmill and going nowhere while the person next to you flies by on a moving walkway. If we're able to stick to the current timeline, I think we'll be testing for our IVF cycle right around my due-date-that-wasn't. The length of an entire pregnancy will have passed us by.

I made a ticker to keep me company while we wait to ttc again. Our wait is so long, I had to divide it into Part One and Part Two. I don't look at it every day. In fact, I try to avoid it for as long as I can so that when I DO look at it next there will be Big, Impressive Movement (with fireworks!) for me to feel giddy over as I pat myself on the back for being so distracted and unaffected by this silly waiting business. I was sure that when I looked at it yesterday, it would be nearly done. Surely it's almost time for Ticker Number Two! I've waited so long and been so disciplined! So very wrong. I'm just over 2/3 through the first ticker, which means barely 1/3 through the whole wait. Please excuse me while I deflate.

Speaking of disappointments... Remember this guy? We'd planned to buy a vial about a month ago upon learning his inventory was low and then just, I don't know, never pulled the trigger. The end of the break just feels so far away, it is hard to generate any sense of urgency. Shame on us for that because I logged onto the bank's website to check up on him and he is completely sold out. It's not a big deal. In the same email in which we learned his inventory was low, we were encouraged to buy quickly because it might be two! whole! months! before his next batch of samples cleared quarantine. That was 6 weeks ago, so I'm sure they'll pop up soon; long before we need them. That didn't stop my heart from skipping a beat when I saw the "no longer available" banner across his profile last night, though. It's just unsettling, and perhaps a little re-triggering (or restimulating, In Loco Parentis??) to be denied access to a donor we've pinned our hopes to. Reminder #637 that any sense of control we perceive is an illusion and can disappear at any time.

Geez, what a pitiful, mopey post. It's hardly befitting a woman who took her two-year-old for a walk around the neighborhood after dinner tonight; his first real walk sans stroller. Spring is in the air. The wait will end. The pinpricks really are few and far between, in the grand scheme of things. Our vacation was off-the-charts blissful. E is doing great in his new room at daycare, one heart-stopping incident notwithstanding. I swear he's grown up more in one week of observing the older kids than he did in the several months that preceded his switch. His language development alone is unbelievable. On our vacation, he was sitting at the kitchen table with my mom and he asked her to peel a clementine for him. When she complied, he said "Good job, Gramma. I'm so proud of you." Reminder #638 to stop my whining already and bask in the lottery winnings I've already collected.

(Belated) Brown

2011-04-05T14:57:00.000-05:00

We've been soaking up the sun on vacation for the past week, which is why I'm only getting my brown pics posted now.

I also have 350+ posts in my reader. Yowza. I'm working my way through it, but I'm probably going to be a lousy commenter for a minute or two while I catch up!

they say it's your birthday

2011-03-14T22:51:00.000-05:00

He is two years old today. Two whole years - incontrovertible and unimaginable at the same time.

We had a great weekend of celebration. Saturday was his party during which we unleashed 9 toddlers on a massive train table and delightful madness ensued. Sunday, he opened his presents and spent the rest of the day bouncing off the walls and taking great delight in all of his new treasures.

He continues to be obsessed with trains. He can identify at least a dozen Thomas engines in a flash and from the most random of angles. He corrects us when we misidentify the various types of freight cars. Sometimes when he is playing with his trains, he'll softly sigh "Oh, Thomas and Friends." We have no idea where he got this originally, but our reactions are surely reinforcing it at this point, which is fine with us because it's cute as can be.

He's learned to sequence activities for bargaining purposes. When we ask him to go to his room for a diaper change, he will look us squarely in the eye and say "And then, back to trains." Once we agree, he'll go peacefully to his room. If not, he'll issue a counter-offer and we'll go from there until we've reached an acceptable compromise. :-)

His temper seems a hair better (knock on wood), or perhaps our management skills are simply improving.

He has a remarkable handle on plurals, which kind of blows my mind.

We got a potty seat and he asks to sit on it from time to time. Please don't let this behavior be confused with anything resembling actual potty training. I'm pretty sure that's at least 8 years away. Ditto for a big boy bed.

Speaking of big boy beds, he's transitioning into the "younger preschool" room at school next week. This means no more bibs, no more sippy cups, less unstructured time, and naps on a cot. I'm kind of sick over the thought of it. I just keep reminding myself I had the same anxiety over him moving to the toddler room and that worked out fine, so surely this will too.

He is a superstar with his pleases and thank yous. We almost never have to remind him anymore, and when he chirps his sweet, heartfelt "thank you, mama" at the most unexpected of times, it just melts your heart.

He is fearless. Fearless. When we go to a playground, he heads straight for the highest, most dangerous piece of apparatus in sight. This is a poor complement to his pathologically nervous mother.

He does a mean "I'm a little teapot." 'Nuff said.

I'm forgetting things I'll want to remember later, but those are a few of the highlights for now. It is a privilege and a joy watching him develop; worth every painful acronym we went through to get him.

We are continuing to develop, too. I was looking through some of his teeny baby pics the other night and I came across a series of pictures we took of him when he was about three weeks old. We were trying some different cloth diapers on him to see if any of them fit (they didn't) and snapping pics of each one because they looked so ridiculously huge on him. He was screaming; not a rare occurrence in those days. At the time, we thought he was (understandably) impatient with our belabored exercise. In looking back at the pictures, I can see clearly that he was cold. On one hand... Gah! Dumb parents, freezing your child to death! On the other hand... Wow. We've come a long way, baby. I can see something in a still image now that I missed when it was live in front of my face two years ago. We were fumbling along, getting by fine I guess (if you don't count the baby-sicle), but now, we're parents. Real ones. With skills.

On this day of celebrating E's arrival into our world, I am grateful to M for sticking with me through ttc, pregnancy, labor, and all that has come since, and to E for coming into our lives and giving us "big hugs" (his term) and kisses and keeping us on our toes. He is teaching us and transforming us by the day. This day is really a celebration of our whole family, and I couldn't be more thankful to be a part of it.

briefly

2011-03-11T21:30:00.000-06:00

1. This past week ranks in my top 5 Worst Work Weeks Ever, and that's saying something as my job has been circling the drain for some time now. There were some other rough patches mixed in as well. Hard to say whether the chicken or the egg came first on that one.

2. Today, on the other hand, was wonderful. I took the day off to finish the preparations for my big boy's SECOND birthday party (good grief), to be held tomorrow afternoon. I ran around like a mad woman all day but it was sunny and beautiful and I crossed everything off my list.

3. I'm still working on that other post I advertised; the one where you are going to tell me whether we should move now or wait. I'm mostly sure the answer has already surfaced, but there are some lingering thoughts bouncing around.

4. I have another post brewing too; a "left behind" post. (See items 1 and 3.) Oh, and there will be three visibly pregnant women at E's b-day party tomorrow. The fourth one we thought might come isn't going to make it. Lord help me.

5. I'm wrestling with the same privacy concerns so many of you have already written about. Scary stuff going on out there. Not sure yet what direction I'll go in with it, but it's been heavy on my mind the last few days.

6. Today was my due date. Exactly two years ago, I was on my way home from a late dinner, wondering if the contractions I'd been having for the last week were ever going to turn into something worthwhile. Little did I know, I only had a few more hours to wait before things would start to get exciting.

Meet The Beatle! (a.k.a. we picked a donor)

2011-03-02T22:28:00.000-06:00

I think we're over the hump. I should say that I think "I" am over the hump as I'm not sure M ever really had a hump to get over. She has been so great over the past few weeks - giving me wide berth to sort through my smorgasbord of emotions but checking in frequently and letting me talk it out as much as I've needed to. I think it came organically to some extent because she doesn't have a lot of strong feelings about this stuff, and as I have nothing BUT strong feelings about it, it was easy for her to defer to me. Because of that, I can't say I know for sure how she felt deep down at each step along the way. I probed her constantly for her input, hoping she'd say something that would sway me one way or another, and occasionally she did, but for the most part, she would tell me she was leaning gently toward X or Y, but she would back whatever course of action gave me the most peace.

One night, we had a conversation in which I said I just still really, really, really wanted to use KD, but I knew that wasn't a good option for many reasons, so I was ready to start looking at donors in hopes we'd find one that I could get excited about. I thought it might be too much to ask to have The Great Unknown beat out KD in the battle for my heart, but if I could pin a face or a profile to it... Maybe that would be bridge I needed.

I am always fascinated by the various criteria people use to choose donors - what is important to one person versus another. Last time we went sperm shopping, we chose based upon the overall vibe we got from his responses to the open ended questions and his essay. I remember clearly that we chose the donor we'd most like to be friends with, with the hope that his constellation of personality traits would most closely resemble ours. This time around, my priorities were for someone with English heritage (M is 100% English) so the answer to the "what are we?" question would be the same for both (all?) of our children, and for the donor who looked most like KD so that our children would be most likely to resemble each other*. (I realize this sounds shallow, but it's part of how I've come to terms with this course of action. And hey, I must not be alone in this desire given the number of banks that offer face matching services!) Oh, and we also wanted the donor to be ID-Release to mitigate one of the concerns I blogged about before. In Loco Parentis had given me a tip that she and her partner found Xy.tex to provide more information than some of the other banks, so while we skimmed a couple other options, that was where we started our search in earnest. We figured we could always switch to another bank if none of the Xy.tex donors floated our collective boat. M and I perused the profiles that night I brought it up and pulled out half a dozen that we liked. She picked one as her favorite. I was still feeling too unsettled about the whole thing to care much for any of them myself.

A few days later, I got an email from Xy.tex offering a discount on the membership package we'd planned to purchase anyway. We figured we'd wait until closer to our actual cycle, but I never met a sale I didn't like, so we took the plunge. We purchased the membership at something like 10pm and M headed straight to bed while I stayed up for the next several hours reviewing the profiles of every Caucasian, ID-release donor who had an adult photo on their site. There was a clear winner, and I knew it as soon as his photo popped up on the page. His baby photo (in which he is not a baby so much as a kindergartener) could easily be Elliot's brother or cousin, and his adult photo looks very much like the pictures I have seen of KD 20 years ago. Both M and I (and KD) are very musical and this donor is playing the guitar in his adult picture. That, plus his full British heritage and the features to match make me think he looks just like a Beatle, hence the blog nickname which I plan to hold on to. :-)

Imagine my delight when I scrolled down to read his profile and - I kid you not - out of the 102 Caucasian, ID-release donors with adult photos on their site, he was the very donor M had already picked as her favorite from our review of the basic profiles several nights earlier. How's that for meant to be?

His inventory is pretty low right now so we're trying to decide if we're committed enough to purchase some now and store it at our RE's office until we're ready to use it. I think we are.

Tangent: I have this one lingering anon donor sperm question that I haven't resolved yet. For those of you who have used donor sperm, how open were/are you in comparing donor numbers with other families using the same bank? For those who are still in the planning stages, what are your thoughts on this? I think I'm a little gun-shy in this area after we panicked a friend by nearly using the same donor as she did, but is there something weird about conceiving half-siblings of people you know, in or out of the computer? Or is it fine, or even desirable, because hey, there are gonna be X number of half-sibs out there whether you like it or not - at least this way you can be connected to one or more of them. Alternatively, is it easiest to stick your head in the sand on the half-sib issue altogether and take a "don't ask, don't tell" approach to other donor sperm families? I have no strong leaning on it myself (yet - ha ha), but I'd love to hear what everyone else thinks.

So, that's the story of how two people fell in love... with a donor. My world sure is spinning fast these days.

*If I'm completely honest, I don't really know what M's priorities were this time, and I'm not sure she did either. The last time we talked about it, she admitted that she was feeling pulled in multiple directions about what was most important to her. It sort of became a moot discussion point once we started looking at profiles and flagging favorites, so I'm not sure what her final ranking of priorities would have looked like. I should ask her.

An Object in Motion

2011-02-28T23:23:00.004-06:00

I was going to pop in on Friday with a quick update, and then Saturday happened, and then Sunday happened, and then today happened, each with their own update-worthy events. The moral of the story is: Blog. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, because life moves fast.

Here are the first two posts in the queue:

Friday’s post: I feel like myself for the first time in weeks!

I didn’t notice it until the day was mostly over, but during the late afternoon on Friday, I realized that I felt better than I had in weeks. I spent the whole month of February feeling like a hollow shell of myself. I went through the motions of going to work and coming home but I was doing the bare minimum in both places and I couldn’t figure out how to pull myself out of it. I was making up errands to run at lunch to avoid talking to co-workers, dropping really important balls at work, falling back on uninspired, lazy dinners for Elliot and barely eating myself, and sleeping like crap. On Friday, I paused what I was doing for a minute and noticed I’d felt like Me all day. I’d accomplished things, I’d talked to people, I’d had moments of feeling like I was competent enough to hold my job… It was really nice. The contrast made me all the more aware of how dark and cold the previous weeks had been.

Saturday’s post: New camera!

M and I have tossed around the idea of upgrading to a DSLR for a while now, but the expense has always cut the conversation short. The idea is always there on the back burner but the time is never right to make the investment. We experienced a bit of a financial windfall last week. Well, it wasn't a windfall exactly... or at all. It was really more of a gentle breeze that swept away a few leaves so we could see the pathway underneath. Specifically, we did our taxes and found out that M is getting a hefty refund (All hail the Adoption Tax Credit!) and we applied for and received a credit card with a 0% intro APR and a exorbitant limit. [Side note: It's no wonder so many people are buried in debt in this country. There is NO explanation for why we should have been given this much credit except that the company is hoping we'll hang ourselves with it.] The purpose of applying for the credit card was to finance a major trip we're taking with M's family this summer and also for TTC expenses our HELOC can't soak up, so that funding stream is already spoken for. And of course, the tax return is promised to sperm, ultrasounds and Fol.listim (oh my!) before it is even received.

About that trip... It will be a great time, no doubt, but it's not "our" trip. M's brother has set the itinerary and we really can't afford to extend our time there to do our own thing on one end or the other. So, as glass-half-empty as this makes me sound, it's made saving for the trip feel like more of a burden than it would if we were splurging on a vacation of our own choosing, and the fact that it is falling during such an expensive year for us (again, not our choice) makes it even harder. The anticipated hemorrhaging of money has resulted in some major belt-tightening around here over the past several months. We aren't eating out except in a pinch, and then we're only using group.ons and gift cards. Since the holidays, we have refrained from shopping for anything but bare essentials. We've cancelled our cable and our gym membership. Our landline, net.flix and other monthly expenses we can live without are next on the chopping block. All this is just to say we've been making sacrifices and they are likely to linger long after the trip and the IVF cycle as we continue to pay them off.

Between the tax return, the 15 months of free financing at our disposal, and all of the cost-cutting we've done and will continue to do, I decided we each deserved one "treat" purchase on the new credit line. (I say "I decided" because as sensible and pragmatic as M is, she is ALWAYS down to splurge on toys and I am generally opposed to all such purchases - one of the many ways in which we balance each other out.) Once we'd decided to take the plunge at some point during the credit card promo period, it only made sense to buy the camera (and M's new iPh.one 4) as soon as possible. The sooner the purchases, the more time to enjoy them, to get value out of them... and to start paying the darn things off! The cards arrived Friday, we went shopping on Saturday, and the plastic has since been locked up in the safe where it can stay out of trouble until its designated purpose beckons!

It amuses me up a bit that I've had as much guilt over the purchase as I have. I mean, once you've stared down a $12,000+ IVF cycle, $700 for a camera really should seem like chump change. Still, the little voice inside my head is nagging me... "Gah! That could have been three days of Fol.listim! You are so irresponsible!" I just keep reminding myself that we work hard at our jobs and we NEVER spend money on things like this, and as splurges go, this one is a really good investment. I'm excited to see the value it will add to our family memories for years to come. And also, it made this months' photo project so much more fun!

OK, I'm packing it in for tonight. Coming soon to this space: Sunday's post: Meet The Beatle! (a.k.a. we picked a donor) and Monday's post: The appraisal for our refinance came in way higher than we expected! Should we move? Help!!

Oh and also, my blog has a new look. It's nothing fancy - no need to click over from your reader. I actually won a custom blog design back when I was hooked on giveaways so this was mainly housekeeping to prepare for that transition. I'm hoping to get the code for that soon. In the meantime, I'm just excited to have a blogroll that bears some resemblance to the blogs I actually read these days, rather than the terribly outdated one it replaced. It's the little things in life sometimes, isn't it? :-)

February: Gray

2011-02-28T09:00:00.000-06:00

Too many pictures this month so I did two. :-)

Check out some of the other contributors here.

WTF indeed

2011-02-18T12:06:00.001-06:00

First of all, thank you SO much for your kind comments on my last post. It's delicate subject matter and yet everyone was able to hold my hand across any differences of opinion or experience and I really appreciate that. Just one more example of how our community kicks @ss.

So... WTF appointment yesterday. No real surprises there, except that I couldn't stop crying during the meeting. I kind of thought my shit was more together than that. Pretty much everything is on the table. Her recommendation is to go straight to IVF with anonymous donor (AD) sperm but she will support us in any of three main options with a handful of variables:

Up to 4 IUIs using AD, with or without clomid and/or monitoring (estimated cost $850 each without monitoring or $1200 with, pregnancy rate 15%). She recommended an HSG first which I vetoed. Not going down that road ever again.
IVF with AD, with or without ICSI (estimated cost $12,500 without ICSI or $14,000 with, pregnancy rate 56%). This is where she would recommend we start. She initially said we don't need ICSI since we did it on half our embryos with KD and it made no difference, but when I reminded her we'd likely be using a different donor this time around, she conceded that we might want to consider it as an insurance policy because "weird things happen."
IVF with KD, MESA and ICSI (estimated cost $19,000, pregnancy rate 56%). While she agreed to help us if we go this route, it was clear she didn't think it was a good option due to cost, level of invasiveness, and logistics of KD being out of town. She estimated the cost of MESA to be around $5,000 but admitted that was only an educated guess as she is fairly removed from the financial aspects.

I have no idea what to do. My resolve to switch to AD took a serious blow while we were sitting across the table from the RE, preparing to make it all official. Any clarity I thought I had a couple of days ago seems to have evaporated into thin air. I just can't seem to reconcile my grief over the potential change to AD. Is my unease worth paying an extra $5,000 for? It shouldn't be - that I know - but what if I just can't get over this hurdle? Does the idea of spending nearly $20,000 on a high-pressure IVF cycle sound better? Not really. I just want to wake up and find out this is all a bad dream, but I know that isn't going to happen.

paradigm shift

2011-02-16T17:35:00.009-06:00

Disclaimer: I am petrified to hit publish on this post. I can't imagine a greater emotional landmine than how and why and with whom we build our families. I'm baring it all here, even the unflattering bits, as part of my own process of sorting through it all. If you feel the need to check me on something, please remember that I'm in a fairly raw space right now and be gentle if you can. And also, please believe me when I say that I genuinely value and respect all of you and just because I may feel on a gut level that one path is a better or worse fit for me and my own family, it doesn't mean I think I'm "right" or that anyone else should feel the same way. I LOVE the way the glbt and infertility communities I am a part of have quilted families together in the most diverse and wondrous and creative and resilient and loving of ways. Please don't revoke my membership card when you see where I am struggling. OK, enough fine print. On to the post...

***********************

If you'd told me a week ago I'd be writing this post today, you'd have been able to knock me over with a feather.

I think we might skip the appeal to KD and proceed with anonymous donor sperm. I'll pause while you pick yourself up off the floor. Oh wait, that was me that just fell out of my chair, not you.

Our WTF appointment with the RE isn't until tomorrow and we're not sure what she will present to us in the way of options, but here are the four courses of action as I see them now:

1. We cut our losses and embrace the idea of raising Elliot as a single child. We accept that while we will always be smaller in number than we hoped, we will have more available money, time, and other resources with which to enrich our lives in other ways.

2. We pursue fostering and/or adoption. While I think being a foster parent is possibly the highest calling that there is, I can say without a doubt that I'm not cut out for it. My parents fostered for a while after I left for college so I know whereof I speak. 99% of what I know of adoption I have learned from my blog friends and what I have taken from them is that the process is hard and expensive and risky and hard and long and hard. I exist in constant awe of adoptive parents and those waiting to be matched. I just don't know if I have the strength (or the finances) to do it myself.

3. We approach KD with our hearts on our sleeve, pleading with him to undergo MESA in service to our family. We commit to out-of-pocket IVF ($10000) plus meds ($3000) plus MESA ($3000) plus ICSI ($1250) and hold our breath through the highest stakes IVF cycle one can imagine. Hopefully we'd get snowbabies, but there are obviously no guarantees. Speaking of no guarantees, it's possible they wouldn't even get enough viable sperm from him to complete the cycle and since they prefer to do MESA at the same time as the egg retrieval, we could get all the way through stims and retrieval and then have no transfer to attend. There is always a chance an IVF cycle will fall apart at any stage, and this just adds one more major hurdle for the cycle to trip over. Yes, this risk can be mitigated by doing the MESA in advance and freezing, but then we are further compromising the quality of already iffy sperm. We have a lot of questions for the RE about all of this and it's very possible Dr. Google has steered us wrong in one or many ways. Lord knows we are not experts (or even amateurs) in the male factor arena.

4. We buy some sperm off the internet and continue TTC with that. My official infertility diagnosis is Unexplained, but everyone's "hunch" is that I had endometriosis. Since E was born, my periods have been dramatically lighter and less painful, which adds credence to this theory since pregnancy can reverse symptoms for a while. With that in mind, we could ask the RE (I can't believe I'm about to type this) if it would be a worthwhile exercise to go back to IUIs. Don't get me wrong - I would NEVER retrace the steps we went through to get to Elliot. I'm talking about 2-3 cycles, tops, just to rule out the possibility that it could be that simple. It would certainly be nice to pay $1000 for a BFP via IUI versus $15000 for the same outcome via IVF. This wouldn't be an option with KD because MESA requires the use of IVF with ICSI (again, per our internet research, which we would love for the RE to contradict us on).

Let me pause here for a moment to sound like a spoiled child and state that I want NO PART in ANY of these options. None of them. I am filled with a mountain of grief and a streak of rage that this is the crossroads we are at. I have spent the past couple of weeks mourning the fact that I have to walk down any of these paths, but walk down one (or more) I must because as you probably noted, doing nothing isn't actually doing nothing. There are many times in life that you can legitimately avoid a situation by remaining still. This is not one of those times. We have to do Something or Nothing and every single pathway has lifelong outcomes attached to it. And from where I sit today, I hate them all - giving up on a second child altogether, subjecting ourselves to the gauntlet of fostering or adoption, imposing upon KD and taking on $17000 in IVF debt when we still haven't finished paying off Elliot, and walking away from our chance of a bio-sibling for E. I'll pass, thanks. Here is what I want: I want to go back in time to before KD's vasectomy to bank a dozen vials of sperm so that we could proceed with the conception of a bio-sib for E in our own way, at our own pace, and with plenty of reserves to take the pressure off. But the door has closed to that possibility and I am left with four alternatives that pale in comparison to the option that was lost. My job now is to pick the one that makes me feel the least eviscerated, even if only by the narrowest of margins. I know I won't always feel this way and I'm slowly easing myself over the hump. Really, I am. I'm just not quite done being sad and angry about it yet.

Here comes the shift; the lemonade, if you will...

M and I had a good talk on Friday night in which I rattled off every stream-of-consciousness thought that had run through my head since we'd last discussed the situation several days earlier. It was a bunch of "And then I think.... but then I feel like... which leads me to.... but on the other hand..." The initial crack in my reasoning came when I said "I just don't want a future child of ours to approach KD in 20 years and ask why he was the donor for Elliot but not for him or her, and I can't imagine that KD wants that either," followed almost immediately by "well actually, that doesn't really hold water considering any future kid who would be in a position to ask him that wouldn't ever have existed if KD had continued to be our donor." Hmmm...

In the end of that conversation, the plan was that M and I would collaboratively draft an email to KD laying it all on the line - our myriad reasons for asking him for something that was very possibly unreasonable to ask for as well as the financial and logistical hurdles we were prepared to take on to make it happen - and if he said yes, we'd find the money (read: credit) somewhere because we agreed it was worth it to us. One of the (many, many) things I said that night was that the decision came down to what we wanted the story of our family to be. It was a quick comment and, if I'm honest, was used more in relation to what I did NOT want the story of our family to be, but it planted a seed that grew roots overnight and on Saturday afternoon, I told M I'd changed my leaning.

A big part of me honestly believes that everything happens for a reason. The rest of me believes that our psyches generate meaning for whatever happens to us. Either way, the end result is that everything ends up feeling As It Should Be, and I know that will be the case with whichever path we choose. This is cemented all the more by the fact that there will - hopefully - be a living, breathing child at the end of our road (yep, option 1 is sooo off the table, but I'm guessing you knew that already) and that child will provide the ultimate meaning and purpose for whatever path we choose. That particular end will justify any means. So knowing that, and having faith that whatever option we choose will feel right in the end, the questions become: What do we want our story to be? What do we think our story is meant to be? What decisions can we make now to ensure that our story is one of empowerment and choice and not just extra struggle?

Is it meant to be that we just have to cry more, work harder, and go deeper into debt to have the full bio-sib we we're meant to? Are we simply supposed to have to overcome more hardships to strengthen ourselves and/or our relationship, or to affirm that building our family the way we always envisioned it is worth any cost, no matter how outrageous? Can that really be the answer? Maybe, but it just doesn't seem right somehow. Alternatively, is there a completely different child out there waiting for us and KD's vasectomy is simply the signpost for the detour we need to take to find him or her? If that is the case, we can beat our heads against the signpost and maybe even get around it, but at what cost? If we can find faith enough to follow it, what great rewards await us then? Perhaps our story is that we had to let go of what we hoped our family would be to make room for something even better. Perhaps my story is of challenging my own misguided notions of Normal and Perfect to find the family that is actually perfect for me. Another thing my mom has always said about me is that since my personality first emerged, if I decided 5+5=10, then 5+5=10; not 4+6, not 7+3... 5+5, and only 5+5. It's not a good quality to have, and maybe the universe is pushing me to evolve past it.

One of the things I have struggled with a lot since learning of KD's vasectomy is the certain knowledge that I would not have agreed to use him as our KD had I known this would happen. We were clear with KD from the first conversations we had about him being our donor - we wanted at least two children and, barring some unforeseen tragedy that would leave he or I unable to reproduce, we wanted them to be full bio-siblings, so if there was any sliver of doubt in his mind that he wasn't in this for the long haul, we wanted to know up-front. The awareness that his vasectomy would have been a deal-breaker for me is a bone-chilling thought when I consider what would have been lost. We would never have had Elliot, and what an unthinkable tragedy that would have been. We'd have a different child that I'm sure we'd love just as much, but it would not be him and so yet again, I am reassured that everything happens for a reason. We needed to not know KD's vasectomy was in our future in order to have Elliot, and now, perhaps we need KD's vasectomy (and my chemical pregnancy) to have occurred to steer us in the direction of our next child.

I realize that my obsession with bio-sibs is uncomfortable for some of you to read and I want to clarify a few things about that:

(1) I don't think full bio-sibs have any inherent importance, but in our specific scenario, I do believe they could serve a unique purpose. We're in uncharted territory with the "special-uncle-slash-KD" situation we've embarked upon. I don't have any murky feelings about it myself and we have always planned to be open with Elliot about how and why we did what we did. I trust that in the long game, he will be able to see the beauty and love in his conception story and I hope he will always feel positively about it, but realistically, I'm sure there will be one or more times in his development where the weirdness factor will win out. In those times, I wanted to be able to give him the gift of at least one other person on Earth who is in his exact shoes, and he in turn would provide that for them. I wanted our children to know no matter how much confusion or anger they felt toward us or how isolated their unique origins might make them feel at times, there would be someone else in their family to lend just a little normalcy to their experience, and to make them feel less alone.

(2) I am not against anonymous donor sperm. When we switched to it for a couple cycles while TTC Elliot, it was a non-event for me emotionally. In fact, the prime emotion I recall was relief to be trying something different that might finally WORK, damn it. If one of those cycles had worked, then yes, my preference would be to use the same donor for future children, but I do not believe it would feel as critical to me as it does in this case. However, given where we stand today, I have this persistent discomfort with the thought that for one of our children, we can facilitate access to any shred of family history he may wish to inquire about, but for our other child, all we'll have is a detailed medical history, an interview transcript, and a baby picture. It's not the lack of history I can't get past. Again, we rolled the dice on that a couple of years ago and it was no big deal. What I'm hung up on is the injustice of being able to give something to one child that I can't give the other. Not insurmountable by any means, just something to come to terms with.

And finally, (3) I will fully admit that I love to notice how Elliot's jawline is identical to M's fathers, how E and M have the same hair color down to the last reddish-blonde highlight, and how I sometimes catch expressions fleeting across E's features that I have seen before on M's. And you know what? I am not going to apologize for that. I'm not saying it carries even an ounce of weight in defining our family and none of those things make M "more" E's mother than she would otherwise be, but it's fun. Who among us doesn't enjoy seeing resemblances of themselves or their loved ones in their children? Can't we all agree that in an ideal world, we'd love to conceive a child that was a direct biological descendant of both ours and our partners? This isn't a possibility for so many of us for so many different reasons, but is it really wrong of me to like the fact that M and I - through nothing but pure luck - were able to get pretty darn close the first time around? Yes, seeing those traces of M and her family in Elliot are meaningless in the grand scheme of things, but it's something I treasure and will miss when we do things differently the second time around.

Did you catch that? I said when. I'm waiting to talk to the RE tomorrow before officially moving all of my eggs to the other basket, but I think I have a good idea where we are headed. There is a very real possibility we'd be forced into anonymous donor sperm anyway if KD said no or our cycle with him was a bust. Rather that run that risk, I'm inclined to proactively heed the cues the universe is sending instead of waiting to be steamrolled by them. Yes, our options have already been restricted somewhat, but there is still power to be claimed at this point. If we decide now to skip straight to anonymous donor sperm, it will be our choice, and we will always know that, instead of feeling like it was something we were forced into when we literally had no other options left on the table.

This doesn't mean I don't have moments of looking at Elliot and realizing we'll never get to meet the reshuffling of his gene pool that feel like a white-hot poker right through my gut, but I know they are simply part of the process of getting to where we need to go. The bottom line seems to be this: When we look back at the decisions we made at this all-important juncture, do we want to say that our family was built on a foundation of genes and money or flexibility and love? Put that way, I don't even feel the need to dignify the question with an answer.

the weight is unbearable today

2011-02-15T17:24:00.000-06:00

My FET buddy had her ultrasound today; the day I would have had mine if the pregnancy had stuck. She is pregnant with twins. She has two perfect, healthy babies growing inside of her and I have none. I truly thought I was prepared for this but I wasn't. I feel like I can't breathe. If I am this torn apart now, how will I survive when those babies are born?

I had a great post planned for yesterday - a shiny, happy, "making lemonade" post. But I never got around to writing it and I really wish I had because it would be such a welcome oasis in this wasteland of a blog. Maybe I will get to it tonight but probably not. At this point, it's probably best put off for a different day anyway.

better today...

2011-02-10T17:01:00.000-06:00

... for many reasons, I suspect. Here are a few:

I'm spotting. AF is the last thing I need to physically close the door on this experience and she appears to be scratching at the door.
Getting all of that stuff I have been blogging about lately (especially yesterday) OUT into the open took a big weight off my shoulders.
Lots of pep talks to myself about perspective and, sadly, lots of suffering in the world around me to remind me how relatively lucky I am.
All the supportive comments that have been left on this blog in the last week and a half. I know this blog has been a complete drag to read and it's tough to keep commenting when there's nothing good to say anyway, but your patience and virtual hand-holding (even as I've been totally MIA on your blogs) has really meant a lot to me.
Putting down the smart phone. I know this sounds like a weird one, but I have intentionally "unplugged" from my iPh.one this week and I actually think it has made a difference. It's something I've been wanting to test out for a while and was forced into it this week by a desperate need to turn down the noise in my head. More on this soon, in a totally non-chemical-pregnancy-related post. (Yes, I do intend to talk about something else one day. I promise.)
M and I joined forces last night to solve an external problem totally unrelated to TTC. While we are certainly not opponents in this latest round of TTC drama, we're not exactly on the same page with it either and that has been a challenge for me to navigate. It was refreshing to unite against a shared "enemy" and remember what it feels like to be unequivocally on the same team.
A little bit of plain ol' time.
There is actual, non-metaphorical sunlight breaking through the clouds today. I am reminded that time will continue to pass, that spring will eventually come, and with it, new chapters of our story will present themselves.

reminders

2011-02-09T15:56:00.005-06:00

I feel myself slipping into the quicksand. I do this. My mom said that even as a tiny child, I was like a dog with a bone once I got something in my head. I'd like to put the worry to rest, I just... can't.

Newest development as of Monday night: There are no remaining vials of KD's sperm on this planet. But we knew that already, right? Yes and no. Yes, we received this news over the summer and I grieved it mightily at that time. But then a few weeks ago, I read this sentence on KD's post about his vasectomy (on his blog I'd forgotten existed): WifesName and I aren't going to be having any children, but should it be necessary, there is some genetic material stored for those who may need or want it. I'm sorry... what? That's us, right?! It was like a ray of light, albeit a filtered one. On one hand, it couldn't possibly be referring to what I hoped because surely he'd have told us about it and sent us a bill for storage but on the flip side, he has generously absorbed minor expenses before and what else could it possibly mean? The FET was just around the corner so I tried to strike a balance of holding onto this possibility (so as not to implode from the pressure of our "last chance" FET cycle) but not putting any weight into it until we knew what it actually meant. M asked him point-blank on Monday whether he banked anything prior to his procedure and the answer is no, there is nothing saved. I'm crushed. Again. Looks like I didn't do as good a job of suspending my hope as I thought I did.

My next task was to start researching MESA, TESE, and all of those other male factor treatments every lesbian couple should have a foolproof exemption from. The RE said we'd talk about these at our WTF appointment on 2/17, but that is practically a lifetime away. It's a minor procedure - no more invasive than the vasectomy he's already had - but I can't imagine he'll agree to do it for us. That statement is partially genuine (I am truly afraid this will be where he draws the line) and partially just me trying to prepare myself for the worst. History shows me this preparation is useless. I'll still be destroyed if he says no, so why am I bothering to worry about it now? And that is what I came here to write about before I was hit by a case of verbal (er, digital) diarrhea.

It's time to put down the worry. There will be plenty of time to worry and grieve if what I fear actually comes to pass. I have collected a handful of quotes over the years that challenge this charming personality trait of mine, and I'm feeling the need to have them all in one place so I can read them 10 or 20 or 1000 times a day while I wait for the next chapter to unfold. So without further ado...

We are more disturbed by a calamity which threatens us than by one which has befallen us. ~John Lancaster Spalding

---

Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind. If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained. ~Arthur Somers Roche

---

We can easily manage if we will only take, each day, the burden appointed to it. But the load will be too heavy for us if we carry yesterday's burden over again today, and then add the burden of the morrow before we are required to bear it. ~John Newton

---

That the birds of worry and care fly over you head, this you cannot change, but that they build nests in your hair, this you can prevent. ~Chinese Proverb

---

The bridges that you cross before you come to them are over rivers that aren't there. ~Gene Brown

---

Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow; it empties today of its strength. ~Corrie Ten Boom

navigating the highs and lows

2011-02-07T12:23:00.000-06:00

I had a pretty good weekend, considering.

Last week, I had a track playing in my head that just kept repeating "I hate my life" over and over again. I hate that M and I have to involve anyone else in our family building in the first place. I hate that even after we prostrate ourselves, it still isn't easy. I hate that we have so little say in when and how our family will grow. I hate that we have to weigh the value of another child against the significant, real, and enduring financial consequences to our family that continued OOP treatments will bring about. What a gut-wrenching equation. Most of all, I hate that we have to do all of these things when others do not. These things are not the prerequisites to child-rearing for most people. I hate that they are for us.

This weekend, I was able to coax myself into some perspective. I don't hate my life; I hate this part of my life. This part of my life is all-consuming right now, but it won't always be. There are many things about my life that are wonderful and should not be short-changed:

I have an uncomplicated, supportive relationship with a wonderful partner. During our ten years together, we have honed our ability to cut through the static and care for each other, even in the hardest of times.
We have a healthy, smart, and funny little boy that is generous with his hugs and kisses. The fact that he made it into this world seems more of a miracle to me now than ever.
We have good jobs and a comfortable home.
We have the unconditional love and support of both of our extended families.
We have the resources to try again. I'm not sure yet where they will come from. I do know there will be pain and sacrifice involved. But we'll make it happen somehow.

There are even silver linings to the loss of this pregnancy to be grateful for:

I'm fulfilling maid of honor duties for an out-of-town friend in April. It will be much easier to enjoy all of the travel and pre-wedding festivities (not to mention the bar at the reception) without any first trimester ick to contend with.
We just booked a trip to England in June. Part of the trip includes four days on a canal boat with KD and his wife and they... how shall I put this... let's just say there will be at least as much pub-crawling as canal-boating going on. I was fully prepared to be the sober chaperone, and also to manage the international flight with a toddler and a 20-week belly, but the trip will certainly be easier and more enjoyable without these considerations.
I'm not in great shape right now. I'd be better off to start a pregnancy 10-15 lbs. lighter than I am and now it looks like I will have time to make that happen.

When we were TTC Elliot, I had a mantra that helped me get through the BFNs. I wrote about it here. The gist is that our child will be one in a billion, conceived at a precise moment in time, and to wish for that time to be earlier than it is meant to is to wish for a different child than the one we are going to have. So it is okay to wish that OUR child could be conceived earlier rather than later, but it has to stop there. Once the BFN comes, there is no point longing for the pregnancies or the babies that weren't to be, because they were never meant to be ours, and they had to be lost to keep our arms and hearts open for the child that is still waiting for us. (I should note that this is how I personally choose to think about this, because it helps me, but it doesn't mean I think anyone else should subscribe to the same philosophy.) Anyway, I tried to focus on that a lot this weekend too, and it took some of the sting away. Well, I think it did.

The problem with all of this is that today is another bad day, and I've lost sight of the sunshine I found this weekend. I thought I would be grateful for today's test as a step toward closure, but I had the same sick feeling walking into the RE's office today as I did on Thursday. This time, however, I got lost in the shuffle at the front desk and had to sit in the waiting room for 30 minutes prior to my test. While I was sitting there, I realized how different and scary that office seems now. We didn't move to the RE until IVF, so to me, that office has always been magical. After nearly two years of BFNs, we walked through their doors and left with a baby. Our experience with them has been strictly that you go to them when you need a miracle and, lo and behold, they achieve the unachievable. This failed FET has reminded me of the darker side of RE's offices; the side I was mercifully spared the first time around. Now they have dealt me heartbreak, too. My 30 minute wait also gave me the time to survey my routing slip, complete with the "reason" for today's visit: rpt qbhcg not a gd# Translation: Repeat quantitative beta hcg, not a good number. Ouch. By the time I finally got back for my blood draw, I was hanging on by a thread. The nurse spotted this instantly and asked if I was okay. That was apparently enough to open up the flood gates. Teary meltdown in public = everyone's favorite way to start the day.

The nurse called while I was writing this post. Beta is down to "less than five." This is mostly good news, given the circumstances, but sad news as well. Nothing left to do now but stop my meds and wait to bleed.

*deep breath*

Today is a bad day. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow, the sun will come out again and I will remember the things I knew over the weekend: I am a lucky woman with so much to be grateful for. Someday, this will all be worth it.

"You are pregnant, but..."

2011-02-04T11:00:00.002-06:00

That's how the conversation started when the nurse called with my beta results yesterday. She went on to say my number was 5 which is "very low" and the doctor wanted to caution me against getting my hopes up. No hope - check.

Apparently, 5 is the precise lowest number you can have and still be required to come in for a repeat beta. Lucky me! I should buy a lottery ticket. Ha. Next blood draw will be Monday.

In related news, I'm still in the grief bubble. It's wreaking havoc on our home life and I've got to shake it off. Poor M has been taking up a lot of slack this week, all the while coping with her own disappointment, and poor E is channeling all of my bad vibes and turning into a bonafide MONSTER - epic temper tantrums over nothing that last an hour or longer - and neither M or I are able to cope well given our already frayed nerves.

I had a local cycle buddy who had her FET 20 minutes before mine with the same doctor at the same clinic. She transferred three embryos and her beta was 1004 yesterday. I'm confused about what "day" our embryos were so yesterday was either 18 or 19dpo. Her 19dpo beta with her first pregnancy was 147. She's probably having twins, at least, and I'm having nothing. Genuinely over the moon for her. Genuinely devastated for me.

confirmation

2011-02-02T08:50:00.000-06:00

Digital BFN this morning. I knew it was coming and I still feel like all of the oxygen has gone out of our house.

I don't know where to put the pain. Normally, I could crawl under the covers for a couple of days until the worst of it passed, but Elliot and I are home on Snow Day #2 and he doesn't accept less than 100% of me, nor would it be fair to ask him to. There are many things that are easier about TTC #2. This is not one of them.

January: Blue

2011-02-01T22:08:00.002-06:00

A day late and a bunch of photo talent short, but here is my submission for An Offering of Love's photo project. The theme for January was blue, which kind of works for me right now. I'm not thrilled by how this month's collection turned out, but it was kind of a tunnel-vision month for me without a lot of photo-worthy activity. Oh well, I have eleven more months to redeem myself.

Where am I?

2011-02-01T21:56:00.000-06:00

Oh lord, I don't know. I'm sad. Really, really sad. I sort of can't believe this is happening. I hate the way that sounds because I know so many of you have walked this path before me and it's not that I think I'm somehow different than you or immune to the blows you have fallen to but... actually, I guess I kind of did in a subconscious way. I thought my problem was Getting Pregnant, not Staying Pregnant. Once I had a couple of positive pregnancy tests under my belt, I considered the hard part to be behind me. Silly me, I should have realized that being 1 for 1 is just as likely dumb luck as anything else. I hope that this pregnancy was the exception to my body's rule and not Elliot's successful gestation, but I guess only time will tell.

I try not to engage in the Pain Olympics, but it's hard not to feel like a bit of a loser for being so leveled by this disappointment when many of you have stood gracefully on the other side of much worse. Good grief, I was pregnant for like five minutes. I've spent a lot of time today focusing on all I have to be grateful for. I am a very lucky woman. I just don't think I realized how much I wanted this pregnancy until I had it. Going into the FET, I thought we'd roll the dice and if it was negative, we'd break for a while to focus on some other stuff we have coming up and plan our next steps. When I got my BFP and started thinking about a 2011 baby (!!) and a two-and-a-half year age difference between our children, I kind of fell in love with it all. And then it was gone. And now I'm desperate - desperate - to try again, as much as the idea of another full IVF cycle makes me want to vomit.

M and I talked about money last night and came up with some options. I can't believe we're even considering another fresh cycle, but I don't know how to not consider it either. I think we may ask KD about TESE. He may say no, but I need to have asked. I am so head over heels for Elliot and as crazy as he makes me sometimes (ahem, today), I want another child with his exact hard-wiring. I know there's no way to parse out what is nature and what is nurture, and I also know enough about genetics to know that repeating the same equation does not produce the same outcome, but I want to at least roll the same dice if we can, you know? And if that isn't an option, we'll cross that bridge and it will be okay, but I'm not going there just yet.

In the meantime, I'm still having all kinds of symptoms and they're really pissing me off. I have always been really sensitive to biochemical changes - I react strongly to low doses of medications, etc. - and I guess this chemical pregnancy is pumping out just enough hormone to mess with me. I still have the full, twinge-y uterus feeling, the intermittent, mild queasiness, and the fatigue. This afternoon, I got terrible heartburn for the first time since I was pregnant with Elliot. All of these things combined with the fact that I didn't test this morning (so no fresh BFN to keep me grounded in reality) are messing with my head and causing me to fantasize about this all being a terrible misunderstanding. Faulty tests! Yeah, that's it! I'll go to my beta (rescheduled for Thursday, btw) and I'll die of shock when they call to congratulate me on my great number! Even as I type this, I know it's not true. I just need to get through these next couple of days and get some closure so I can stop torturing myself.

Thanks so much for all of your support and virtual hugs after my last post. I've read your comments over and over. The first few times through, they just made me cry, which is probably what I needed. After that, they reminded me of how lucky I am to have you all to lean on. I really don't know how people survive this stuff without a circle of friends to prop them up during hard times.

too good to be true

2011-01-31T08:42:00.000-06:00

After that beautiful digital test on Saturday morning, I switched back to the two line variety to reassure myself until my beta on Wednesday... and this is how I watched my pregnancy slip right through my fingers. It looks like a chemical this time around. I couldn't detect a second line at all this morning, so my only hope is that my beta is low enough on Wednesday that I don't have to come back again a week later.

I still have symptoms - now all progesterone and/or mentally induced, it seems. The strongest of the pack is the cramping which I guess is my body trying to expel the non-viable Little Engine but the progesterone is keeping it in, and the thought of that battle going on makes me sick to my stomach.

I'm shocked by how quickly I pinned hopes to that embryo, and how painful this is as a result. A chemical pregnancy is a new one for me. In all of our cycles of trying, we never had a BFP until the one that stuck. Until now, my body had never failed to hold on to a pregnancy. Now I have a new inadequacy to add to my collection.

Sadly, the only thing I can think to do to stop the hurting is to try again - now, today - and we can't. We have no more snowbabies. I used to think having to go through another fresh IVF cycle would be terrible, but now I'd start shooting up stims today if they'd let me. But it's not an option for so many reasons. We now have big decisions to make about sperm, and that's not a process I want to rush. Even if there was an easy answer there, we have no infertility coverage and we can't afford another fresh cycle right now. All there is to do now is to sit with the grief, and wait and hope for beta results that give us clear and swift resolution.

morning sighting

2011-01-29T08:36:00.001-06:00

Feeling a bit like the luckiest woman alive right now...

So, so thankful and not taking a moment of it for granted. Looks like we have a Little Engine That Could in there.

We have out-of-town family staying with us so I will have to fill in the details in a later post, but I didn't want to leave you in suspense any longer. Thank you so much for all of the love and support sent our way over the past week.

Holy crap, we're pregnant!

Ihatethewait.

2011-01-25T10:55:00.001-06:00

"Symptoms" from yesterday seem to be waning. Possibly being replaced by the slightest bit of breast tenderness? Or maybe I've just poked them a few too many times. I embarrass myself, truly.

Ihatethewait. Ihatethewait. Ihatethewait.

Edited to add: Cramps are back, albeit a milder and less consistent variety, more like twinges here and there versus full-on cramping. Breast tenderness seems to be increasing. Just wouldn't want you to miss out on any of the roller coaster ride...

thank you

2011-01-24T17:06:00.000-06:00

Thanks for the pep talk, everyone. Your success stories and words of encouragement really lifted me out of my funk over the weekend. Today I'm feeling hopeful and anxious to test.

M left town today and won't be back until late Wednesday night. This means I'm on my own for my next three PIO shots. I did one over the weekend to make sure I could do it and it was fine. You know, as fine as jabbing a 1.5 inch needle into your own hip can be. Elliot is NOT going to be happy with me providing a minimum of lifting, but we'll have lots of on-the-floor cuddles, I guess.

My body is working on overdrive to crank out the imaginary symptoms. My uterus has a full, crampy feeling with occassional sharper twinges, I'm having a light fertile-ish discharge (just started today), and waves of mild nausea, headache and light-headedness, although I'm pretty sure the last three are real and caused by a combination of progesterone and nerves. I'm impressed that my subconscious still remembers the ol' routine after two and a half years off. But c'mon, it's a little heavy-handed for the equivalent of 8dpo, don't you think?

and now we wait

2011-01-21T16:16:00.000-06:00

I know I said I planned to go this one alone, but as it turns out, I need your help.

Transfer was this morning. We thawed all five embryos at the embryologist's insistence with the intent to transfer the best two and refreeze any extras that survived. We did end up with two to transfer, but they were not in good company; none of the other three were viable. One had no visible cells post-thaw, another looked good but had arrested, and the third was growing but had over 30% fragmentation. The two we transferred were described as just "...fine" and that is by our RE who is nothing if not bubbly and optimistic. Both were hatched, but one had "some" fragmentation, and the whole discussion felt so-so at best.

There is one bit of "news" I've withheld from you and that is because it was simply too scary for me to acknowledge or put words to. A few months ago, we learned KD had a vasectomy. So, these three lost snowbabies and the two inside were and are our last chances for a full bio-sibling for E. No pressure.

I have been really optimistic about our chances of success on this FET. Probably more optimistic than the situation warranted, truth be told. When I saw the two flashes of light on the ultrasound screen, I started crying. I couldn't articulate why any more than I could make it stop. The last time I remember that happening to me was when I saw my grandmother for the last time before she died. I was only in town for a couple of days and we had somewhere else to be so my parents were trying to hurry the visit along. I demanded to stay longer and when I finally left, I had the same uncontrollable and unexplainable tears. She passed away a few months later but that was the last time I saw her and I've always wondered if my heart knew something that day that my mind didn't. I had a similar sensation while looking at those flashes of light today and as crazy as it sounds, I find myself wondering if it's because it was the last time I'd get to see those two little stars.

There's nothing to do but wait now and I truly believe that it helps to feel optimistic, but I'm struggling to find any hope to hold onto. After the transfer that brought us Elliot, I felt on top of the world and I just knew that things were going to turn around for us. Today, I feel heavy with worry and grief. Please, if you have any FET or poor-quality embryo success stories to share, I would really, really like to hear them. Beta is scheduled for 2/2 but I will probably test in a week. Any good thoughts you can spare would be appreciated more than you know.

the power of the pregnancy announcement

2011-01-18T22:42:00.000-06:00

Is anyone working on harnessing this yet? Because seriously, we could power small cities on it. I've had two (outside the computer) in the last week and I'm consistently awed (in a bad way) by how much they impact me. Still. I'm surprised and, frankly, annoyed that spending two and a half years on this side of my own BFP doesn't provide me with more insulation.

One is due in late August - three days before my potential EDD for the FET that wasn't. We work together so I will have a front row seat to her pregnancy for the next 8 months. I have blogged about her before (during her first pregnancy, which ended just over a year ago) and how hurt I have been by her insensitivity over and over and over again. She's not mean-spirited at all, but she (1) likes to talk and (2) has NO awareness or consideration for what other people might be going through around her, and this turns her into a wrecking ball. She knows everything about our struggles to build our family. I have told her more than most people in a (losing) battle to open her eyes a bit, but that doesn't stop her from bemoaning the hassle of switching to her new last name (granted routinely by virtue of her heterosexual marriage) or telling a fellow co-worker to stop drinking the office water unless she wants to get pregnant because "everyone gets pregnant SOOO easily around here!"

The other is M's co-worker. We went to her wedding 3 months ago. She and her husband planned to "start trying" this year. It would appear they didn't even make it to the starting line. It's not like I see her often or will even get regular pregnancy updates, but it was a punch to the gut to have one more person we know get pregnant so easily. One more person that could have been me but wasn't. One more person to edge us further out on the bell curve and make all we went through seem even less reasonable.

I'm hyper-sensitive right now. I know this. I wish simply acknowledging that would be enough to take some of the weight away. It seems that is not the case.

Did y'all hear?

2011-01-03T21:57:00.000-06:00

Cotton Babies is discontinuing their small, medium and large all-in-ones (AIOs). Sad!!!

The good news is that they are selling off their remaining inventory at a huge discount - $9.95 each (down from $15.95) with free shipping.

http://www.cottonbabies.com/product_info.php?cPath=98&products_id=1811

If you have ever thought about trying out cloth diapers, go for it. Now. Today. Seriously, these diapers couldn't be easier. You don't have to deal with sorting or stuffing inserts, snapping down shells, or any of the other parts of CDing that can be intimidating at first. These and the bumGenius bamboo fitteds were all we used for the first 6-8 months of Elliot's life while we were finding our sea legs with cloth diapering. They also provide a great alternative to the bulk of one-size dipes on tiny baby bums. The AIOs are still #1 on our list for daycare or inexperienced family/friends because they go on just like a disposable. If you have been on the fence, these are the perfect "gateway drug" diapers at an unbeatable price. So what are you waiting for? Try them! I may not be able to resist buying more myself - don't tell M. I just can't believe they won't be available anymore.

I promise I have no affiliation with Cotton Babies and I will not profit from this post in any way. This is just a really great deal on a really great product and it would rock if some of you could take advantage of it. Send me an email if you have questions or want to hear more of the many ways I love them. Better yet, leave a comment and the other CD mamas who read can help me out. :-)

something new for 2011

2011-01-02T22:45:00.000-06:00

I've never done one of those year end wrap-up posts, but I always enjoy reading others', and I imagine they're fun to look back on yourself months or years into the future, so here goes nothin'...

January: We enjoyed a couple of snow days, and took our first purely independent trip as a family of three. Elliot had traveled a LOT before then - six (long) RT flights and a multi-state road trip - but they were all trips to visit family or attend out-of-town weddings. This was just M and I picking a spot on a map, buying plane tickets and a hotel room, and following nobody's schedule but our own. It was lovely.

February: We had an unusually quiet month with lots of time around the house. The high point was a long visit from C&T, two of our best friends that live way too far away.

March: We celebrated E's first trip around the sun by getting his first haircut and having a low-key day at home - with a cupcake, of course. The following weekend, we hopped on an airplane and had a big birthday bash with both of our families and a handful of friends.

April: This was the month that K launched a major "extra-curricular" project - her first since E came along - and M passed a big scary test for work. We also dyed eggs (you all saw how that went already, but here's another shot) and got a visit from the Easter Bunny who brought E the coolest chair. He's seriously used it every day since - smart Bunny (a.k.a. M).

May: This month saw our second-parent adoption, the procedure by which M was finally granted equal rights to reflect her equal status as E's parent. It was a frustrating hoop to have to jump through, but a moving and affirming day nonetheless. It was also a big family month as we had Gramma, Papa and Granny all here for visits. We spent lots of time outdoors, soaking up the wonderful weather before the summer heat set in.

June: This was the month K's project kicked into high-gear, leaving little time for much else. We spent a very long, very hot weekend at Pride, Elliot had his first nasty cold - poor baby, and we saw the RE to start the ball rolling for TTC #2.

July: Another month of K being crazy-busy and M taking up the slack, but hey, at least there were fireworks.

August: We had another family-heavy month. M and E took their first solo trip together - a flight to visit Granny and Grandpa. By all accounts (and pictures), a good time was had by all. When they got back, Gramma and Papa were here waiting to continue the spoilage. Between trips, visitors, and the culmination of K's project, we managed to squeeze in a trip to the blackberry patch.

September: K started off the month by flying with Elliot to visit Gramma and Papa. Lucky us, they live on a lake and it was the perfect farewell to summer. After that, we just seemed to bounce from one busy weekend to the next - 2 weekends in a row of events for M followed by 2 weekends in a row of events with E's school. Oh yeah, and we realized we had an 18 month old. What the... ?!

October: Busy, busy, busy. Granny came for a visit, M and K both had business trips (at different times, thankfully), E started swim lessons, we had half a dozen social engagements and playdates, we converted our basement into a tricked out "man cave" for E (a.k.a. a playroom), we picked apples and carved pumpkins, and of course, dressed our child up as a woodland-creature-slash-lawn-ornament. E also began his battle with the plague, but more on that in a moment...

November: This month started off with a bang, and by bang, I mean first scary-high fever and corresponding trip to the ER. Poor E was so sick. M and I traded off spending days at home with him until we'd both exhausted our sick leave accounts and put off work tasks as long as possible, and then Granny came out to give us some much needed relief. A couple of weeks later, Gramma and Papa arrived for a long Thanksgiving visit. While they were here, Papa built their Christmas gift to Elliot - a train table for his playroom. (Have I mentioned how completely obsessed with trains he is? It's unbelievable.) When he saw it for the first time, he just ran around it in circles hyperventilating. He loves loves loves it. Just before Gramma and Papa left, E came down with his first ever stomach flu. We're ALL hoping it's the last one he has for a loooong time.

December: Holiday gatherings galore. Cookies and candies made by the gross. Travel to Granny and Grandad's for Christmas. It was Elliot's eleventh RT flight but the first where I had serious doubts we'd all get off alive. The perfect storm of an overtired nearly 2-year-old, who has really become too big and active to be a lap child, on a long, full, late, day-after-Christmas flight made our return trip something out of a horror movie. We've officially sworn off flying until the international trip we have locked in for this summer - lord help us all. But, I really shouldn't let the last 6 hours eclipse the first 6 days. The visit was wonderful - lots of sunshine and good times with family and friends. We took E to an aquarium that rocked his world, he rode a horse for the first time (Granny's horse, with M who is a very skilled rider), and he understood and loved every moment of the Christmas festivities. We said farewell to 2010 over champagne with good friends and brought E home to his own bed, which he stayed in until 9am the following morning. I can't imagine a greater gift. :-)

I hope that 2011 is off to a good start for all of you and your families, and that the remaining 363 days are filled with peace and happiness. Cheers!

ornamental lovin'

2010-12-20T12:27:00.000-06:00

Here is the ornament we received in the swap. Cute, huh?!

It doesn't actually have a smudge on it. I just covered up our last name* for public sharing. Actually, the painting is exquisite. I consider myself an artsy kind of gal but there's no way I could have painted such intricate little details as this ornament has. Big thanks to this lovely family for sharing their talents!

*It's not our real last name. It's the jumble of M's and my last names that we made-up and use "internally" to refer to ourselves. I totally love that it made it's way onto our tree this year. :-)

thank you and an update

2010-12-16T16:30:00.000-06:00

Thanks so much for your sympathy (and profanity) about the postponed FET. It was just exactly what I needed. Here’s the rest of the story:

I called the clinic on Monday to sort out this early ultrasound business. It turns out the nurse was wrong about me needing a CD2/3 scan, but she was right about the bottom line - there was no way to cycle off my next AF. It has to do with the fact that the embryology lab is closed for the holidays from 12/17 through 1/14 (how do I get a job there?!) and the fact that no patients can be “on the calendar” while the lab is closed. The nurse originally told me I couldn’t even be on estrogen while the lab was closed, but that changed after my meltdown, so I’m still a little confused on what the actual policy is. The non-negotiable part is that the absolute earliest they can thaw embryos for a transfer is 1/21, if my period happened to fall on a day to allow that, which of course it was not set to do.

I had already done some quick EDD calculating and figured out that if I needed to skip a cycle, I’d be due too late to use my flex spending dollars for the ridiculous insurance deductible I’ll have to meet at the time of delivery. When we funded my FSA this year, we put in the full $5000 figuring we’d spend more than that on either 1 FET + 1 delivery deductible OR 2 FETs, and back when we were making this decision, it seemed impossible that either of those possibilities wouldn’t fit neatly into the benefit year. I explained this whole thing to the nurse (tearfully, at times) and she felt bad enough for me that she agreed to talk to the doctor and get back to me with some ideas.

While I was waiting to hear back from her, I did some further research of my own and learned a couple of things: First, my period came early last time but I hadn’t updated the CD1s I’d penciled in for the next few months. That alone bought me a few extra days, let alone any more that would come if my period happened to be early again. I also discovered that the FSA grace period is 75 days rather than the 60 I’d been using in my calculations. The end result was that leaving everything as it was and skipping a cycle would lead to an EDD of 10/28/11 and an FSA grace period run-out of 11/14/11. As long as NOTHING ELSE went wrong, we should be okay.

Armed with this new information, I was considerably calmer when the nurse called back. And then it got even better. She talked with the doctor and they’d come up with the plan of putting me on BC pills starting on my next CD1 to throw my cycle on ice, so to speak. Then, they could take me off BC to induce a period at the right time for a transfer on 1/21 – the earliest possible date after their closure. If AF takes her sweet time coming or my lining isn’t up to snuff, I could get pushed back to 1/28, but hopefully no further than that. I explained what I’d learned and asked if there were any physical or other drawbacks to going the BC route and she insisted there is not and they do it all the time to get people’s cycles lined up correctly.

The final square in this comic strip of my day shows AF arriving a mere two hours after our call. I wasn’t expecting her for at least 4 more days, but there she was, and I have to admit I was thrilled to have someone to blame my rollercoaster emotions on. Fortunately, the nurse had already called in the BC and I was able to start them right way.

So, that’s the new plan. I’m popping BC pills like a high school student and watching the days pass by, again. Looks like we’ll have news of some kind by mid-February. Please, please let it be of the BFN/P variety.

God forbid it ever just be simple.

Tucking myself back underground now.

In other news, we got our ornament from the swap and it’s adorable! E hung it on the tree himself and checks on it nightly. I’ll snap some pics tonight so I can share them with you all. I also finished mine and it will be going out in tomorrow’s mail. Late, I know. We haven’t sent out our holiday cards either, so you’re in good company, oh undisclosed ornament recipient. It’s been a challenging couple of weeks. Sorry.

benched

2010-12-10T20:54:00.000-06:00

Since I broke my own gag order about the FET, I'll let you in on the latest chapter so you aren't looking for an outcome report any time soon.

Today was supposed to be transfer day. Today was the day I was supposed to lay on a table with an overfull bladder and watch two flashes of light on an ultrasound screen. M and I both had the day off, my acupuncturist was on standby, and I went to bed Wednesday night in excited disbelief that it was so close. Then yesterday, I woke up with Elliot's stomach flu and puked my guts (and meds) out all day. I guess my body had been doing a good job of holding it at bay, but then I started the pre-transfer prednisone which handicapped my immune system and WHAM. My RE ruled that my body was not ready to go through with the transfer today, and as much as it killed me to hear it, I knew she was right. And with that, 3+ weeks of medications, monitoring and anticipation went out the window. We have to start all over. Icing on the cake? There's a high probability AF will show during the clinic's holiday closure which would mean having to wait another full cycle because they want to scan me on CD2 or 3. There's a chance we'll be into February before we get another shot at a transfer. The original plan was to transfer in October. October. Two days ago, we thought we'd have results by Christmas. Now, we're nowhere. We're not even back at the starting line yet.

I'm planning to argue with them on that early cycle ultrasound. I didn't have one for this cycle and I'm not sure why I would need one for the next cycle. I guess because of the hormone preparation I did? M had the idea to keep doing the PIO for another week to keep AF at bay. I'm still on the fence about this one. I thought it was a great idea, but then I was feeling so sore and achy last night (stomach flu, remember?) that we skipped it. In hindsight I wish we hadn't, but we did, and I kind of feel like my body has kind of been through enough without jerking it on and off progesterone. *sigh* Anyone have thoughts? I'm feeling too defeated by the whole thing to see the right answer in all of this.

trapped under something heavy

2010-12-06T23:10:00.003-06:00

I bailed on NaBloPoMo. The only thing stranger (to me) than doing that is the fact that I don't care. I'm usually someone that will move heaven and earth to avoid any type of failure, even the most minor and inconsequential, but I'm not myself right now.

The Thing That Shall Not Be Blogged About is in full swing, and it's taking more out of me than I expected. Other things taking more out of me than expected - both good and bad - include but are not limited to:

- We bought a new (to us) car - yay! It's a 2007 VW Rabbit in great shape with low miles and heated seats. Yes, it has many other luxurious features but none are quite so lovely as the butt-warmers. :-) It will be a bit of a squeeze if we ever need to put two carseats into the back, but we tried it and it works. The fact that it even has a back seat is a huge step up from the tiny pickup M was driving until a week ago. I drive an SUV which is and can remain our primary family car, but this is a much more practical "back up" vehicle, and also M just plain works hard and deserves a better car than the one she had. Mission accomplished.

- My parents were here for an extended visit - yay! Elliot got to stay home from school for almost two full weeks of spoiling. My dad built him a train table for Christmas and he loves, loves, loves it.

- I celebrated a birthday by taking care of a violently ill toddler experiencing his first stomach virus - boo! He projectile-vomited every half hour for four hours straight. I have no idea where the sheer volume came from. Dinner reservations were canceled and towels were gone through two or three at a time. The vomiting started while walking through a shopping mall. I'll spare you the details, but trust me when I say it was the most terrible thing I've seen... ever? Maybe. Anyway, my mom was with us and it was as if time stood still while I had two simultaneous thoughts: The first was "Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod. Mom!! Do something!! Help him!!!" and the second was "Waaaaaaaait a second... FUCK. I'm the mom." There was a pause - only a second or two but it felt like thirty - during which he turned his face toward mine and looked at me with scared, wide eyes and I froze, looking back at him with the exact same expression, I'm sure. And then I figured it out. And then I figured it out again... and again... and again. I've had better birthdays.

- Elliot has decided to discontinue both going to sleep on his own and sleeping through the night - boo! M and I are terribly sleep-deprived. Looks like another round of sleep training is in order. Hate.

- Work is crazy - boo! (Yawn)

So that's the scoop. I'm moody and anxious and emotional and tired and not really blogging, except for skimming my reader between meetings and such. I have been doing my best to keep up to date on everyone (despite how my pitiful lack of commenting makes it seem) but especially on my two bedresting buds who I continue to send good vibes to every single day.

what doesn't bend, breaks

2010-11-22T16:38:00.000-06:00

Elliot has stopped sleeping through the night. It's no big deal, he's just done with it. He's also stopped going to bed like a dream and instead prefers to do it like a caged tiger with a thorn in its paw. I'm frazzled and sleep-deprived. Logic would tell you that if he is going to go to sleep late (on accounta the battle), be awake for up to 4 hours during the night, and then get up an hour early (which he's been doing since the time change), I should be back to "sleep when the baby sleeps" mode. But, much like when he was a newborn, I don't want to sleep when the baby sleeps. The more he's requiring of me during his waking hours (including those that fall between 1 and 4am), the more stubbornly I cling to my late-night Me Time of catching up on email and FB or reading a few pages of the latest book I'm forced to read at a snail's pace. The problem is that I'm not making it and I need some early bedtimes of my own. There it is, K. Consider the gauntlet thrown down.

My parents arrive late tonight for Thanksgiving. They'll be in our area for 2 weeks but it's yet to be decided whether they will stay with us the whole time or head out on their own next week. M and I are trying to make sure they get enough time with E who they don't get to see nearly enough of. They're trying to make sure they don't get on our nerves. We're all being very polite and accommodating. We'll see where the negotiations end up. Either way, we've got babysitters to see the new Harry Potter movie sometime in the next week so that's exciting news indeed!

Tonight is the Thanksgiving potluck dinner at E's school. It's always so fun watching him interact with his little buddies. He has two BFFs at school - Henry and Ben. I was such a girlgirlgirl growing up that it still weirds me out sometimes to have an "in" with the boy social circles, even when the boys in question are under 2 years old.

toddler jukebox

2010-11-21T23:18:00.001-06:00

I asked M for an idea to blog about and she suggested I do a 5-day Thanksgiving countdown letting you all know what I'm most thankful for, and that I culminate the series with a post about her and how lucky I am to have her in my life.

So anyway, moving on. ;-)

M burned me a CD of E's top tracks and I thought I'd share his playlist with you. I already mentioned he loves the music on this album from M's childhood, so we started with tracks #1, 3, 4*, 5, 7, 8, 10, 13, 16, 18 and 21, then added:
Jerk It Out - Caesars
My Sharona - The Knack (yup, I kept 'em)
Hey, Soul Sister - Train
Brown Eyed Girl - Van Morrison
Sister Kate - The Ditty Bops
Give a Little Love - Ziggy Marley
The Sign - Ace of Base
Roy G. Biv - TMBG
The Vowel Family - TMBG (I loathe this song, but E adores it.)
I Love a Circus - Dan Crow
Green Grass Grew All Around - Pete Seeger
Be Kind to Your Parents - Pete Seeger
If I Had a Hammer - Pete Seeger (I got on a downloading roll one day...)
Get Up Up Up - Farmer Jason
A Spoonful of Sugar - Julie Andrews

These songs didn't make it onto this CD but will surely be on the next one:
Will the Circle Be Unbroken - Arlo Guthrie & Pete Seeger
Two Mommies - Alistair Moock
Mr. Rock and Roll - Amy MacDonald
Imbuvu the Happiest Hippo - Ed Jordan
Holiday Road - Lindsay Buckingham
Be OK - Ingrid Michaelson
Here Comes the Sun - Beatles
All I Want Is You - Barry Louis Polisar
You are My Sunshine - Elizabeth Mitchell

He used to like Carbon Leaf and early Madonna as a baby but he hasn't listened to any in a while - mental note to get some back into rotation.

What songs/artists do your little ones like? Bonus points for music that won't make me want to take an ice pick to my ear drums. :-)

*This album was originally released in 1969 so there are a couple of songs that get skipped over as they don't quite mesh with our contemporary values. Those exceptions aside, I LOVE this album. The songs are musically diverse, creative and kid-friendly without being dumbed down. I'm really hard-pressed to pick a favorite as it seems to change week to week, but #4 is at the top of my list at the moment and you should check it out. It can be downloaded here or on iTunes, but be sure to get the Bernard Cribbins version. There are a lot of really awful remakes floating about.

whoops

2010-11-20T22:09:00.000-06:00

Party ran late last night. Guests didn't leave until well after midnight. NaBloPoMoOhWell.

Feeling tired and grumpy today and going to spare you whatever crankiness I'd fill this space with if I forced myself to write something.

How is Thanksgiving in 5 days?

"moo-sick" and mayhem

2010-11-18T23:08:00.000-06:00

E has started demanding his own music in the car. As soon as the engine turns over, the pleas begin, and they ramp up quickly. He used to be content to listen to whatever was on the radio, but that doesn't cut it anymore. He has his own playlist on my iphone, and his preferred songs within that playlist, and he has no difficulty communicating these preferences. I need to burn a CD of his faves so my phone isn't permanently tethered to the car stereo. The fact that he has certain songs he loves and others that he won't listen to more than a few seconds of makes me think he's absorbing more of the music than I have been giving him credit for. I should probably go ahead and take Jerk It Out and My Sharona out of the playlist now before his attachment to them grows any stronger. I've got some time before he starts understanding the words, but I can just see it now: We're at the park with friends and Elliot busts out "Always get it up for the touch of the younger kind..." Yikes. Bummer, those were kind of my bright spots among all the ugly ducklings and green grass growing all around.

It's been a bit of a trying week around here. Elliot seems to be very intent on establishing his independence from us, meaning he wants nothing at all to do with M and he's only minimally tolerant of me. It's great fun. He is also going through what we're thinking is a growth spurt. He's been eating like a horse and his sleep is all out of whack. This came together into a perfect storm the other night when he was awake from 1:00 to 4:30am and wanted to playplayplayplayplayplay. Once he realized he was not going to be let out of bed, all hell broke loose. M went in to console him at one point and he hit her then told her to go away. Um, excuse me? I know it's completely normal for him to go through periods where he feels more or less connected to one of us - there was a long stretch this summer where he was all about M and he could take or leave me - but it's annoying nonetheless, especially when it's accompanied by such atrocious behavior. M is doing a great job of rolling with it; better than I would, I'm sure. She's so cool and well-adjusted like that. :-)

(almost) wordless wednesday

2010-11-17T22:16:00.000-06:00

1 month old:

20 months old:

kitchen notes

2010-11-16T22:26:00.000-06:00

M and I are hosting a low-key "dessert and drinks" game night this Friday. I'm tied up the next two evenings so I'm anticipating a very late night of preparations on Thursday. My plan isn't entirely thought out. I know I want to make two finger-food type desserts, one should probably be chocolate and one probably not (although if it were up to me I'd make chocolate everything) and I want one of them to be cupcakes with Nutella frosting. I'm still on the fence about whether banana cupcakes are okay for a group. It's what I'd make for myself, but I know banana is an iffy one for people so I'm leaning toward french vanilla to be safe. I tested out a Nutella buttercream recipe tonight and... oh my god.

Make it now. Thank me later.

1/2 c. butter, softened
1 c. Nutella
1/4 c. powdered sugar
up to 2T milk (I used about half)
Mix butter and Nutella until well blended. Add sugar gradually. Beat until fluffy. Add milk to desired consistency.

I'll let you know what I come up with for dessert #2. If you have any to-die-for recipes, feel free to share!

ready to purge

2010-11-15T23:39:00.000-06:00

I am a pack rat, but I come by it honestly.

My grandmother (who cared for me every weekday until I started kindergarten) kept everything she ever touched. She filled a three-story home, floor to ceiling, with a lifetime of treasures and... other things. Every coat my mother wore in high school, every board game my uncles played with as children, every score book completed one inning at a time from the recliner in her living room... Every fishing lure my grandfather left behind when he moved out (long before I was born), every yogurt container, every box top... My grandmother had no money and she never threw away anything she thought she might use, even if it would be 10 years before it would come in handy. She was one of the most frugal, resourceful women I've ever known.

My mom taught me the joy of a sale at a young age. She was the quintessential bargain hunter. If the sale was good enough, she bought the item. It didn't matter much whether we had a use for it. She didn't teach it to me in these words, but I know she is where I learned the theory behind a particularly incriminating slogan of mine: "You're getting screwed if you DON'T buy that!" The house I grew up in had a basement storage room with plastic bins from floor to ceiling, full of nonperishables bought in bulk, holiday decorations purchased "the day after" for 75% off, gift bags and toys purchased on sale because "someone is always having a birthday." I never felt like my house was cluttered growing up. I just thought my mom was amazing because anything we could possibly need was right there under our very roof.

Our basement is much like my the one I described above. I still have every item of clothing Elliot has worn to date, except for a few pieces I loaned to friends, only after putting an initial in every tag to ensure it would find its way home. I'm harboring two matching wall hangings I bought years ago on clearance that have never been hung in this house and never will be. I have at least five times as many sheet sets as I have beds to put them on, and more towels than our family could use in a month. I cannot walk past Papyr.us after Christmas without buying a few rolls of wrapping paper. It's all really nice stuff.

For most of my adult life, this hasn't really been a problem. When I first moved into this 4 bedroom house all on my own, I had an abundance of space and nothing to make it homey with. It took me several years, but I eventually filled up all of the empty closets, cabinets and shelves. With Elliot's arrival and all that we brought in for him, our house officially exceeded its capacity, and it's all my fault. M doesn't have a single hoarding fiber in her entire body. Amazingly, she doesn't chastise me for the accumulation. I think she recognizes the emotional side of it and knows I need to deal with it in my own time. And I have begun, but good heavens it is a slow process. The amount of angst involved in getting rid of something inexpensive that I haven't used in years is something even I can't totally understand. All I can fall back on is the knowledge it's just not how I was raised. I was raised to keep things; to keep everything. It's my family's version of being responsible and prepared for whatever life throws at you. The problem is, I'm starting to feel a bit like I'm drowning.

In the last few months, I've become acutely aware of the weight of my possessions. Every thing I have in this house is something that must be maintained. It may be putting it away on a daily basis, shifting it once in a while to reach something else, or simply filing it once and forgetting about it, but I don't have time for extra steps anymore. Some days it is hard enough to find time to brush my teeth. Any time I might spend tending to material goods would be better spent with my child. Beyond that, I'd really like to not pass this charming characteristic down to him, and that means the time to reset my hardwiring is now.

Up until recently, I have believed to my core that the worst case scenario would be to have to re-purchase something I had and got rid of. I now realize the worst case scenario is having so much stuff that not only can I not maintain or enjoy it, its very presence causes me stress. I've taken some big steps already, but they're not nearly as big as those that still need to be taken. I've been whittling away at the edges for months, but it's time for a major cut. I feel ready - really, I do - but then I look around and I'm instantly overwhelmed. I don't know where to start, perhaps more emotionally than logistically. I know once I get some momentum behind me, it will become easier. What's the point of keeping X if I've already tossed A through W, right? It's just really hard. But it's also time.

scatterbrain

2010-11-14T22:18:00.000-06:00

I finally got caught up on my reader. My weeks of neglect yielded 300-something posts to catch up on. There were some real gems in there, too, like this post which just might make you pee your pants if you were obsessed with 90210 in the early 90s as I was.

---

Elliot is 20 months old today. That is almost as many months as we spent trying to conceive him. I'm not sure I'll ever get used to how much faster time flies on this side of things. Just one more reminder to be grateful.

---

Elliot says "bless you" when anyone sneezes, including the dog. The other day, he blessed me from his rear-facing carseat after I sneezed in the drivers seat. Adorable.

---

I'm over the moon that E's feeling better, but I miss the extra cuddles.

---

M's mom and I spent a couple of hours researching accommodations for a major trip we're taking with her family next summer. The whole thing is feeling much more real (and more rapidly approaching) than it did a few days ago. Are we going to survive overseas travel with a 2 year old? We're pros at domestic travel, but this is going to be a horse of a different color.

---

M and I are considering thinking about possibly buying a new (maybe, but probably just new to us) car. We have been together almost 10 years and I have only just uncovered a tragic secret about M: She likes hatchbacks. ;-) I'm not a fan, but I guess you figured that. I had a hatchback in high school and I liked it at the time, but now they all kind of seem like "kid" cars to me; like the car you have before you move up to the real model*. Fortunately, I don't actually care all that much and since M will be the primary driver of this new car, a hatchback it likely will be, as long as we can find one that can comfortably fit two car seats in the back**. We're in the very, very early stages of research but we kind of like the Ma.zda 3s. Any good or bad experiences or other cars we should check out?

*No offense to the hatchback drivers out there. I have a deep affection for hatchback fans. I love them so much, I married one. ;-)
**See how I did that? Pretty freaking bold, huh?

---

I got a pregnancy announcement on FB this weekend. The couple's first child was born 9 days after Elliot and #2 is due in May. I'm so jealous... and really happy for them... and jealous.

confession time

2010-11-13T21:44:00.001-06:00

The votes in Elliot's contest are so close, I'm afraid I'm going to give myself an ulcer from all the refresh page-ing I'm doing. I'm not sure why I care so much. OK, I have a few thoughts, but I don't want to share until the contest is over. Instead, I'll fill you in on another one of my (many) neuroses, inspired by Puffer's comment about how she feels when she's out without the twins.

I was totally fascinated (in a good way) by it because my own experience is exactly the opposite. When I'm out without Elliot, I too have a conscious awareness that people looking at me don't know I have a toddler at home, but 9 times out of 10, I hate it. If I'm in Tar.get or a grocery store without him, I'll sometimes go out of my way to buy something baby-related, even if we don't need it yet, just because I want people who see me to know. I'm not sure where this need to identify myself stems from - maybe it's some post-infertility brain damage or perhaps just standard-issue insecurity - but it makes me feel more comfortable in my skin, like my outsides match my insides. I think what has happened is that my identity as a mother has become so deeply rooted that I feel naked and self-conscious without my standard marker (the kiddo) on my hip. For the record, I totally think Puffer's take on all this is healthier. ;-)

Zzzzzz...

2010-11-12T22:50:00.000-06:00

Best unintended consequence of having Granny here for a week to take care of your scary-sick toddler? Free, competent child care for an impromptu date night. :-)

Runner up: Watching your son learn to say grandma.

My food coma and I are not long for this world, but I'll be back tomorrow with a proper post.

P.S. Huge thanks to everyone who has voted for Elliot in the contest. I haven't checked the standings in a few hours (good thing - perhaps a post about my obsessive personality will be in order soon) but he's hanging out close to the top of the heap. Only a few more days to go!

Blogosphere powers, activate!

2010-11-11T15:13:00.000-06:00

OK guys, I need your help.

I entered E in a photo contest for "worst" holiday picture. There aren't a lot of entries, so his odds are pretty good! At stake is $600 in gift cards and the priviledge of having your family's photo holiday card featured on the sponsors' websites. I think you can all understand why that last bit feels really cool and important. :-)

There are 79 people that follow this blog via google reader, and who knows how many more that keep up via other methods. There are less than 100 votes separating E from the first place photo. Those are pretty encouraging numbers. It would really, really mean a lot to me if you would take one minute out of your day to vote for us!

You can vote once per email address, but you do have to delete your cookies between votes. If you are feeling especially generous and wish to share this link elsewhere (i.e. on your own blog, FB page, etc.) you have not only my blessing but buckets of thanks as well! If I can repay the favor for you now or later, I will gladly do so.

To vote, just rate the picture 5 stars (which will count as 5 votes), click send, and confirm via email using the link they send you. It is super easy, fast and free.

Here's the link: http://blog.ecomom.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-photocontest/viewimg.php?img_id=49&post_id=1346&order=most_voted

Thank you so much for your help!

Chay-chay-chain...

2010-11-10T16:55:00.000-06:00

I don't think I've received a chain letter in five years. Today, I received three. What gives?

In fairness, one was the same "letter" received twice (person A forwarded it to 10 person B's, one of which was me; another person B forwarded it to me as one of his 10 person C's) and the other was a totally labor-intensive book exchange. I have yet to decide whether I'll do either one. I'm leaning heavily toward no, but I'm already feeling guilty about letting down the people who sent them to me. Your thoughts? Chain letters are whack and I'm a bad friend if I forward them, right?

last placeholder post, I promise

2010-11-09T22:09:00.000-06:00

I don't want to say too much and risk jinxing anything, but E hasn't had any fever reducers for almost 24 hours. He's nowhere near 100%, but we're all feeling like we have reason to be hopeful. I, on the other hand, am flattened. I think the worry and sleep-deprivation of the past week has finally caught up with me.

I promise to be back with something of substance (and NOT baby-illness-related) tomorrow. Speaking of... If anyone has any questions or suggestions, let me know! I've never put out the call for questions before because I think people generally ask things as they come to mind, but if there's anything you've been sitting on that you'd like to know, I'll gladly put it in the NaBloPoMo queue! ;-)

two steps forward, one step back

2010-11-08T21:51:00.000-06:00

This is so not the NaBloPoMo I had in mind.

So, today was mostly good. E was cool when he woke up (medicated, yes, but even the medicine wasn't keeping him cool the past few nights) and acting a bit more like himself, albeit a more fragile and needy version. We went to the doctor mid-day and learned that he has the beginnings of an ear infection. She doesn't think this is the cause of his illness of the past several days (which she agrees falls in the "nonspecific virus" category), but instead a secondary issue caused by his congestion draining into his ears. She prescribed an antibiotic. Bonus to this is that if there is some OTHER secondary infection that is causing the prolonged fever, it should knock that out too. The doctor was impressed with his low temp at the appointment (97.3!) and instructed us to d/c the anti-fever meds and see how things go.

He came home, seemed to do well, and then about three hours later, his fever was back up over a hundred. An hour after that, it was a degree higher and he seemed to feel terrible. So back on the medication we went and he laid on me, clenched and whimpering, until the meds kicked in at which point he perked right up. He spent dinner throwing food to the dog, making eyes at Granny, and laughing at his own little jokes and bodily functions.

I know all this means is we cut out the anti-fever meds too soon, but I can't help but be disappointed that the No Meds experiment failed so quickly. I'm VERY glad that we're a good distance away from the 104-105 range, and that we seem to be moving in the right direction (knock on wood) but I'm ready for my baby to just plain Feel Better already. He's had such a terrible week.

Thanks for all of your wonderful comments. It felt (feels) really good to know so many people were out there thinking of him and wishing him well.

help is on the way

2010-11-07T22:27:00.000-06:00

The boy is still sick. Really, really sick. We called the exchange this afternoon and have a list of things to watch for, any one of which means an expedited trip back to the ER. Every thing on the list has happened at least once in the past 24 hours, so I'm bracing myself for the possibility we'll be heading in at some point. Hopefully not, for E's sake.

M's mom is arriving on a midnight flight so M and I can spend some time at work this week, eat something other than takeout, and have clean clothes and sippy cups. It's amazing how many sippy cups one toddler can go through when you're "pushing fluids" by offering 3 different options per hour.

I'm so tired and so worried. This is really hard.

update

2010-11-06T13:49:00.001-05:00

Fever is lower today (99-102, but mostly on the lower side of that range) and he's acting more like himself, so hopefully we're moving in the right direction. We had a terrible experience in the ER: Multiple failed attempts to catheterize him for a urine sample (before giving up completely), multiple failed attempts to place an IV (before giving up completely), rough blood draw and finger-stick, urine collection bag taped all over (and subsequently removed from - ouch) his most sensitive areas... I'm really disappointed given that we drove past closer ERs in order to go to the childrens' hospital. I was kind of hoping for more kid-friendly care. Anyway, it's behind us now and we hopefully won't be back any time soon. Thanks for thinking of us and wishing E well.

105.2

2010-11-05T22:50:00.000-05:00

That was Elliot's temp when we left for the ER this afternoon. We're home now with all sorts of things ruled out, nothing ruled in, and a fever the meds are barely cutting in half. I'm scared out of my mind. If you have good thoughts to spare, I'd certainly appreciate them.

ode to a neglected baby book

2010-11-04T22:47:00.000-05:00

The NaBloPoMo rules are one post per day. They don't really address when that post gets published, right? Yeah, this one is late. Moving on.

Sticking with the theme of running late...

I've fallen behind on updating Elliot's baby book lately. I've missed writing down his last six teeth (up to 14!), and I'm woefully behind on documenting words, favorite activities, etc. I'm going to scan back through the blog and see if I can fill in some blanks. So that I will have this post to look back on next time I need a reference point, here's what Elliot is up to these days. My apologies for the boring you all with this nuts and bolts-y post.

Favorite books: Go Dog Go, There's a Wocket in my Pocket, The Itsy Bitsy Spider, and the San Francisco book I can't remember the name of right now.

Favorite toys: Trains, trains, trains, and puzzles. Oh, and trains. The kid is obsessed. He has a bunch of different train toys, train puzzles, train books... you name it. My parents bought him a few Thomas engines and cars the last time we were out to visit him and he loves them. The seal has been broken on the branded toys. We had a good run. ;-)

Favorite songs: His faves to sing are The Old Lady Who Swallowed The Fly, two versions of If You're Happy and You Know It (especially the shouting Hooray part), and the Alphabet Song. He sings the last word of each phrase in these and it's so cute. His favorites to listen to and/or dance to are all of the songs from All Aboard (an album M had as a kid), The Vowel Family and Roy G. Biv (both TMBG). Oh, and The Sign by Ace of Base. I kid you not.

Best trick du jour: We toss all of his sippy cup parts into a big bin in a cabinet and pull out pieces as we need them. It's a tall (5 foot?) pantry-style cabinet with pull out bins, so not super easy to get into. Still, Elliot has learned to open the cabinet (by pulling the dishtowel that is hanging on the cabinet opener, which is at the top of the tall cabinet), pull out the wire bin, find a matching cup and lid (including by color), close everything up, stand on tiptoe to place the cup and lid juuuust on the lip of the counter top, come to us and take our hands, then lead us into the kitchen requesting juice along the way. He does this every day when he comes home from school, and a few times a day on the weekends. It's pretty impressive to watch, actually! M decided to see if he'd do it in reverse so she handed him the pieces of his cups straight out of the dishwasher. Sure enough, he took them to the cabinet, opened it up, put the pieces away, and closed everything behind him. The funniest part is that he'll only take one or two pieces at a time, and he closes the cabinet between each trip. This means the activity generally takes long enough to get the whole dishwasher unloaded while he is making his trips. Surely our time with this is limited. I know it won't be long until he realizes he can leave the cabinet open and the bin pulled out between trips, but it sure is handy for now!

Runners-up for best trick: He can identify all 26 letters by name and/or by the name of the item pictured under the letter on his ABC puzzle, and when we count from 1 to 10 with him, he says about half of the numbers on his own.

He mimics everything we say. Everything. Neither of us swear very often, but there have been more than one sh!t choruses after something was forgotten or dropped, so we're working on cutting that out completely. I love, love, love the way his toddler mouth sounds wrapped around octopus, butterfly, Oh no!, please (peas), thank you, bless you, again, spoon (boon), and of course, I love you. He also mispronounces blanket as "bacon" and meow and "laooow" and I really hate to correct them because they're just so cute. :-)

Last week, he went through this really funny hat obsession. He came home from school one day and I tried to take off his hat as we came into the house, but he grabbed it back, crying "My hat! My hat!" He placed it back on his head and there it stayed through playtime... and dinner... and right into the bathroom to be taken off with the rest of his clothes for bathtime. The next day, we went through the same routine upon arriving at school. I told his teacher about the night before and said he might demand to wear his hat all day. (He was wearing a brightly striped hat with a pointy spire on top and one of the other kids was following him around saying "Nice party hat! I like your party hat!" LOL!) I left him sitting at the table eating cereal in his hat and picked him up sitting in the same spot coloring, hat on head. I pulled it off for a moment and his hair was damp and matted underneath. His teacher confirmed that he had worn it all day. This lasted for 2-3 more days and then it was done. Not sure what it was about but we got some good laughs (and pictures) out of it!

reunited (and it feels so good)

2010-11-03T17:34:00.000-05:00

The injury post has been tabled for another day (I know, you're so bummed) because I just got the best news and I'm too excited not to share. My BFF In Loco Parentis is moving back to our neck of the woods!! She just called me to share the good news on her way back to the airport from the interview in which she was offered the (super amazing incredible) job.

She and I met in TownA for undergrad and then, amazingly, both moved across the country to TownB for separate grad programs at the same university. After graduation, she took a job several states away and we haven't been able to see much of each other since then. Her son is almost a year old and our kids have never met. But that is all about to change because THEY'RE MOVING BACK! In two short months they will be living right down the road. Literally. I couldn't be more thrilled.

P.S. I was given full permission to breach blogger etiquette and share someone else's news. I believe the direct quote was "I better get a Na-Blo-Po-Whatever mention for this." :-)

Early Civics Lessons

2010-11-02T23:38:00.000-05:00

Election Day 2008:

Election Day 2010:

And a bonus Election Day pic, taken this evening after a blood-curdling face plant on the patio. :-(

Speaking of injuries, E had a major one a few weeks ago. I'll fill you in tomorrow. It's much easier to talk about now that everyone is fully mended. :-/